I've been sober for 3 years and
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
I've been sober for 3 years and
Hello all,
I had a question. I'm 33 and been drinking since I was 13 years old. and I mean at least 5 days a week, mostly beer. I've been sober for almost 3 years and have no urge but here is my question.
I'm told by many people, family, friends and even the therapist have said . My brain is immature and I guess I do act immature sometime. I don't even feel normal around people my age. I guess they said my brain hasn't developed since age 13. I do work and all that stuff, I have a house, traveled, been in the military etc, but no career, just minimum wage jobs and now being sober, I'm starting to think about this stuff, but feel way behind at age 33. People my age have family's, married and even masters degree. I'm single and 2 years of college so far being sober. I even feel I have a less IQ compared to 18 year old college students and I done a lot more things and experiences than them, but still, feel this jealousy of I wish I had more than a 5th graders vocab and good grammar. will my brain ever develop into my age or ever be normal? Or is whats done is done? thanks for any info and advice and I hope you all stay sober to. I have no urge to drink again.
I had a question. I'm 33 and been drinking since I was 13 years old. and I mean at least 5 days a week, mostly beer. I've been sober for almost 3 years and have no urge but here is my question.
I'm told by many people, family, friends and even the therapist have said . My brain is immature and I guess I do act immature sometime. I don't even feel normal around people my age. I guess they said my brain hasn't developed since age 13. I do work and all that stuff, I have a house, traveled, been in the military etc, but no career, just minimum wage jobs and now being sober, I'm starting to think about this stuff, but feel way behind at age 33. People my age have family's, married and even masters degree. I'm single and 2 years of college so far being sober. I even feel I have a less IQ compared to 18 year old college students and I done a lot more things and experiences than them, but still, feel this jealousy of I wish I had more than a 5th graders vocab and good grammar. will my brain ever develop into my age or ever be normal? Or is whats done is done? thanks for any info and advice and I hope you all stay sober to. I have no urge to drink again.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I am 42 and just stopped drinking, have been drinking since I was 17, pretty heavily. I felt like when I was drinking that I felt like I was 21 still, but now that i have stopped drinking I am starting to feel like I am my age finally. I think it is normal, the frontal lobe wasn't developed fully when I started drinking.
I am doing a lot of work on that, I am re-wiring my brain in AA meetings, 12 step work, flower essences, meditation, etc.... It has all helped tremendously in my 6 months of sobriety.
I am doing a lot of work on that, I am re-wiring my brain in AA meetings, 12 step work, flower essences, meditation, etc.... It has all helped tremendously in my 6 months of sobriety.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
I believe it is in relation to emotions. I am emotionally immature. If you didn't allow yourself to have a proper education by not paying attention, that may be why you feel as if your IQ is lower than others. Probably not too true. You are capable of learning. You are also capable of becoming emotionally mature.
Are you in AA? Those steps help us to grow up. Those steps help us to learn to be our authentic selves. It's a spiritual program.
Did you get your high school diploma? It's never too late.
Do you want to attend college or do something else? It's never too late to go to college or to learn something new. My grandmother learned to play pool at the age of 90. She passed away at the age of 98, but that's another story.
The human brain is amazing. It has the ability to form new connections. Are you engaging your brain regularly? Do you read? The more knowledge you put in that brain will help it immensely!
You have the capacity to change. To learn. To become emotionally mature. Know this. Embrace this. The world is yours to conquer!
I wish you well!
Are you in AA? Those steps help us to grow up. Those steps help us to learn to be our authentic selves. It's a spiritual program.
Did you get your high school diploma? It's never too late.
Do you want to attend college or do something else? It's never too late to go to college or to learn something new. My grandmother learned to play pool at the age of 90. She passed away at the age of 98, but that's another story.
The human brain is amazing. It has the ability to form new connections. Are you engaging your brain regularly? Do you read? The more knowledge you put in that brain will help it immensely!
You have the capacity to change. To learn. To become emotionally mature. Know this. Embrace this. The world is yours to conquer!
I wish you well!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I think it's not just alcoholism that causes emotional development to slow or stop. I was abused from the time I was about 5 years old, and that really hampered my emotional development. But, I didn't start drinking till my forties. I can relate to you being frustrated by the situation. I look back on situations when I was not mature enough to handle things and I wish I had been wiser. However, all we can do is work with what we have now. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 85
This is a good post. I have wondered the same thing, since I've been drinking since I was 14. For some reason I've always felt more comfortable around older people, probably since I grew up around mostly adults. But I always feel like I'm faking it. And for whatever reason I feel like I've been emotionally immature in relationships. I can't give you any advice, but I'm glad you brought up this topic.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,371
Hi littledude
congrartulations on your 3 years - and welcome
I do think I arrested my emotional development and personal growth over the 20 years or so I drank - but I caught up pretty quickly when I got sober and started living an adult life rather than a teenage one....
I don't believe that we're fated to stay at the same point of development at all. Recovery is about growing
what else have you done in your recovery besides not drinking LD?
D
congrartulations on your 3 years - and welcome
I do think I arrested my emotional development and personal growth over the 20 years or so I drank - but I caught up pretty quickly when I got sober and started living an adult life rather than a teenage one....
I don't believe that we're fated to stay at the same point of development at all. Recovery is about growing
what else have you done in your recovery besides not drinking LD?
D
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your info, I don't feel alone. I quit drinking when I got out of the military. I was getting out of control and I was afraid I would hurt some one. so that's whats been helping. I want to try AA though because sometime is want to drink. I don't feel normal and i think its because I never been sober this long. It's like you have to relearn everything about you, how to talk to people, confidence and fight your inner demons this time.
I do plan to do a lot of reading this year. I dont read at all, so maybe one of the post was correct, on you can relearn and the human mind is amazing, you just have to learn how to use it.
I do want to ask you guys something, only reply if you feel comfortable about this. But, since you stopped drinking, do you feel completely different? it's like I feel more goal orient end but also more paranoid now of life and accidents, where before it was the opposite. I didn't care if I died, I had no worries, but I wasted a lot of time sitting in front on my tv or you-tube listening to music or watching movie scenes. so its like a 50/50 good and bad transition. more goal Orient but paranoid and dont know how to act around people.
ive also learned things about myself from the past, on why I like talking to woman more than men, I think it from a abusive step father who told me to never look people in the eyes, or talk like a man etc, but he did teach me to work hard. so I thank him for that. I wouldnt have the things I have now if I didnt have good work ethics in working hard and long hours. , I'm a male and I think this is why I prefer talking to woman when I have teachers at school or therapist etc. this is not meant to be sexes if anyone takes that the wrong way. I guess its that motherly feeling where before my stepfather was always hitting or saying bad things like dont look at me, I dont know.. I day dream a lot so trying to stop, I'm trying to get into healthy things like meditation, working out eating right, I still don't feel comfortable in dating because of the lack of self esteem and no career. I mean, people my age have careers, how can I have confidence dating a woman who earns $15 an hour or more and I earn $8. so I have a lot to work on, but that's what also keeps me sober. the fact that I know what my life will still be if I go back. any of you guys have similar thoughts or stories? Beer was always good for me, I could control myself and it relaxed me no matter how much beers I 'm good , hard liquor, and I black out, so I stayed away from that unless things were really bad and didnt care. now its snacks or pizzas and stuff,lol I use that for weekends or urges and soda.
well thanks for your advice and stories I hope to hear some , I dont feel alone as much, and I will look into go int into AA meetings. I think I wouldn't feel as much alone since Ive been doing this by myself these 3 years.
I do plan to do a lot of reading this year. I dont read at all, so maybe one of the post was correct, on you can relearn and the human mind is amazing, you just have to learn how to use it.
I do want to ask you guys something, only reply if you feel comfortable about this. But, since you stopped drinking, do you feel completely different? it's like I feel more goal orient end but also more paranoid now of life and accidents, where before it was the opposite. I didn't care if I died, I had no worries, but I wasted a lot of time sitting in front on my tv or you-tube listening to music or watching movie scenes. so its like a 50/50 good and bad transition. more goal Orient but paranoid and dont know how to act around people.
ive also learned things about myself from the past, on why I like talking to woman more than men, I think it from a abusive step father who told me to never look people in the eyes, or talk like a man etc, but he did teach me to work hard. so I thank him for that. I wouldnt have the things I have now if I didnt have good work ethics in working hard and long hours. , I'm a male and I think this is why I prefer talking to woman when I have teachers at school or therapist etc. this is not meant to be sexes if anyone takes that the wrong way. I guess its that motherly feeling where before my stepfather was always hitting or saying bad things like dont look at me, I dont know.. I day dream a lot so trying to stop, I'm trying to get into healthy things like meditation, working out eating right, I still don't feel comfortable in dating because of the lack of self esteem and no career. I mean, people my age have careers, how can I have confidence dating a woman who earns $15 an hour or more and I earn $8. so I have a lot to work on, but that's what also keeps me sober. the fact that I know what my life will still be if I go back. any of you guys have similar thoughts or stories? Beer was always good for me, I could control myself and it relaxed me no matter how much beers I 'm good , hard liquor, and I black out, so I stayed away from that unless things were really bad and didnt care. now its snacks or pizzas and stuff,lol I use that for weekends or urges and soda.
well thanks for your advice and stories I hope to hear some , I dont feel alone as much, and I will look into go int into AA meetings. I think I wouldn't feel as much alone since Ive been doing this by myself these 3 years.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spring Texas
Posts: 62
Well I guess I stumbled upon your post as to let you know that being immature is a broad spectrum of sorts......I mean you can act immature by palying around alot, you can react immature by yelling and screaming, you can act immature by not taking care of your responsibilities theres alot of ways, But you know to me you're doing great. You are mature enough to know that you want to be sober and you undersatand how to maintain your sobriety, you work and you have some college on your belt. I am forty. I barely have decided to give my best fight against addiction because I want to remain sober, I have built myself up so many times and lost everything and this last time I relapsed I ran myself straight into the ground and wound up living in abandoned houses because of a crack addcition. I had a son three years ago and since then I have been fighting this addiction. I have a home, which is built on my mothers property and I am going to school. I have had a few jobs in the past two years but this year I have been completely in school. I don't have as much as some of my friends do but I guess I am allright with it. They didn't fall victim to an addiction like I did. I mean sometimes I feel emabarrassed that I don't have what I used to have or what everyone else has, but I have to sit down and really contemplate and Then I see that hey I am doing allright for myself. I am not anywhere near where I WAS and my mind is healthy and I am doing what I can to survive the right way and not escaping my world through drugs. I am resolving my problem by going toschool to get a better job. Although I am a single mother, Its not always going to be this way cause I am trying to better myself by going to school and I will also start looking for a job soon, cause my son will be attending school. They have a headstart program that starts kids off at 3 yrs old.
Don't focus too much on what friends and family say: Cause eventually it might set you in a frame of mind that can lead to a slip. Just smile and let it role off your back. You're taking care of you and that's a good thing. You can always improve yourself by going back to school, finding another job, something that will make you happier. I am happy for you that you are sober. Some people who have never been in our shoes don't know how happy it can be just to be sober. And sometimes being sober and staying sober is enough for ones happiness. Be happy and be proud of yourself. Its a hard thing to do- To remain sober and be a productive citizen like yourself and work. You're right where you need to be. If its time for improvement you will know. maybe this is your inner self trying to get your attention. But in no way be ashamed of yourself and how much you have accomplished because getting sober is a big as well as great accomplishment and staying sober is another. Material things are just that they don't define you as a person, your heart does, your soul does. And if you still have the laughter in you and the imagination in you of a child well then all the better cause sometimes seeing the world through the eyes of a child is just what we need sometimes. Its just a matter of how you see it. I pat you on your back for staying clean and sober and I wish the best on the journey of sobriety and the journey of your elightenment..Hugs to you.
Don't focus too much on what friends and family say: Cause eventually it might set you in a frame of mind that can lead to a slip. Just smile and let it role off your back. You're taking care of you and that's a good thing. You can always improve yourself by going back to school, finding another job, something that will make you happier. I am happy for you that you are sober. Some people who have never been in our shoes don't know how happy it can be just to be sober. And sometimes being sober and staying sober is enough for ones happiness. Be happy and be proud of yourself. Its a hard thing to do- To remain sober and be a productive citizen like yourself and work. You're right where you need to be. If its time for improvement you will know. maybe this is your inner self trying to get your attention. But in no way be ashamed of yourself and how much you have accomplished because getting sober is a big as well as great accomplishment and staying sober is another. Material things are just that they don't define you as a person, your heart does, your soul does. And if you still have the laughter in you and the imagination in you of a child well then all the better cause sometimes seeing the world through the eyes of a child is just what we need sometimes. Its just a matter of how you see it. I pat you on your back for staying clean and sober and I wish the best on the journey of sobriety and the journey of your elightenment..Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 773
I've heard that too, about how we stop maturing or moving forward when we start drinking/using, i think i agree with that.
I have noticed tho, that once I got a job in a place where there was people instead of working for myself and spent most of the time alone, I started developing social skills that i never had, but, since I've stopped drinking I've noticed that i learn better now from my imature mistakes and try to remember, not to make the same mistakes again.
having said that, i drank for about 40 years and am just now starting to improve on my maturity, so i do think it is true for myself, that i stopped or at least slowed down progress on maturing and learning social skills, actually it's pretty obvious, anyways, I think a person has to get out and experience social situations in order to grow, if you are feeling alone then maybe you need to get out more and I'm sure the AA meetings would be a good for getting social.
As far as feeling completely different, no I don't, I'll always be the same person, but little by little getting more comfortable in my own skin, being more aware of what other people are thinking and talking about, being a little less narcissistic and more empethetic.
I wouldn't say never look someone in the eyes, that's crazy, just don't stare, if you have trouble, look just slightly over the eye or next to it, but you still need to make eye contact or people won't trust you.
Once you are happy and confident it will be easier to date, women can smell fun a mile away. (just my .02)
I hope this helps you a little. I'm probably not the best person for giving advice, so take it with a grain of salt ok?
I have noticed tho, that once I got a job in a place where there was people instead of working for myself and spent most of the time alone, I started developing social skills that i never had, but, since I've stopped drinking I've noticed that i learn better now from my imature mistakes and try to remember, not to make the same mistakes again.
having said that, i drank for about 40 years and am just now starting to improve on my maturity, so i do think it is true for myself, that i stopped or at least slowed down progress on maturing and learning social skills, actually it's pretty obvious, anyways, I think a person has to get out and experience social situations in order to grow, if you are feeling alone then maybe you need to get out more and I'm sure the AA meetings would be a good for getting social.
As far as feeling completely different, no I don't, I'll always be the same person, but little by little getting more comfortable in my own skin, being more aware of what other people are thinking and talking about, being a little less narcissistic and more empethetic.
I wouldn't say never look someone in the eyes, that's crazy, just don't stare, if you have trouble, look just slightly over the eye or next to it, but you still need to make eye contact or people won't trust you.
Once you are happy and confident it will be easier to date, women can smell fun a mile away. (just my .02)
I hope this helps you a little. I'm probably not the best person for giving advice, so take it with a grain of salt ok?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spring Texas
Posts: 62
I just read your other post LD and feeling different isn't so much feeling different its just that you don't share the same interests as the other people, or maybe you just want other things in life now. I still have four bestfriends that I grew up with, and Two still drink and party and one has slowed down and the other has given her life to the LORD. I still speak to all of them I just don't go out with them cause thats not my bag anymore, but they are still special friends to me and if an important celebration comes about like the graduation party that they just had for one of the kids- I will attend but I do not drink I drink water and they will not offer me a drink either because they know that although I don't have a real problem with drinking its a trigger for me to do ther things like get high. So we enjoy each others company and I am the picture taker of everyone laughing and smiling and enjoying themselves with their drinks. And yeah at those time I feel different because I know that I can't drink because of my problem but I am happy that I know that now. And it is different cause I can't drink like them but we are all different and I just happened to be the one who has an underlying issue with drugs. We don't hang out everyday like we used to but that is a part of growing up and maturing. We talk on the phone every week but we now have our own lives. But I am ok with it cause I would rather be sober and happy than be miserable and high. I spend most of my time with my son so I am never alone. I find myself admiring friends who go out to clubs and bars and who are meeting different men and I tell myself how am I ever going to meet someone that is a good man and who I can be with but its a thiught that soon vanishes as soon as I watch Dallas. : )
I could date but I have been by myself for the past 7 months and I don't really care to.
Sometimes being as busy as we are we just don't care to get in an emotional relationship. To me relationships take alot of maintenance and I am way too busy to keep up with that..... but I am sure when the time comes for you to meet that person you won't even be expecting it.
AA sounds like a nice safe place to mingle and maybe the gym too. Theres alot of places you can go, they have singles night at churches and then theres always the library.
And feeling paranoid about lifes events, well I guess that's just normal because I am the same way. Since I have gotten my mind healthy I think of all kinds of things...I drive the speed limit now and I stop and stop signs. I have a more intense realization of just how special life is. And I am protecting it by all means possible and doing what I need to do now. Before I was just like you I didn't care or even think about it, " What if I wreck cause I am driving drunk?", or "What if I wreck for passing this yellow light?" Or Forget the speed limit I am drivng 90mph, its all a part of reckless immature selfish unhealthy thinking. And I am glad to be where I am now - Thinking about the consequences of my behavior. Yes sir those realizations and paranoia are because the haze is gone and you know how good life is.
And one more thing I'd like to share with you is that life is not boring when you're sober, its just learning how to enjoy other things that don't include drinking. You'll soon find what you are looking for because you are definately seeking.
And the other issue you mention about how much money you make. At least you are working and you have a job. There are men who work for less than that out there so be proud of what you have.
I could date but I have been by myself for the past 7 months and I don't really care to.
Sometimes being as busy as we are we just don't care to get in an emotional relationship. To me relationships take alot of maintenance and I am way too busy to keep up with that..... but I am sure when the time comes for you to meet that person you won't even be expecting it.
AA sounds like a nice safe place to mingle and maybe the gym too. Theres alot of places you can go, they have singles night at churches and then theres always the library.
And feeling paranoid about lifes events, well I guess that's just normal because I am the same way. Since I have gotten my mind healthy I think of all kinds of things...I drive the speed limit now and I stop and stop signs. I have a more intense realization of just how special life is. And I am protecting it by all means possible and doing what I need to do now. Before I was just like you I didn't care or even think about it, " What if I wreck cause I am driving drunk?", or "What if I wreck for passing this yellow light?" Or Forget the speed limit I am drivng 90mph, its all a part of reckless immature selfish unhealthy thinking. And I am glad to be where I am now - Thinking about the consequences of my behavior. Yes sir those realizations and paranoia are because the haze is gone and you know how good life is.
And one more thing I'd like to share with you is that life is not boring when you're sober, its just learning how to enjoy other things that don't include drinking. You'll soon find what you are looking for because you are definately seeking.
And the other issue you mention about how much money you make. At least you are working and you have a job. There are men who work for less than that out there so be proud of what you have.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Congratulations on your 3 years....that's really an awesome accomplishment
.
Thank you for your milatary service...All gave some some gave all.
My youngest Grandson is useing his GI Bill to make a career
like you....he's finished 2 years and he is now 34.
Yes...he too got tired of low pay so he is doing this..
Glad you are here with us...please do keep posting
.Thank you for your milatary service...All gave some some gave all.
My youngest Grandson is useing his GI Bill to make a career
like you....he's finished 2 years and he is now 34.
Yes...he too got tired of low pay so he is doing this..
Glad you are here with us...please do keep posting
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