Day one w/o alcohol, day 7 w/o benzos
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 5
Day one w/o alcohol, day 7 w/o benzos
Greetings,
I have been here before. I have been a practicing alcoholic off and on for close to 7 years. In the last few years there have been episodes with Benzos as well. Usually they begin with wanting to recover and then satisfy the same urge while eventually melding the two. From the previous Thursday to Monday I took roughly 60 mg of klonopin. I drank and as usual this abetted the abuse. Despite the fact that I am aware of the dangers I did this to myself.
I normally take 1mg of klonopin a day and if I do without abuse it allows me to write, read, and behave normally without the crippling anxiety that otherwise pervades my life. I have a history of seizures related to withdrawal. An EEG last week confirmed that there is nothing else wrong with my brain. Aside from poor judgjment, hah.
Anyways I do not drive out of fear for others. I live in a rural area. A doctor's appointment was made for Monday but could not be gotten to. Wednesday I saw my physician and perhaps justly was told to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I see her Monday, two days from now. I was prescribed Antabuse but was refused the small dosage of Librium or Ativan that would have spared me this. In response I have been drinking in order to avoid seizures (perhaps self rationalization and also because it temporarily relieves the hell while still causing enduring pain). Yesterday my weaning efforts on beer became an incredible bender. That I function seems a miracle and the number of times I have cheated death seems like the sword of Damocles. I can't afford to go to the ER. When begging my doctor for a script I have been refused over and over again despite my desire not to drink, not to take pills, and generally live the life that actually gives me joy. I feel I have been caused grievous harm by this. I fear for my life. Whether the psych prescribes something Monday I doubt. I have tried herbs, tea, everything and have made it with 6-7 beers in one day. Of course with that comes the night terrors, sweat, and general anxiety that makes one's skin uncomfortable. I only look for support in some way. To share seems a salve. I realize that my current path is foolish but then I think if I make it until monday and can get a 4 day dose of something I will be fine. Obviously no one comes off benzos quickly, yet i have gone a week and don't miss them, and never took them regularly for more than 2 months in a row. Thanks for reading
I have been here before. I have been a practicing alcoholic off and on for close to 7 years. In the last few years there have been episodes with Benzos as well. Usually they begin with wanting to recover and then satisfy the same urge while eventually melding the two. From the previous Thursday to Monday I took roughly 60 mg of klonopin. I drank and as usual this abetted the abuse. Despite the fact that I am aware of the dangers I did this to myself.
I normally take 1mg of klonopin a day and if I do without abuse it allows me to write, read, and behave normally without the crippling anxiety that otherwise pervades my life. I have a history of seizures related to withdrawal. An EEG last week confirmed that there is nothing else wrong with my brain. Aside from poor judgjment, hah.
Anyways I do not drive out of fear for others. I live in a rural area. A doctor's appointment was made for Monday but could not be gotten to. Wednesday I saw my physician and perhaps justly was told to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I see her Monday, two days from now. I was prescribed Antabuse but was refused the small dosage of Librium or Ativan that would have spared me this. In response I have been drinking in order to avoid seizures (perhaps self rationalization and also because it temporarily relieves the hell while still causing enduring pain). Yesterday my weaning efforts on beer became an incredible bender. That I function seems a miracle and the number of times I have cheated death seems like the sword of Damocles. I can't afford to go to the ER. When begging my doctor for a script I have been refused over and over again despite my desire not to drink, not to take pills, and generally live the life that actually gives me joy. I feel I have been caused grievous harm by this. I fear for my life. Whether the psych prescribes something Monday I doubt. I have tried herbs, tea, everything and have made it with 6-7 beers in one day. Of course with that comes the night terrors, sweat, and general anxiety that makes one's skin uncomfortable. I only look for support in some way. To share seems a salve. I realize that my current path is foolish but then I think if I make it until monday and can get a 4 day dose of something I will be fine. Obviously no one comes off benzos quickly, yet i have gone a week and don't miss them, and never took them regularly for more than 2 months in a row. Thanks for reading
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 5
Thank you. I am taking it as slow as I can today. Alcohol as medicine. Down blind alleys with a blindfold on. I honestly just want to exercise but I know my mind will not tolerate the sweat. Before this menace I was as fit as I have been in 10 years and doing the elliptical 90 minutes a day. This is my reassurance. Thank you. I can live without benzo's but I am living with them. It is a strange dichotomy. The body should never be an instrument. I once did worse when living in France and took 150 mgs of klonopin in 6 days (after taking 1 mg a day for 90 days) and suffered nothing but a day in bed. Stupid utterances but one must hope. I am honest with my doctor and today I feel it would have been better to lie. Or well better to find an addiction specialist. To tell your doctor what I did and for them to tell you to tough it out is in my mind malpractice. But there is a contract they take and one you take with them and I broke it. I fight and I will win.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
welcome back crocodilestreet - as you know you'll find a lot of support here.
I hope your appointment with your psych will be beneficial
like lh said, don't hesitate to seek medical help if you feel concerned or overwhelmed in the meantime.
D
I hope your appointment with your psych will be beneficial
like lh said, don't hesitate to seek medical help if you feel concerned or overwhelmed in the meantime.
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
It's wonderful to have you return, crocodilestreet. You sound ready to be free, and we know you can make it out of that trap. I'm so glad you've reached out for encouragement and hope - we care about you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 5
Thank you all for the support. I have had my last drink about 8 hours ago. I have about 40 hours until I see the doctor. I am taking a strong number of herbs which while not providing much comfort hopefully allow me a few hours of sleep this evening. My body aches and the usefulness of the drink, if there was any, seems to be providing diminishing returns.
My mind is truly a cauldron. Anxiety is my main problem. Thoughts race and my health feels fragile. Yet I am hopeful that I will make it. Time just wheezes. Unfortunately reading or proper focus on anything is impossible. I have so much to look forward to in the near future that I simply want to withstand this. Seeking treatment immediately could jeopardize it.
Perusing the site is rather therapeutic. I thank everyone and really admire all who have made such strides in their own recovery.
My mind is truly a cauldron. Anxiety is my main problem. Thoughts race and my health feels fragile. Yet I am hopeful that I will make it. Time just wheezes. Unfortunately reading or proper focus on anything is impossible. I have so much to look forward to in the near future that I simply want to withstand this. Seeking treatment immediately could jeopardize it.
Perusing the site is rather therapeutic. I thank everyone and really admire all who have made such strides in their own recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 5
I feel surprisingly well this morning and it seems my fears have been allayed. Of course I am always aware of the possibility of more panic but it seems that I have a calmness and clarity this morning I did not expect. Of course my sleep was not entirely pleasant, I have some G-I issues, and some aches. But it is not what I expected. I don't what know role herbs, tea, hydration, and general rest have played but this already seems far less miserable than past withdrawals where symptoms are instantaneous and persist to the point of DT fears or seizures. I'm a bit perplexed.
I thank everyone for the well wishes again. This just begins the hardwork. I am actually incredibly excited to start on my Antabuse. No matter I will always remain susceptible but that extra barrier seems like such a wonder against the limitations of my Will. Ideally I would be without any medication but the risks of relapse are so great that this seems a worthy and sensible use of it.
Good tidings to all who have given me thought and who struggle.
I thank everyone for the well wishes again. This just begins the hardwork. I am actually incredibly excited to start on my Antabuse. No matter I will always remain susceptible but that extra barrier seems like such a wonder against the limitations of my Will. Ideally I would be without any medication but the risks of relapse are so great that this seems a worthy and sensible use of it.
Good tidings to all who have given me thought and who struggle.
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