Elisabeth888

I have an issue and would really appreciate input/opinions.

My sponsor screamed (I mean SCREAMED) at me on the phone yesterday. Here is the background: She has a monthly book study on Saturdays. I normally attend every one. I told her that I would not be attending because I was going with this lady to take a meeting to a sick member. And I shite you not, she screamed that her group takes priority. That I didn't need to go. When did I even talk to this sick person on the phone and yada yada.

I said nothing when she was screaming. I am non-confrontational and have issues setting boundaries, read: a doormat at times. She did apologize about five minutes after doing it and said it was okay.

The problem is that it is NOT okay with me. I stuffed it and have been brooding over it. I need to be honest with her and tell that I am pissed and that her behavior is totally unacceptable to me. (She has yelled at me before, has a temper) I want to tell her that I am not going to her meeting and she needs to get over it. She is not my Mom.

What do you think?

RevivingOphelia

I don't have room in my life for these kind of people.

If I were you, I'd drop her as a sponsor.

Fernaceman

As much as she probably means well and is just looking out for your best interests, I would definitely bring it up to her at the very least.

That was definitely not OK for her to do. Early sobriety is a critical time to form new relationships and building trust with people. If you were just blowing it off, that's one thing, but you're doing 12th step work instead! Nothing wrong with that.

I am very happy that you are handling this well. I have been in the same situation and I certainly didn't do the right thing and talk about it. I stuffed it and used it as an excuse to rationalize that everyone in AA is like this.

Like I said, I would talk with her about it. She probably feels very guilty. I am sure the last thing she wants to do is make you feel uncomfortable.

TimeToGetALife

it is unacceptable for anyone to shout, especially someone who is there to offer support... I think I would have to say something to her, but in a non-confrontational way.. she obviously has issues of her own that she is dealing with. x Stay strong, you have not done anything wrong, this is her issue not yours x

Anna

I would have hung up and moved on.

Toxic people don't belong in my life.

bluoval

Screaming at you is prolly not the best or only approach for your sponsor to have taken toward you in this case. I do have an approach (not the screaming kind) that I expect those I sponsor to follow - the same approach I was given by my sponsor and expected to follow. It's up to the sponsee to decide to work the approach I guide/direct them on. If not, they are free to chose someone else to guide/direct them.

Elisabeth888

Here's the thing: I have been through a handful of sponsors and have struggled to stay sober. The most time I have is 5 1/2 months and I have gotten to step 7. I have 45 days today. I feel strong, spiritually fit, have lost the obsession to drink by doing daily prayers. I have got to get through these steps. I am worried if I don't stay on it, I will drink. That is what I have done in the past. I am about to start step 4.

I would like to resolve it with her, set the boundary and move on.

I can say that I do not see myself staying with her after I get through the steps. Most of her sponsees switch from her after they go through them. She does have a lot of issues but she is really good at step work and working with early sobriety.

Dee74

As a child I was prone to shouting - it was my own inadequacies and fears at full roar....but I don't think it's OK either Elizabeth - and I hope you'll at least bring it up with her.

Shouting is not the way to get the best results out of me - nor have ever I found it the best way to get the best from others.

D

bluoval

Elisabeth, if it was me in this case, the boundary I would set would be to stay as far from future risk of this happening again. I'd make my peace and choose someone else to guide me through the steps. There are more effective approaches a sponsor can/will take.

oh2exhale

Thanks for your post Elisabeth. Good for you - that is growth, to pause when in doubt and figure out the next right thing to do! Sounds like you would be better off working with someone else. Find your next sponsor first, then just keep it a quick, no/minimal explanation to your current sponsor that you will be working with someone else. Continue to work your program! hope that helps - take what you want, leave the rest.
(hugs)

Live2Run25

I can personally say that I could not work with someone like that. That's rude. These are people to lean on, to look up too. This person doesn't sound ready for that responsibility.

heath480

Sorry this has happened elisabeth,no way is that acceptable behaviour on the part of your sponsor.

A sponsor is to guide you through the programme,not to tell where to go and when!

Difficult to advise you what to do,but if it has happened before there is a good chance it will happen again..I think I would look around for a new sponsor.

Have a good think and dont do anything whilst you are still angry.

I wish you well.

CarolD

To deal with resentments I read page 552 in our BB
and follow directions.

It's sad she has this way of speaking ..being rude is not ever effective.

...Glad you are continueing to move forward .

tomsteve

She did apologize about five minutes after doing it and said it was okay

so, she says its okay for you to go on a 12 step call? i would highly suggest bringing this up with her. a sponsor isnt supposed to be controlling.

HitRockBottom70

Elisabeth,
I think we all do a good enough job beating ourselves up without having someone else join in. You have not drank for 45 days. She did not do this, you did. Please see yourself as the powerhouse you are. It takes good energy to quit and stay quit. Try to surround yourself with people and things that are good for you.
I wish you the best.
By the way, I love your lab pic. I have a yellow lab. All love and they never yell at you over stupid stuff.

crewisms

Apology or not, I'd find a new sponsor immediately. Screaming is fine in a sporting event, but anywhere else, especially a sponsor to someone on the path of sobriety, is completely unacceptable. Walk away.

Thank you for starting this thread!

oinobares

Whatever happened to "relax and take it easy"? Screaming and berating certainly doesn't seem to be in the spirit of the program.

josh3

Never not help the sick,,,There is no greater legacy than to help someone else, especially the sick! Sounds like your sponsor has an ego issue. If you feel resentful, I'd find a new sponsor, but that is just me. Life is to short.

"When you are in the heat of the battleand need God's favor, you cant afford to have naysayers and doubters in your inner circle" J. Olsteen

Elisabeth888

She said that me attending her group should take precedence over doing service work. That is pretty messed up to me. I am still cooling off in my calm and collected way. Venting here really helps.

I am going with my friend to take a meeting to someone who needs it. I will discuss this with her, but it will not be tomorrow unless she calls me up and presses the issue. I am going to tell her I think she is wrong and that yelling and bossing me around is not an effective way to sponsor me.

Is it just me, or does it make y'all want to do the opposite when someone tells you what to do?

Lily

I had to let my sponsor go because of a circumstance in her life. So I found someone on the fly and she belittled me every time I called her. This relationship only lasted for 7 days. I asked myself if she had what I wanted. A giant NOPE came up and I immediately turned to prayer and asked God for a woman who had what I wanted. It worked, I found someone and she totally has what I want and is calm, loving and gentle. That is what I want.

(((HUGS)))