Itchy

Good for for getting it off your chest.

I am sorry you had that happen.

She needs to be told that you are no longer a child and certainly not her child. Because you would not take that from your mother either. And further that you have no interest in being her parent either. I would calmly tell her that you gave her respect up front and demand respect in return.

I take those childish behaviors entirely differently. Everybody keeps saying mommy because of her loud berating. Why is everybody taking the position of her above by her position?

Did everyone's mother verbally abuse them and yell at them? Mine didn't.

I have had folks try that once with me and I tell them I am not their Daddy thank goodness. So I am not responsible to teach them better and can walk away if they won't control themselves.

You have mentioned that you have not managed to quit for good and that she is good for step work?

I would run, not walk, and find a less dysfunctional home group and spinsor.

You are not responsible for her self esteem and sobriety. But you ARE responsible for your own.

Nirvana1

My sponsor used to get mad and yell at me too sometimes and I really hated it at the time. I didn't always want to follow some of his suggestions, and looking back he "yelled" because he could clearly see that I was trying to run my own show and use some of my old thinking that got me into AA. He is one of the nicest guys you would ever meet, and now that I understand things a little more, I can see that he was more "pleading" with me out of support rather than really yelling. What I now see is that I didn't want to do anything that made me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to do what I thought was best for me, and not necessarily what was actually best.

I'm not trying to defend your sponsor but why don't you try and see what made her so upset? Maybe she is worried since you have had many sponsors and many slips in AA and wants you try what has worked for others? No one likes to be yelled at, but my guess would be that she was like my sponsor, and was doing a "verbal shaking" to try and get through to you on something that is important to her.

Elisabeth888

What is wrong with me? She has called me this morning and I let it go to voicemail. She wants to know if she needs to pick me up. The meeting is 15 miles away or more and I have this whole other issue about her demands for gas money that I have posted about before. I would not let her pick me up just because of that.

Anyway, I am not going even the the 12th step call is at noon and her meeting is at 4. I just don't feel like having the convo with her. I need to grow a pair!

Zencat

Seems to me that this quandary is a great opportunity to set some boundaries with your sponsor. Even if this person has problems with emotional maturity, there will be times when you run into people that act similar. So now is as good as time as any to practice new skills with your boundaries.

You can even practice what you find is acceptable and unacceptable behavior as an writing exercise here with SR members. Write how you will or not allow people to treat you. And the consequence of ill treatment by others.

Your right, growth takes courage so be courageous!

PS - read this I/You Statements

Mark75

OK... Doing the passive aggressive stuff ain't gonna work too well... Unless of course you want to cultivate resentment.

You gotta suck it up and have it out with her... All of it, her unreasonable expectations, gas money, all of it... And if you have to, let her go.

Growth is painful. I know, I can be passive aggressive as hell... Ask my brother, LOL...

kiki5711

control freak. I couldn't handle it. I'd drop her quick and fast.

Elisabeth888

I did it!!!!! I set the boundary. I used I statements (Thanks Zen!) and I told her that yelling is not acceptable to me and that I wanted to be honest about how I felt. I also told her that she cannot control everything I do, so stop trying to please. I said it in a nice way. She gets it and was proud of me for telling her my feelings.

I can't voice enough thanks to the good folks of SR. You guys really helped me and you gave me strength.

Itchy

Good for you!

Zencat

I'm glad you stepped-up and faced a difficult task. Yes, "I" statements are an important recovery tool. Good on you for using them with your boundary setting.