danielle0754

Hello all. I am new to the forum. I'm pretty upset with myself. I was about to have 2 years clean in March of this year but I relapsed in February. I don't understand what happened. When I was drinking before it was horrible. I would wake up in jail cells and not remember how or why I was there. I finally sobered up March 8, 2010. Life got so good. My relationship with my husband improved, I lost 40 lbs, travelled the world, went to 5 different countries in one year, saved money, bought a house and had a baby! When I had my son, I just knew I would never ever pick up another drink. So what went wrong? I relapsed in February and my drinking has been getting worse and worse. I feel miserable. I'm depressed. I keep trying to think of how I quit the first time. I just seem to keep rationalizing my next drink.

duane1

Congratulations on that 2 years. I wouldn't dwell on what went wrong. I would try to take steps to get yourself sober again. You obviously can do it. As you have seen, it only takes a moment of weakness to go down that dark road again. Time to start anew again and change your life for the better.

MalkavianEmily

Welcome to SR danielle :ghug3
If we knew why we relapsed, would it actually help, I wonder? Fundamentally, we relapse because it's in our nature. We might tell ourselves that we drink because we're bored, lonely, angry, depressed, because we like the taste, delete-as-applicable but the truth is those are excuses, we drink because it's in our nature to drink.
And yes, we rationalise our drinking. "I'm a nicer person when I'm drunk," is one of mine. "I don't have a problem, so it's ok if I drink," is another.
You're in the right place to make a new start. There's good people on here. People who'll help pick you up when you fall over, people who'll give you encouragement. People who won't judge you, because we understand.
So, what's the plan for getting and staying sober?

danielle0754

Thanks. I'm just feeling so down right now because I have a baby. How on earth could I let myself drink when I have a son to take care of? I feel like the worst person in the world. I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm going to get clean again. I know I can do it. I just really hate myself for letting this happen when I have a beautiful son to look after. I really, really hate myself.

danielle0754

Hi Emily,
Thanks for the warm welcome! I'm thinking about staying with my father and his wife for a couple weeks with my son. They would never allow me to drink in their home so this way I can build up some days sober before returning home and then just keep up with my new record. Last time I got sober, I planned a vacation to the Amazon rain forest. I could never get passed 5 days sober before so what I did was, I stayed sober for the 5 days before I left for the Amazon. Then when I got there, I stayed at a lodge and was busy with touring and hikes, etc. and I stayed clean for the 6 days I was there. So when I got home I had 11 days sober and I just kept up my record for almost 2 years before I messed it all up.

duane1

I have 2 children of my own and I understand where you are coming from. Use your child as the inspiration to get clean.

SamanthaIam

Danielle, the self-hatred comes in large part from the alcohol itself, IMHO. Physically/chemically, you'll always feel worse and more depressed and down on yourself while in drinking mode. Somehow, continuing to drink keeps you focused on everything that's wrong.

I really hope you'll break out of the cycle, lose the alcohol, and re-discover your wonderful self! I know you can do it.

artsoul

Welcome danielle!

It took me 7 years to get back after relapsing...... it's amazing the hold alcohol can have on us once we start drinking again. You're here and you want to change and that's huge. I agree with Samantha that a lot of the anxiety and depression we have is from the alcohol. I felt so much better about myself and more positive about life after I got sober.

Keep reading and posting!

Live2Run25

Don't hate yourself Danielle, because YOU are the one that has to do this. We all make mistakes, and have replases. If it were easy there would be NO alcoholics in this world. Just think about your son. I'm sures he's young enough now to not remember, so you are at the best time to start over. You CAN do this!

Anna

Hi Danielle,

I'm glad that you are working to better your life for yourself and your child.

What I found was that stopping drinking was the beginning. I had to do so much work on myself in recovery. I had terribly low self-esteem, I was a control freak and I had completely lost all sense of myself. I guess I'm asking what changes in your life did you make, besides stopping drinking? Those are the things to focus on and to build on.

danielle0754

I've been doing some thinking and I think my relapse is attributed to a couple of things. One is that I got too cocky. In my 2 years sober I did a lot of travelling and lost a lot of weight. I was looking really good. I saved up a lot of money and was able to buy a house. I went back to college. I had a baby and even had my three stepchildren move in. I was feeling pretty invincible and I think I thought that because I made so many changes, that I could handle a drink. But of course, I couldn't. The other thing I think happened is that the stress of being a new homeowner, with a baby and 3 teenage stepchildren just got to me and I wanted to relieve some of that stress with alcohol. Of course, it's only been making things worse...

Anna

It's so good that you have the perspective to understand what happened. That's the way to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I know that for me, I had to simplify my life in order to recover. I couldn't do as much as I thought I 'should' do.

tomsteve

alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient. just waitin for us to let down our guard.

OCDDan

at least it doesn't sound like you did any real damage like car accidents, loss of job, etc.. the good thing is you can get sober and feel better. thank you very much for the post.

serious

you've done it before and you can do it again.

but relapse after a prolonged sobriety is the worst. i'm just getting over mine and although it didn't last for that long, the damage and the amount of alcohol consumed during that time was probably worse and more than when i first really got sobered up.

it's like i was trying to "catch up" on all the missed alcohol over the course of months in a few days. i felt like a human distillery.

crewisms

Welcome Danielle. You arrived at a great place here in SR. I'm sorry for your bump in the road, but you're already heading down the right path by laying out the truth and asking for help. And it seems you have incredible insight, and like Anna said, perspective. It comes down to exploring and understanding those deeper issues that lead us to the dreaded drink. Is it possible to step back and view your life from a different angle to find ways to slow down and simplify? Today is a great day to start again on the path of sobriety. We'll be here for you.:ghug3

2granddaughters

Hello Danielle:
I found Alcoholics Anonymous to be my ticket for getting and staying sober.

I wish you the best in your recovery.

Bob R

saraylah

Congratulations for seeking out help. Reaching out to us here in this forum, seeking answers from others who have been there. I am clean and sober and have been clean for three years, but I had a fall. That's what I call it. This is how I see it, we are clean this long and being clean doesn't mean just being without the drug of choice it also means modified behavior, better coping skills, understanding your triggers and being able to recognize the signs of mental relapse. I don't say that I relapsed just because I had a stumble, because that's all it was. My mind is still healthy, I am still in school, I am still a great mother, and I am still in recovery. The day that I let my responsibilites go and start thinking of my high as soon as I wake and not caring about anything or anyone and my only dollar is going to get high then I have relapsed. Don't be so hard on yourself, and stop the pitty party , dust yourself off and get back up. Believe me I know how bad it feels in the inside to know that you have this beautiful child who looks at you and thinks the world of you but your mind is telling you something different because you fell. Yes, they are a blessing in our life but they are not aware of everything that we face as parents. The stress the hard work of keeping a clean house and making Daddy happy and taking care of all the kids making sure they are happy. Its alot. And sometimes it feels good to just escape right. Yeah I know, but we have to stop. When everything becomes overwhelming just stop. Don't reach for the drink. Just stop and go to your room and sit. Think it all the way through. I don't have the same problem as you my drug of choice (DOC) was crack cocaine and that stuff overpowers your mind, but I think that any chemical that alters our mind is just as hard when it becomes an addiction. Because we have a craving doesn't mean that we have to give into it. That's the thing that make us scared a craving and an urge, but you know what they go away. You ignore it, you do something to take your mind off of the craving and that's how You fight back, you think of the consequences. Remove all alcoholic beverages from your home. A mind that has an addiction can make you believe many things such as I can handle just one this time , then another day its gonna be You did it the other day you controlled yourself so have another now, then after that its gonna be , You got control of yourself just have a few. No, THAT is a TRAP. You are setting yourself up for failure because you will become comfortable again with drinking and it will get out of control. You are someone special. You are a woman who overcame her drinking problem, got her life in order, has a beautiful family and just slipped. Now its time to get back up and look in the mirror at that beautiful person that is YOU and who knows what they don't want in their life and thats "chaos"= alcohol. You can do it, go walking with your baby, go running, do something to keep you from picking up that drink. Start a home project for the baby's room, like a nice wall of photos. It's going to be ok. Sometimes it happens just don't stay in that frame of mind. You still have your time of 2 years sober, keep up the good fight. Good luck. Hugs sent to you.
:ghug3

GiGi13

Think of how wonderfully blessed you have been in your life.. 2 years clean..a loving husband, beautiful baby and strength and encouragement all around you. Never give up the hope and dont worry about what you did then to quit...think more about what you are going to do NOW to quit... you CAN DO THIS!!!!! Keep the faith dear!!!

crewisms

Sara. That was a beautiful post. And so true.