epskie

Hello All,

I am 74 days sober and have been attending AA meetings approx 3 times a week since April 4th. I haven't found a sponsor yet but I am desperate to start working the steps. I keep getting big waves of guilt about the terrible things I've done throughout my drinking and it's really suffocating me. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and my self loathing comes crashing back on me :-(

Does anybody have any advice at all on how to deal with this until I find a sponsor? It's really getting me down :'-(

Thanks everyone x

doggonecarl

I cringe with shame about things I've done over thirty years ago. But getting sober has clearly drawn a line between the "old" me and the "new" me. Knowing I'm working on my recovery makes the guilt bearable--and short lived--for me.

What's the hold up in getting a sponsor?

Hevyn

epskie - The guilt & remorse almost sent me back to drinking. I had some great advice here about that - mainly from Dee early on. He convinced me that dwelling on the past would keep me from moving forward, and to give myself a break so I could begin to heal. (Well, not in those exact words )

I always felt that the drunk me bore no resemblance to the real me. I try to remember that I'd never have behaved so terribly unless I was wasted, numb, or foggy. The 'real' epskie deserves a chance at a new life - the old epskie will be left in the dust. You can rise above this.

epskie

Thanks so much guys - in tears here. I can't go back to the self loathing as its a rocky road so I desperately need to start working the steps.

I can't seem to find a right person to ask. I had someone in mind but then I overheard another girl saying she was going to ask her. I am going to a new meeting tomorrow night so fingers crossed x

PeacefulRain

Oh I cringe too! BUT when I think that will never happen again I feel like a load has been lifted off! You can't change the past but you can make the future so much better!

HUGS

Anna

Ah, Epskie, I can feel your pain and I went through that, too. It was terrible for me.

What helped me a lot was journalling. People here encouraged me to journal and I resisted at first, but once I started, it was so liberating. I found that writing out the words, the weight was slowly but steadily lifted from me. I wrote for many months and in the end I burned the journal.

epskie

Thank you. I think I'll give that a try Anna. The pain is bad tonight - the way I've treated my kids, my sister, my husband - I can't bear it. I've done some dreadful things and it's cutting me up inside. I really need to get on top of this x

Jitterbugg

Hi epskie,
I also suffer from periodic waves of guilt and shame. I could be doing something simple, like grocery shopping or watching the news, and a bad memory gets triggered. Now that I'm sober and thinking clear, many suppressed memories of my drunken past come back clear as day. I just say to myself "That will never be me again"...

heath480

Hang in there epskie,you are doing so well,it will get better.In my early days I cried a lot,usually when I was driving home from a meeting.

Have you got a copy of the 12 and 12? Hopefully the right sponsor for you will come along,is there anyone you could ask to be a temporary sponsor?


Hope you get a good sleep.

Dee74

Hi Epskie

I felt the same way - eventually I realised that whatever I'd done I couldn't change a second.

That hurts - but I needed to accept that...dwelling so much in the past took me away from where I needed to be now - the present.

I look on my life now as a second chance - I try not to waste a day, and I feel good about the things I'd done since I got sober.

I don't know if it's an option for you, but volunteering was a great way for me to get out of my head and for putting my problems in perspective

I feel a lot better about myself now - I'm doing the things I always felt I should have been doing - I consider that a kind of living amends...

I hope you'll find the same espkie - keep looking forward

D

tomsteve

my past was a major excuse to drink. i wasnt not very fond of me or what i had done in the past and didnt want to remember it. no matter what i did, i could not except it.
when i got into AA, i got a new perspective. nothing i ever did, thought, or said was original. it had all been done, thought, or said before by others. i had to talk to someone, someone who had been down the same road. i leanred a lot on what made me tick. i learned i wasnt a bad person. just a sick person.
today i can look at everything in my past and its an open book. i can look at it and says," yup, i did that and that was how i was. im greatful that aint me today!"

and dont be afraid to ask that person you wanted to ask to be your sponsor.

LDT

I like Dee's suggesting of volunteering. If you love animals...or even just like them....shelters all over are screaming for volunteers.....as are soup kitchens and women's shelters, libraries, hospitals, etc.

I felt crushed by guilt also. I think we all do. I started my recovery by writing letters of love and apology to my 4 kids and husband. That was a good start. It's been 17 months for me, and I have forgiven myself. I have peace now.

Tippingpoint

Worrying about the past...or the future for that matter is insanity. You can't change the past and worrying about the future isn't going to change that either.

If you can focus all your energy on the present moment you will soon forget all about the past and have a much better chance of getting the future you want for yourself.

liv1ce

It doesn't take much to see that what you are experiencing is a universal issue for all of us. Note the us. As was noted above there isn't anything you've done that hasn't been done before. Nothing you've thought ... and so on. I would hope for time to pass so that I could sense some distance between the horrible, stupid, inconsiderate and disgusting things that I did while under the influence. I found that to help a great deal - for me. I wanted so badly for a week, a month, a year to pass and I personally found that it truly insulated me in some way. You are 74 days out there and that person is well behind you now. You don't do those things anymore.

I have been told here on this site that I need to learn to forgive myself and the same is true of you. You truly cannot take it back or change it but you can make it so you never do it again.

aeo1313

My sponsor has at least 4 sponsees so don't let that stop you from asking. I have finally realized that I don't need my sponsor to be my best friend, I need her to be my guide through sobriety.

And guilt! Yesterday I went to a women's mtg and cried through the whole thing. Things from drinking times I have not thought about (this was back in college 17 yrs ago) came washing over me and I broke down mid sentence out of nowhere.

This is really hard stuff we are going through and being sober we can't hide from it any more. ((hugs)) I'm right here with you.

Ann

Saliena

I really needed to hear/read all of this. I am almost 7 month sober. Each day it gets just alittle bi easier.

Notmyrealname

I think you try to make amends and apologize where you can do it without hurting anyone further, and you try to be a better person going forward, and over time you gradually begin to judge yourself on what you've been doing, rather than what you did back when you were drinking, and hopefully people forgive you, and you can forgive yourself.

And then it's all sunshine and rainbows, I guess. If I get to that point, I'll come back and share

artsoul

I sorry your in pain, epskie. I'm glad you posted about it, though and I hope you have good luck finding someone at your meeting that can help you with the steps.

You're not a bad person - if you were, you wouldn't have regret. None of us decided one day it would be a good idea to get addicted and hurt the people we love. Just remember, you hurt yourself too, and you need to give yourself a little understanding and compassion. :ghug3

CaiHong

Espkie,
I kept procrastinating about the fourth step and sponsors, in the end I just wanted to get better and did my 4 th step with a temporary sponsor and whether or not it was the perfect 4 th step it worked for me. My advice just do it.
I did have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps as promised I, am accepting my past. I could never rationalize my past away I needed the HP to rid me of that burden.

love CaiHong

donenow

I'm not AA, the making amends step sounds great though, I think everyone here struggles with remorse and guilt, which in some cases drives the sufferer back to the bottle to hel alleviate those horrible feelings. To heal you need to allow yourself to let go, to give yourself permission to stop beating yourself up over the past.

I have found meditation and especially working with the practice of mindfulness very liberating. There are some terrific podcasts around guided meditation for the beginner from zencast which have been wonderful for me. We're all here for you, keep going!