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Old 06-21-2012, 10:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Family issues


I am on the verge of a total breakdown. It concerns me that I know it is coming and I can't divert it this time. It won't be my first; it probably won't be my last.

In my family, if you didn't say it out loud, it didn't happen. My father didn't marry my mother just to please my grandmother, and he didn't have a girlfriend in another town. Well, until the non-existent girlfriend had the baby that is now my very real half-sister. Of course she was 4 years old before my brothers and I even knew about her. My grandmother (paternal) made sure my dad knew he was not welcome back in their home and he was not ever to bring HER or that brat into their home. Even then it seemed strange to me that my mother, my brothers, and I lived with my dad's parents after the divorce. My grandfather would take me to his garage with him so I could see my father, and I learned if you don't say it out loud, hey, it didn't happen.

I got pregnant and married at 16 just to get away from them. I hated not being able to finish school but, as my family put it "I made my bed". The marriage lasted four years, but, somehow my ex and I remain friends to this day. Since, I have married twice more and had a son. I have now been married for 24 years and have four grandchildren. But, it is my daughter and my dad's "other family" on my mind and heart today.

It took years for my dad and I to even begin to reconcile. My sister and I have overcome a lot of the BS and although we are 12 years apart in age we have managed to form a bond. Everything that happened long ago was no more her fault than it was mine. Of course, by bonding with her and reconciling with my dad I have somehow betrayed my mother (can't win with this woman).

My daughter and I have had a very strained relationship for most of her life. I had remained in Arkansas after the divorce and we were fine until she started going to Kentucky to visit her dad and his parents. She was treated like a princess and given everything she wanted by his parents. My ex mother-in-law had raised three boys and she saw Amy as the daughter she never had. I gave up; I admit it. I was not going to compete with them on that level even if I could have. I sent her to live with her dad when she was 10 years old. I felt like such a failure, but my thinking at the time was that maybe if she lived there full time for a while.......I don't know that maybe she would see things differently. Her stepmother took good care of her and I am grateful for her. But, she also instilled a sense of materialism in my daughter that caused more problems when she was with me. I refused to spend the cost of an entire wardrobe for me on one outfit for her, and so it continued. She grew more and more spoiled and I saw less and less of her. Until she turned 15.....

She got involved with a guy 4 years older than herself who introduced her to drugs, marijuana and then cocaine, and then he gave her herpes. Since she was now an embarrassment to the family name she was shipped back down here for me to deal with. Right. Needless to say that didn't turn out really well for either of us. She was a total disruption on our household, stealing, lying and of course, she found the druggies. It was finally decided by me and her father she would return to KY.

Fast forward, the guy she met when she was 15 came back into the picture, several years of abuse (physical) and more drugs later she found out she was pregnant. He kicked her out. They had been staying with his parents and she had taken his mother's car to town to get drugs. She says she was car-jacked by three black guys and raped. His mother says she f***ed and s***ed and then gave her car to them for drugs. Her BF often sent her for drugs and told her to pay for them however it took. I figure there was no rape but the car was stolen from her and she didn't know what else to say.
She came back to Arkansas to have the baby. She struggled but stayed clean durning the pregnancy. Once the baby was born and she knew the BF was the father she put his name on the birth certificate (huge fight resulting in me being told it was her f***ing kid and I needed to butt out). He came down and six days after she was born, my granddaughter was gone.

Fast forward....she finally got tired of the beatings, and came back down here. She got clean and found a job, put my granddaughter in a private school and life was looking good. Then she discovered meth and meth became her life. The school my granddaughter was in became concerned and called DHS. I begged my daughter to let me have Sienna and to get herself straight again. She was running with a guy who was suspected of murdering a few people and I feared for Sienna's life as well as my own if I tried to intervene. I called the father (AKA the sperm donor) and to his tribute he did the right thing and got the child away from here. I've missed seeing her grow up but she is growing up. I still miss her so much.

My daughter finally did clean up enough to know she had made a terrible mistake and moved to KY to live with her grandparents so she could be near Sienna. I made a lot of trips home during that time and got to see how well they were doing. Finally, I could exhale.

Then the phone rang.....my daughter was missing. She left for work one morning and hadn't been seen for three days. I went up there and we filled out the missing persons paperwork and we sat and waited. She finally showed up, strung out, and pissed because we reported her missing. The courts in KY terminated her parental rights; it would be up to Chad if she was ever allowed to visit Sienna again. She went on another binge and was found wandering the streets of town looking for a place to crash.....five months pregnant. I brought her home yet again and nursed her through the pregnancy yet again. There would be no one to call this time; she has no clue who the father his. She gave birth to another daughter Aug 30, 2007, one day after my birthday.

August 26, 2009 DHS removed the child from my daughter's care. It took me until October to get Mia into my care and in Jan 2010 my daughter signed Mia over to me rather than get clean.

I know this lengthy but there really isn't a Cliff's Notes version (actually, this is the Cliff Notes version). This is where the ends tie together. My daughter went to prison for manufacturing; she was sentenced to 56 years but was able to get into a 9 month special needs program through the Dept. of Corrections. While she was in there she began to mend broken fences with all of her grandparents, uncles, younger siblings. it was wonderful to watch my daughter reappear in the broken and abused body of the meth addict. She got out Nov. 1, 2011. We were unable to make a planned trip to KY because I blew my car engine and she started to slip into depression. She really wants to see her grandparents (they are all in poor health) and I have no way to get her there. She has to get permission from her PO to leave the state and her PO won't give her a permit to travel alone.

My sister is bringing my dad and stepmom to visit me tomorrow; I have been stressed to the max over this. I haven't seen them since I got sober and they haven't seen my daughter in over a decade. Both my dad and stepmother have a tendency to blurt whatever they think right out without consideration of anyone else's feelings. If they see they have struck a nerve, they know right where to hit you next time. I don't know if it makes them feel superior or what. I have been concerned about what they will say to Amy and how to politely tell them to shut the f*** up.

And now, for the rest of the story........my daughter has been missing since Monday night. Today is her 36th birthday and I know in my heart she is out there on a binge. I can't do this any more. I also cannot listen to one word from my dad and stepmom about how worthless my daughter is and did I really think she had changed? Because, yes I thought she had changed. The hardest part is knowing these two have the audacity and self righteousness to say these things to me while I know they got married before my parents were divorced and that they had another daughter together when my stepmom was 18. She gave birth in FL and her mother passed the child off as her own. So my stepmom's "little sister" is actually my older sister born two weeks before me.

When my grandma was dying and it was just me in the room with her she kept repeating "to many secrets, there are just to many secrets"......famous last words and should have been her epitaph.
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Old 06-21-2012, 10:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow. This is some heavy stuff. I can certainly see how you are having a hard time. Whatever you do. Stay sober. We are all here for you!!
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Old 06-21-2012, 11:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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My prayers are silent these days, but I will let you know I'm putting in some extras for you.

You can get through this. You can.

I am just starting to bond with my sister (mom had her 6 years before me, gave her up for adoption, blah blah blah, I was 34 when I found out I DID have a sister -- mom always alluded to having 4 kids and it was a sister).

Your family isn't the only one with secrets.

You aren't alone, you and your family are cared about.

With much love to you,
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Old 06-21-2012, 12:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I think all of us have family secrets.

This isn't worth losing your sobriety over.

Prayers are with you!
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Old 06-21-2012, 12:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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My heart goes out to you, ladybug. Although we can't control what other people do, it doesn't mean we don't hurt over it.

My father gave me some good advice when I was going through a crisis with one of my children: "We have to do the best we can and give the rest to God." I hope you can find a place of peace during this time. :ghug3
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Old 06-21-2012, 12:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm really sorry you're going through this and I send prayers to you and your family.

I understand how you can't do this anymore and I hope you can take a moment to relax and breathe and be kind to yourself.
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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im no expert and please forgive me for saying this but iv noticed both sides dont seem to admit there is problems and either hide from the problem, dont deal with the problem or get rid of the problem without dealing with any of it which is why your daughter could have ended up the way she did. one minute shes the little princess next minute when things are getting tough they deal with it by sending her back to you for you to deal with on your own which is not only unfair on you as its obviously hard to get someone who hasnt lived with you for a while to stick by your rules and do as you say and the fact she would have felt deserted by her other family. theyve now took on their grandchild but whats going to happen if she goes off the rails as a teenager? i cant give you an answer for what to do but i do feel for you as you are having to try and clean up the mess the other family have maybes made. take care you deserve a stress free life so i hope things get resolved xx
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Old 06-21-2012, 01:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm really sorry ladybug - I really hope your daughter shows up soon.

I have a similar family attitude - things that definitely did happen never happened...I've learned that, whatever the reason - denial, coping mechanism, shame - it's the way my family deals (or doesn't deal) with stuff.

I try not to let that stress me out these days.
I'm an adult and I like the way I think and how I run my life & deal with my problems.

Everyone has an opinion. I don't have to let those opinions bother me.

D
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Old 06-22-2012, 02:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words.

No, my sobriety is not at risk here. It is mine, and nobody is going to take that away from me. Once I posted what I had to say, I felt lighter somehow. I put the baggage out there and set it free.

I haven't spoken with my daughter, but I have been in contact with people who have. She left me a voice mail late last night and told me she is okay and that she just needs to be where she is right now.

The ones I have heard from have told me several different things, one says that she isn't strung out just depressed, another says she is crashing from a binge, yet another says she is totally out of her mind but none of them say where she is staying. From the tone of her voice mail and years of experience with her I think they are all correct. She isn't strung out (now) and is severly depressed because she is crashing. I do worry about the out of her mind thing as I received a test with a picture of a severe head wound she suffered the day after I last saw her. So please send your thoughts and prayers that she reaches out for the help she so desparately needs.

As for the dad visit, they are 40 miles away right now but they did leave the stepmom at home. Will let you know how it goes. Thank you all so much again. I haven't felt this connected or accepted in a long time, all of you mean a good deal to me.
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Old 06-22-2012, 04:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you for sharing Lady bug I hope all goes well for you I will keep you in my prayers.
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Old 06-22-2012, 05:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Well, good that she has been located and is safe.

Prayers for you and your daughter and your family. :ghug3
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Old 06-22-2012, 05:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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As a teacher, the hardest thing I had to learn was to model the correct behavior. They might taunt you. They might bully you, but in the end, if you stand your ground modeling the behavior you expect from them without lashing out, they will find respect for you. it won't happen overnight and you might think you are weak. however, having taught enough 13 year old how to behave without yelling or lashing out once, I can honestly say that it is worth the lashings(from them). I am still visited by old students to say thank you. good luck and be the person you are in the face of everything else. at least they aren't a class of 13 year olds

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Old 06-23-2012, 10:59 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I hope all goes welll for you. And it will when you stand up for yourself to your Father and StepMother. If they are in your house just tell them nicely and respectfully calm and in a non offensive tone of voice That this is your house and they are your guests, they can not bad mouth your daughter no matter what she is doing, she is going through something right now and you are handling the matter HOW YOU are able. Let them know there are boundaries that you will not let them overstep and you can only ask them to do this out of respect for you and if they are not mature enough to understand your request then that is their problem. Your daughter is a different story. I feel for you and her. I remember my mother going through this with me, my DOC (drug of choice) was crack. I didn't start using that drug till I was 30 years old, but had been a heavy cocaine user since I was 17. Your daughter is out there for whatever reason she has but she also has an addiction that is lying and numbing her from all the pain she is feeling. Its is such a deceitful state of mind that she doesn't see the bad because she is in "ADDICTION". Its breathing in her. Sometimes You as a mother and needs of her own , need to remove yourself from the situation, and take care of yourself and the beautiful baby you have there with you. My mother tough loved me but at the time I was in my addiction I didn't see it like that I saw that she hated me, she betrayed me. This was the story 4 years ago. I went out there on a relapse and started hanging with an ex drug dealer friend who became my boyfriend and was no longer a dealer cause he was a user now, and since I decided I wanted to be with him I lost my home, my new car, my Mother. She did not want to talk to me, called the cops on me said that I tried to run her over in my new car that was under her name but she told the cops that I stole it from her and as she tried to stop me from taking the car I tried to run her over...ha so very far from the truth. None of that happened - I was out and decided not to come home one day and didn't go to work and she found out cause she was already suspicious of my behavior- I could not understand why in the world my Mother would lie on me sooo. Anyway a few days later the cops foound me and my boyfriend in the car putting gas in at a Shell and low and behold 8 cop cars zoomin on us like we were some bank robbers or something. (There was a lo jack installed in my car just in case it was stolen and to lower insurance rate since it was a sports car) anyhow the cops took us both to jail and I stayed in jail for a week and lost my very good job with a high profile Forensic Psychologist here in Houston and I lost my Mother. I was soooooo angry but what did I do when I got out of jail, did I go speak to her try to mend things up , NO the rage inside me and the addiction telling me lies to keep me far from my family led me straight to the dope house. I am telling you all this cause I want to give you some insight on the addicted mind. It has no reason or purpose in life but to get high at any rate and at any cost. Addiction wants the person's soul, mind, heart, sanity, self respect, health, family, happiness - THE PERSONS LIFE. My Mother did not speak to me for a while- I got out of jail on my Birthday 7-31-08 went and got high, while my boyfriend was in jail and the next day I was allright enough to go pick up my last check to bond out this dumb boyfriend. Understand now that I have no place to stay now cause my mother said if thats the life I want and choose don't come back to the house, or her property and since my house is buit on her property I had no where to go. So there i am living with this idiot, smoking crack and getting high high high. His mother didn't let him stay with her cause she lived with her 85 year old mother and besides all that he would steal anything that was worth a dollar, so we are living in this house his sister used to rent out but she moved out cause she owed past due rent, so the utilitites were off except the water and that was where we stayed, no light, no food , no air condition, just a sofa in the front room and a house full of addicts. I chose to live there with this young buck getting high and had no worries. Horrible. Long story but my point is your daughter is where she wants to be right now and to her it doesn't matter how bad it is she just doesn't see it that way YET. Its going to take something really hard for her to snap out of it. Yes mam I know thats your daughter and you feel something awful in your heart that she is doing this but you can not change her she musst do the changing on her own. And for me that was the hardest thing in the world- facing myself and the fact that I was addicted to crack. Take care of yourself and that precious baby. Tough love is hard but it works. I am sober now since I had my son 06-09. Another thing I would like to mention is I had already been trying to get sober many times before I finally went to a womens program for a year and after being out I stopped my praying and fell back into old behavior and then it followed with this tough love relapse. Your daughter needs to first get tired of that life and what that drug is doing to her. Unfortunately not everyone makes it out.....I have a cousin who has made the choice to live a life in the street, although she tried to stop she just preferred the hard life vs the hard fight to get clean and sober. Its a choice that each one of us has and each one of us has to make on our own. I will be keeping your daughter in my prayers as well as you. But you have sunshine and hope right there with you and that's the child you have. Your grandbaby has you as she is so blessed by you taking care of her. I feel for you cause it has to be hard, I know it cause I was there only I was on the other side in the addiction. What I hope you understand from this long message is that we all have choices and there IS HOPE AND SUCCESS out there for people who are using. I was a person lost in my unheatlhy mind sick with addiction and although my mother did not speak to me for 10 months , when it came time for me to have my son , Who do you think zoomed over to my house (cause by that time I had moved back into a house I had from a previous marriage which was awarded to me in the divorce) to go with me to the hospital to see the baby that she said she wanted nothing to do with......MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER. And by THAT time all the anger that I felt towards MY MOTHER (for locking me out of my house and calling the cops on me and just loving me from a distance because she had to LOVE herself to stay healthy and free from the stress and pain of seeing me in my drug addiction and abusive relationship I had bruises on me my head split open and all to be out there getting high) was not there. And she held my hand as I gave birth and was the first one to hold my son and she told me everything was going to be allright. All her prayers helped me, As well as my son being born but truely I finally made the choice to fight with all my might to get clean. So I went into a rehab and stayed for 45 days and although I had gotten out in July a week before my birthdate I was using again by August - my son was staying with my Mother so that I could finish all my CPS classes but by November I had had enough of the being out there with my boyfriend getting high and I packed up my stuff and let him live there in my house while I went home to my Mothers house to be with my son and rehabilitate myself to a healthy mind again and by being there with my mother and working and just being a mother to my son- I got stronger, little by little and here I am now sober and attending school, and I been living in my house here on her property for two years now and my Mother and I have the best relationship ever. And I thank her for that tough love she gave me to this day I thank her. Shes a tough lady and some might see it as mean but I know differrent, She loved me then and she loves me now. I wish you and your daughter the best as you and her fight this horrible fight of addiction, not only are you fighting for you but youre also fighting for your granddaughter to get her mother back. It can be done. And welcome to ther Community of SoberRecovery its an awesome tool for support. I love it. I hope i didn't offend you with anything I said I just want to share because I know it can be done. We all have done it and if I can sharing my stories to help you and give you support than I am glad to be of some kind of comfort. God Bless you and your family. Hugs sent out to you. :ghug3
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Old 06-23-2012, 04:43 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Sara;

No offense taken at all, and thank you for sharing your story with me.

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