OCDDan

If I didn't know better, I'd say it's been about four months since my last drink, time seems to have slowed down, and it seems like with each day, i feel better and better, which brings me to why would i pick up that first drink?

I have to wonder if there's some real explaination for it, like after years of generations it get's programmed into our minds that alcohol makes everything better? maybe it's that few years before we drink like alcoholics, the memories are permenantly stored as good and therefore alcohol is always considered good in the sub-conscious?

I guess i'm stuck here for now, I need to know WHY would i throw away these incredibly good feelings of being sober and then drink, as stupid as it is, but I still get the urges to drink. Every morning i'm super glad i didn't drink and every day i feel like a drink, i know, insanity, but i feel the need for more clarity.

Gottalife

I guess if you are not an alcoholic of my type you might well break the habbit and simply stick to your choice not to drink. But as to why an alcoholic of my type would drink when things seem to be going so well is a puzzle. Maybe its just because I am an alcoholic and one of the characteristics I had was at certain times I had no effective defence against the first drink. Many was the day I swore off only to find myself drinking a few hours later without any thought of the consequences. How and why it happened was a mystery to me. I was unable to bring into my conscoiuness with sufficient force the consequences I had suffered only a few hours ago. My mind wasn't working, the sane thoughts like 'think through the drink" just didn't come. I really feel that this is the insanity of the true alcoholic, those few moments before the fatal first drink. Its like sticking your hand in a fire expecting not to get burnt, or repeatedly running out in front of a bus. They'd lock you up for your own safety for these things.

In AA we call it the obsession of the mind and we take the steps in order to have it removed, usually having exhausted all other avenues first.

sugarbear1

Congratulations on 60 days!

Be vigilant every 30 days...the body changes at that time...

Threshold

For me, it is usually because I am feeling something I don't want to feel, and I can't think of anything better to do about it, or I don't want to do anything but blot the feeling out. Sometimes this is a subconscious thing, years of avoidance behavior created the automatic equation:
icky feeling=get wasted.

Other times it's because I am tired of identifying myself as an addict, or recovering addict, or burned out on my recovery work...and I use my old friend "magical thinking" and tell myself that if I don't ACT like an addict, then I'm not. That I can just act like any old non addict person.

Sometimes I just miss that feeling that comes at first, that easy warm slip slide. I just want that feeling, and focus on that rather than what comes next. (a very expensive abulance ride)

Like I said, this can all happen unconsciously or consciously. My best defense for it is to work on growing as a person through my recovery, learning real life coping skills and applying them, work on stress reduction, and spend time here being reminded why I shouldn't pick up, and why recovery is the best gift I can give myself.

llastchance8

Life in recovery is fantastic if we are growing and helping other and just not counting days.. Very well done and keep it up .

Live2Run25

Congrats on 60 days!!

DisplacedGRITS

Congrats Dan! Funny how sober times slows down. I lived more in my first sober 30 days than i did in a half year of drinking. At 90 days i feel like my last drink was a lifetime ago and in a way i guess it was. Keep fighting the good fight and winning!

bloss

Thanks for all the above posts, I also have thoughts of "the feeling" alcohol provides, even after long periods of sobriety. Best defense, for me, is not pick up the first, terribly hard to put it down after all the relapses I have had.
4/24/12

Dee74

I spent a lot of time wondering why Dan - but maybe we don;t need to know why to do something about it?

I found when I put my energy into my recovery those strange mental blank spots, those auto pilot moments stopped happening anyway

Congratulationson 60 days!
D