The Updated Clean Plan for Stability
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by pauladmits 
Well the first one is self explanatory. I'm trying to go 30 days with out alcohol. If I don't then I would have failed on that challenge.
The second one I can see where you are coming from. I hope I was speaking in past tense in terms of that's what I would have done in the past. Because it definitely comes off as I would have drank had I not driven... but I would never have gone if I didn't drive, so it's one of those conundrums.
But I promise you, I was not going to drink last night regardless of the situation.
The second one I can see where you are coming from. I hope I was speaking in past tense in terms of that's what I would have done in the past. Because it definitely comes off as I would have drank had I not driven... but I would never have gone if I didn't drive, so it's one of those conundrums.
But I promise you, I was not going to drink last night regardless of the situation.
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by pauladmits
Originally Posted by GerandTwine
Paul, notice when it gets down to the basic problem, there seems to be two of you in this conversation.
I audio-taped myself after my last drink when I was coming down. I was despondent talking to myself about how I felt I screwed up my life. I think I taped it because I knew it was a gigantic turning point in my life. A year later, I loaned the tape to an addiction counselor and never saw it again.
I bet your journaling helps you unmix those "persons mixed up in one". That's what I was trying to get at.
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
Now, I'm confused. You accepted a challenge to not drink, but would have if you hadn't been driving? So what you are saying is you won't drink unless you change your mind to drink, unless the opportunity reveals itself?
I see where this is heading. You have it played out in your head as having things under control. You feel good, you're productive and that is great. I also know you will continue to believe you have it under control until it goes terribly wrong. I don't want you to fail and want you to succeed, but from my experience, I drank hard for 25 years, things will take a turn for the worst. What have you done to rewire, to change your mind set or habits? You have managed a few days of abstinence and a few days of controlled drinking. Can you go on like this for the rest of your life? I don't know, but I know I couldn't do it. I tried. I had to learn new behaviors and skills. You seem to be white knuckling through until you give in. Trust me, the dam is going to break. You will need to learn some skills on how not to drink and give into cravings. Unless you do this, I believe, nothing will change. That has been my experience and many others as well. I gotta be honest, I'm worried about you.
I see where this is heading. You have it played out in your head as having things under control. You feel good, you're productive and that is great. I also know you will continue to believe you have it under control until it goes terribly wrong. I don't want you to fail and want you to succeed, but from my experience, I drank hard for 25 years, things will take a turn for the worst. What have you done to rewire, to change your mind set or habits? You have managed a few days of abstinence and a few days of controlled drinking. Can you go on like this for the rest of your life? I don't know, but I know I couldn't do it. I tried. I had to learn new behaviors and skills. You seem to be white knuckling through until you give in. Trust me, the dam is going to break. You will need to learn some skills on how not to drink and give into cravings. Unless you do this, I believe, nothing will change. That has been my experience and many others as well. I gotta be honest, I'm worried about you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
White knuckling was teaching my daughter to drive in heavy thruway traffic.
Paul doesnt seem to be half as anxiety ridden,
hes approaching with a logical mindset. Figuring things out as they happen and sharing.
Not everyone uses a formal program (or needs it).
Keep posting Paul, you are giving us all something of value!
Paul doesnt seem to be half as anxiety ridden,
hes approaching with a logical mindset. Figuring things out as they happen and sharing.
Not everyone uses a formal program (or needs it).
Keep posting Paul, you are giving us all something of value!
Grateful AA member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Paul, I am proud of you. You are very honest and while this approach doesnt work for everyone especially me we are all different and we learn through our own experiences. Stay strong
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Paul, as usual I think you have a great attitude. You are learning each and every day as you go through this journey. I also think keeping a journal is a great tool for recovery. I didn't do that, and I wish I had. I think it will be so helpful for you to go back and read your journal entries as you move forward. 
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
White knuckling can be many things. To me, it means flying by the seat of my pants. Meaning, not having experience in something, but wanting certain results. The question being, how do I get desired results if I don't have the knowledge or skills?
I don't have an agenda here or am I pushing a certain program. I'm suggesting reading a book or anything, something to substantiate fighting the cravings that keep creeping up. Those cravings are tough to stave off. Documenting is great. Being honest is great and I appreciate the sharing of the experience, but I sense a bit of waffling and that concerns me.
Stating, honestly, if the situation would have been different scotch or wine would have been included in the plans. To me, that is a concern. My experience has been that there are times when we overlook the situation to suit our cravings. In these situations, a little back up plan or skills would be useful.
Paul, keep up the hard work. I do believe you want this and are doing a great thing for yourself and others. I appreciate you sharing your experience. By no means do I judge or wish to make you feel like a failure. I am you. I have been there. I'm only making suggestions that I know helped me. That is the purpose of this forum. To help others along the way. We all are on the same path. I am glad you are feeling great and exploring life sober.
I don't have an agenda here or am I pushing a certain program. I'm suggesting reading a book or anything, something to substantiate fighting the cravings that keep creeping up. Those cravings are tough to stave off. Documenting is great. Being honest is great and I appreciate the sharing of the experience, but I sense a bit of waffling and that concerns me.
Stating, honestly, if the situation would have been different scotch or wine would have been included in the plans. To me, that is a concern. My experience has been that there are times when we overlook the situation to suit our cravings. In these situations, a little back up plan or skills would be useful.
Paul, keep up the hard work. I do believe you want this and are doing a great thing for yourself and others. I appreciate you sharing your experience. By no means do I judge or wish to make you feel like a failure. I am you. I have been there. I'm only making suggestions that I know helped me. That is the purpose of this forum. To help others along the way. We all are on the same path. I am glad you are feeling great and exploring life sober.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Paul, notice when it gets down to the basic problem, there seems to be two of you in this conversation.
It was when this 'two mind' idea occurred to me that I decided I could stop drinking and I knew how I was going to do it. I could strengthen the mind that says to stop, and weaken and ignore the mind that says to continue drinking. Accentuate the positive, minimize the negative and *sigh* don't mess with Mr. In-Between. Johnny Mercer and Der Bingle, credit where due etc.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Paul, I remain beyond impressed with your honesty although I do think if it takes this much of a production for you to abstain for a meager 30 days (a complete non-issue for someone who isn't an alcoholic) you will eventually come to the conclusion that this is something you simply can't control. Conventional wisdom says it takes right about 90 days of diligently modifying thought and behaviour to change even deeply-ingrained habits so if or when you make it to your 30 day goal, you might not really have achieved anything.
I am seeing a substance-abuse counselor who has almost 30 years experience. He says he has never, not once, without exception, encountered an addict/alcoholic who has managed to "control" what they use. I'm an alcoholic and have made it for 30 days and then some, up to a year, over the last 39 years - but have never once for a minute in almost four decades been free of my compulsive/addictive behaviour. Usually involving alcohol and nicotine but also including speed, coke, pot and basically anything that chemically alters my consciousness. So for me, 30 days has often been do-able, but really changed nothing at all in the long run.
But I think you are extremely courageous to lay it all out here! Your honesty and rigorous introspection will always stand you in good stead, I think.
I am seeing a substance-abuse counselor who has almost 30 years experience. He says he has never, not once, without exception, encountered an addict/alcoholic who has managed to "control" what they use. I'm an alcoholic and have made it for 30 days and then some, up to a year, over the last 39 years - but have never once for a minute in almost four decades been free of my compulsive/addictive behaviour. Usually involving alcohol and nicotine but also including speed, coke, pot and basically anything that chemically alters my consciousness. So for me, 30 days has often been do-able, but really changed nothing at all in the long run.
But I think you are extremely courageous to lay it all out here! Your honesty and rigorous introspection will always stand you in good stead, I think.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Day 21 Afternoon
Oh my gosh!! Please save me! My gf came in to town the other day and is moving in to a new place. I literally have done about 9 hours of shopping the past two days. If I hear the word duvet cover one more time I'm going to go crazy!! Anyways, she's out doing her own thing now so I'm finally home alone. Yesterday we shopped all day, I had about 30 minutes at home, then did some more shopping, watched an hour Area 51 special with my dad that was pretty cool, while they went and got some food. Then ate, went to her place to move some furniture around, then came home and clonked out at 9:30.
Woke up this morning hopped right in the shower, then went straight to church. Had a lunch with my grandma and family, then went shopping for some mattresses. I convinced the gf that I need a break, and she agreed that I have done enough the past 3 days to deserve one. My mom even mentioned to her that this is the most I've done since she's been here. About a year!! I definitely would have created a fight and been able to avoid this in my drinking days... but being sober and not having a hangover makes this stuff so easy to do. Now I'm going to work on some of my side projects for couple hours. The amount of energy you have when you finally break that cycle is outrageous... it's only 3 o clock and I felt like I've done a weeks worth of stuff this morning!!
I'm not feeling any withdrawal symptoms. I feel really positive about this week. Think I can get a solid week of no drinking and increase my weight lifting/work out routine tremendously. The muscles are starting to get past that initial destructive phase and can handle more lifting. It was hurting bad there for a while. Can't wait to get in and pump some serious iron this week!!
Day 1: 350mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 350mL
Day 2: 300mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 300mL
Day 3: 275mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 200mL
Day 4: 225mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 225mL
Day 5: 175mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 175mL
Day 6: 125mL FAIL!!! Total: 125mL / 1.25 bottle Chardonnay
Day 7: 50mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 8: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 9: 200mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 10: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 11: 0mL FAIL!!! Total: 4 Drinks (~250-300mL)
Day 12: 0mL FAIL!!! Total: 4 Drinks (~250-300mL)
Day 13: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 14: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 15: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 16: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 17: 0mL FAIL!!! Total: 4 Drinks
Day 18: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 19: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 20: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Current Record: 11-1-8
(No Drinking - Hungover - Moderate)
Oh my gosh!! Please save me! My gf came in to town the other day and is moving in to a new place. I literally have done about 9 hours of shopping the past two days. If I hear the word duvet cover one more time I'm going to go crazy!! Anyways, she's out doing her own thing now so I'm finally home alone. Yesterday we shopped all day, I had about 30 minutes at home, then did some more shopping, watched an hour Area 51 special with my dad that was pretty cool, while they went and got some food. Then ate, went to her place to move some furniture around, then came home and clonked out at 9:30.
Woke up this morning hopped right in the shower, then went straight to church. Had a lunch with my grandma and family, then went shopping for some mattresses. I convinced the gf that I need a break, and she agreed that I have done enough the past 3 days to deserve one. My mom even mentioned to her that this is the most I've done since she's been here. About a year!! I definitely would have created a fight and been able to avoid this in my drinking days... but being sober and not having a hangover makes this stuff so easy to do. Now I'm going to work on some of my side projects for couple hours. The amount of energy you have when you finally break that cycle is outrageous... it's only 3 o clock and I felt like I've done a weeks worth of stuff this morning!!
I'm not feeling any withdrawal symptoms. I feel really positive about this week. Think I can get a solid week of no drinking and increase my weight lifting/work out routine tremendously. The muscles are starting to get past that initial destructive phase and can handle more lifting. It was hurting bad there for a while. Can't wait to get in and pump some serious iron this week!!
Day 1: 350mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 350mL
Day 2: 300mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 300mL
Day 3: 275mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 200mL
Day 4: 225mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 225mL
Day 5: 175mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 175mL
Day 6: 125mL FAIL!!! Total: 125mL / 1.25 bottle Chardonnay
Day 7: 50mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 8: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 9: 200mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 10: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 11: 0mL FAIL!!! Total: 4 Drinks (~250-300mL)
Day 12: 0mL FAIL!!! Total: 4 Drinks (~250-300mL)
Day 13: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 14: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 15: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 16: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 17: 0mL FAIL!!! Total: 4 Drinks
Day 18: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 19: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Day 20: 0mL SUCCESS!!! Total: 0mL
Current Record: 11-1-8
(No Drinking - Hungover - Moderate)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Originally Posted by LosingmyMisery
Now, I'm confused. You accepted a challenge to not drink, but would have if you hadn't been driving? So what you are saying is you won't drink unless you change your mind to drink, unless the opportunity reveals itself?
I see where this is heading. You have it played out in your head as having things under control. You feel good, you're productive and that is great. I also know you will continue to believe you have it under control until it goes terribly wrong. I don't want you to fail and want you to succeed, but from my experience, I drank hard for 25 years, things will take a turn for the worst. What have you done to rewire, to change your mind set or habits? You have managed a few days of abstinence and a few days of controlled drinking. Can you go on like this for the rest of your life? I don't know, but I know I couldn't do it. I tried. I had to learn new behaviors and skills. You seem to be white knuckling through until you give in. Trust me, the dam is going to break. You will need to learn some skills on how not to drink and give into cravings. Unless you do this, I believe, nothing will change. That has been my experience and many others as well. I gotta be honest, I'm worried about you.
I see where this is heading. You have it played out in your head as having things under control. You feel good, you're productive and that is great. I also know you will continue to believe you have it under control until it goes terribly wrong. I don't want you to fail and want you to succeed, but from my experience, I drank hard for 25 years, things will take a turn for the worst. What have you done to rewire, to change your mind set or habits? You have managed a few days of abstinence and a few days of controlled drinking. Can you go on like this for the rest of your life? I don't know, but I know I couldn't do it. I tried. I had to learn new behaviors and skills. You seem to be white knuckling through until you give in. Trust me, the dam is going to break. You will need to learn some skills on how not to drink and give into cravings. Unless you do this, I believe, nothing will change. That has been my experience and many others as well. I gotta be honest, I'm worried about you.
So I thank you for your honesty!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Day 21 Night
This is how quick the tide turns... been only 3 hours since I last posted and events happened to get me to a point of failure so quickly. I couldn't even last 4 days in my journey for 30 days with out drinking. My gf and I got in a fight tonight, and it boiled to the point where she broke up with me. I got so frustrated I went to the store, got a bottle of chardonnay and a half pint of vodka. I'll go in to more details of what happened tomorrow. I have this weird feeling right now though. It's not really of dejection, it's more anger. I feel this urge to get my life back on track tomorrow to make my gf jealous of what she lost. But I know these are irrational thoughts!! These are the kind of thoughts that keep me in this cycle. I know how long and hard it is going to be to get my life back on track, I know I'll never actually be able to make my gf jealous or actually stay away from her. The alcohol gives me this false hope, I kind of feel invincible now and I can picture myself as someone I'm not. This conversation I'm having right now is completely new, before this process I never had these thoughts. I actually believed what the alcohol was letting me believe.
I haven't drank myself in to a stupor yet, so I know the hangover won't be devastating tomorrow, but none the least I will wake up in reality. I will understand that what I'm feeling right now is not based on anything real. It's amazing going in to this thought! Right now as I type I'm in that feeling that I crave before I drink. The anger about my relationship has escaped and I actually feel like I'm too good for her right now! I feel like I'm something special right now! WOW!! This is really going down right now. But after what we've learned, I'm not. This is all a trick! This feeling I'm having right now is all in my head! That's probably why I lived my entire life for the past year and a half in a drunken mess!
I know at this point if I drink any more it will get me to the point where this feeling becomes depression, that depression will cause me to become sad and angry with myself. Then I will wake up feeling the affects of alcohol and want more alcohol to get rid of the depression. So this whole thing is nothing more than me getting to this point. All the suffering I put myself through is so I get here where I'm all by myself and living in a magical dreamland. I felt anger and my first response was alcohol. Why is that? I was feeling discouraged that my girlfriend doesn't really love me and I'm in a relationship where I have no control. So I went to alcohol to give me the sense of control??? I'm lost here... is this an excuse to drink alcohol or is this a reason I drink alcohol?
Because there was nothing in me that wanted to drink tonight. I was just laying down resting watching How It's Made with my dad and my gf came over out of the blue. Some stuff came up, we got in a big fight, and I immediately went to the liquor store. The whole time my anger took over and I couldn't care less about the challenge or about this site or about anything. I was going to drink regardless of what anyone in this world said. Then after the bottle of wine I started thinking about the Vodka. I came upstairs and I dumped about 3/4ths of the bottle out. I know that if I had drank the entire bottle it would have given me a bad hangover. I know the amount I've drank now will give me a mild one that I can function with.
This doesn't make any sense. Right now I know what I'm doing, I know that I'm either using this fight as an excuse to drink or drinking to cover up some other problems within myself. Right now I feel so calm. I hate not knowing. I know everyone will tell me that this is why I'll lose the battle and this is why alcohol controls you, etc, etc. But I truly cannot stop this with out understanding how I can not control this. I mean this is very interesting... it's like a crazy algorithm that you have to break down in to pieces to figure out.
Well, I know this is like the walk of shame, but it happened. I will wake up in the morning and describe in more details what exactly happened. I know even in this state I'm not going to stop this tomorrow. There is no way I'm giving up this fight. I lost another one tonight. I don't have any excuses, I got mad, went to the liquor store knowing full well what I was doing and I did it. There is no one else to blame but myself.
This is how quick the tide turns... been only 3 hours since I last posted and events happened to get me to a point of failure so quickly. I couldn't even last 4 days in my journey for 30 days with out drinking. My gf and I got in a fight tonight, and it boiled to the point where she broke up with me. I got so frustrated I went to the store, got a bottle of chardonnay and a half pint of vodka. I'll go in to more details of what happened tomorrow. I have this weird feeling right now though. It's not really of dejection, it's more anger. I feel this urge to get my life back on track tomorrow to make my gf jealous of what she lost. But I know these are irrational thoughts!! These are the kind of thoughts that keep me in this cycle. I know how long and hard it is going to be to get my life back on track, I know I'll never actually be able to make my gf jealous or actually stay away from her. The alcohol gives me this false hope, I kind of feel invincible now and I can picture myself as someone I'm not. This conversation I'm having right now is completely new, before this process I never had these thoughts. I actually believed what the alcohol was letting me believe.
I haven't drank myself in to a stupor yet, so I know the hangover won't be devastating tomorrow, but none the least I will wake up in reality. I will understand that what I'm feeling right now is not based on anything real. It's amazing going in to this thought! Right now as I type I'm in that feeling that I crave before I drink. The anger about my relationship has escaped and I actually feel like I'm too good for her right now! I feel like I'm something special right now! WOW!! This is really going down right now. But after what we've learned, I'm not. This is all a trick! This feeling I'm having right now is all in my head! That's probably why I lived my entire life for the past year and a half in a drunken mess!
I know at this point if I drink any more it will get me to the point where this feeling becomes depression, that depression will cause me to become sad and angry with myself. Then I will wake up feeling the affects of alcohol and want more alcohol to get rid of the depression. So this whole thing is nothing more than me getting to this point. All the suffering I put myself through is so I get here where I'm all by myself and living in a magical dreamland. I felt anger and my first response was alcohol. Why is that? I was feeling discouraged that my girlfriend doesn't really love me and I'm in a relationship where I have no control. So I went to alcohol to give me the sense of control??? I'm lost here... is this an excuse to drink alcohol or is this a reason I drink alcohol?
Because there was nothing in me that wanted to drink tonight. I was just laying down resting watching How It's Made with my dad and my gf came over out of the blue. Some stuff came up, we got in a big fight, and I immediately went to the liquor store. The whole time my anger took over and I couldn't care less about the challenge or about this site or about anything. I was going to drink regardless of what anyone in this world said. Then after the bottle of wine I started thinking about the Vodka. I came upstairs and I dumped about 3/4ths of the bottle out. I know that if I had drank the entire bottle it would have given me a bad hangover. I know the amount I've drank now will give me a mild one that I can function with.
This doesn't make any sense. Right now I know what I'm doing, I know that I'm either using this fight as an excuse to drink or drinking to cover up some other problems within myself. Right now I feel so calm. I hate not knowing. I know everyone will tell me that this is why I'll lose the battle and this is why alcohol controls you, etc, etc. But I truly cannot stop this with out understanding how I can not control this. I mean this is very interesting... it's like a crazy algorithm that you have to break down in to pieces to figure out.
Well, I know this is like the walk of shame, but it happened. I will wake up in the morning and describe in more details what exactly happened. I know even in this state I'm not going to stop this tomorrow. There is no way I'm giving up this fight. I lost another one tonight. I don't have any excuses, I got mad, went to the liquor store knowing full well what I was doing and I did it. There is no one else to blame but myself.
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