Self-Will and Major Changes in 1 Year
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Self-Will and Major Changes in 1 Year
Hi All,
My story in brief:
I am an alcoholic. I came into recovery in early October 2011 and put together 6 months of sponsored sobriety in AA beginning Nov. 4th before relapsing for 2 of 4 days ending on May 27, 2012. I am also a 5th year graduate student and I plan to and am scheduled to finish my doctorate this fall. In mid-May 2012, I also chose to terminate my engagement to my fiance, whom I had been in a relationship with since the Winter of 2007. She and I now live separately, but have come around and would like to see our relationship work long-term.
In the 6 months of my sobriety, she had acted and behaved bitterly, angrily, and insanely to a level that parelled my behavior in the 12 or so months prior to the start of my recovery. Trust me when I say that the relationship was utter chaos and turmoil during my 6 months of sobriety. She fully admits to being the one that "brought the crazy" during these 6 months, but she is now sponsored in Al-Anon, works the steps, and attends regular meetings. Prior to all of this, we had a wonderful relationship and it was that which inspired me to ask her for the unmatched privilege of being her husband. I hoped from the moment I met her that I would one day marry her. We see a couples therapist still, live independently, and go out on 1X weekly dates to reconnect. I have a lease that runs through August 15, and we hope to revisit the idea of moving back to our house together at that point, albeit as an unengaged couple.
During my 6 months of sobriety, I completed steps 1-5, but failed to enrich myself in the fellowship of AA and spiritually. I now strive to enrich both daily in the hopes of maintaining long-term sobriety.
Here are my dilemmas:
1) My sponsor (and the Big Book) advice that I make no significant changes in my life in the 1st year of sobriety. In retrospect, that means that I should not have ended my engagement. However, it seams that that was the catalyst both my then fiance and I needed to embark on thorough recovery. Now though, deciding to move back in would evidently signify yet another major change in the 1st year. If she and I are doing well in respective recoveries (and for the purposes of this post, lets assume that), we want to move back in. As graduate students, living apart is financially challenging and not sustainable long-term. She is also finishing a Ph. D. in the fall and must move to wherever her job takes her (but definitely out of our current city). Thus I'm in a situation where I need to seize the opportunity to resume this relationship, or come to terms with its end. She's a wonderful woman and the love of my life, and I do not want give this up, especially considering how much progress she has made and how positive our interactions have been lately. So, do I go against my sponsor and continue this relationship if that seams worthwhile at the time?
2) When I complete my doctorate, I will also have to find a new position (a post-doc position). It is possible for me to find a position at my current institution. However, that would be a terrible choice for my career, is frowned upon in my field, and would likely mean I either continue working with my current advisor or that I take a lesser position elsewhere. The track record under my advisor is that those who stay on to post-doc with her following grad school get trapped there for years. Thus, the next logical career choice is involves moving and my resume should allow me to hand pick any post-doc position I want. Thus, my now ex-fiance and I have the opportunity to move together. The bottom line is that my sponsor advices that I stay in my current city for the duration of year 1. That would effectively dry up all of the best opportunities elsewhere by the end of that time. What do I do?
I am trying to live life within these 24 hours, but my situation imposes that these considerations do in fact warrant more than 24 hours of consideration. Furthermore, when the 11th hour comes and it's time to decide on the course of action, it would be highly imprudent of me to base my choices on 24 hours of consideration.
It seams that to follow my sponsors advice means that I act toward sabotaging my career and my relationship and marriage potential with a wonderful woman whom I've known I'd wanted to marry since the day I met her.
My story in brief:
I am an alcoholic. I came into recovery in early October 2011 and put together 6 months of sponsored sobriety in AA beginning Nov. 4th before relapsing for 2 of 4 days ending on May 27, 2012. I am also a 5th year graduate student and I plan to and am scheduled to finish my doctorate this fall. In mid-May 2012, I also chose to terminate my engagement to my fiance, whom I had been in a relationship with since the Winter of 2007. She and I now live separately, but have come around and would like to see our relationship work long-term.
In the 6 months of my sobriety, she had acted and behaved bitterly, angrily, and insanely to a level that parelled my behavior in the 12 or so months prior to the start of my recovery. Trust me when I say that the relationship was utter chaos and turmoil during my 6 months of sobriety. She fully admits to being the one that "brought the crazy" during these 6 months, but she is now sponsored in Al-Anon, works the steps, and attends regular meetings. Prior to all of this, we had a wonderful relationship and it was that which inspired me to ask her for the unmatched privilege of being her husband. I hoped from the moment I met her that I would one day marry her. We see a couples therapist still, live independently, and go out on 1X weekly dates to reconnect. I have a lease that runs through August 15, and we hope to revisit the idea of moving back to our house together at that point, albeit as an unengaged couple.
During my 6 months of sobriety, I completed steps 1-5, but failed to enrich myself in the fellowship of AA and spiritually. I now strive to enrich both daily in the hopes of maintaining long-term sobriety.
Here are my dilemmas:
1) My sponsor (and the Big Book) advice that I make no significant changes in my life in the 1st year of sobriety. In retrospect, that means that I should not have ended my engagement. However, it seams that that was the catalyst both my then fiance and I needed to embark on thorough recovery. Now though, deciding to move back in would evidently signify yet another major change in the 1st year. If she and I are doing well in respective recoveries (and for the purposes of this post, lets assume that), we want to move back in. As graduate students, living apart is financially challenging and not sustainable long-term. She is also finishing a Ph. D. in the fall and must move to wherever her job takes her (but definitely out of our current city). Thus I'm in a situation where I need to seize the opportunity to resume this relationship, or come to terms with its end. She's a wonderful woman and the love of my life, and I do not want give this up, especially considering how much progress she has made and how positive our interactions have been lately. So, do I go against my sponsor and continue this relationship if that seams worthwhile at the time?
2) When I complete my doctorate, I will also have to find a new position (a post-doc position). It is possible for me to find a position at my current institution. However, that would be a terrible choice for my career, is frowned upon in my field, and would likely mean I either continue working with my current advisor or that I take a lesser position elsewhere. The track record under my advisor is that those who stay on to post-doc with her following grad school get trapped there for years. Thus, the next logical career choice is involves moving and my resume should allow me to hand pick any post-doc position I want. Thus, my now ex-fiance and I have the opportunity to move together. The bottom line is that my sponsor advices that I stay in my current city for the duration of year 1. That would effectively dry up all of the best opportunities elsewhere by the end of that time. What do I do?
I am trying to live life within these 24 hours, but my situation imposes that these considerations do in fact warrant more than 24 hours of consideration. Furthermore, when the 11th hour comes and it's time to decide on the course of action, it would be highly imprudent of me to base my choices on 24 hours of consideration.
It seams that to follow my sponsors advice means that I act toward sabotaging my career and my relationship and marriage potential with a wonderful woman whom I've known I'd wanted to marry since the day I met her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters 
Do what you want, then.
Your sponsor gave you good advice and you're not going to take it or work with him so do what you want.
It seems like your alcoholism is damaging your relationship !!
Bob R
Your sponsor gave you good advice and you're not going to take it or work with him so do what you want.
It seems like your alcoholism is damaging your relationship !!
Bob R
I'm trying to understand why it's good advice or why I'm being advised at all to make what my advisor has described (I discussed it with he) as a terrible career decision. I'm trying to understand why I should throw away a relationship with woman of my dreams. Why should I consider taking the advice of my sponsor over the advice of my advisor, colleagues, friends, family, and therapist? That is a legitimate as opposed to indignant question. Sure, I was the one who chose to end the relationship, but really, that has so far been a catalyst for personal growth on her end, and my own understanding of relationship dynamics in recovery.
Thanks for your replies.
I am trying to always make sure that I put my recovery 1st, but as I see it, any recommendation is based on the past successes of others. That advice points towards a course of action that most favors sobriety and recovery. However, does that not just increase the odds of maintaining daily sobriety? Is it not just a matter of percentages?
Then it's also a matter of percentages in other areas of life, to include my career and relationships. I put recovery 1st, but does that require that I pass up opportunities and trash the rest of my life? I didn't do that while I was in active addiction, so why would I do that now?
Why is it not advised that I make changes to my life in year 1? To me, that sounds like the equivalent to putting my head in the sand while life and its opportunities pass me by.
It's true that if I want to exercise self will, I can always do that. My sponsors suggestions are merely that - suggestions.
My morning meditation includes a request that my higher power provides me with what I need, guidance to move through my day, willingness to do what's right, and to align my will with his. However, all the prayer in the world is not going to bring someone knocking on my door (a year or later from now) offering me a position that I can grab in the next 4-8 months. In my field that window is fleeting.
The window on my chance to resume what has been a largely terrific relationship is also not open indefinitely.
To use an analogy, I just don't think any amount of prayer is going to hale cab for me on the streets of manhattan. If I want to a cab, I've got to raise my hand.
It's true that I can't do X, Y, and Z if I'm drunk, but why shouldn't I do X, Y, and Z if, within the 1st year, I'm doing all the right things? i.e. daily meetings, prayer, physical activity, readings from the big book, fellowship, and reaching out to other alcoholics?
It's not as if the cumulative 1 pint of alcohol I drank over a 4 day span hits the reset button on my 6 months of sobriety and recovery. Does it? Or does not learning from that experience and correcting the past deficiencies and faults strengthen my recovery going forward?
Any and all advice is appreciated!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
"I'm doing all the right things? i.e. daily meetings, prayer, physical activity, readings from the big book, fellowship, and reaching out to other alcoholics?"
Where's the rest of the step work? That is where change takes place. You may already be doing this, so pardon my ignorance (get through all 12 steps, continue with 10-12, prayer (talking to our higher power) and meditation (listening to our higher power) daily. Where in your meditation do you ask to be useful to others? This is how our will can be aligned with our higher power's.
Has your sponsor had the same decisions to make in early recovery? I prefer experience and consequences shared rather than advice on something another person hasn't lived through. What did your sponsor do when they were obtaining their higher education? Just my thoughts on this as my sponsor shares their real life experience and any consequences of their choices. My sponsor holds multiple degrees.
My sponsor's role is to guide me through the steps. Then I can work them in all of my affairs.
Too many changes in early sobriety keeps us from our goal of focusing on our recovery and of establishing a conscious contact with our higher power.
What I've read is that you want to have your fiance move back in, but when she must leave for her position, which I believe I read to be out of state, what are you going to do then? (just something that had stuck out when I read your original post).
You've made it through steps 1-5, what happened to 6 (one hour of reflection) and step 7 (a prayer) and then 8-9, where freedom exists. Half measures avail us nothing.
Intellectualizing and over analyzing didn't help to keep me sober. Some of us are too smart to really "get it" and get it well. I'm reading that you are still playing your own higher power. Yes, you have a lot going on right now. If your relationship is meant to be, it will. Are the decisions regarding this relationship truly in the best interest of both of you? Do you feel she must move in with you or the relationship is doomed? What are your real motives for having her move back in with you? What are the fears associated with her not moving in and with her moving in? (Rhetorical Questions, I don't need any answer to these, but some things to really consider).
This is between you and your sponsor. How honest have you been with your sponsor regarding your behavior, fears, motives, etc? If you have been totally honest, then maybe your sponsor knows you better than you think. If you have been mostly honest, then maybe this is your sponsor's concern.
You've written a lot, but there is often more that is NOT said than what is said. maybe you and your sponsor need a meeting to fully discuss your situation more fully. There seems to be a lack of communication between sponsor and you....start there.
This is all said with concern...think this through again, talk more fully with your sponsor, complete those simple steps and stop avoiding recovery with all of these other decisions. Recovery needs to come first, start there. Work those steps, you can work them again in your future. Everything else will fall into place, your answers to those concerns will come to you. We didn't get to recovery in one night, we aren't going to get well in a short time, either.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh and you really consider these things. No reply needed, just another alcoholic's concerns for your well being in recovery.
I wish you well,
Where's the rest of the step work? That is where change takes place. You may already be doing this, so pardon my ignorance (get through all 12 steps, continue with 10-12, prayer (talking to our higher power) and meditation (listening to our higher power) daily. Where in your meditation do you ask to be useful to others? This is how our will can be aligned with our higher power's.
Has your sponsor had the same decisions to make in early recovery? I prefer experience and consequences shared rather than advice on something another person hasn't lived through. What did your sponsor do when they were obtaining their higher education? Just my thoughts on this as my sponsor shares their real life experience and any consequences of their choices. My sponsor holds multiple degrees.
My sponsor's role is to guide me through the steps. Then I can work them in all of my affairs.
Too many changes in early sobriety keeps us from our goal of focusing on our recovery and of establishing a conscious contact with our higher power.
What I've read is that you want to have your fiance move back in, but when she must leave for her position, which I believe I read to be out of state, what are you going to do then? (just something that had stuck out when I read your original post).
You've made it through steps 1-5, what happened to 6 (one hour of reflection) and step 7 (a prayer) and then 8-9, where freedom exists. Half measures avail us nothing.
Intellectualizing and over analyzing didn't help to keep me sober. Some of us are too smart to really "get it" and get it well. I'm reading that you are still playing your own higher power. Yes, you have a lot going on right now. If your relationship is meant to be, it will. Are the decisions regarding this relationship truly in the best interest of both of you? Do you feel she must move in with you or the relationship is doomed? What are your real motives for having her move back in with you? What are the fears associated with her not moving in and with her moving in? (Rhetorical Questions, I don't need any answer to these, but some things to really consider).
This is between you and your sponsor. How honest have you been with your sponsor regarding your behavior, fears, motives, etc? If you have been totally honest, then maybe your sponsor knows you better than you think. If you have been mostly honest, then maybe this is your sponsor's concern.
You've written a lot, but there is often more that is NOT said than what is said. maybe you and your sponsor need a meeting to fully discuss your situation more fully. There seems to be a lack of communication between sponsor and you....start there.
This is all said with concern...think this through again, talk more fully with your sponsor, complete those simple steps and stop avoiding recovery with all of these other decisions. Recovery needs to come first, start there. Work those steps, you can work them again in your future. Everything else will fall into place, your answers to those concerns will come to you. We didn't get to recovery in one night, we aren't going to get well in a short time, either.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh and you really consider these things. No reply needed, just another alcoholic's concerns for your well being in recovery.
I wish you well,
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
About that cab.... I had a delayed subway train ride yesterday, you tell me why my 30 minute wait for my bus home at my last stop only took 4 minutes? One bus was running late on that particular run.... If my higher power wasn't at play, I don't know what was!
As for someone knocking at your door in your future regarding a fabulous position, well, I've witnessed crazier things happen to people in recovery. Don't underestimate the power of your higher power.....
Tell me why at rush hour, when I suddenly needed to cross a street, there was absolutely no traffic at that moment? Coincidence??
The big book does not specify not to make changes in the first year of sobriety; it's from rehabs.
How do your actions benefit your "fiance" at this time or are they more self-serving than need be?
more to consider....
As for someone knocking at your door in your future regarding a fabulous position, well, I've witnessed crazier things happen to people in recovery. Don't underestimate the power of your higher power.....
Tell me why at rush hour, when I suddenly needed to cross a street, there was absolutely no traffic at that moment? Coincidence??
The big book does not specify not to make changes in the first year of sobriety; it's from rehabs.
How do your actions benefit your "fiance" at this time or are they more self-serving than need be?
more to consider....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
"I'm doing all the right things? i.e. daily meetings, prayer, physical activity, readings from the big book, fellowship, and reaching out to other alcoholics?"
Where's the rest of the step work? Where in your meditation do you ask to be useful to others? This is how our will can be aligned with our higher power's.
Has your sponsor had the same decisions to make in early recovery? I prefer experience and consequences shared rather than advice on something another person hasn't lived through. What did your sponsor do when they were obtaining their higher education?
Where's the rest of the step work? Where in your meditation do you ask to be useful to others? This is how our will can be aligned with our higher power's.
Has your sponsor had the same decisions to make in early recovery? I prefer experience and consequences shared rather than advice on something another person hasn't lived through. What did your sponsor do when they were obtaining their higher education?
My sponsor did not have similar decisions to make. He was at one time a graduate student like me, but he was kicked out of his program and he collected unemployment for the 1st year or two of sobriety. He now works in case manager is a substance abuse outreach center.
He had been in a long-term relationship but it ended permanently before he sought treatment. Part of my issue is that he makes terrible judgement on relationships currently. He becomes infatuated with someone, dates them for a month, falls in love, and a week later its done. Since he's been my sponsor he'd dated 1) a drug dealer and addict whom he fell in love and moved in with 3 weeks after date #1 and 2) a woman who may or may not be legitimately psychotic, and that relationship began on day 1 following her discharge from a self-administered 1 year term of treatment...
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
[I]
What I've read is that you want to have your fiance move back in, but when she must leave for her position, which I believe I read to be out of state, what are you going to do then? (just something that had stuck out when I read your original post).
What I've read is that you want to have your fiance move back in, but when she must leave for her position, which I believe I read to be out of state, what are you going to do then? (just something that had stuck out when I read your original post).
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
[I]
You've made it through steps 1-5, what happened to 6 (one hour of reflection) and step 7 (a prayer) and then 8-9, where freedom exists. Half measures avail us nothing.
You've made it through steps 1-5, what happened to 6 (one hour of reflection) and step 7 (a prayer) and then 8-9, where freedom exists. Half measures avail us nothing.
This is between you and your sponsor. How honest have you been with your sponsor regarding your behavior, fears, motives, etc? If you have been totally honest, then maybe your sponsor knows you better than you think. If you have been mostly honest, then maybe this is your sponsor's concern.
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
[I]You've written a lot, but there is often more that is NOT said than what is said. maybe you and your sponsor need a meeting to fully discuss your situation more fully. There seems to be a lack of communication between sponsor and you....start there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
It was pointed out to me by a therapist that alcoholics tend to live life in the extremes. Black or White. Life is on a continuum, a spectrum of choice - try to not look at life as "either/or" but instead move toward the center of of the spectrum.
Consider:How can you stay responsibly connected to people important to you while first caring for yourself in a responsible way?
Are the choices I am making a good fit for my recovery?
Are the people in my life and my life goals moving me toward stability or chaos?
Sometimes accepting not having an answer is the best solution.
May I recommend a book? It is by David Richo - How to be an adult in relationships.
Good luck to you!
Consider:How can you stay responsibly connected to people important to you while first caring for yourself in a responsible way?
Are the choices I am making a good fit for my recovery?
Are the people in my life and my life goals moving me toward stability or chaos?
Sometimes accepting not having an answer is the best solution.
May I recommend a book? It is by David Richo - How to be an adult in relationships.
Good luck to you!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I think you need to follow your own heart because you are the person who knows what's best for you.
I made a major geographic move in the first weeks of my recovery, to an area where English was a second language. It was the best thing I could have done.
I made a major geographic move in the first weeks of my recovery, to an area where English was a second language. It was the best thing I could have done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Anna
I think you need to follow your own heart because you are the person who knows what's best for you.
I made a major geographic move in the first weeks of my recovery, to an area where English was a second language. It was the best thing I could have done.
I made a major geographic move in the first weeks of my recovery, to an area where English was a second language. It was the best thing I could have done.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: stockton on tees-cleveland england
Posts: 3
i can understand y they say no major comitments for 12 mth but you may never get the chance again so pray on it,i just got into a relationship then 2 weeks later got into recovery id never considerd been sober b4 that,meeting my partner has been a life changing moment people in the rooms said get rid but i never and im 15mth in now loving my recovery,working in the services as a 12 facililatater if i never comtited i would be unemployed still,just be safe and wise you no when things are right..
Been there, done that!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
Hi mylog,
You seem an intelligent person and intellectualising this stuff will drive you crazy.
Aa is the big book nowhere does it say you must listen to your sponsor’s life advise about matters that have absolutely nothing to do with him/her. A sponsor’s job is to take you through the steps and as a result of this you have a spiritual awakening!!!
A sponsor’s job is NOT to tell you what to do in your personal life, professional life or on any part of your life. Sure they may make suggestions like many people do in one’s life, but I do not think taking advice from an ex drunk regarding my business dealings or relationships is helpful in the slightest. Some people get way too carried away with this sponsorship stuff and get power happy and like to play god..
Dr Dob was out sponsoring people the same day! If he and bill w waited 1 year before making any life changes where would we all be today?? I think setting up AA is a big life change imo.
Do what feels right in your gut, trust yourself.
Take care.
You seem an intelligent person and intellectualising this stuff will drive you crazy.
Aa is the big book nowhere does it say you must listen to your sponsor’s life advise about matters that have absolutely nothing to do with him/her. A sponsor’s job is to take you through the steps and as a result of this you have a spiritual awakening!!!
A sponsor’s job is NOT to tell you what to do in your personal life, professional life or on any part of your life. Sure they may make suggestions like many people do in one’s life, but I do not think taking advice from an ex drunk regarding my business dealings or relationships is helpful in the slightest. Some people get way too carried away with this sponsorship stuff and get power happy and like to play god..
Dr Dob was out sponsoring people the same day! If he and bill w waited 1 year before making any life changes where would we all be today?? I think setting up AA is a big life change imo.
Do what feels right in your gut, trust yourself.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Denver CO
Posts: 3
Although things may be going great with her now, who's to say it won't go back to the way things were when you broke off the engagement? Just because someone is attending alanon doesn't mean they are changed forever. I've learned from AA that relapse is almost the norm for those under a year of clean time. Perhaps the same holds true for Alanon?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Take it from a fellow academic, don't let this de-rail your professional career. I know how important it is to make the right choices early in your academic life and a wrong move can have lasting consequences. Weigh your decision carefully, do not compromise your sobriety in any way though.
Basically, a recovering alcoholic who is stuck at their doc institution because a program of suggestion said it was right is a receipe for unhappiness and perhaps resentment of the program you so richly enjoy.
Just my 2 cents. Go with your gut and let your HP be your guide.
Basically, a recovering alcoholic who is stuck at their doc institution because a program of suggestion said it was right is a receipe for unhappiness and perhaps resentment of the program you so richly enjoy.
Just my 2 cents. Go with your gut and let your HP be your guide.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
A successful doctoral candidate demonstrates sound original thought, so get at it. Self will is the only kind there is; of course you want what is best for yourself, and only you can define what best means. I don't think you want your alcohol addiction addressed, I think you need someone to tell you to believe in yourself. Believe in yourself.
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