pauladmits

It's so refreshing yet depressing at the same time to utter those words. I have been saying I was in control for the past 6 years. I'm 28, and I admit I am a full on alcoholic who has no control and in need of desperate help. I started drinking heavily senior year of college in the fraternity after football ended. Since then I have been a binge drinker. I am a functional alcoholic in the sense that I can maintain a job, have a girlfriend, and friends. None of whom know the deep dark secret of my nightly life. They all know I like to party and can party hard on occasions but they have no clue behind my smile and acceptance of that lifestyle there is a man losing everything.

Since I work at home now instead of an office, for the last year I have been drinking during the day just to get the buzz. Then having dinner with my girlfriend, hanging out with my family, etc. They have no clue that I just drank a quarter of a fifth. My girlfriend has no clue I'm an alcoholic to the extent I am. She complains about me drinking too much if we go to parties or have barbeques at the house, but she has no clue that every night I say good night to her I am wasted. I hide it very well and always have been able too. I can be almost blacked out drunk and she can not tell on the phone that I am wasted out of my mind.

The past year has been exceptionally bad. I drink every day. I can't have any more alcohol in the house than I can consume, because I know I will drink it. If I buy a fifth of vodka, I will end up drinking almost the entire bottle throughout the day until I pass out. So I rotate through 5 different liquor stores during the week to buy enough alcohol for the day. Some days I'm fine with a good buzz, some days I need more and I consume way too much. My parents moved in about a year ago so they live with me and have absolutely no clue other than the fact that my dad and I like to drink beer and wine and watch sports. They have no clue every time I go to the store I have a half a fifth hidden in the bag I bring upstairs, or a half pint in my pocket with couple shooters.

I have been telling myself almost every day that I am in complete control and that the alcohol helps me concentrate for my job and that I choose to drink because I can and I can simply stop tomorrow. Every excuse in the book to convince myself that I was in control. But then this past week something happened that triggered in me that I am not in control. I have absolutely no control. I am completely dependent on alcohol and have no control over it.

Last Saturday I drank about half a fifth of vodka and 12 beers throughout the day. The next day I had to drive my parents to drop off a canoe and then take some other family members to the airport. While I was driving I started feeling something really weird going on in my chest. My heart was skipping beats and it felt like I was going to have a heartattack. I literally felt like I was going to die. So I told my parents I needed to go to the ER immediately. We rushed to the ER running couple red lights, my blood pressure was over 200 and my heart rate was over 160. The doctor asked what drugs I was taking. My family and I said that I do not take any drugs. The conclusion was drinking the day before, drinking coffee and red bull, with out water was over stimulating my heart. But I lied to everyone about how much I drank. I told them I drank the 6 beers with my dad playing Wii Golf. They had no clue what I was doing during the day or the vodka I was drinking every time I went upstairs. The Nurse called this Holiday Heart to me, but the doc did not mention that.

And even after this the next day I told myself that to avoid withdrawals I needed to drink a little for a while and slowly stop. Of course that didn't work. Last night I drank a bottle of wine, 3 shooters of Jim Beam, and 4 beers. I had to go to lunch with my girlfriend so I woke up early and drank about 10 glasses of water. During lunch I started feeling the same heart problems. My girlfriend is a nurse who has no clue I went to the hospital last week and told me I needed sodium and electrolytes. So at the restaurant I started pouring some salt in my hand and just eating salt plain, I then went to the grocery store to get packets of electrolytes. Sure enough, the heart palpitations went away and my balance came back.

I didn't tell her how much I drank yesterday, I just told her how much water I had drank. And there is a symptom in which drinking too much water can cause bad harm to your electrical system. So she is under the impression that it was solely because I drank too much water. Then after that I went to the grocery store to get a 6 pack to watch Tiger Woods with my dad. Drank 4 of those, went back to the store to get some "Gatorade" and bought another bottle of wine and 3 shooters.

I literally can not stop. I have come to the complete realization that I am not in control. I come up with every excuse in the book. My heart is failing me, my memory is failing me, I won't even accept a job that requires me to go in to the office because of this, it's getting harder to hide it from my girlfriend and family, I have lost many friends over it, I'm losing everything.

I am completely an alcoholic and this is the first time I have ever admitted it.

Sorry for the rant, but I feel like I have no where else to go and no one to talk to about this.

DoinThis

Good on u for sharing and realising your problem. I just wanted to say welcome, u have made the first step and this is a great place to do it. I felt completely out of control when I came here too, you'll get great support and advice from some great peeps here. All the best. Your not alone and we ALL understand.

Dee74

welcome to SR Paul

I remember those heart palpatations, the panic, and the lies I told.
The good news is there is another way to do things.

The key to stopping for me was support - lots of support. Whether you use a programme like AA, or SMART, or Rational Recovery, or whether you see your own Dr or a counsellor...or whether you try the support here, I think you need to do something...pretty much right now.

It doesn't get better on the road you're on Paul - in fact it gets a lot worse.

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

pinkdog

It's hard when you first admit it to yourself. You can get some help on an out-patient basis. That heart thing sounds pretty scary. Truth works best. Hugs to you friend.

llastchance8

Dear Paul, you have done right thing by accepting that you have a problem. All of us are at different stages. Alcoholic , Problem Drinker, Binge Drinker or just an addict like I was . I just needed half of Whiskey every night, that too after 8.30 pm . I lived a very regular life for years even while drinking. My drinking did not go up , nor went down for many years. I did not create any problem . I did not hurt anyone. However, it affected my career,my business, my goals and my dreams., I became a very complacent man. I would not go for very exciting jobs, as it would require me to travel to places, where Alcohol is banned. because I needed the half bottle of whiskey every night.

We pray for you to get strength to fight this evil. My signature below is always a very profound reminder for me. Best of Luck.

pauladmits

Thanks so much for the support so fast. It's such a great feeling getting it off my chest and knowing that other people have experienced what I'm going through right now. It's just a harsh realization to come to grips with. I don't know where to go from here. I want to start a new life but I'm already trying to convince myself to start Monday so I can drink for the NBA Finals tomorrow. And I know I'm going to have a hangover tomorrow morning and the only thing that cures that on a Sunday is some morning afternoon shots.

I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I typed this.

@llastchance... you are describing my situation perfectly. I'm not an out of control drunk, I don't cause problems. I simply just need it for myself and drink alone accept the beer and wine that my dad drinks. He can simply drink 3 beers in a night and go to bed. I'm 100% complacent and make sure that everyone in my family, my girlfriend, and friends know that I do not do anything spontaneously. I need to be warned in advance if there is something I have to go to. I always blamed it on work and my schedule, but in reality it's to plan when I can drink my Vodka.

This statement hits pretty hard. And it's the kind of tough honesty I need.

Arghhhhhh, will I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope tomorrow that I come back and fully engage a full on recovery. I need to change and I need to change now.

Thanks again for your support. It is truly amazing and inspirational. I hope one day I'll be able to do the same for someone else.

instant

Welcome. It's good to get stuff out there and share it.

MrsKing

Welcome to Sober Recovery! You will find that you can get incredible support here if you need it. It takes a lot of courage to admit that there's a problem and even more so to decide that you want to change, so well done, and congratulations on taking that first step. Changing is very difficult and you will have some hard times ahead but just know that eventually it is worth it ten times over and that it all gets so much easier with time. You are not alone - far from it - so remember that, there are always people who to answer your questions and discuss issues with. I have been here hardly any time at all and realise that having people to talk to with a common goal is immensely beneficial. Good luck and keep us updated.

LoftyIdeals

Welcome, Paul. Man, can I relate to your story. It's scary how alcoholism can run so rampant so unexpectedly. And your story sounds so similar that your drinking patterns increased during big changes in life; i.e., pending commencement, etc.

Take the advice you've received above and change your life for the better. You are at a great age to be able to make your life everything you ever wanted it to be...sober.

Peace. Keep posting!

CaiHong

Hi Paul,
Wow I really hope you can stop. I think we all can relate to what you are going through. it may be hard to believe right now but the freedom in sobriety is fantastic.
What I thought I needed alcohol for, life in general, was rubbish. I cope much better without it. I could not imagine going through life without a drink but I am and life is so much easier.
Paul I wish you all the best. This forum is a great support.
Love
CaiHong

Peter G

Here's some more for ya Paul, an ominous yet necessary truth that I received when I first joined, and one that absolutely floored me.

Always remember that the most hard core, low bottom, dropped out and hopeless alcoholic was once in the exact position you now find yourself.

That was such a creepy and poignant dose of reality for me that I made a desktop wallpaper out of it, which has sat on my computer screen for almost 3 years now.

Mind you I had to discover this truth through the horrid experience, long before I ever found SR. That low bottom and hopelessness had already submarined me in a pretty big way. Here's the thing... it doesn't have to be that way for you. Grab hold of this site's many resources and people, and utilize them. Take this ball and run with it now, not later.

Your story strikes some very familiar chords with mine, a few years before things went completely south. I often say that my story wouldn't have reached the depths it had, had I found this website sooner. I still sincerely believe that to be the case. What we can learn here, through the advise of more experienced folks, the sharing, direction, and help with finding one (or more) of the many different programs that exist, it can honestly make all the difference to your leaving this rotten malady in the dust once and for all.

hypochondriac

I'm so glad you're here Paul. Personally I don't think I could have stopped drinking without the information and the support I got here. You are in the right place

There is no reason why your life has to be like this, we have all been there, but it is/gets so much better on the other side. For me the greatest thing has been the end of the guilt and not having to lie anymore. I don't have words to describe how much of a relief that is.

It would be a really good idea to talk to your doctor about stopping drinking. It doesn't sound like you want to talk to your family about it yet but someone needs to know what you're going through, preferably a medical professional.

I used to do that 'wait until after this this party/xmas' etc excuse too. From the first time I tried to get help it took me over 3 years to do anything about it, and 5 months after I found this site. There is no perfect time. I think I was waiting til something clicked, but it never did. But things keep clicking everyday sober. It gets better as soon as the alcohol is out of your life, and after the initial detox is over.

I thought I was functioning too, but this time what helped me quit was the knowledge that if I didn't do it now, things were going to get a lot worse, and I would have to take time out from work to detox, and everyone would know about it. I managed to scrape myself out of this. It will be easier the sooner you do it.

Please stick around here Paul, keep posting and let us know how you get on x

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Please see a doctor for proper detoxing.

Glad you are here!

walktheline1

Welcome Paul! Thanks for sharing your story! There are a lot of us here that can relate. Those panic attacks are miserable and only get worse as you keep drinking. The bright side is you never have to live with them again. Do some research and find the best way for you to quit. Being completely open with your girl and your family may help a lot too. I know that it has helped me a tremendous amount in recovery!

Sapling

Welcome to SR Paul...It's not real important to me what program or method you use to rid your life of alcohol...But I would put some serious thought into one of them. I use the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and it has worked for me....My drinking was out of control too...It cost me everything. One of the things that struck me when I read the Big Book was these two paragraphs...

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.


pg 24 bb

At certain times....I was without defense against picking up the first drink. And once I did...There was no stopping me. That's how I drank for most of my life. I'll post this book if you want to read the Doctors Opinion and the first three chapters....It gave me a real good idea what my problem was. Whatever you choose to do....to get alcohol out of your life...For good...Give it everything you got.

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous

Fandy

i drank secretly most of the time too, my family and friends had no idea, (only the recylcing man who took the bottles out of my giant container with wheels on it.)

your elevated BP and HR are very high given your age and truthfully if you keep going its going to get worse. i really think you should first consider getting to your primary physician and be honest with him/her about how much you drink. they aren't going to judge you, they will help you SAFELY detox, be it inpatient or at home with help.

the secret you are carrying must weigh like a ton. take your time and ask for help from your family and loved ones. i'm thinking that your girlfriend already knows there is an issue with the booze and would appreciate your honesty. i think once you are safely detoxed you will think more clearly and can make a better decision as you go along.

I do not follow a formal program, but I do practice "the attitude of gratitude" for my sobriety and reach out to people daily. SR and others have done for me more than i can ever thank them for.

you realize you are dependant of alcohol and can't stop...but you realize your health is in jeapordy and you want to stop. because it will get worse both physically and mentally. Alcoholism is progressive and destructive to everything i ever loved and cared about.

please call your doctor first thing Monday AM and tell them it's emergent that you be seen this day. and stick around to let us know how you are doing, we've been there and we understand.

GoodFortune

It is wonderful that you want to share your story with us here Paul. My best advice is to be honest with your family and girlfriend. It might feel shameful and embarrassing, but the people that loves you will highly appreciate your honesty instead of being kept in the dark when you are having a problem. This also takes power away from your addiction. Good luck with everything and keep posting!

OklaBH

Good job admitting and reaching out for help. Im actually jealous of you. I wish that when I was 28 I wouldve realized I had a problem. I could've save my family, friends, employers, coworkers and myself A LOT of pain.

pauladmits

Alright, luckily I woke up again. I drank some electrolytes, ate a big breakfast, had some water, vitamins, and sodium and feel pretty good. My heart isn't racing like it was yesterday morning when I drowned myself with water. But I just read what I wrote last night and it's so weird. I feel so different right now than that guy. It's like talking to a different person. It's amazing seeing the pain I'm actually putting myself through.

But this is just the normal cycle. I start feeling a little better, I convince myself having a drink will be fine, then maybe I can control it and get more alcohol and just save it for tomorrow, when in reality I'll just drink it all tonight and feel the pain tomorrow morning. It's a non-stop cycle.

If I don't want to see a doctor, what are some helpful tips for detox? I used to be a major binge drinker after college, going out and drinking day in day out, and I was able to quit cold turkey multiple times for weeks at a time with out any significant withdrawals other than just a little agitation. But that was because I worked a job that required me to be gone for two weeks in a compound that didn't allow alcohol. I worked that for two years and just drank when I got back and then detoxed when I went up.

Thank you everyone for your support, it's nice to know that people have been in my position and have been able to live the lives they've wanted too. I just want to get my power back... and control my life again. I've wasted over two years locked in my room drinking Vodka and skipping all my friends weddings, skipping vacations, completely ignoring anyone that requires me to leave my little world. I lost a lot the past couple years, I just want to live life again.

Thanks for any support. This is gonna be a painful journey!

Sapling

I was a chronic alcoholic Paul...For me to recover...The first thing I had to get used too...Was doing things I didn't want to do...It served me well.