Quit drinking..but can't quit the behaviours..help lol!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: toronto
Posts: 6
Quit drinking..but can't quit the behaviours..help lol!
Hello,
I'm Kadie, recovering alcoholic, dry date is December 26th, 2011. Problem is, I'm still crazy lol! I realize this is still early recovery, but finding it hard to do any kind of recovering as my brain is sooooo negative. In treatment, I kind of got that pink cloud I guess, and within a few months it left, and hasn't returned. I find it extremely difficult and awkward to go to meetings and speak to people, and find I'm day dreaming about exiting when I'm there. Feel very lonely, but seem to be doing nothing constructive to change the loner mentality, always making excuses not to hang out with people, call, etc. I thought maybe an online forum would make it a bit easier. I'm really feeling quite low at times, and although I don't want to drink, I find myself bitter that a lot of my co-workers this time of year are out socializing on patios and I can't really do that. For the last years of my drinking I really did it alone because I was so insane. Drinking is not an option, but this is quite miserable as well..I am creating the miserable situation I'm in but not sure how to change it and don't feel I have the guts to follow some of the suggestions. I'm very anxious, have been since childhood, and was basically cooped up in my house until I discovered my miracle cure (alcohol) in my late teens, drank until it left me just as lonely and was ending up in psych wards (thankfully always too crazy for jail!!) and hospitals, sober now and feeling as unpleasant as where I started. I'm sorry for the long ramble, not even sure what it is I'm asking, theres a hampster wheel spinning out of control between my ears!! Anyway, thank you for reading. Can anyone relate?? I don't want to be sober just to feel anxious and lonley all the time.
I'm Kadie, recovering alcoholic, dry date is December 26th, 2011. Problem is, I'm still crazy lol! I realize this is still early recovery, but finding it hard to do any kind of recovering as my brain is sooooo negative. In treatment, I kind of got that pink cloud I guess, and within a few months it left, and hasn't returned. I find it extremely difficult and awkward to go to meetings and speak to people, and find I'm day dreaming about exiting when I'm there. Feel very lonely, but seem to be doing nothing constructive to change the loner mentality, always making excuses not to hang out with people, call, etc. I thought maybe an online forum would make it a bit easier. I'm really feeling quite low at times, and although I don't want to drink, I find myself bitter that a lot of my co-workers this time of year are out socializing on patios and I can't really do that. For the last years of my drinking I really did it alone because I was so insane. Drinking is not an option, but this is quite miserable as well..I am creating the miserable situation I'm in but not sure how to change it and don't feel I have the guts to follow some of the suggestions. I'm very anxious, have been since childhood, and was basically cooped up in my house until I discovered my miracle cure (alcohol) in my late teens, drank until it left me just as lonely and was ending up in psych wards (thankfully always too crazy for jail!!) and hospitals, sober now and feeling as unpleasant as where I started. I'm sorry for the long ramble, not even sure what it is I'm asking, theres a hampster wheel spinning out of control between my ears!! Anyway, thank you for reading. Can anyone relate?? I don't want to be sober just to feel anxious and lonley all the time.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
Glad you are headed into a sober future...
It took me awhile to get used to sober living.
I was fortunate ..I found an AA group of mostly singles and
we did all sorts of interesting and fun things outside of our AA meetings.
Yes..new sober friends were vital for me...and together we did stay sober.
Thanks for posting and for joining us..all my best
Glad you are headed into a sober future...
It took me awhile to get used to sober living.
I was fortunate ..I found an AA group of mostly singles and
we did all sorts of interesting and fun things outside of our AA meetings.
Yes..new sober friends were vital for me...and together we did stay sober.
Thanks for posting and for joining us..all my best
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Edison, NJ
Posts: 16
Its called self medicating thats the boat I am in. I have been more clean then not for the past 8 months. i hasve had some relapses. I relapse when my anxiety and depression get the best of me. I am starting to see patterns and triggers and im starting to reach out to my friends and loved ones. I have even asked them to point out when they see a change in me. They will say "hey you havent really been getting back to me when i text/call is everything okay" or "you seem a bit distan, everything okay" it does help....I usually answer with "no, im fine everything is great" then when i have time to think about it when Im alone i start to see some truth in what they were seeing. lol now i am rambling. I am not aure if you are in aa or na, but people say you dont start to really see results until you work the steps. Me personally I am not sure how I feel about the program at the moment. I got a little burned out with all ofthe different recovery groups n lectures and books i was reading. I havent found what really works for me yet in my recovery. Good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by kadie 
I find it extremely difficult and awkward to go to meetings and speak to people, and find I'm day dreaming about exiting when I'm there. Feel very lonely, but seem to be doing nothing constructive to change the loner mentality, always making excuses not to hang out with people, call, etc. I thought maybe an online forum would make it a bit easier.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
Welcome to SR kadie.
I know the difficulty of reaching out for help. Being locked-up in psych wards keep me out of jail to...sometimes, so I know how it is to have a serious mental health issues.
Practicing reaching out here is a good idea. Hopefully you can turn that into some action in the live world.
Keep posting and working towards to better health.
I know the difficulty of reaching out for help. Being locked-up in psych wards keep me out of jail to...sometimes, so I know how it is to have a serious mental health issues.
Practicing reaching out here is a good idea. Hopefully you can turn that into some action in the live world.
Keep posting and working towards to better health.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Hello and welcome! This board has offered me invaluable support since I've been here (which is only a few days) and so I recommend sticking around and posting whenever you're feeling down. Helping others can also go some way in helping yourself - sometimes when you give advice you realise that you, too, need to take it.
All I can say is that you probably need a lot more support than you're getting right now. Do you see any support workers/nurses/doctors for mental health reasons? Do you talk these feelings through with friends or family? For me, when I was at my worst, my doctor and my mental health worker gave me so much support and guidance. I don't know where I'd be right now without them but it wouldn't be pretty. I also went to counselling for a while and that also helped a good deal. There are so many free and informal ways to get help - have a look on the internet for things in your area. This may not be about being sober or drunk, it may be that you have underlying depression or anxiety or something else mental health related. Being sober can sometimes exacerbate these feelings because we are no longer clouded by being drunk.
CONGRATS on your recovery so far... you are doing amazingly. You are a strong person for this... always remember that.
Good luck!
All I can say is that you probably need a lot more support than you're getting right now. Do you see any support workers/nurses/doctors for mental health reasons? Do you talk these feelings through with friends or family? For me, when I was at my worst, my doctor and my mental health worker gave me so much support and guidance. I don't know where I'd be right now without them but it wouldn't be pretty. I also went to counselling for a while and that also helped a good deal. There are so many free and informal ways to get help - have a look on the internet for things in your area. This may not be about being sober or drunk, it may be that you have underlying depression or anxiety or something else mental health related. Being sober can sometimes exacerbate these feelings because we are no longer clouded by being drunk.
CONGRATS on your recovery so far... you are doing amazingly. You are a strong person for this... always remember that.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
desperation led meto the doors of an AA meeting. i got the big book, did what it and them people at the meetings suggested i do, kept goin to meetings, and learned how to live one day at a time.
if i didnt change, nothing was gonna change. all it took to get to the point of wanting to change was being tired of the misery, then i got me some courage.
if i didnt change, nothing was gonna change. all it took to get to the point of wanting to change was being tired of the misery, then i got me some courage.
Spiritual Learner
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 165
Yes change can be difficult but it is not impossible! Remember when you learned how to ride a bike first it was with training wheels then someone was holding on until you looked back and saw no one, scary at first and yeah I fell when I realized I was doing it, but then got back on the bike and rode!
Sobriety is like that, keep posting and keep going to meetings even if at first you don't say anything but I pass because you are doing something different than what you used to do. Begin to ask one person to be your sponsor and make a connection and it will get easier as you go along or you can stay in this spot for years upon years and people will not get to know who Kadie is! Our disease or AV voice wants us alone and isolated so it can have it way with us but when we have sober paople around us that AV voice is not so powerful. Keep coming to meetings, read the literature, fellowship, work the steps, it is a better life for us alcoholics/addicts!
Good luck and God Bless!
Sobriety is like that, keep posting and keep going to meetings even if at first you don't say anything but I pass because you are doing something different than what you used to do. Begin to ask one person to be your sponsor and make a connection and it will get easier as you go along or you can stay in this spot for years upon years and people will not get to know who Kadie is! Our disease or AV voice wants us alone and isolated so it can have it way with us but when we have sober paople around us that AV voice is not so powerful. Keep coming to meetings, read the literature, fellowship, work the steps, it is a better life for us alcoholics/addicts!
Good luck and God Bless!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: toronto
Posts: 6
Thank you for the replies!! I'm really enjoying the site already, did a lot of reading last night on here. I do have to do things out of my comfort zone. Right now I think I'm feeling particularly isolated because I'm off work, because I was passing out...feel like a total arse because they throught I was having a stroke or something, every organs being looked at, and it's appearing they're just intense anxiety attacks that come out of no where. I had been on ativan to control these since I was 12 (now 29) so wondering if it's just rebound anxiety. I expected to come out of rehab sober and be back to work with no more sick time and make up for all the time I missed due to alcohol, and hasn't worked out that way.. feel like a bit of the black sheep or like I'm coming off as lazy. I care WAYYY too much about what others think. I'm going back next Friday, but am scared.
I see my sponser tomorrow. I have a million questions about everything. How do you organize a day?? I work 12 hour shifts and keep nothing simple. Guess I should take advantage of the next week off and go to as many meetings as I can. The anxiety is a major hurdle. Gotta somehow nip it in the bud or I could see it being as controlling as the alcohol. It's so confusing because it literally comes out of no where when I'm not feeling stressed out or having a conversation with someone, my visioin goes funny, get numb, sweaty, feel like I'm being smothered and theres a large butterfly trying to get out of my chest and it's really embarrassing. Whats worse is I work in psychiatry!!
Thank you for reading and responding to my rambles. I will take suggestions because what I'm doing clearly isn't working...just so afraid of having these kinds of attacks in a public place..but I guess the safest place to have one would be an AA meeting wouldn't it lol?
I see my sponser tomorrow. I have a million questions about everything. How do you organize a day?? I work 12 hour shifts and keep nothing simple. Guess I should take advantage of the next week off and go to as many meetings as I can. The anxiety is a major hurdle. Gotta somehow nip it in the bud or I could see it being as controlling as the alcohol. It's so confusing because it literally comes out of no where when I'm not feeling stressed out or having a conversation with someone, my visioin goes funny, get numb, sweaty, feel like I'm being smothered and theres a large butterfly trying to get out of my chest and it's really embarrassing. Whats worse is I work in psychiatry!!
Thank you for reading and responding to my rambles. I will take suggestions because what I'm doing clearly isn't working...just so afraid of having these kinds of attacks in a public place..but I guess the safest place to have one would be an AA meeting wouldn't it lol?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by kadie
How do you organize a day??
The text of Alcoholics Anonymous
If you haven't read the whole thing....I'd recommend it....If you have...Read it again. Hang in there Kadie...Don't drink today...You're going to be alright!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
kadie, you sound like me 40 yrs ago ......
AA will be the most uncomfortable place for you to be but you have to be there. Didn't rehab tell you to go to AA ??!! They should have. You will soon feel at home in AA.
Get a home group and a sponsor and get active. Commit to AA, it will save your life.
All the best.
Bob R
AA will be the most uncomfortable place for you to be but you have to be there. Didn't rehab tell you to go to AA ??!! They should have. You will soon feel at home in AA.
Get a home group and a sponsor and get active. Commit to AA, it will save your life.
All the best.
Bob R
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