Nigel1969

Hi, I had a date with a nice woman last night, took her to a resautrant, however I felt like I was just a bore to her, couldn't find much to talk about, my mind just went blank. (She was drinking wine) If I'd have had a drink, the conversation would have been flowing a lot more freely, and maybe even enhanced the taste of food. A few drinks would heve made me open up to her more, I felt very defensive. This was probably the 1st time I've ever dated or even been out for a meal without alcohol, not sure if I truly enjoyed it. Felt very uncomfortable. But at the same time, I knew that if I'd have had just one glass of wine, I wouldn't stop,, quite frankly, I don't know how long I can continue without giving in. Hope your all keeping well, and stay strong friends.

Weasel1966

You or any of us are not boring because we don't drink. That's a farse. It's in your head because it new. Anything new is uncomfortable. So drop that as an excuse to drink. It's a lame angle.

The fact you know if you had one it's all it takes to send you to a place not good for you. Hell with anyone else. What's good for you.

If she's a cool women she will need more than one date to decide if you click. So you have another chance to be more comfortable.

I recommend going to dinner with a friend before your next date. Going to a place for the first time not drinking and trying to be on a date can mix issues together. Get comfortable with the one so you can focus on the other.

Dating in general is a challenge. You sound in your posts like a cool guy... So go with that. I am sure you will be fine.

Best to you!

Sapling

You know...I'm not trying to sound harsh here Nigel...More concerned I guess....But it seems like eveything I was told not to do in early sobriety you have done...I really don't see how much longer you are gonna last.

LDT

I applaud you for not drinking. If your date really thought you were boring because you didn't drink, ( which I doubt ), she's not worth asking out again.

Drinking doesn't make us more interesting. It just makes us THINK we are more interesting. I hope you continue to stay the course, Nigel. We gals really do like sober guys!

Joe Nerv

I'd consider myself fortunate to even be able to go out to dinner with a girl newly sober. I was incapable of that. To expect to be able to do that in early sobriety with a date that's drinking and have a blast is kinda looking for trouble. Could very well be that you just didn't hit it off with this girl. If you were drunk it wouldn't have mattered, but sober perhaps she's just not someone you should be hanging with. Might have (probably would have) been a completely different experience with someone else.

Something I used to do, but you need a sense of humor to pull it off, was bring a list of questions on first dates. If there was awkward silence I'd clear my throat, say, "I was afraid this might happen", and pull out my paper. Usually just silly questions, but I'd throw some conversation starters in there too. When done right it got a laugh... not sure if it would work for everyone.

I also had to practice the art of conversation. Particuarly the listening end of it. Learned to get people talking about themselves, and really listen to what they're saying.

Being fresh away from the drink it's a hard to not just be all consumed with the fact that you're not drinking. Staying away from alcohol isn't something that comes easy overnight. That's why we continue to do it over and over and over. Cut yourself some slack, give yourself some time, and trust that it's not going to always be this way. I agree with Sapling that if you keep sticking your neck out, and then beating on yourself because things didn't go as you'd have liked, you're headed for trouble.

Michael66

Hey Nigel,

I can hear how tough you're finding it at the moment.

Can you think of ways in which you might make it any easier on yourself?

If you can, I'd avoid even thinking about going back and drinking could be an option. That sounds like you're almost preparing to drink again.

Stay with it buddy.

doggonecarl

Good that you could withstand the temptation to drink, but is seems you are teetering on the edge, a dangerous edge.

This is pure, unadulterated addictive voice BS! Flat out. You want to drink because you are a drunk and that's what drunks do. They drink. Don't romanticize it. Enhance the food? Please. Re-read your first post. THAT is what alcohol does and will do if you drink.

Make you next date a mid-day tea or coffee hookup.

Stay strong.

Elisabeth888

The reason people (not just in AA) advise against dating in early recovery is because it takes the focus off of the most important thing: your recovery and sobriety. Also, you are likely to drink if you feel insecure or rejected.

tomsteve

it was highly suggested to me to not date or get into a relatioship in the 1st year of recovery. i was only going to be attracted to smeone as sick as me. i proved them right.

i have followed yer threads and agree with sapling. i pray that you get it from your head to your heart that your thinking got ya drunk and your thinking aint gonna fix ya.

Nigel1969

We both got on fine, I just felt uneasy and panicky without having a drink in front of me. I actually felt naked, sounds daft I know, but maybe that's my comfort blanket, and it wasnt there. I've got a thousand thoughts rushing through my head today, need something to relax me. Going for a walk now, hopefully the fresh air tires me out, then sleep for a while.

aasharon90

Never do you have to feel uncomfortable
in a situation like that again. For me, I
learned early on that I too dont have to
place myself in an uncomfortable or awkward
situation if I choose not to.

I would know emmediately that I couldnt
sit comfortably with anyone who is drinking
alcohol. So I dont do it as simple as that.
Even today at 21 yrs sober. I know that
even tho i have no desire to drink today,
if i was to sit with alcohol in front of me,
it would definitely make me squirrelly
because not only do I remember what
alcohol did to me but I also know that
one drink would never be enough to quench
my cravings for it in this world.

So why sit and day dream about it or
fantasize about it. It just aint gonna happen
without it killing me first.

Sobriety doesnt have to be as difficult as
it may seem to be, because it's not, as long
as I incorperate the tools and knowledge
of my alcoholism into my everyday affairs.

It can be for you too.

Nigel1969

It might not be difficult for you Sharon, but I'm finding it the toughest thing I've ever done. I am trying other things, but its always there in my mind, just never goes away, and I'm fed up.

MalkavianEmily

At 12 days, I'm finding the AV to be all too ready to pop up with some 'helpful' suggestions, or reminders of how 'good' things were. i'm missing my fiance, which isn't helping, but we talk a lot on the phone.
'Enhance the taste of the food' though, that's a new one on me. I can think of a couple of meals that I've eaten and not even remembered eating. Or cooking for that matter. And I have a vague recollection of going for a curry and noticing that - I can't remember whether it was lamb or chicken - whatever it was didn't really taste of anything. I think the AV must have been in charge that evening, she only understands alcohol, so of course, to her, food has no flavour.

Congrats for not drinking, and maybe next time go for coffee or something. Maybe go somewhere where drinking isn't an option?
Hang in there. Keep strong. You can do it.

aasharon90

I was 30 yrs old when I spent 28 days in
rehab after wanting to leave this Earth.
Early recovery was the toughest thing I
too had to face in my life along with other
things, yet I kept plowing away, just like
you mainly living in the day because it
was all I could do while raising a family.

Believe me everyday sober is a miracle.

Today, by no means am I cure because
all I have to do is lift one sip of poison to
my lips and im gone. just like that. There's
no guarantee that I will be here tomorrow
to tell you what happened to me.

Im here today because I didnt drink yesterday
or even this morning. Why havent I drank you
ask. I have a program of recovery in place that
I practice each and everyday, no slacking, in
every thing I do, including relationships, marriage.

All i did was follow suggestions from others who
managed to stay sober before me because their
way was soooo much better than my own. I grabbed
a hold of their coattails and hung on for dear life.

All i can offer a newcomer is hope that staying sober
with a program of recovery works because im still
here. Just For Today.

Nigel1969

Thanks, but I've no idea how recovery programmes are available, there's nothing in my area, that's one of the reasons I came on here to get help from other people who are going through the same thing. If I hadn't came across this site, it would've been guarenteed I'd be back on the booze. I've had so much support from new friends on here, I'd like to give something back.

Sapling

Where do you live Nigel?....Are you out in the middle of nowhere?

Nigel1969

I live in North East, UK. The only free rehab programmes and detox centres we have are for drugs, not alcohol. The few that are available are asking the earth. I'll manage my own way.

Sapling

I know you will. But if your way doesn't work...You should see if they have any AA meetings in North East UK....They don't cost anything. Good luck to you Nigel...Use this site for support. And don't drink today.

Anna

Here's a link for the Salvation Army. In Canada and the US they offer free rehab to anyone who wants it. This link might help you to find something in your area:

The Salvation Army: UK & Ireland

coming_clean

maybe it's not the right time?