forabetterlife

Obviously I need to do something different because I keep slipping. I'll have a day or two here and there and then just give up. I haven't posted mostly because I'm ashamed but also because, as much as I know it's not true, that people on SR are sick and tired of my committing myself to sobriety with all these grand plans, or carrying on how great I feel sober, only to fail over and over again. I'm thinking maybe if I just put it all out there, something will change.

As everyone knows there are 100 reasons why l've been listening to that voice and drinking rather than staying strong: I'm stressed, I'm bored, I'm heartbroken over a relationship, it's summer, it's raining..on and on.
It's like I see a glimpse of how great I could feel, how much I could change, how different my life would be if I choose sobriety once and for all...it's like this light at the end of the tunnel, and I want it...but I keep sabotaging myself and preventing myself from taking the steps to get there.

I'm utterly disgusted with myself right now. I'm going for a short vacation next week and will be spending time with old friends- lots of drinking. I've been telling myself for months now that I DO NOT want to drink on this trip, as hard as it will be. I wanted to have some sobriety under my belt before I left to make it easier, but now I'm down to the wire. As much as I love these friends, I wanted this time to be different: not the usual excessive drinking and acting loopy, feeling hungover every morning, and then just drinking again to feel regular. Then before I know it the trip is over, and I'm back home, lonely and at square one.

I'm just so tired of my same old patterns, the same cycle that I keep putting myself through. Today I will spend some time researching programs other than AA. I would be fine with AA online but not face to face meetings, it's just not something I can do in my life right now for lots of reasons.
I will NOT drink today: I will work on rehydrating my body, I will exercise, I will spend some time shopping, and getting some things done on my to-do list, I will come as SR as often as necessary. I need to stay positive and get myself back on track. I keep waiting for this magical day where it all clicks and I can "really start". No, today is just a regular old Thursday- I guess it all comes down to a choice: I can make this day just like yesterday and keep on drinking and feeling sorry for myself, or I can take action, and do what is right for me. Just one step in the right direction.

sugarbear1

I keep waiting for this magical day where it all clicks and I can "really start".

I hope you start before this day. This day is really, really dark.

Have a great day today!

Sapling

You don't have to share them if you don't want to...I was just curious what the lot's of reasons were...You see when I knew I had to stop before this disease killed me....I really couldn't think of any reasons why I shouldn't at least try it.

jobei

I agree with Sapling... you should give AA a try... if it's not for you oh well. Definately worth a shot though. I found a lot of guidance there. Many people go there because they simply can't quit no matter what they try. Many (millions) have succeeded there. Take care friend!

jobei

I'm out of town and in NYC right now... decided to take my own advice and found a meeting 2 blocks from my hotel and it's a "lunch" meeting... so rare! 90 minutes till it starts can't wait!

Zencat

I can help with that search. Here are plenty of alternative programs to AA. They work if you work them.
That's the beauty of having choices, free will allows me to pick a path that will lead me to a release from addiction or stay captured in a bottle of never ending suffering.

Keep up your continued participation here at SR. Maybe encourage another person here (SR) like yourself. Helping them will help you. You need to give to get.

forabetterlife

"You need to give to get". This is so so true. I know this, yet sometimes I guess I expect it come easy and I don't want to fight for it.
I have been to AA meetings, years ago, so I do have some experience. My main reason, among others, is that I live in a small community and would not want to run into someone who knows me through work or through my kids. I know this issue has been discussed on other threads, and that there are lots of different opinions on it, but, for me, right now, I know that I am not willing to risk that. Please do not think that this is a reflection of a lack of desire to change. I truly have put a lot of thought into it and that is my decision for now.
I plan to research other ways to get some benefits of the AA program as well as those suggested by Zencat.
For today, I will not drink. The first day is always the hardest.

Threshold

Thank you for your honest post FABL. I remember that place, like it was yesterday, because it sort of was. I have been clean awhile, but there are so many areas of my life that I still feel that way. That I am tired of those old patterns.

I realized, thank goodness, that the way to freedom is first to stop the behavior that gets in the way of truly, deeply, honestly growing, and then, to truly deeply and honestly grow.

And there are so many ways of accomplishing those ends. First we must find a way to stop using/drinking and stay stopped. The most important element for me to accomplish that was hope, still IS hope.

SR is huge in that the experiences and stories of others infuse me with that hope over and over again. It keeps me hanging in there as I move on to the growing part.

I have to find the things that help me grow me. And I hear that voice in your post, a readiness for that. Tired of the old way, ready for something new, but not sure how, where.

Because of my location, I can't use face to face programs, so I can assure you that there are ways to quit, stay quit and grow that don't include that. I would love to be in therapy, but it's currently not an option, but there are wonderful theraputic resources that help me discover the things I need to know to move beyond my addict self. I pick those up daily instead of a drink.

I live in a very very isolated situation. So I understand lonely, I understand not having friends to hang out with. I understand having to learn to befriend myself and find new ways to spend time and stimulate my brain.

I am sharing to let you know it IS possible. The first few months are hard, not to slip back into insane, not to wonder if it's worth it, etc.

In time sobriety reaches a theraputic level. In time it gains it's own momentum. In time we realize it is not a drink or fix we want...there are deeper things we hunger for, and without the chemical fog in our brains, we have a shot at achieving them.

CarolD

Welcome back...

I too had false starts on my way to solid recovery...please keep trying
anything and everything you can think of.

I rather like the approach SMART uses...if you are interested in a non secuar
program.

LiveLikeGold6

I'm right there with you sister. Same ****** feeling and self sabotage different circumstances. I have 9 months and almost drank recently. For me I just played the tape. Meaning, I kept asking myself why I want that next drink...what is it going to accomplish...why do I want that, etc. Until I came to the conclusion that I need a new sober social life to really make this work. My best bet to get that is face to face AA meetings. Also, I thought SR would get tired of my running circles around my sobriety too lol but they haven't

I hope my share helps in anyway.

LiveLikeGold6

I'm right there with you sister. Same ****** feeling and self sabotage different circumstances. I have 9 months and almost drank recently. For me I just played the tape. Meaning, I kept asking myself why I want that next drink...what is it going to accomplish...why do I want that, etc. Until I came to the conclusion that I need a new sober social life to really make this work. My best bet to get that is face to face AA meetings. Also, I thought SR would get tired of my running circles around my sobriety too lol but they haven't

I hope my share helps in anyway.

2granddaughters

Your second sentence immediately canceled the treatment for your first sentence. Good luck.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

neferkamichael

Forabetterlife, there no need to be ashamed. For 20 years I quit, made it 2, 3 days whatever and then starting using again. On July 10th, 2010 I made a commitment to give up all my addictions. Quitting smoking cigarettes lasted about 1 hour, smoking crack about 1 month, but I didn't give up. Everything you said, being ashamed, disgusted, sabatoge. I came down to the wire to. I'm 1 year 11 months sober, 9 months no crack, no coffee with lots of sugar since May 22nd, and no cigarette for 10 days or so no. I don't fell great as, as a matter of fact, I haven't felt great since I started coping with my addictons. What I have done is save my life, my health is improving and I have a better life than before. I here the anger and frustation in your words, and I'm angry and frustated to, just not as much as when I was using. Every time you get the urge immediately say NO. Thats the 1st step, then get on with whatever reovery plan you have. Believe me, it gets easier as the days go by. Honest, if I can do it anybody can. You can do it, don't give up.

neferkamichael

Forabetterlife, there no need to be ashamed. For 20 years I quit, made it 2, 3 days whatever and then starting using again. On July 10th, 2010 I made a commitment to give up all my addictions. Quitting smoking cigarettes lasted about 1 hour, smoking crack about 1 month, but I didn't give up. Everything you said, being ashamed, disgusted, sabatoge. I came down to the wire to. I'm 1 year 11 months sober, 9 months no crack, no coffee with lots of sugar since May 22nd, and no cigarette for 10 days or so now. I don't fell great, as as a matter of fact, I haven't felt great since I started coping with my addictons. What I have done is save my life, my health is improving and I have a better life than before. I here the anger and frustation in your words, and I'm angry and frustated to, just not as much as when I was using. Every time you get the urge immediately say NO. Thats the 1st step, then get on with whatever reovery plan you have. Believe me, it gets easier as the days go by. Honest, if I can do it anybody can. You can do it, don't give up.

epskie

I agree with Sugarbear, that 'day' you're waiting for is a truly dark place laden with despair - if you can escape it, please do. X

wonderfullife

Sugarbear,

Thank you for that one liner up there. It rattled me.

Wonder

Zencat

Every day is a new day, a new opportunity to start fresh and a good day to not drink.

Notmyrealname

I'm gonna venture a guess that everyone on these forums, even those who have been sober for years, has had numerous failed attempts at quitting booze at some point in their pasts. We have all been there, and we are not sick of you posting. We are here to support you in your next try, because we want you to succeed. Keep on posting!

I don't know how a short vacation with drinking buddies is going to work out, though. It seems like it would be hard to work out my first sober days in that environment. I guess if it's planned you're going. Well, good luck!