Day 1 - The Story of what I thought was a functioning alcoholic
 

Being honest with yourself maybe one of the hardest things to do in life. You would think that it would be something that is so simple. It's just yourself, it's just you and your mind. Why would one want to lie to themselves? Why would one THINK that they can lie to themselves. But apparently, I have done it to myself pretty much every day for as long as I can remember.

I tell myself everyday that "it's going to be ok". "Pick yourself up by the boot straps and forget the past." I'm lying to myself every day.

I am an alcoholic. Every problem that I have in the world stems from my alcoholism. Until I am honest with myself, brutally honest with myself. And I address this problem that I have with alcohol, nothing else will matter.

Welcome to SR sjnorth.....I'll agree with that...But also one of the most rewarding.

I quess I think the term functioning alcoholic is an oxymoron unless it is attributed to I am a functioning alcoholic in the sense that I function as an alcoholic. I hought I was functioning until after the legal, family, physical, emotonal and spiritual issues arose. I just had to give my disease time to grow and prosper whch it did. Now I'm just attempting to be functional.

I agree totally sjnorth - You couldn't have put it better. "Being honest with yourself maybe one of the hardest things to do in life".

One of the hardest things that I had to do when I was getting sober was admitting to myself not so much that I was an alcoholic, but that I was powerless where it was concerned.

I definitely don't agree with this statement, mostly because I know that if you're as serious as you seem to be about quitting, then it IS going to be OK.
I also know that I can't do anything about the past, so I won't so much forget it as learn from it. Tomorrow isn't here yet so ... well you know.
Today though is the first day of the rest of your life - what'cha gonna do with it?

I'm not sure I agree that all your problems stem from alcoholism though. I think the problems would have been there anyway, but without the alcohol I was able to deal with them in a moderatly adult manner.

Great post, sjnorth. Welcome to SR.

The great thing about finding alcohol at the root of so many problems is that by addressing one thing, you address all the rest. Glad you found us. :)

Welcome sjnorth!

Just for comparison' sake

I started binge drinking in college, some 25 years ago. I was highly successful academically. I kept on drinking and telling myself it was perfectly normal. It slowed down in grad school at first, and I thought little of it, dealing with fuzzy mornings and headaches. I was highly "functional" achieving several degrees. Something happened in the past ten years, however, that I can only explain as evidence of the progressive nature of alcoholism. My tolerance became herculean; I almost prided myself on it. Then I started staying awake long after my wife went to bed, polishing off more wine in front of the tv, or pretending to have brilliant ideas in my study. Some nights I pulled all-nighters and faced the day still drunk. I was told to reel it in by wife and family. So I somewhat did, but I craved. In the last several years the power of control that I thought I had vanished completely. "Sure let's go have a few drinks"--these settings began turning into 5, 7, 10 day benders. Steady drip. Chugging down beers in the morning from the basement fridge while the family ate pancake breakfasts upstairs. Holding back the gag reflex to keep it down (and sometimes failing). No control whatsoever. All of these episodes followed by increasingly bad withdrawals, with me pacing the house or the walking the neighborhood in despair for hours on end. 2 ER visits for detox in the past two year and a half, the last of which shuttered the idea forever in my heart that I was "normal" or "functional." I know I am an alcoholic.

So I don't know about "functional." Most people who are healthy drinkers don't even need that qualifier I guess.

Apologies for the lengthy reply, but your post got me thinking about my own attempts to come to grips with my alcoholism.

Hope you don't mind the share. Best wishes

:welcome sjnorth

Glad you found SR! This is my second day (after a prior relapse) and it has helped me come to grips with my disease. The people here are supporting and totally awesome! :ring

Welcome to SR Sjnorth :) Glad you're here x

welcome! =)

Welcome to SR!

sjnorth,
Welcome! Powerful post, thanks.

I was functional until I wasn't too.