Casmasta

Hi..
I'm Cas, and I'm an alcoholic.

For the background portion of my first entry.....

I got drunk for the first time when I was 12.
My mother was losing her battle with cancer, and my father was falling into a deep depression that would last the rest of his life. After she died, he also became alcoholic.
I drank in my high school years, but not as much as I abused drugs and food.
At 20, I found alcohol in a new way. I was a happy drinker then.
At 22, my father was diagnosed with cancer. He died 6 months later. I was a sad drunk then. And continued to be for the next 5 years.
I live in Milwaukee, so there's a certain social acceptance of being a complete and absolute mess. Not that I chose any other crowd, mind you.

I am 32 now. I was neither a sad, nor happy drinker. Just a drunk.
A few years ago, this started getting old.
I started playing the games with myself.. If I only drink beer, if I only drink on the weekends, if I don't do cocaine (a thing I started doing to be able to drink more, and for longer periods of time), if I don't go to the bars, if I don't drink alone.. They would 'work' for a time, and I would laugh when they didn't, and throw caution to the wind.

About a year and a half ago, I started on a journey to lose the weight I had put on over the years, which has been a lot.. Alcohol, as it always has, stayed on. I chose to drink vodka sodas, of course.. Or straight bourbon.
I ate anyways.
I quit smoking last November.
Somehow, I was always smoking when I drank.
In January, I went out for a "drink or two" with a couple of friends.
I came to in my bedroom at 7 am (after blacking out, and 'resurfacing') with a bunch of cocaine up my nose, and two packs of cigarettes smoked inside my house.

I quit drinking the next day.

In April, I drank some secret champagne in a friend's pantry at her son's baptism. The next day, someone left some more champagne in my house, as well as a few beers. I drank all of those. The day after that, I drank 6 beers at lunch. And started to plan how I would become a secret drinker.. (something I had never been)..

I realized then that I can't do this on my own. I need all the guidance and help I can get.. I have started going to AA meetings as of 3 weeks ago.

Current state of affairs..

My major issue now is the anxiety and depression that have come along with quitting. I guess before I thought the quitting was going to be the hard part..
This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done.
I feel lost, and lonely, and sad most of the time.

I realize now that I haven't felt nearly anything in 20 years, and now I have to feel everything. It's scary, and I'm worried that I might break open into a cazillion pieces.
I try to fill my time as best I can, but if there's even a moment to myself..

I have been an athiest/agnostic for my entire adult life.. (i'd say from about 12....) I don't know how to go about finding god as they say to do..

I don't know how to be a different person than I have been for the past 20 years, but I guess I'm trying to build one from the ground up.

..If there's any bit of advice about god for an athiest, or depression cures.. I'm all ears.

Thanks for listening.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Glad you are here. You aren't alone anymore!

Hugs,

DoinThis

Hi Cas, I just wanted to say congrats on 3 weeks, I'm sorta in the same boat so can't offer much advice but you'll get loads here. It's a great place to read where u won't feel alone.

I lost my mum at 32 and drank most days after! It does appear to me that my grief is still raw 3 years on now I'm not dulling it with booze. Not sure how to deal with it or if it will ever get better. I'm seeing a psychologist which is a good help and a good outlet (lots of tears). I wish u all the best, I'm sure life can only get better sober. It's definately the hardest thing I've ever done too.

Welcome

GirlFromCO

Hi Casmasta, welcome to SR! You have made a decision that will positively affect the rest of your life. Congratulations! (Goes for you too DoinThis!) It is hard to get sober, otherwise most of us would have done it sooner. There's no way out but through, as they say. All the hard work you're doing now will pay off later on, no doubt about it. Things can only get better from here, and they will. Your parents would be so proud of you!

Sapling

I like what they say in the Big Book...Look for a power inside of you. A spritual awakening is all about changing the way we think of ourselves and others...What we pack into the stream of life. See if this makes sense to you.

Yet we had been seeing another kind of flight, a spiritual liberation from this world, people who rose above their problems. They said God made these things possible, and we only smiled. We had seen spiritual release, but liked to tell ourselves it wasn't true.

Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself.

We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us.

Pg 55 bb


I'm going to put a post here from a member that is an Athiest...Because I loved this post...Maybe it will help you.

Sapling

As far as the depression goes...Speaking for myself...Once I removed the alcohol and worked the 12 steps....I haven't had to deal with that....Some people need medication....And that's fine.....I didn't.

MrsKing

The above sounds so much like me.

Your post was very touching and I feel for you. Not feeling things because of alcohol and then suddenly feeling EVERYTHING is scary, but it's also wonderful. You are no longer numb because of the drink and because of this, you can really change your life. I have been sober two months now and if I'm honest, the first month or so was incredibly hard - the depression and anxiety that you touch on was something I felt in abundance. I didn't know what on earth to do with my time, now that I wasn't drinking. I think the worst thing, though, was that I didn't know how to relax without drinking. I didn't know what I enjoyed, what I loved, what really made me happy. All I knew was alcohol - because alcohol cured the boredom, and alcohol took away any urges to actually find things that made me happy. Since quitting, I've find many hobbies, and I think this is what has helped rid the depression and anxiety for the most part. I like to bake now if I'm feeling anxious. I don't even eat the cakes, or the cookies, or all the other things I make - I give them away. But filling a couple of hours doing something I enjoy is wonderful. I think finding a hobby really helps. My doctor even said to me that I need to find a way to relax, no matter how crazy it is. It doesn't matter WHAT it is, but you need something to take your mind of everything - something that makes you feel a sense of achievement, too.

Good luck, I really hope you feel better soon. I have been on this forum for a day and I already feel as though it's helped me so much... I hope it helps you, too.

Zencat

Welcome to SR Casmasta.

Fortunately there are other atheist/agnostics that have found a way to work the 12-step program of AA.
Also, Jim Burwell's (A.A. History - Jim Burwell - Sober For Thirty Years) story as one of the founding members of AA, as a self-proclaimed atheist found lasting sobriety through AA.

Don't forget to include SR in your recovery program. This is a great site with caring and understand members willing to help.

Live2Run25

Welcome. You are in a good place here. I feel the same way. I was a weekend binger/social drinker. I'd drink because it was the only way I could come out of my shell and get talking and have friends. Now I have to learn to do that without alcohol. It's hard. Great job on 3 weeks!

CarolD

Welcome Cass..
Thanks for shareing part of your life with us..

My depression was caused by alcohol...and it lifted rather
quickly as I remained sober.
Each day I noticed a bit of improvement...hope that will
also be true for you.

FredG

Hi Cas - I'm Fred and I'm an alcoholic.
When we drink we hide from all the issues that made us feel, so we never learned to deal with them. I actually cried for the first time when I was about 40. When we start to get some sobriety, all those things we used alcohol to hide behind, come back. So we need to learn how to deal. Don't be afraid to seek professional councilling to help deal.

The biggest thing to remember though, is that you're not alone. Don't know where you are but usually there's lots of AA meetings and even if there isn't, there are lots of people locally that are willing to get a phone call from you when you're feeling down.

As far as 'finding God' is concerned, I wouldn't worry about it. Just accept. You don't have to find Him, because He's not lost.

I was very much like you in this department. Eventually, came to realize though, that even though I didn't believe in Him, He believed in me. How else could I explain all my narrow escapes throughout my drinking career? Passing out and hitting the ditch drunk in the back country during a -40 degree Canadian winter snowstorm. Waking up and stumbling, near frozen to a farmhouse, that actually opened their door to me, gave me a blanket, hot chocolate and phoned my mom. God did this for me even though I didn't believe in Him.

Relax, accept, work your program, talk to lots of people, stick with SR

If He leads you TO it, He'll lead you THROUGH it.

Cinderblock18

Hi Cas! Thanks for sharing. I am 31 and just now realizing things have changed (internally) when I drink. Increasing the amount, and I just started memory loss/haziness (among other things). I never realized this either until your post. But, I used to be a "happy" drinker. Always the life of the party, dancing, telling jokes, you name it. And now, there's alot more going on in my head than having a good time, it's all about the next drink.
Welcome! I've already found lots of encouragement around here. It feels so good for someone to understand. I have nobody (yet) that "gets it" in my life

Casmasta

Thank you so much!! All of you.

artsoul

Welcome Cas!

This place has really helped me feel less alone - there's always someone here to listen or learn from. The beginning weeks for me were all about keeping things simple and not overwhelming myself. Over time (and it does take time), you really do learn that feelings and thoughts come and go and that a bad day or two is usually followed by a good one.

If you feel like you're depressed and it continues to get worse, don't hesitate to get help for that. Whatever you can do to make it better for yourself....:ghug3

pinkdog

Hi Cas, I had the same surges of feelings and emotions. Mine were full-blown panic attacks. There is a technique called urge surfing. Google it if you want. It's a way of self-calming. I swear by it. Best wishes

Casmasta

After reading all of these posts over and over again..
The thing that sticks out the most to me were the congrats on 3 weeks.
It feels like months.. Has it really only been 3 weeks?
I know I should be proud, but there's this nagging feeling of, "Really? That's it? I thought I was doing better. I should be doing better."

I'm having a moment of self-loathing. Ugh.

Casmasta

This is exactly the way I feel.
I don't know what I like doing, or how to relax without drinking.
I really like the baking idea, and giving things away. I have a lot of friends in my neighborhood that would like it too.

Sapling

I remember making it three hours and I was grateful....I did everything possible to not drink for one day. Three weeks was huge for me....I started to feel like maybe I could do this....Almost a year later and I'm still grateful for one day sober. It took us a long time to get to our last drink....It takes time time to get away from it. Hang in there Casmasta...Be grateful for 3 incredible weeks!

ACT10Npack

OP, look into SOS if your an atheist. You may feel more comfortable in that type of meeting. Just remember that you can get sobriety is not easy but may have done it. Also go to the doctor and see if they can give you something for your depression. Good luck and welcome to SR!

silly

Three weeks is a lifetime for so many of us, Casmasta. You ARE doing great! Nobody but other alcoholics/addicts understand the fact that, at least in the beginning, being sober can make time stand still... I won't call it torture but I will call it painful. For me, the only real relief was knowing I could go to sleep again as soon as my day was done :-( It sounds horrible but it got me through. And faster than I thought!
It took years to be at the place we were before alcohol controlled us. It's not surprising that it might take some time to get back there. The point is, we're trying, we're doing, we're acting