soberbrooke

I just got out of a relationship with the father of my children last Thursday. He is still using, and I have been sober for 5 months, 6 on the 19th. Every time he opens his mouth I think he is lying, there was no trust. My sponsor told me if he is not in recovery, then he will lie, cheat and steal his way out of everything, and that has been our relationship for the past 14 years.
Anyway, last night was his birthday and he brought our two boys and dropped them at my house. The boys told me that their father had a bad headache and that is why he dropped them off. Do I believe that? NO.
I wanted to go to the main house last night and see if he was there, but I didn't. This morning when I woke up, I wanted to go and see if he was there, but I didn't. I am trying to stay strong, and I know I am going to succeed, it just gets hard sometimes. I do not want to be the person that I was, I want to change. I am going to one sometimes two meeting every day and working the steps with my wonderful "Dr. Phil" like sponsor. She has really helped me turn my life around.
I have kept repeating the same patterns in all of my important relationships - being with someone I can't trust, them smoking mary-jane, them going to topless bars, them lying to me about everything, them taking advantage of my good natured-ness, etc... I have been in a relationship with these type of men my whole life. I want it to stop. I do not want to keep repeating this pattern. I want to be free of my negative patterns and I want to turn my life around. I want to just live with my two boys and have true happiness. I am striving for those things, and am slowly getting there, I just hate those feelings of jealousy..............

OklaBH

good morning. What exactly are you jealous of? I ask because Im quite the green eyed monster sometimes & cant always pinpoint what it is Im jealous of.

soberbrooke

I am not exactly sure what I am jealous of to tell you the truth. I guess its that I am trying to better my life, and I am succeeding in it, and he is just the same old person that doesn't want change. I would be jealous if he slept with another woman last night, but I am the one who left him. I am not sure why my mind works like that. I should just be happy that I am finally free of him, and this jealousy monster is right here in my face.

2granddaughters

Brooke, are you going to AA meetings?

All the best.

Bob R

tomsteve

i am gonna guess that saying you have a sponsor means you are in a 12 step recovery program? the steps are to fix us and show us OUR problems and how to remove OUR problems. i hope that your sponsor is pointing you to what your part in eveything is and how to fix you.

working the steps will do this.

soberbrooke

Yes I m Bob, one a day sometimes 2 especially on the wknds. Yesterday was the first time since I left that those feelings came back. Probably because it was his bday and I don't believe the fact that he had a headache. I mean, I LEFT HIM!! That is something very new to me. In the past I have been able to leave a boyfriend and just leave. Now that I have children with this person, I can't just leave. I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life in one way or the other. I will talk about this in my meeting today, but I just don't know what to do about those awful feelings.

losingmygrip

Soberbrooke-
I feel your pain! The mistrust, the lies, the jealousy. He has hurt you a lot. You are doing so good to stay sober and trying to avoid obsessing about him and working on your program. One thing that has helped me is this wonderful book called "codependent no more" by beattie. When I read it I was like wow! This explains why I love people who ultimately bring much pain into my life. You could even go to an alanon meeting every now and then, to learn how to detatch from loving an addict. I left my older daughters father because he was/is a drug addict. He decided not to be a part of our lives after that. I got sober, remarried, and low and behold, my husband turns out to be an addict too! These patterns of loving people with problems and abandoning yourself in the process die really hard.

Big hugs!

simplyfab

Keep telling yourself what you just wrote. Its gonna take time, and its gonna hurt, but soon, you'll find yourself not caring about it. Or realizing that you deserve better. I just broke up with my bf of 8 yrs yesterday. It hurts, but I know we don't belong together.
And as far as the type you attract...I know what u mean. But I realized that I may need some therapy to figure out why Im ok with giving these type of guys my time.
Shoot, its scary what a fine line my jealousy has. From obsessing to where he's at, to actually going and seeing if he's with someone. But Im not that person. I can't be that person. I can't be 'psycho' girlfriend. And no matter what leash you try to put on him, if its in him to cheat, he's gonna cheat. Its gonna happen either way.
Just let the breakup happen, and stay strong. (hug)
Once you stop caring, you'll see how all of a sudden he starts. Ur no longer stroking his ego. And when you find yourself there, you'll see how easy it is to not care about him anymore, and only care about how you feel.
Best wishes....

soberbrooke

Thanks for all the great advice. I am going to go to my first alanon meeting tonight. I am really excited about it. I want to release all of these negative patterns and start living my life the way I want to. I do not want to obsess over him anymore. I want to love him and his illness and let him go. It is easier said than done right now though.

losingmygrip

That's wonderful! Please let us know how it goes.

FeelingGreat

I've found out over many situations in my life that once I want something badly enough I succeed in achieving it; the trick is to want it enough and you sound like you are at that point. You know where you are going, and the feelings of jealousy and other set-backs are road bumps, not road blocks. If you stay on track, sometime in the future you will suddenly realise that life is so much better, and it's crept up on you while you were busy just coping from day to day.