Luling

I'm starting to think that my husband is unintentionally or subconsciously trying to sabotage my sobriety. He doesn't drink sparkling wine (it's always been a favorite of mine, haven't had it in a while), and yet there's a bottle of it chilling in the fridge right now.

suki44883

It's certainly possible. I considered that when I read your post the other day about him asking you to put beer in the fridge for him. I'm sure he would rather you drink along with him so he doesn't have to look at his own drinking habits. It really isn't uncommon for them to want to sabotage your recovery. I hope you won't allow him to do it. It's hard enough to quit drinking as it is, but much MUCH harder when it is in our face every day.

Luling

He says I've been working so hard at getting fit that I deserve to treat myself once in a while. He really doesn't get it, and I don't want to have to spell it out for him; I do not want to have that conversation.

regeneration

hello Luling, spell it out for him (and ask him to remove the wine). He may not realise to what extent alcohol has an effect on you, but I bet you he'll realise how much better you are without it within a short time frame.

My partner (now ex) tried to get me to drink when I was hungover (after telling me I should stop). I don't think he was a "bad" guy, he just had his own thing going on with drink and his own problems.

I felt mean telling him to stop ringing when I was first sober (he upset me as he was v. upset and wanted me back). But being sober had to come first. Have a gentle chat with your husband and spell it out. Say it's important for you as you don't feel good drinking and you need to work this out for yourself, and you'd really appreciate some support.

Ultimately, it's you that has to stay sober (which we all know) but I'd still ask him not to have your favourite drink in the fridge.

Saskia

Could be ... When I quit drinking many, many years ago (the first of a number of times), my ex immediately went out and bought some. I hadn't realized how much he drank until then. That's very hard to deal with. I finally kicked the bum out and got sober but I'm definitely not making any recommendations here!

Good for you for hanging in and working on your sobriety. Just remember that it's YOURs! And yes, it does feel embarrassing when we slip (and many of us do). Just please don't give up and please keep coming here to the many caring folks who post. We do care about you!!!

Luling

See, I told him I drink too much. I said that I don't do well with moderation and would be better off abstaining. But then I caved TWICE since I decided I needed to do this, which demonstrates to him that I didn't really mean it. So he brings home this wine, thinking he's being nice and thoughtful. He's not trying to be an ass, but he just really likes it when I drink with him. And I gave him the green light when I slipped.

suki44883

If you truly want to stop drinking, then you are going to have to prove it by not drinking. ever. again. If you refuse to "have that conversation" with him, how is he to know that you truly ARE serious about it? Most people slip a time or two, sometimes more, but him bringing your favorite wine into the house is a HUGE detriment. I don't see how you cannot have that conversation with him if you expect him to understand how you are feeling and how much you truly want to stop drinking.

Luling

True. He clearly doesn't believe I'm serious, and that's my own fault. When I fall off, I take it as evidence of my problem; he only sees that I must intend to continue drinking "once in a while." I suppose a weird, awkward conversation is in order.

scrambled2012

He really doesn't get it, and I don't want to have to spell it out for him; I do not want to have that conversation.

Luling, please, please do.

Dee74

Yeah you need to have that conversation Luling.

I think this is less sabotage than your husband being clueless - it would have been nice if he had joined the dots from what you've said so far...but obviously he hasn't....we males are often not overly gifted with ESP ...

you're not alone tho - there's a lot of peeps here behind you

D

Sapling

It's time for the light to change Luling....Whether he likes for you to drink with him or not.

instant

Over my time trying to get sober, the various stints at sobriety I have had, my wife finally got it- they don't know what they can't see. The terrible internal struggle. After many tries and conversations my wife knows where I am at, and I have made it clear what I don't want to be exposed to (boozy dinner parties in my case).

I have found the messages have to be explicit and repeated.

GirlFromCO

Call me crazy, but I think it might have more of an impact if you didn't say anything about it and just let that bottle chill there until you move out or the fridge breaks or whatever. Each time he opens the fridge it will be there, unopened, and at some point he'll get it - you are not going to drink it. I dunno what's right for you but that's probably what I would do.

Anna

Yes, talk to him, Luling. He still may not really understand because it's hard for others to get it, but at least you will have told him.

GirlFromCO

Oh wait, lol, I wasn't thinking when I wrote this, but I guess that would mean you would have to look at it every time you opened the fridge too. Probably not the best idea, but I'm sure that was already obvious to everyone else!

Payton

We have such similar situations. Although my husband isn't a heavy drinker, he doesn't believe me (he doesn't believe in or understand functional alcoholism) and often says the bit about "once in a while" and "treating myself" and "one or two drinks every so often is just fine." And yeah, all of that is fine if you're not an alcoholic. I can't do just one glass. I can do a few, but that's because I haven't progressed further yet, but I certainly can't do just one without wanting to crawl out of my skin.

He doesn't get it and though he isn't bringing anything home for me (I specifically asked him not to) and we don't have it in the house because he decided not to buy it to save money, but he completely denied me when I did try to have the more serious conversation with him. I think he sometimes likes when I get a little drunk (though not too drunk) because a lot of my inhibitions and tension disappears. However he does not know the full extent of my obsession and use, even though he'd often tell me I drank too much. The dancing around the subject did not really get through to him, and finally I had to be like "I feel like I have a problem, I am serious" and though we did not use the terms "alcoholic" I tried to be as direct as I could which is very hard for me. At this point it doesn't matter what label he ascribes to you, you need to tell him point blank that you're serious and not to bring anything home for you. If he bugs you you can say that this is what feels best for you right now.

If I'm understanding correctly, wine is your drink - the one you can't really resist. That's how it is with me too. You can't be pouring bottles of wine down the sink every day, see them in the fridge, and expect to be sober. Why do you have any wine in the house? When you had the argument with him the other night you had access to two bottles. Can you just get rid of all of the wine and tell him to not buy any more - and then if he does, REALLY let him have it.

Pigtails

Pour it down the drain to make sure you don't drink it. Since he doesn't like/drink it, it shouldn't matter to him.

Best wishes.

sugarbear1

Hugs

Those regular drinkers don't get it.

Can you re-gift it and give it to a neighbor? Then be adamant with hubby about no more alcohol for you?

Gavinandnikki

Down the drain it would go. I would pour it out. It's your fridge, right?

Then, I would make sure that my husband clearly understands that I no longer drink and that I would kindly appreciate it if he would not bring any alcohol into the house - please sweetheart, do not bring it into the house and thank you so much for your support.

And I mean that. Very calmly, no anger, just firm determination and clarity.

Good luck,
Pam

CraigA

Yes definetly dump it or give it away sooner the better and anytime he brings home your favorite automatically dump it, if you had the flu would sticking your face over a big plate of food help you, heck no!

I do agree you have to be straight forward no passive conversations, we men don't always get it, hopefully he is not doing this because he wants you to drink with him and he truly doesn't get it but you will know in your heart what really is going on.

We have to protect our sobriety because without our sobriety we will lose everything anyways. If he can't understand talk more with your sponsor about actions you can take to protect yourself- if you started to walk in a bad neighborhood you would want to be protect as securely as you can.

Pray, keep going to meetings, and stay in today no matter what happens, you can do this! God Bless you in your struggle, may Him give you strength!