The stakes have never been so high
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
RG - you sent a ripple and shiver through me. I too am the son of an educator in a prestigious NYC private school. I too am 37 years old. Any my mother also is one of the most revered teacher's in her school - to the point of being a draw for the school. I also happened to attend this school as a child, as did my brothers, AS DO MY CHILDREN. In public, my mother is the symbol of academic, social, and educator excellence. But as a child, I could not have drawn a more verbally and physically abusive person. Spankings were more like cage matches, and any and all weapons in her grip were fair game. Seeking her approval as a child, has wired me so screwed up in everything I do now - I am OCD, I harp on things, my resentments towards others are all deeply rooted in fear. In every one of my weaknesses, I have recently been able to draw their correlations to my upbringing.
....But thank god for alcohol. Thank god for the pain it drowned. Thank god I was not the drunk that needed others with me to get my medicine. And thank god that I found the Big Book of AA when i hit rock bottom. Please don't be fooled, my rock bottom was not in the ally way, it was lying in my son's room at 2am, of a very significant home, with a very significant job, with a very significant family. Rock Bottom was when i realized that I have everything in this world - every single thing, and yet, I am miserable, angry, resentful and scared, while drowning my pain in alcohol.
Why do I say thank god? Because I needed to hit rock bottom, I needed to so screw my mind, that my mind needed a reset (step zero). Thank god because god really helped me to try and focus my thoughts and actions on what was bothering me, and as soon as I quit the booze, did the fog clear. Thank God that he prompted me to read the Big Book, when up until that night I knew nothing about AA. Thank God that from my very first day of sobriety was I able to finally once and for all be honest to my inner self.
I am a big believer that God has us experience what we need to experience in the only way we can. My alcoholism was not an accident. It was not a curse. It was what i needed to be able to hit a RESET BUTTON! I am even finding it in my heart to forgive my mother. And not because she didn't abuse me, not because she didn't cheat and destroy our family, but because it wasn't personal to me - she is / was sick too. And the space she had been renting in my head was too crippling for me to move forward. Without my alcoholism, I wouldn't have been able to experience its removal. Thank God for standing by my side.
....But thank god for alcohol. Thank god for the pain it drowned. Thank god I was not the drunk that needed others with me to get my medicine. And thank god that I found the Big Book of AA when i hit rock bottom. Please don't be fooled, my rock bottom was not in the ally way, it was lying in my son's room at 2am, of a very significant home, with a very significant job, with a very significant family. Rock Bottom was when i realized that I have everything in this world - every single thing, and yet, I am miserable, angry, resentful and scared, while drowning my pain in alcohol.
Why do I say thank god? Because I needed to hit rock bottom, I needed to so screw my mind, that my mind needed a reset (step zero). Thank god because god really helped me to try and focus my thoughts and actions on what was bothering me, and as soon as I quit the booze, did the fog clear. Thank God that he prompted me to read the Big Book, when up until that night I knew nothing about AA. Thank God that from my very first day of sobriety was I able to finally once and for all be honest to my inner self.
I am a big believer that God has us experience what we need to experience in the only way we can. My alcoholism was not an accident. It was not a curse. It was what i needed to be able to hit a RESET BUTTON! I am even finding it in my heart to forgive my mother. And not because she didn't abuse me, not because she didn't cheat and destroy our family, but because it wasn't personal to me - she is / was sick too. And the space she had been renting in my head was too crippling for me to move forward. Without my alcoholism, I wouldn't have been able to experience its removal. Thank God for standing by my side.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 42
2 months sober today. AVRT has changed my life. There will always be a part of me that wants to drink, all the time.
And well, that's just too bad for that part. That part is not who I am as a person, and I call the shots in my own life. I will not allow my life to be the sum of catastrophic ramifications of a destructive impulse.
Happy August 9, everyone. Grateful for you all.
And well, that's just too bad for that part. That part is not who I am as a person, and I call the shots in my own life. I will not allow my life to be the sum of catastrophic ramifications of a destructive impulse.
Happy August 9, everyone. Grateful for you all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 31
Your post has really touched me, I'm so sorry you had to go through that - and I really admire your determination to turn things around for your son.
There are lots of different recovery methods, but just as a suggestion, have you read 'The Easy Way to Control Alcohol' by Allen Carr. It's not for everyone but I do it's changed a lot of lives.
There are lots of different recovery methods, but just as a suggestion, have you read 'The Easy Way to Control Alcohol' by Allen Carr. It's not for everyone but I do it's changed a lot of lives.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
abused child here too. 34 years old on saturday. 16 month old baby. wife and nice house job etc. cant really add much but just wanted to say I relate to and really felt your post. its so sad to even think about but the anger is always there too. im on day 4 here and feel good but I can still feel the uncertainty. hope we make it this time.
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