hypochondriac

Erm, yes. If someone loves you then they should want what is best for you! This is often not the case though and even in marriage some people act out of selfish reasons. In this case it seems AA was good for you so you should keep going. If he is jealous that says more about him than you. You should tell your partner what you need and if he doesn't support you then you should do it anyway, because you are important and your sobriety matters more than his feelings.

Lots of love x

losingmygrip

Lfh4555- what you said rings very true for me, he does want to control me, and I let him because I'm so afraid of losing control, and losing my marriage. I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, maybe you think I'm weak or messed up. But I want my marriage to work, I love my husband despite his dark side, we all have one. And I do believe he is sorry and does not want to be an addict. Just struggling with the mess inside my head. Truthfully, the therapist doesn't help that much, and yes $60 is a lot. I'm the only one working right now, times are tight. Anyway, its just sometimes a darkness comes over me, a dark feeling, a desire to annihilate self. I've always had that feeling for as long as I can remember. Usually I pray, meditate, call a friend, be with my kids, it snaps me out of it. Im not looking for someone to save me, but secrets and isolation are the enemy of my sobriety so I came here. All your comments, es&h are appreciated. Just falsely thought that after five years I'd never feel like this so powerfully....

Sapling

Don't drink....Do you think you could talk to him...Tell him you could really use some support from the AA fellowship right now?...I can't live without it.

micealc

You had/have your Disease arrested at the moment...but just.
You need to get back to AA....and Mabie ACA as well.
He does not like AA....thats his problem.

If God Forbid you had cancer and he told you he did not like hospitals
and you should not go there,what would you do.
You'd Tell him go and stuff himself and get as far away from him as possible.
He's sick at the Moment....you are getting better by staying sober.
Love and best wishes.:ghug3

Veritas1

There is no excuse good enough for a return to drinking.

To drink is to die.

What may be helpful for you is to listen to Mark H. Big Book Experience, or Big Book Awakening.

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

You have experience with the AA program.

If meetings attendance causes strife in your marriage, at least follow the program of AA through your own work to help you change what is happening for you now, so you don't have to take that drink.

You can still call AA women to support you. Pick up the phone and re-connect with some women that you can talk with and ask for direction.

Prayer helps me. Be encouraged.

Think of your children.

Be in service to them.

Pray, "God save me from being angry"...as it instructs us to do in the big book.

losingmygrip

Thanks veritas I'm gonna check that out. I like the idea of doing more aa work on my own. Unfortunately I fell out of touch with all my old aa buddies when we moved a few years ago. Prior to that I was going to a lot of meetings every week, even chairing a meeting. I worked on my fourth step but never shared it with anyone. Should I pick up where I left off? Who will I read my fourth step to? I have to figure that out I guess. I think I'm gonna have a talk with the hubby about going to a meeting once in a while. I'm afraid he kind of wants me to drink because it somehow let's him off the hook, he actually suggested we get drunk together on a trip we are planning to take next fall. Mind you he has never seen me drinking, we were both sober when we met and I thought recovery was as important to him as it is to me. But he has never truly been in recovery, I know that now. His recovery is out of my hands. This may sound insane but I was actually a bit jealous that he had been out there getting messed up behind my back this whole time, while I've had to keep it all together, sober and alone. It's been a huge trigger for me. Anyone been through this? Jealous of someone's relapses?

Dee74

Hi and welcome losingmygrip
I'm really sorry you're struggling but I'm glad you've found us.

There's obviously a lot going on in your life right now - I think it's clear you need support - & I really recommend you look for some...don't let others dictate your recovery...not even your loved ones.

D

ru12

Hi LMG,

You could go to a woman's only meeting. . . that shouldn't be a threat. Or perhaps take him and go to an open meeting. If you don't stay sober, you won't have anything left to save.

Really, do what you need to do to say sober. Get help with the depression. I know that $60 seems like a lot of money right now. But your kids need you healthy.

Take care.

reggiewayne

My guess is your husband's addiction to cancer treatment painkillers is causing a lot more discourse in your marriage than AA.

I went back to AA just over a month ago. My one rule was, no meetings on the weekends. That was my wife and I's time to be together. Well, seven days later she left me...

It's been said so many times but what we put in front of our sobriety we lose in the long run anyway. Take care of yourself, if you lose your relationship due to going to meetings that it probably wasn't worth having anyway. I mean think about it...

Best of luck!

Sapling

Start going to meetings...Get a sponsor...Meet new AA buddies.....If you need to go through steps one through three with your new sponsor do it....Finish your fouth step...Do your fifth with your sponsor and keep moving. Not a whole lot to figure out.

I think you need to talk to your hubby about going to meetings whenever the hell you want to. Tell him you are committed to your sobriety whether he is or not. Obviously recovery isn't important to him and his quasi recovery is out of your hands...But yours isn't....Your's is firmly in your hands...If you want to be sober...For you and your kids...Do what you have to do...To keep it.

I haven't been through that....But it does sound insane....You keep going on those steps and you will be restored to sanity.....Sanity will have returned. I don't know about your hubby's....But you have to take care of you first.

losingmygrip

Wow reggiewayne, thanks for sharing that with me. I went over what I wrote yesterday and I'm having more clarity about things. I don't want to go back out there, there's just more pain down that road. Thank you sapling and others for listening to my flawed humanity and not judging. It's amazing what happens when you admit the truth to another alcoholic, instead of suffering in secret shame. I told my husband this morning about having gone to the liquor store parking lot. He was really surprised and concerned. Maybe, I'm using him as an excuse to avoid facing some painful things that going to meetings might bring up for me. Difficult to stop focusing on him and his flaws and take a good look in the mirror. Something about five years, its throwing me for a loop.

Sapling

You know where I found everything that was wrong with me?....In the mirror.

micealc

I hope things are working well for you.

Love and Service to you.