EXM6

So the bender/ruining my life stage is officially over and behind me (thank god), now it's time to just keep it up. I have all my documents sent off to a treatment facility, gave my notice on my apartment, -- now it's just a waiting game.

I've been doing a lot of coffee with friends, walking downtown, and listening to Eminem's Recovery album... When I tell you things like this, I wish you guys knew me... I'm a dainty little thing, who wears braids in her hair, who even at 30, looks like she's 12. I feel like the image of me listening to Eminem would be hysterical, but the album is fabulous.

I've started writing a book about my recovery, as it's tied in with my past, and I'm having a great time with that. I've always been a writer at heart, attempted my first book when I was 8 and started the habit of leaving things unfinished then. Hopefully this time is different and I actually finish the sucker, even just to say I've completed one. Wish me luck.

The one thing I have REALLY found hard, as you all probably do as well, is the thought that I will NEVER drink again. None of my friend's drink a lot but there is still more conversation about it then I ever realised before. My best friend came over the other day and told me about her trip to a wine and cheese festival. I thought how much fun that would be. Yeah, fun until I got home, drank more and made an ass out of myself by calling someone who doesn't want to talk to me... Or even worse, getting arrested again for something I would NEVER do sober. Even watching a show the other night, someone in it screamed "who wants a cocktail..." I want a cocktail. Sadly, this will never happen again. I know, I know, one day at a time.

I haven't heard from my ex or saw him again after that day I posted. He did run into my best friend, and flashed her a great toothy smile. She hates him, he knows it... How obnoxious. I do find myself missing him all the time and sometimes get really frustrated that he hasn't contacted me, but logically know deep down this is the best thing that could ever happen for me. I am not strong enough yet to handle him contacting me yet. I know if he tried hard enough, and his sorry's appeared genuine -- I'd probably go back, and that is dangerous. Perhaps this is the silver lining in me ruining my life -- it has made me entirely unappealing to him. Unfortunately, I won't be unappealing forever and I think he would contact just about anyone on a lonely afternoon. Hopefully by then, I'll be a hellva lot stronger. haha Wish me luck with this as well.

Anyway SR'ers... Thanks again for the support. Your insights and experiences never cease to inspire me. I hope you all have a great day!

Luling

This is exactly why "never again" is such a bitter pill. I can relate to everything you just said.

Your ex sounds like an ass. You will be strong enough to deflect his charm or whatever superficial qualities he has going for him because you are smart, self-aware, and on track. You're going to realize you've been too good for this guy all along, and he'll go down as an interesting anecdote when you're swapping "a55holes-I've-dated" stories with friends over coffee. You just hang in there and don't give him the chance to weasel his way back into your life. :ghug3

crewisms

Great post, exm6!

EXM6

I know, it's definitely tough. I keep telling myself that the fact that never drinking again is so 'depressing' to me should speak volumes. I'm sure when a normal drinker finds themselves with diabetes, the thought of not being able to drink brings a little disappointment but they probably miss a lot of other things more.



Thank you so much for the kind words... I can't WAIT until he's becoming part of my jerk swapping stories haha. All of what you say is completely true, and logically I know this... Just can't wait until it's emotionally all behind me. I am assuming the healthier I get, the weaker those emotions will become.