forabetterlife

As I go through this night without drinking, after a five days on/five days off cycle, I am trying to go through my feelings and thoughts about this whole alcohol addiction that clearly is now such a part of my life.
Tonight I feel sad that I can't drink, irritated, frustrated, and even a little bored. But why? What does alcohol give me that I apparently want so badly, despite knowing what it does to me physically and psychologically? The closest answer I can come to is that it takes me out of my own head: of uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, memories, concerns about all aspects of the future. But, of course, this is just temporary. That is what I need to remember.

What has giving in to this desire to drink and escape done for me in past 10 years? Nothing. I've escaped nothing. Alcohol serves us no purpose besides a very brief (the first two drinks, maybe?) feeling of euphoria followed by...well, we all know the rest. It simply isn't worth it anymore.

Similar to the quote about insanity, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got".

TimW

I've always found it extremely strange that whilst the first couple of drinks are the best, I don't stop there and keep going, even though the best is over.

Sapling

I don't know about you...But I have an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body. Once I put that first drink in me...It's impossible for me to stop. It's only through working the 12 steps of AA and having the obsession lifted...That keeps me away from the first drink and ends the cycle. I don't fight it anymore...That's how how the 12 steps work.

forabetterlife

Sapling...this last relapse started as an "experiment" (of course). My daughters weren't home, so they wouldn't "know". I bought a bottle of wine, just to relax and have 2 glasses while watching TV,etc..You know, "since I was alone, and since that's what adults do, and since I deserve it". After the two glasses, I went to my journal and admitted that I felt good, and should just stop now, get a glass of water and stop. I knew that if I had just one more glass, I'd be over that hill and lose control. And that's exactly what happened. Two hours later I was sending texts I had no business sending and crying about who knows what. Yes, it's impossible for me to stop too. Something just happens in my body and brain where there is no stopping. So avoiding that first drink is the only answer. Obviously, my experiment failed and will always fail.

Zencat

Hi forabetterlife, I see you posted in the past you might give AA a try. How did that go?

Maybe some other organized recovery method would help. I don't know what your recovery action plan (RAP) looks like. I know for myself I would be still living in the streets loaded out of my scull without a RAP.

I know when I'm having difficult thoughts and emotions I go over the recovery tools I have collected. Many of the recovery tools I use can be axcessed on the web at recovery sites. I'll post some links, maybe reading through them you'll find some relief...like I get from them.

Keep posting here at SR to keep yourself focused on staying sober.

Sapling

I know I won't pass it. AA is what has kept me sober for 11 months. The 12 steps are the solution...The meetings are the support...And helping people like you is what I like about it. Works for me and you can't beat the price.

Anna

I had to get outside of my head too, and that sure kept me stuck in my addiction. The thoughts went round and round endlessly.

When I reached bottom, I knew I had to do something different this time. I was so fortunate to connect with a volunteer position which took me right out of my head, and into doing something to help other people. It's the best move I could have made.

I also find that making one positive change in your life/recovery causes a ripple effect. For example, I also made some wonderful sober friends while I was volunteering, something I hadn't really expected.