Never Free, Never Me. So I Dub Thee Unforgiven...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
Never Free, Never Me. So I Dub Thee Unforgiven...
It's 3am, Wednesday morning. As usual, i'm back at work. As is also usual I awoke from my first proper sleep since last Thursday at around 11pm & ate my first proper home cooked meal since last Thursday. You see, pretty much all I do all weekend is drink.
I'm 26 now, soon to be 27. I've drank pretty much non stop since I was 15. My life has also been about the expectations of others & the hopeless task of trying to meet those expectations. It's always been about what everyone else has wanted me to be, not what I wanted to be.
I had no confidence growing up. My parents were always quick to highlight failure. But would seldom offer any form of praise. My wider family were all considerably better off than my parents, there was always the sense that amongst my cousins, I was the 'poor relation' - Not quite good enough.
Sure I had visions, I had dreams. But those visions & those dreams were aways the subject of much mocking & ridicule. Drinking (Initially with friends) became my means of escape. It gave me confidence, it gave me the illusion of being the person, the character that I always wanted so badly to be.
Subjugated by my parents I was at living at home until I was 25. I always worked since dropping out of college. I would go to work, come home & sit alone n my room. Hunched over my laptop, drinking myself into the world I'd created that was so much better than the real world. Hangovers & the effects of my drinking always stunted my progress at work. It wasn't about getting on in life, it was just about getting through the day.
Last year. I had to get away. I was fast approaching thirty. My life had gone nowhere & this just added to a sense of worthlessness, that in turned was a catalyst for more drinking. Six litres of strong white cider in a single night was not unusual. I just got on a bus, arrived in a strange city with a single suitcase & a couple hundred pounds. I had the sense the whole world was waiting for me to fail.
I checked into a backpackers hostel, found a job within a week, a second job within months & at the end of last year moved into my very own privately rented flat. But still I'd drink. It had become such an integral part of my life. This old habit was never gonna die easy.
At one point last year. I went 18 days without alcohol. That for me, was unheard of. My saving grace was my second job, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday mornings. Drinking during the week all but ceased. But that weekends. Every weekend has become one long binge as I still desperately purse the illusion of being what I wanted to be as a boy. Friday nights I will just sit alone, sometimes a friend will sit with me for an hour or two as I tip copious amounts of alcohol down my neck & retreat not my online world. I get up around lunchtime Saturday, have a bath & open a can. I frequently go to work Sunday morning in a frightful state, come home & open a can before I even run a bath. Monday afternoons have recently become part of this ritual, & I fear it escalating further.
It's only recently I've come to the realisation, that there is no need for this. I don't need to drink to give myself the illusion of being who I want to be. For the first time in my life, I'm free. I can actually be that person. Or at least I could. If I wasn't to busy sitting on my own slowly drinking myself into another stupor, spending literally hundreds of pounds a month in the process.
But drinking has become such a habit. The idea of suddenly not drinking is frankly scary. Just what would I do on a Friday night? I've few friends. I haven't the confidence to go out alone. Although, ironically during my drink free days. Clouds seem to clear & confidence increases as I feel more alert & in control... Just in time for my weekend binge.
I've spent a lot of time looking in the mirror recently. I don't like what I see, I don't like who I am. I never actually have. That's always been a cue to go & get drunk. But over the last few days, it's become a cue to do something about it. To take back control of my own destiny, be who & what I want to be & let nobody & no one stand in my way. & that is what I fully intend to do...
I hope you guys don't mind me posting this here. I hope it's relevant & everything. It may come across as self pitying drivel. Probably littered with spelling mistakes as I've just typed it without thinking.But just typing it out & confronting things I've ignored for so long has done me the world of good.
I'm 26 now, soon to be 27. I've drank pretty much non stop since I was 15. My life has also been about the expectations of others & the hopeless task of trying to meet those expectations. It's always been about what everyone else has wanted me to be, not what I wanted to be.
I had no confidence growing up. My parents were always quick to highlight failure. But would seldom offer any form of praise. My wider family were all considerably better off than my parents, there was always the sense that amongst my cousins, I was the 'poor relation' - Not quite good enough.
Sure I had visions, I had dreams. But those visions & those dreams were aways the subject of much mocking & ridicule. Drinking (Initially with friends) became my means of escape. It gave me confidence, it gave me the illusion of being the person, the character that I always wanted so badly to be.
Subjugated by my parents I was at living at home until I was 25. I always worked since dropping out of college. I would go to work, come home & sit alone n my room. Hunched over my laptop, drinking myself into the world I'd created that was so much better than the real world. Hangovers & the effects of my drinking always stunted my progress at work. It wasn't about getting on in life, it was just about getting through the day.
Last year. I had to get away. I was fast approaching thirty. My life had gone nowhere & this just added to a sense of worthlessness, that in turned was a catalyst for more drinking. Six litres of strong white cider in a single night was not unusual. I just got on a bus, arrived in a strange city with a single suitcase & a couple hundred pounds. I had the sense the whole world was waiting for me to fail.
I checked into a backpackers hostel, found a job within a week, a second job within months & at the end of last year moved into my very own privately rented flat. But still I'd drink. It had become such an integral part of my life. This old habit was never gonna die easy.
At one point last year. I went 18 days without alcohol. That for me, was unheard of. My saving grace was my second job, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday mornings. Drinking during the week all but ceased. But that weekends. Every weekend has become one long binge as I still desperately purse the illusion of being what I wanted to be as a boy. Friday nights I will just sit alone, sometimes a friend will sit with me for an hour or two as I tip copious amounts of alcohol down my neck & retreat not my online world. I get up around lunchtime Saturday, have a bath & open a can. I frequently go to work Sunday morning in a frightful state, come home & open a can before I even run a bath. Monday afternoons have recently become part of this ritual, & I fear it escalating further.
It's only recently I've come to the realisation, that there is no need for this. I don't need to drink to give myself the illusion of being who I want to be. For the first time in my life, I'm free. I can actually be that person. Or at least I could. If I wasn't to busy sitting on my own slowly drinking myself into another stupor, spending literally hundreds of pounds a month in the process.
But drinking has become such a habit. The idea of suddenly not drinking is frankly scary. Just what would I do on a Friday night? I've few friends. I haven't the confidence to go out alone. Although, ironically during my drink free days. Clouds seem to clear & confidence increases as I feel more alert & in control... Just in time for my weekend binge.
I've spent a lot of time looking in the mirror recently. I don't like what I see, I don't like who I am. I never actually have. That's always been a cue to go & get drunk. But over the last few days, it's become a cue to do something about it. To take back control of my own destiny, be who & what I want to be & let nobody & no one stand in my way. & that is what I fully intend to do...
I hope you guys don't mind me posting this here. I hope it's relevant & everything. It may come across as self pitying drivel. Probably littered with spelling mistakes as I've just typed it without thinking.But just typing it out & confronting things I've ignored for so long has done me the world of good.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: AZ
Posts: 247
Welcome to s/r. I can relate in some ways of feeling like I am the black sheep of the family. Not fitting in with the majority of your family. Marching to our own drummer and they don't like the drummer that you choose. To deny your dreams for duty to family. Being taught duty first, duty second, and duty third. To hide your tears behind a smile. At least you had the courage to move out on your own.
I finally came to realize that the drugs were not helping me or my friend, but sucking the life out of me. They were keeping me from accomplishing the things I wanted to do in life. This forum helped me to stay on the path of sober living that I have chosen. It has been over 30 days and I haven't missed the opiates and the oxycodone one bit. I can sleep again and I can enjoy food again. I am moving forward.
I wish you the best.
Chrisy
I finally came to realize that the drugs were not helping me or my friend, but sucking the life out of me. They were keeping me from accomplishing the things I wanted to do in life. This forum helped me to stay on the path of sober living that I have chosen. It has been over 30 days and I haven't missed the opiates and the oxycodone one bit. I can sleep again and I can enjoy food again. I am moving forward.
I wish you the best.
Chrisy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 35
I've spent a lot of time looking in the mirror recently. I don't like what I see, I don't like who I am. I never actually have. That's always been a cue to go & get drunk. But over the last few days, it's become a cue to do something about it. To take back control of my own destiny, be who & what I want to be & let nobody & no one stand in my way. & that is what I fully intend to do...
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, TheUnforgiven!
For me, it was scarier to think about getting sober than actually being sober. Once I got through the first days, I felt so much calmer and more positive than usual and things have been all uphill from there. It's definitely worth it!
Make it your #1 priority and you can do it!
For me, it was scarier to think about getting sober than actually being sober. Once I got through the first days, I felt so much calmer and more positive than usual and things have been all uphill from there. It's definitely worth it!
Make it your #1 priority and you can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by artsoul 
Welcome, TheUnforgiven!
For me, it was scarier to think about getting sober than actually being sober. Once I got through the first days, I felt so much calmer and more positive than usual and things have been all uphill from there. It's definitely worth it!
Make it your #1 priority and you can do it!
For me, it was scarier to think about getting sober than actually being sober. Once I got through the first days, I felt so much calmer and more positive than usual and things have been all uphill from there. It's definitely worth it!
Make it your #1 priority and you can do it!
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
In the words of many others you are looking too far ahead. You cannot do anything about what is in the past and you can't do anything about the future. You can only have control over what you do right now - today. It gets you back to "one day at a time."
Part of the problem is the habitual nature of what you/we all do. It is such an unbreakable habit to drink in certain if not all situations. I had to get through each one individually to begin to break the habit.
How do I watch television without being high? I don't know - do it. How do I get through a weekend? I don't know - live through it. Knock them down one at at time.
Part of the problem is the habitual nature of what you/we all do. It is such an unbreakable habit to drink in certain if not all situations. I had to get through each one individually to begin to break the habit.
How do I watch television without being high? I don't know - do it. How do I get through a weekend? I don't know - live through it. Knock them down one at at time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Welcome TheUnforgiven 
I always tended to spend too much time in my head, running too far ahead, rationalising too much and being really down on myself after.
Being part of this community has really helped me stay in the day, stay grounded and be accountable for my recovery
I hope we can help you too - welcome
D
I always tended to spend too much time in my head, running too far ahead, rationalising too much and being really down on myself after.
Being part of this community has really helped me stay in the day, stay grounded and be accountable for my recovery
I hope we can help you too - welcome
D
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Middle of no where, oklahoma
Posts: 2,696
Welcome to Sr TheUnforgiven
This place changed my life.
I hope you hang around cause there is a whole new world waiting for you.I didn't believe it but here it is.
A wise woman told me to stay out of my head alone it is a very dangerous place.
Glad your here
This place changed my life.
I hope you hang around cause there is a whole new world waiting for you.I didn't believe it but here it is.
A wise woman told me to stay out of my head alone it is a very dangerous place.
Glad your here
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