Facing fears
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Facing fears
I'm shaking with anxiety at the moment.
I'm pretty used to feeling scared, and my usual response to that feeling is to isolate myself or drink. But hey, I don't do that any more.
10 days ago I relapsed after 7 weeks sober. At that point I thought I'd thrown it all away. I didn't think I deserved any of the love and support of you guys, or that of my new friends in AA. You are all so wonderful and I felt I let you all down and basically you'd be better off saving your energies to support someone who deserved a chance to get well.
I got such a huge response from SR that it saved me. I literally got straight back on the wagon. I did a lot of crying and soul searching, but you didn't abandon me. I will never forget that.
I stopped going to AA after my relapse. No doubt I've been trying to punish myself for my weakness. I continued to pray and I've missed my meetings and new friends so much.
Today, I've sent a text message to one of the members from my home group. I'm testing the waters. Not quite brave enough to phone, not able to face them head on, but it is a huge first step.
I'm holding my phone and waiting for a response. I can hardly breathe. So scared of rejection.
This is hard. I loved my meetings so much, and need their support so much.
I must sound like a kid, sorry for that!xx
I'm pretty used to feeling scared, and my usual response to that feeling is to isolate myself or drink. But hey, I don't do that any more.
10 days ago I relapsed after 7 weeks sober. At that point I thought I'd thrown it all away. I didn't think I deserved any of the love and support of you guys, or that of my new friends in AA. You are all so wonderful and I felt I let you all down and basically you'd be better off saving your energies to support someone who deserved a chance to get well.
I got such a huge response from SR that it saved me. I literally got straight back on the wagon. I did a lot of crying and soul searching, but you didn't abandon me. I will never forget that.
I stopped going to AA after my relapse. No doubt I've been trying to punish myself for my weakness. I continued to pray and I've missed my meetings and new friends so much.
Today, I've sent a text message to one of the members from my home group. I'm testing the waters. Not quite brave enough to phone, not able to face them head on, but it is a huge first step.
I'm holding my phone and waiting for a response. I can hardly breathe. So scared of rejection.
This is hard. I loved my meetings so much, and need their support so much.
I must sound like a kid, sorry for that!xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 384
I don't think you sound like a kid. I am kind of in the same boat so maybe my perspective isn't right but the right thing to do today is not drink no matter what happens ( or doesn't happen). Just day 3 for me so very shaky here too but if its just this minute , hour , day , my goal is not to drink. Alcoholism sure take s a toll and leaves us full of fear and lonely. First things first is not to drink and then you can be back at 7 weeks , one day at a time.
Good luck and stay strong
Good luck and stay strong
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 153
I was like you and then I relapsed, lost a relationship, realized that each time I was getting closer to death or jail, and DECIDED that I refuse to continue down that path.
That DECISION made it mandatory that I do the work. I hadn't don't it all before... only half measures. I would go to a meeting but not fellowship. I would text and not call. I would talk about my problems but not work the steps. I knew I needed to get a sponsor but I wouldn't. Then... all of the sudden, enough was enough!
No questions asked, my life would continue to disintegrate if I didn't submerge myself in recovery. It's not easy. I have to do things when I really really dont want to. I'm not perfect but I'm getting better.
When I know what I need to do and I don't do it... that's when anxiety sets in.
Best wishes to you!!
That DECISION made it mandatory that I do the work. I hadn't don't it all before... only half measures. I would go to a meeting but not fellowship. I would text and not call. I would talk about my problems but not work the steps. I knew I needed to get a sponsor but I wouldn't. Then... all of the sudden, enough was enough!
No questions asked, my life would continue to disintegrate if I didn't submerge myself in recovery. It's not easy. I have to do things when I really really dont want to. I'm not perfect but I'm getting better.
When I know what I need to do and I don't do it... that's when anxiety sets in.
Best wishes to you!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
Posts: 424
We start. Then we stop. Sometimes we start again. If we're smart and lucky, we stop again. If we're persistent, we keep stopping until we stay stopped.
I'll make a prediction that your group welcomes you back with open arms and you're likely to hear about other folks relapsing. The reason we call it a 24 hour reprieve is because, if we're realistic, we don't know what tomorrow will bring.
You haven't let anybody down, well okay, maybe yourself, but you're going through what all of ou are going through. It can be a struggle. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it WILL get easier.
My very best wishes.
I'll make a prediction that your group welcomes you back with open arms and you're likely to hear about other folks relapsing. The reason we call it a 24 hour reprieve is because, if we're realistic, we don't know what tomorrow will bring.
You haven't let anybody down, well okay, maybe yourself, but you're going through what all of ou are going through. It can be a struggle. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it WILL get easier.
My very best wishes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
She contacted me straight back.
She told me not to beat myself up, and is meeting me tomorrow.
It was as simple as that!!!
What on earth have I been putting myself through. Why do I always think people will reject me if I'm not up to a certain standard?
Big lesson learned.
Can't wait to see her and get back amongst my AA friends now.
I always feel so humbled by others kindness to me.
I wasn't tempted to drink today either, in fact it seemed a bit ludicrous to me that I used to think a drink helped in those situations.
Thanks for listening.
Jen xx
She told me not to beat myself up, and is meeting me tomorrow.
It was as simple as that!!!
What on earth have I been putting myself through. Why do I always think people will reject me if I'm not up to a certain standard?
Big lesson learned.
Can't wait to see her and get back amongst my AA friends now.
I always feel so humbled by others kindness to me.
I wasn't tempted to drink today either, in fact it seemed a bit ludicrous to me that I used to think a drink helped in those situations.
Thanks for listening.
Jen xx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Hey...Congrats on making the step to get sober again. There is nothing to be ashamed of by walking back into AA. People are there because they have had or currently do have a problem with alcohol. Relapse is a part of it for some, not for all, but it happens. AA will always be there to help you. There shouldn't be judgement from one alcoholic to another, we have been there. We are only given one day at a time of reprieve. Be gentle and have compassion towards yourself. Your friends are probably wondering where you are and would love to give you support just like others gave to them. HUGS!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Self centered fear rules us. Our past experiences tell us people let us down. We base today on our past. It is difficult to learn that this isn't always the case. I am glad you texted her and you are meeting with her.
In AA, we learn how to get over this. Pages 62-63 can be helpful.
Keep moving forward, it only gets better!!
In AA, we learn how to get over this. Pages 62-63 can be helpful.
Keep moving forward, it only gets better!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Hey Jeni,
I'm glad you got that text and that you will be getting back to your support group.
We need to learn to stop beating ourselves up over our perceived failures and weaknesses. I am in the same boat when it comes to anxiety and isolation. I know it is hard when the way we dealt with it so long was alcohol, and now that is gone. What I am finding is life does not always give you the reinforcement or clue that you think you need. We need to develop new coping mechanisms to deal with this. What if the member you texted did not see the text for 2 days? Would you have let that keep you from going somewhere that helped you so much?
Sometimes we read too much into the little things and in doing so it keeps us from being a part of this beautiful world. Know that you are a wonderful person and you have important knowledge to share on this forum and your AA group.
I wish you only the best.
I'm glad you got that text and that you will be getting back to your support group.
We need to learn to stop beating ourselves up over our perceived failures and weaknesses. I am in the same boat when it comes to anxiety and isolation. I know it is hard when the way we dealt with it so long was alcohol, and now that is gone. What I am finding is life does not always give you the reinforcement or clue that you think you need. We need to develop new coping mechanisms to deal with this. What if the member you texted did not see the text for 2 days? Would you have let that keep you from going somewhere that helped you so much?
Sometimes we read too much into the little things and in doing so it keeps us from being a part of this beautiful world. Know that you are a wonderful person and you have important knowledge to share on this forum and your AA group.
I wish you only the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
I think of this often: we are neither alone if we have love in our hearts. So glad you talked to your AA friends, and I hope they will be a great source of fellowship and strength. You can never fall to low with love in your heart, we will be here to cheer you on!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thankyou all. AA is so very important to me. I went through so much angst just stepping through the door for that first meeting. I overcame that, and had started sharing regularly. If you knew how scared I am of public speaking, you would understand what a big deal that was.
I met some wonderful supportive caring people and felt accepted. It's just like being with you all, but face to face.
I was so sad to think I might have lost that.
I'm really back on track now, not just abstaining from alcohol, but actively working towards recovery.
I'm going to do this!!
Jen xx
I met some wonderful supportive caring people and felt accepted. It's just like being with you all, but face to face.
I was so sad to think I might have lost that.
I'm really back on track now, not just abstaining from alcohol, but actively working towards recovery.
I'm going to do this!!
Jen xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Don't let your life depend on whether someone responds to a text or not.....
Go back to your AA group. It will be hard but you will be back in the groove in no time.
All the best.
Bob R
Go back to your AA group. It will be hard but you will be back in the groove in no time.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
but actively working towards recovery.
it is people like you who see ya gotta put in footwork to get and stay sober that keep people like me comin back with hope that we can plant a seed and see theres more to getting sober than just putting down the drink.
it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it!!!
it is people like you who see ya gotta put in footwork to get and stay sober that keep people like me comin back with hope that we can plant a seed and see theres more to getting sober than just putting down the drink.
it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it!!!
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