Here's what frustrates me.
 

Why could I go 9 months without alcohol when I was pregnant, but can't seem to make it past a few days now? Why was it "not an option" when it came to my babies' safety, but I can't seem to get to that point for my own sake?

My youngest was born in April 2010. How did I go from drinking nothing during part of 2009 and 2010 to ... this? I thought that my ability to abstain back then proved something.

And people around here say that after a certain amount of time without alcohol it gets easier, but I couldn't wait to drink after 9 months of abstinence. It's part of the reason I chose formula feeding over breast feeding. You have no idea how it embarrasses me to admit that, so please don't give me sh!t.

Oh well, I'm tired and rambling this evening. Having a hard time remembering why I don't drink anymore, but it's starting to come back to me -- the hangovers, guilt, etc. Okay, it's almost 6:00 -- time to go to the refrigerator and crack open an icy cold ... Snapple. Yay.

How did I go from drinking nothing during part of 2009 and 2010

IMHO probably because to do so would be deemed as totally unacceptable by just about everyone.

Where as Drinking when not pregnant is looked on as totally acceptable by just about everyone.

Your doing yourself an injustice - it was nearly 10months!!

Why was it "not an option" when it came to my babies' safety, but I can't seem to get to that point for my own sake?

Mom's are wired like that. Darwin and stuff.

I couldn't wait to drink after 9 months of abstinence

really liking alcohol, for me, was a big part of my problem. That's the part of me that wants to put on a comfortable buzz (something, supposedly, non-alcoholics by definition do not seek to do; whatever) while forgetting what will, eventually, happen if I go down that path with one drink, one night. Eventually I will come to regret it, guarrenteed.

If my mindset was along the lines of, as soon as goal X is accomplished, than I can have a drink, I would be looking forward to it a great deal. My hope is that with a mindset of humility that recognizes the drinking me is an overgrown ******, and with a determination that drinking is no longer an option, I will come up with other things to look forward to in life. Things like ice cream, and laughter, good movies with friends, that kind of stuff.

The only way I can be sure that I don't get trashed--an unacceptable state of affairs for a responcible adult--is to not drink at all. To the degree I am unable to relax or reward myself without that drink, to that degree my problem with alcohol is all the more real, and the harder I will have to work on my recovery.

Yeah, Darwin and stuff ... It's just how it is, I suppose. I can relate to the problem of really liking alcohol. I love the stuff, especially when I can't have it.

Yep, it's all in our heads. I was the same way and the same with smoking. Clean livin during the pregnancies, no problem. I didn't have a choice, in my mind. It wasn't an option. Once it became an option..well...you know the rest. Yes, I would have nursed longer had I not been trying to include drinking in there somewhere, so I hear ya. When you stopped for your pregnancy, was the plan to never drink again? Cuz if not, that would explain why you couldn't wait to drink after 9 months. It DOES get easier..hang in there!!! :)

Nope, I totally planned to drink again. After 9 months of abstinence, moderation was supposed to be super easy. Hahaha!

Good snapple!
 

You know I was justifying the same thing.. I didn't drink when I had both my daughters when I was preggo.. Why can't I do the same for my own health.. I am responsible for my own health and safety right? Why do I continue to self destruct? I recently relapsed.. I guess after 83 days sobriety.. Now according to the meeting I went to.. Even though I walked away and didn't finish the beer I need to start all over from day one.. Soo guess I'm day two.. Well I'm grateful for it. I'm excited learning the new me and happy even though attempted I didn't go back to that life.. Care for yourself as you would your babies.. Sometimes we forget to slow down, nurture ourselves and take good care of ourselves.. Klynn

without a psychic change, i was doomed.

Am a guy, but quit cold-turkey more than 10 yrs ago. After 3.5 yrs, or so, I thought "maybe I am not an alcoholic". So I started back. Mild at first. Kept in check for a year. Then it took me over again.
Now drinking so much and 10 yrs older that I am afraid to quit without medical oversight
Am same was with tobacco.
What I have learned of myself and others through the years....you have to want to quit. Otherwise, you're wasting time. A person has to feel it themselves.
Sorry if this went a shade off topic.
All my best.

Probably for the same reasons there were times I wouldn't drink...because I had sufficient reason not to....

It's a little different to being in recovery I think - then, the reason is imposed on us from the outside...in recovery, the reason really needs to come from within....

That's probably why you couldn't wait to get back drinking, too - you were on a break...not in recovery, if you see the difference?

I really do think you'll see a marked difference after 9 months of recovery :)

D

Thanks Dee, I think I understand. I suppose I'm still trying to learn about the nature and severity of my problem. You make a lot of sense though, and it's reassuring to know that it will be different when I'm truly in recovery. I'm doing it, just wish there were a fast forward button on this.

I love this and totally agree with Dee, Luling. This is the first time in my LIFE that I have actually been in recovery instead of just refraining..it is TOTALLY different, takes work, and you reap benefits and are not just white knuckling in abstinence, wondering and fretting over when and where that next drink will be...recovery sets you free!

By the way, yogagirl, congrats on your day 2. I didn't think your few sips of beer would count as a relapse, but what do I know. Anyway, you're doing so great, especially considering what a difficult time you're going through with the recent break-up. Oh well, I'm right here with you now, finishing off a sober day 2, ready for day 3.

Thanks m5mark, I do understand your point. I want to quit, my lack of control is scaring me, and it just keeps getting worse. So I'm motivated, but it's going to be a fight. I'm not seeing any other choice though.

I did the same. Pumped and dumped every saturday so I could drink for 5 months then one weekend I did it Saturday and Sunday and my milk dried up completely! I was devastated and guilty! I found it weird why I could stop so easily for 10 months with baby. The stress of being a new mum sent my drinking to new levels (daily). Only evenings but sooooo much! Baby's sleep a lot so I could handle the next morning quite easily but now I have a 2 year old I'm so glad I'm sober! They are soooooo energetic and my patience is crap when I'm drinking. Keep trying hun, keep reading, keep posting! All the best :)

I know we are suppose to do this for ourselves but one of my main motivators is still my daughter.

Me too, definitely. I'm pretty ashamed of myself as a mother right now. Trying to do better though.

Morning Luling. I love reading your posts, you remind me a lot of me!
I, too gave up alcohol easily when I was pregnant. You are doing it for someone else then and there is always a physical reminder of why you shouldn't go back.
My drinking wasn't as bad when my kids were little, I could manage it quite effectively when they were in bed early and I had the evenings to myself.
It has got worse as they've got older, until it got to the point of making me ill physically and mentally.
I'm never drinking again for my kids, my husband, my friends, but most importantly for me. That feeling of shame you talked about? It doesn't go away.
It weighs you down. Time to kick it into touch permanently. Hold your head up high, you've got a disease, have recognised it, and are doing something about it. That makes you a GREAT mum!
Walk with me, we can do it together xxx

Thanks, Jeni. I remember your post about car shopping with your son, and it really struck a note with me. I have a good relationship with my kids, I just can't help feeling like a failure when I'm hiding bottles. But you're right, we're getting it together; that's what counts.

I shouldn't be on here posting when I'm in such a bleak mood. I don't remember ever feeling this knotted up inside and hopeless. I guess this is a normal thing to go through, but knowing that isn't helping right now. Maybe I'll go see if there's a comedy on TV ...