Aquarius2779

Hello everyone, new to the board. Just wanted to come here and say hello.

I currently am struggling with sobriety. My drug of choice is cocaine. I seem to fall off the wagon once a month on average. I have slowed down a lot with this drug since I used to do it every weekend, but now have gotten to the point where I stay away from it for weeks at a time, but then every 4th week I seem to get in the mood to go out and "party."

I fell off the wagon recently and I am feeling so guilty.

Another thing that happens to me when I am under the influence of this narcotic is that my sex drive increases to the point where I feel that I have to pleasure myself. This past weekend I did just that, telling a friend of mine that I was going to take a leak, and 15 minutes later he came to check on me and since the door did not have a lock on it, he walked in on me in the middle of my act. I was so emberassed.



Why does this drug do this to me? Why does it cause me to do these things I am ashamed of? I hope you respect my honesty with you guys and hopefully someone on here will be able to relate or know to what I am going through. Take care.

sugarbear1

Cocaine seriously disrupts the natural flow of dopamine. It will take 7 years for your brain to develop new pathways. It's a hideous drug. what makes us go "up" so high will make us go "down" real low in terms of how we feel and act. I'd stop soon or you stop the damage you are doing to your brain.

Why do we do the things we do? Who knows!?

Once a month, maybe figure out how not to indulge and to stop. That is up to you.

Support is here at SR!! Glad you found us!

Aquarius2779

Thanks Sugar Bear. What should I do if I run into my friend? I feel like a real loser after having him seeing the mindset I was in recently under the influence. I really feel that it freaked him out.

EXM6

Aquarius, I have found for my life -- honesty is the BEST policy. I don't know if your friend is already aware of your problem with cocaine, and if they are it might make this process a bit easier, but if they are a good friend perhaps an explanation, and an apology for their discomfort may be in order. I don't know how comfortable you are about addressing the elephant in the room but I know in my life -- just fessing up to everything and apologising for my actions is probably WHY I still have the people I do in my life. People can be pretty forgiving if you're honest, you don't make excuses, and they actively seeing you try to make a change.

Aquarius2779

The only thing is, I don't act like this when I am not doing this drug. Every time I do it, it makes me feel these emotions that cause me to do these emberassing acts. Sometimes I don't do what I did recently, but sometimes I do. It has happened before. Now that I did this in front of people I know, people are gonna probably talk about it. I hope they don't but I know they probably will.

Simply the drug turns me into someone I am not, and makes me do things I wouldn't do if I was not under the influece. I am ashamed of it.

Weasel1966

Hey... I am recovering from coke also. I only do it when I drink but I was doing it twice a week for a long time.

I have been able to stop the coke when I stopped drinking.

Guilt is a pointless emotion. It solves nothing.

I also have a hyper sex drive on coke. I have done very shameful things on it sexually. If your friend is a real friend you should not feel so bad. He will understand. Name one guy that does not do that. If he says he does not he's lying.

I am doing AVRT to help me stop both drugs and alcohol. I am doing well with this method. What ever way you choose know that you can do this.

Put the shame and guilt aside. Those thoughts are from the coke. Let them wash over you.

Start today.

Best to you.

Ken

Aquarius2779

Hey Ken, nice to meet you.

Thank you for the reply.

Aquarius2779

To all of you, I thank you for the kind words.

MycoolFitz

You can only be responsible for yourself, not what others think. Responsibility includes reaching out for support. Glad you found SR. Welcome

Aquarius2779

My behavior was uncalled for. I feel like I have a mental problem sometimes. The choices I make when I am under the influence are not right.

If I run into the people that were with me a few days ago, what do I say to them? How do I look at them in the eye without being ashamed?