Keep Relapsing
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
I was a chronic relapser. I was not done and I didn't admit to myself that I am powerless when I put alcohol in my body. I kept 'testing the waters' to see if I could handle it. I couldn't.
Being honest with myself has kind of set me free.
Being honest with myself has kind of set me free.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
my past is a my most valuable posession. i remember my last drunk. it was very ugly, cold hearted, and nasty. i remember a lot of the gloom, dispair, and misery. i remeber the black eyes i dont know how i got, waking up in places i didnt know how i got to, getting fired from countless jobs, getting evicted from countless places, giving away my belongings to the pawn shop, and the big one is being responsible for the death of another human while drunk( which didnt stop me from drinin).
when the thought of a drink comes into my head i can think it though and i know that all of that will be given back to me. why would i want all of that crap when i am actually living instead of existing and for the most part livin in peace with myself?
for me a relapse would end with a drink. its all pre meditated. i conceded to that after goin on a dry drunk for a few months. went back to my old thinkin and actin habits and came one thought away from drinkin. by the grace of God, i saw the insanity of my thinkin and the fear of my past becoming my present kicked in and i got back into action.
when the thought of a drink comes into my head i can think it though and i know that all of that will be given back to me. why would i want all of that crap when i am actually living instead of existing and for the most part livin in peace with myself?
for me a relapse would end with a drink. its all pre meditated. i conceded to that after goin on a dry drunk for a few months. went back to my old thinkin and actin habits and came one thought away from drinkin. by the grace of God, i saw the insanity of my thinkin and the fear of my past becoming my present kicked in and i got back into action.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Livingston, NJ
Posts: 2
Ive relapsed for EXACTLY the same reasons, I get bored, and feel like I'll drink and start healthy tomorrow. heres a tip. every time you relapse and have a beer, take a 10 dollar bill and flush it down the toilet, literally. also you said you have depression. Ive struggled with it for 4 years and just now feeling better bc I asked my doctor to switch me to Wellbutrin, its a good drug. google it, and maybe ask your doc for it if you need chemical support.
I wish you the best of luck, bc I'm going thru the same thing, but one things for sure, I'm sick of throwing up and flushing my money down the toilet!!
I wish you the best of luck, bc I'm going thru the same thing, but one things for sure, I'm sick of throwing up and flushing my money down the toilet!!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Sapling 
You have to figure if you don't want it...You're not really relapsing then. You're just taking breaks. It's a lot easier to commit to something...When you want it. True?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Ive relapsed over and over for the last year. Im happier and more productive sober....yet I have gone back to tornadic patterns over and over. There is some excellent advice on this thread. I hope you read it over and over. I plan to.
Spiritual Learner
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 165
The only desire is... that is what comes to mind. First you have to reconize that voice inside your head is not your friend! Yeah whatever method you want to use put your energy into that stop asking why or justifying this or that no need to my friend your life is your life we are here to help if possible, that inside voice is the disease or AV or devil or whatever you feel you want to call it it is not your friend it wants you in disarray so you can't make a choice and can't put any real energy into it!
It is hard to come to a sight like this and really not want help, somewhere inside you you know you have a problem and want to stay stopped, just put half your energy into whatever method you use that you use to drink/drug and you will stay sober, just don't give up. I had to come to A.A. because between the steps (which helped me look at myself without judgement), and meetings, fellowship (peopel who were like me and understood what I was going through and I couldn't do this on my own), praying (realizing I needed a Higher Power of some sorts), and service work ( to keep me out of myself so I don't get stuck in self-pity-I am worthless, etc...), this helped me meeting people my age to hang with and ask for help, I needed, but they say try every other way first and when they fail come back 12 step progams does not have the only way to sobriety it is just one way!
Whatever DECISION you make follow that and the only way to jump in a pool is to jump! Good luck on you r decision anmd God Bless you!
It is hard to come to a sight like this and really not want help, somewhere inside you you know you have a problem and want to stay stopped, just put half your energy into whatever method you use that you use to drink/drug and you will stay sober, just don't give up. I had to come to A.A. because between the steps (which helped me look at myself without judgement), and meetings, fellowship (peopel who were like me and understood what I was going through and I couldn't do this on my own), praying (realizing I needed a Higher Power of some sorts), and service work ( to keep me out of myself so I don't get stuck in self-pity-I am worthless, etc...), this helped me meeting people my age to hang with and ask for help, I needed, but they say try every other way first and when they fail come back 12 step progams does not have the only way to sobriety it is just one way!
Whatever DECISION you make follow that and the only way to jump in a pool is to jump! Good luck on you r decision anmd God Bless you!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Bored3
I've been to AA, I've been to counselling, I've told people I have problems - the bottom line is when I put my energy towards being sober, I find it simple enough, my mind just always seems to sway.
I know if I am sober I can achieve anything - if I drink I ruin my body, my health, I become anxious, I have less chance of passing exams and projects, less chance of a career, more reclusive. It's a no brainer - why do I keep doing this to myself?
I know if I am sober I can achieve anything - if I drink I ruin my body, my health, I become anxious, I have less chance of passing exams and projects, less chance of a career, more reclusive. It's a no brainer - why do I keep doing this to myself?
Same old won't cut it, no matter how hard you try, it will always be the same results if you keep doing this to yourself.
You're almost there, you know? So, do yourself a favor, and listen to yourself -- push past all the old crappy trash, and get yourself into unknown fresh experiences and challenges of living sans alcohol -- and when you get bored, go find anybody to help them stay sober too, find somebody who suffers like you do, or did, and help them succeed with everything you got going for yourself. Give it all away freely.
You'll soon not be bored, or swayed, or lost, or in failure mode. You'll be out of operation normal and into operation extraordinaire!!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,949
Originally Posted by Bored3
...why do I keep doing this to myself?
For example, a few weeks ago I wasn't drinking, I was trying to detox and feel better about myself. It was working. Before long, I was eating healthily but having some caffeine and meat. Then I think to myself, "I might as well drink tonight and start the healthy lifestyle again tomorrow"...
For example, a few weeks ago I wasn't drinking, I was trying to detox and feel better about myself. It was working. Before long, I was eating healthily but having some caffeine and meat. Then I think to myself, "I might as well drink tonight and start the healthy lifestyle again tomorrow"...
When I was drinking and not wanting to drink at the same time I was naturally confused. I was unwilling to admit I wanted to drink because the harsh reality of knowing what I was doing (drinking) was in conflict with what I wanted to do (stay sober) and that allowed me to stay confused or in other words have permission to drink.
I can not no longer give myself permission to drink under whatever clever rationalization I can come up with.
Giving up an addiction is not easy. Like a great many things in life it takes patience, practice and persistence to learn a new skill like living sober.
:ghug3 Keep working it because your worth it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 116
Firstly, thanks for the overwhelming support.
This is exactly how I'm feeling - when I'm positive, I know this. The spaces are getting further and further apart, and I do feel as though I'm improving, but I want it now and as soon as possible.
This is pretty much where I am, thanks Dee.
Defeat is a strong word too. I have time and time again thought, "yeah, I can beat this". The only way I can beat it is by not doing it, not by challenging it.
This too. It's so much where I am and what I need to focus on.
Thanks to all of the comments, I have read them and feel much better today. I made myself go out and do errands today, after I finally got some sleep. I did things today that would have been put off, and off, until the end of the day when I would think, "well, today's been wasted, I might as well start again tomorrow... etc."
I walked through the local town today and saw people here in England out drinking and absolutely wasted, stinking of alcohol. I would say it's because of the Jubilee celebrations - but is it really? Or is it just an excuse for people, yet again. Fair enough there are a lot of people who drink to enjoy themselves, I want to be able to be sober and alive, confident and free.
I just want this to be it. I want to be clean and focused on anything and everything. I want to live.
Originally Posted by miamifella
I had to practice stopping a lot.
Eventually the space between relapses got longer and longer.
Recently I had a weekend where I thought it would be a great opportunity to use. I did not want to think that, but the thought was there.
When the day came, falling off the wagon seemed like more effort than it was worth. So even a chronic relapser can eventually lose the desire.
A big turning point was moving away from the comfort of recovery methods that did not work in spite of years of effort. I decided that I would do whatever I had to do.
Just because you have been relapsing for a long time does not mean you will always relapse.
Eventually the space between relapses got longer and longer.
Recently I had a weekend where I thought it would be a great opportunity to use. I did not want to think that, but the thought was there.
When the day came, falling off the wagon seemed like more effort than it was worth. So even a chronic relapser can eventually lose the desire.
A big turning point was moving away from the comfort of recovery methods that did not work in spite of years of effort. I decided that I would do whatever I had to do.
Just because you have been relapsing for a long time does not mean you will always relapse.
Originally Posted by Dee74
I think regardless of what method you use or don't use, you need to want to succeed.
You wouldn't be the first drinker to be ambivalent about your drinking.
I had to look at why I returned to drinking time and again, Bored...and I mean go beyond the obvious 'I'm an alcoholic' bit...
I drank because of my feelings - I was bored, scared, lonely, angry whatever...
I drank because I wanted to fit in/didn't want to be different
I drank because I didn't want to admit defeat - I wanted to drink and have control over it.
I drank because I was terrified of not drinking...where would my respite come from...who would I be sober...?
anyway...you get the idea...thinking about that helped me work out what I thought drinking was doing for me...
It helped me work through some of the obvious BS statements...and it helped me to think about other ways to achieve the results I wanted without alcohol.
It was a start anyway.
I had to do a lot of work to get there, but I needed to accept drinking was not a viable option for me.
I could be who I wanted to be - or I could drink...there was no middle ground for me.
D
You wouldn't be the first drinker to be ambivalent about your drinking.
I had to look at why I returned to drinking time and again, Bored...and I mean go beyond the obvious 'I'm an alcoholic' bit...
I drank because of my feelings - I was bored, scared, lonely, angry whatever...
I drank because I wanted to fit in/didn't want to be different
I drank because I didn't want to admit defeat - I wanted to drink and have control over it.
I drank because I was terrified of not drinking...where would my respite come from...who would I be sober...?
anyway...you get the idea...thinking about that helped me work out what I thought drinking was doing for me...
It helped me work through some of the obvious BS statements...and it helped me to think about other ways to achieve the results I wanted without alcohol.
It was a start anyway.
I had to do a lot of work to get there, but I needed to accept drinking was not a viable option for me.
I could be who I wanted to be - or I could drink...there was no middle ground for me.
D
Defeat is a strong word too. I have time and time again thought, "yeah, I can beat this". The only way I can beat it is by not doing it, not by challenging it.
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
You require a lasting psychic change. A new revolution from within. Like a phoenix rising. Not a better you, a new you!
Same old won't cut it, no matter how hard you try, it will always be the same results if you keep doing this to yourself.
You're almost there, you know? So, do yourself a favor, and listen to yourself -- push past all the old crappy trash, and get yourself into unknown fresh experiences and challenges of living sans alcohol -- and when you get bored, go find anybody to help them stay sober too, find somebody who suffers like you do, or did, and help them succeed with everything you got going for yourself. Give it all away freely.
You'll soon not be bored, or swayed, or lost, or in failure mode. You'll be out of operation normal and into operation extraordinaire!!
Same old won't cut it, no matter how hard you try, it will always be the same results if you keep doing this to yourself.
You're almost there, you know? So, do yourself a favor, and listen to yourself -- push past all the old crappy trash, and get yourself into unknown fresh experiences and challenges of living sans alcohol -- and when you get bored, go find anybody to help them stay sober too, find somebody who suffers like you do, or did, and help them succeed with everything you got going for yourself. Give it all away freely.
You'll soon not be bored, or swayed, or lost, or in failure mode. You'll be out of operation normal and into operation extraordinaire!!
Thanks to all of the comments, I have read them and feel much better today. I made myself go out and do errands today, after I finally got some sleep. I did things today that would have been put off, and off, until the end of the day when I would think, "well, today's been wasted, I might as well start again tomorrow... etc."
I walked through the local town today and saw people here in England out drinking and absolutely wasted, stinking of alcohol. I would say it's because of the Jubilee celebrations - but is it really? Or is it just an excuse for people, yet again. Fair enough there are a lot of people who drink to enjoy themselves, I want to be able to be sober and alive, confident and free.
I just want this to be it. I want to be clean and focused on anything and everything. I want to live.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Defeat is a strong word too. I have time and time again thought, "yeah, I can beat this". The only way I can beat it is by not doing it, not by challenging it.
I won by walking away.
I won by accepting what I was and what would happen if I drank.
D
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
I dont know but it seems your so opposed to things that help you stay sober after the relapse "high" wears off. What ever path you choose it involves work and being with people. I am also a proud AA'er. Never thought I would be , but saved my life in many ways other than drinking.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,949
After reading your recent post I can see you are making progress...maybe that's just me because I an optimist. Just because your not doing this way or the other doesn't mean your on the road to failure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by Zencat
After reading your recent post I can see you are making progress...maybe that's just me because I an optimist. Just because your not doing this way or the other doesn't mean your on the road to failure.
And I really don't mean to put other programs etc. down, I know that they work for some. I just know that it has to be down to me. I accept help, but I'm a very private person and deal with things myself.
At the end of the day, if I had a sponsor or somebody like that and I wanted to drink, I would not be in touch and I would drink, if that makes sense. It's ultimately down to me to control me. If I don't drink alcohol again, if I don't put that drink to my mouth - that is completely down to me solely. I hope I have the strength to do that this time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Bored3
At the end of the day, if I had a sponsor or somebody like that and I wanted to drink, I would not be in touch and I would drink, if that makes sense.
It's ultimately down to me to control me. If I don't drink alcohol again, if I don't put that drink to my mouth - that is completely down to me solely. I hope I have the strength to do that this time
Just getting really sick of this. I feel like I've been doing the same thing for years.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,949
Originally Posted by Bored3
It's ultimately down to me to control me. If I don't drink alcohol again, if I don't put that drink to my mouth - that is completely down to me solely. I hope I have the strength to do that this time.
I don't have a mystical babysitter to hold my hand and keep me from drinking. Ultimately wither I pick-up that first drink or not is up to me. I do need to develop a skill set that will keep me sober and below are some of the resources I draw from to keep me sober. I also make use of the community self-help groups as AA open meetings (I'm not a stepper) for fellowship with other addicts. I also go to groups at a mental health clinic, again for fellowship with others like myself. But at the end of the day...it is up to me to stay sober.
Keep hanging around SR, learn about addiction check out the links.
SOS Recovery and LifeRing Recovery
SMART Tools and SMART Articles
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Addiction Recovery Tools from cbtrecovery.com
DBT Life Skills For Emotional Health Great tools for maintaining sobriety as well. (from dbtselfhelp.com/index.html)
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)]
SMART Tools and SMART Articles
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Addiction Recovery Tools from cbtrecovery.com
DBT Life Skills For Emotional Health Great tools for maintaining sobriety as well. (from dbtselfhelp.com/index.html)
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)]
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
so, Bored,
Nothing comes to mind to sufficiently bring to the surface the horrible memory of the last time you said it would be the last time?? The One step in AA that offers the most help is the 4th step inventory. You do not HAVE to be in AA and working with a sponsor but it helps...do some online research or read the Big Book and 12 and 12 to find instruction on doing the fourth step...just post a "HELP" If you get stuck! Let us know how that goes!
Nothing comes to mind to sufficiently bring to the surface the horrible memory of the last time you said it would be the last time?? The One step in AA that offers the most help is the 4th step inventory. You do not HAVE to be in AA and working with a sponsor but it helps...do some online research or read the Big Book and 12 and 12 to find instruction on doing the fourth step...just post a "HELP" If you get stuck! Let us know how that goes!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spring Texas
Posts: 62
I am going to be 40. Started smoking crack at age 30. I am in recovery and I have had a few falls. I know that although I have had a few relapses the reason why I tell myself I am IN recovery is because to me I know that I am doing good in every aspect of my life because I am not where I used to be living in abandoned houses, taking cold baths cause there was no gas in those shells of houses, I am not wasting the three dollars in my pocket for a 3 dollar hit of crack, I am not selling my shoes for dope, I am not THAT person anymore. I know that I want to be sober and I do all that I can to stay sober. I have had a momentary lapse of reason but thats all it was and although it did lead me to engage in smoking some dope the thing is I caught my snap and walked away and came back to MY NOW LIFE. I could have stayed out there in the trap houses just wasting away and living a life of no cares and responsibilities but no. I got myself up came back to the real world of sobriety. SO yeah I say I am in recovery. I tell myself that although I fell, its ok cause AtLEAST I GOT BACK UP. You too may fall but stop feeling guilty and get back up and tell yourself that this fall is not going to keep you down or make you feel bad, get up and fight harder. Shame "shame". YOU CAN DO IT. I tell myself the same thing when I fall. I just like to self destruct. I know what triggers me and everytime it never fails ALCOHOL will make me fall, so I just accept it I CAN NOT DRINK EVEN A SIP OF ALCOHOL. You'll be allright. Just don't give up . Keep fighting the good fight.
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