Bad news but God spoke to me today.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Bad news but God spoke to me today.
Tuesday, I went back out at 50 days. 
I allowed my negative thinking to consume me and I relapsed. I take responsibility for my actions and I know I must change my thoughts so I do not put myself back in that position.
My sponsor dumped me as her sponsee and her friend which she said she would never do not bc I drank but bc I cannot make a meeting daily. I want to but I live in the middle of nowhere the only person who can give me rides to meetings is my father and he is not available sometimes in the evenings and there arent many day meetings in the area.
I tried to go to a day meeting yesterday and I went but there was no meeting. I guess I have an older edition for the meeting book but even called the AA hotline to confirm the meeting but no such luck. My sponsor did not believe me then told me if she was to be my sponsor then I must walk to other meetings. Now I looked up walking directions for the two closest meetings at night that met at 8 pm and it was a 2 1/2 hour walk to both. I told my sponsor that there are no side walks or street lights I cannot jeopardise my safety by walking on the side of main busy winding moutain roads late at night. She told me I was making excuses and she ended our sponsorship/friendship because I am not committed enough.
The night before she sent me a few texts after 9pm threatening to not be my sponsor bc I was not answering her back and she didnt believe I fell asleep which I did. The next morning she called me up and told me she is mad at me bc I am acting like a big baby and hardly anyone relapses when they enter AA she didnt so I am not committed.
I felt like pure ****. I am committed, I was 50 days sober beating myself up enough over this. Its my mistake and I do want sobriety but I am far from being perfect and I screwed up but as soon as I could I got back into the rooms.
However, I do think God spoke to me today. Last night I listened for two hours to an audiobook on Laws of Attraction and this morning another two hours focusing on GRATITUDE. So, I became aware of changing all my negative thoughts and replacing them with thoughts of gratitude. I then went to a new meeting where no one knew me. People came up to me gave me their numbers and were just so kind to me.
No one knew I just went back out but when the leader asked those who were counting days I kept my hand down and cried. This was a closed discussion meeting not even a newcomers meeting. The room was crowded but this one man started a discussion on gratitude and looked at me and said we all belong here and there is no shame in going out the only shame is not coming right back. I cried harder when I heard this. Then more people were sharing their stories of gratitude and how bad they felt about themselves when they came into the rooms and some had relapsed too. This one lady put her arm around me and remember no one knows me. No one knew that I was just listening to an audio book on gratitude and feeling alone and empty inside. I was also beating myself up blaming myself my sponsor had left me and I relapsed.
At the end of the meeting, the same guy who first spoke gave me a card that read something like "Today look in the mirroe and notice the person who greets you is beautiful inside and out...God loves you...There is no shame in going back out the only shame is not coming back."
I was shocked an in awe. It was like God was speaking to me through everyone in that room. I felt judged by my sponsor but I wasnt judged her and through these people I know God is looking out for me. There are no coincidences. Now I can stop blaming myself and pay more attention to my thoughts, brush myself off and continue with my sobriety.
I allowed my negative thinking to consume me and I relapsed. I take responsibility for my actions and I know I must change my thoughts so I do not put myself back in that position. My sponsor dumped me as her sponsee and her friend which she said she would never do not bc I drank but bc I cannot make a meeting daily. I want to but I live in the middle of nowhere the only person who can give me rides to meetings is my father and he is not available sometimes in the evenings and there arent many day meetings in the area.
I tried to go to a day meeting yesterday and I went but there was no meeting. I guess I have an older edition for the meeting book but even called the AA hotline to confirm the meeting but no such luck. My sponsor did not believe me then told me if she was to be my sponsor then I must walk to other meetings. Now I looked up walking directions for the two closest meetings at night that met at 8 pm and it was a 2 1/2 hour walk to both. I told my sponsor that there are no side walks or street lights I cannot jeopardise my safety by walking on the side of main busy winding moutain roads late at night. She told me I was making excuses and she ended our sponsorship/friendship because I am not committed enough.
The night before she sent me a few texts after 9pm threatening to not be my sponsor bc I was not answering her back and she didnt believe I fell asleep which I did. The next morning she called me up and told me she is mad at me bc I am acting like a big baby and hardly anyone relapses when they enter AA she didnt so I am not committed.
I felt like pure ****. I am committed, I was 50 days sober beating myself up enough over this. Its my mistake and I do want sobriety but I am far from being perfect and I screwed up but as soon as I could I got back into the rooms.
However, I do think God spoke to me today. Last night I listened for two hours to an audiobook on Laws of Attraction and this morning another two hours focusing on GRATITUDE. So, I became aware of changing all my negative thoughts and replacing them with thoughts of gratitude. I then went to a new meeting where no one knew me. People came up to me gave me their numbers and were just so kind to me.
No one knew I just went back out but when the leader asked those who were counting days I kept my hand down and cried. This was a closed discussion meeting not even a newcomers meeting. The room was crowded but this one man started a discussion on gratitude and looked at me and said we all belong here and there is no shame in going out the only shame is not coming right back. I cried harder when I heard this. Then more people were sharing their stories of gratitude and how bad they felt about themselves when they came into the rooms and some had relapsed too. This one lady put her arm around me and remember no one knows me. No one knew that I was just listening to an audio book on gratitude and feeling alone and empty inside. I was also beating myself up blaming myself my sponsor had left me and I relapsed.
At the end of the meeting, the same guy who first spoke gave me a card that read something like "Today look in the mirroe and notice the person who greets you is beautiful inside and out...God loves you...There is no shame in going back out the only shame is not coming back."
I was shocked an in awe. It was like God was speaking to me through everyone in that room. I felt judged by my sponsor but I wasnt judged her and through these people I know God is looking out for me. There are no coincidences. Now I can stop blaming myself and pay more attention to my thoughts, brush myself off and continue with my sobriety.
sobriety date 5-2-12
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
I'm am sorry to hear you went you, but you came back and that is what is important. It sounds like you went to a great meeting.
The whole things with your sponsor sounds fishy. I have never heard of a sponsor (a good one) acting like yours did. Did she ever offer to pick you up or help you find people in the meeting who might live near you to help with rides? She also shouldn't be so upset bc you didn't answer your phone- sounds like she might have other issues going on.
Stay strong, which it sounds like you are, try to get to whatever meetings you can, and keep posting here.
The whole things with your sponsor sounds fishy. I have never heard of a sponsor (a good one) acting like yours did. Did she ever offer to pick you up or help you find people in the meeting who might live near you to help with rides? She also shouldn't be so upset bc you didn't answer your phone- sounds like she might have other issues going on.
Stay strong, which it sounds like you are, try to get to whatever meetings you can, and keep posting here.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thanks guys and no AEO she didnt. I spent the weekend before last and last weekend at her house. She got angry at me for having a panic attack at some event that she and her son were entering while I was surrounded for the first time with alcohol. She was mad I missed her son in his event (once) bc I took myself away for ten min trying to calm myself down. Thats why she is mad and called me a baby and get over it.
However when I first met her she was kind, loving and very caring. She sent texts of inspiration every morning to me and gave me a very inspirational book but she changed over the weekend. I blame myself bc she has a lot of friends and her own sponsor so maybe it was my personality. I am early in sobriety and still obsess over drinking I want sobriety badly I am not trying to make excuses up.
I am deeply hurt I shared a lot of inner feelings and my vulnerabilities with her after she said she would always be there and then she left. I do not think I can handle another sponsor right now. I am trying to stay positive and have gratitude for her helping me but maybe I was just too much for her to handle I do have depression too.
However when I first met her she was kind, loving and very caring. She sent texts of inspiration every morning to me and gave me a very inspirational book but she changed over the weekend. I blame myself bc she has a lot of friends and her own sponsor so maybe it was my personality. I am early in sobriety and still obsess over drinking I want sobriety badly I am not trying to make excuses up.
I am deeply hurt I shared a lot of inner feelings and my vulnerabilities with her after she said she would always be there and then she left. I do not think I can handle another sponsor right now. I am trying to stay positive and have gratitude for her helping me but maybe I was just too much for her to handle I do have depression too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
I'm glad you made it back. It doesn't sound like this is the sponsor for you. Find another when you can. And meetings aren't going to keep you sober. If you do AA the solution is in the steps. Get a Big Book and read it. You can find it for free online.
And most importantly, don't drink. Drinking never makes my life better . . .
And most importantly, don't drink. Drinking never makes my life better . . .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Innerchild,
On a positive note, regarding your sponsor, by driving you away she inadvertently sent you to another meeting and deeper into yourself.
Be careful who you allow in, the steps are your guide. if something doesn't feel right at a gut level it probably isn't, rely on your HP.
Lots of love
CaiHong
On a positive note, regarding your sponsor, by driving you away she inadvertently sent you to another meeting and deeper into yourself.
Be careful who you allow in, the steps are your guide. if something doesn't feel right at a gut level it probably isn't, rely on your HP.
Lots of love
CaiHong
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thanks Cal. Is it a character defect when I and someone else instantly connect and then the relationship doesnt seem to work out. I seem to connect to people who seem to think and feel a lot like me and then the relationship goes south. I need to learn how to stop this from happening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it is a blessing in disquise for ya!! that aint a sponsor. thats a terrorist lookin for hostages.
this is a very good pamphlet on sponsorship.
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
She got angry at me for having a panic attack at some event that she and her son were entering while I was surrounded for the first time with alcohol. She was mad I missed her son in his event (once) bc I took myself away for ten min trying to calm myself down. Thats why she is mad and called me a baby and get over it.
YOU did the right thing. SHE is sick.
now, you say God spoke to ya, so i highly suggest gettin some communication with him goin. i am sure you have phone numbers of others in recovery so start calling!
it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it!!!
this is a very good pamphlet on sponsorship.
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
She got angry at me for having a panic attack at some event that she and her son were entering while I was surrounded for the first time with alcohol. She was mad I missed her son in his event (once) bc I took myself away for ten min trying to calm myself down. Thats why she is mad and called me a baby and get over it.
YOU did the right thing. SHE is sick.
now, you say God spoke to ya, so i highly suggest gettin some communication with him goin. i am sure you have phone numbers of others in recovery so start calling!
it works if ya work it so work it yer worth it!!!
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thank you tomsteve for referring me to that brochure. I realized I cant blame myself but it does sting thinking of all the hurtful things she said esp when she is all about Jesus. I really thought she was someone I could trust.
I am in shock and really hurt right now. Wow.
I am in shock and really hurt right now. Wow.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 321
Two things: one, we're all human and have our faults that we act out on. The program is here to help us stay sober and learn more about ourselves and spiritual principles so that we might arrest our disease and practice the principles in all of our affairs. Two, you might want to consider approaching someone with a lot of time in the program who does practice the principles in their affairs. My sponsor has 27 years and he works for me quite well. Remember, no one working an honest program is unapproachable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Innerchild. I was deeply touched by your strength and resolve. It shows such strength. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.
You were meant to find that new group. They have shown acceptance, understanding and compassion.
You will grow from this. I really admire you x
You were meant to find that new group. They have shown acceptance, understanding and compassion.
You will grow from this. I really admire you x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Middle of no where, oklahoma
Posts: 2,696
hello innerchild
I could relate to your post. WhenI first joined AA I got a temp sponser and never heard from her( recently saw her at state convention,she's very happy for me and turns out it was not a rejection)
I connected with an online womans group and a beautiful soul from the other side of the globe took an interest in me and became my sponser, she guided me through detox and let me know someone cared. We came to a point where she had nothing left to offer and needed to take care of herself. She left the group and I was hurt, I felt a connection. We occasionly chat online and it's all good.
Then along came a strong wise woman met on a recovery forum who literally reached through the telephone and dragged the suicidal wreck of a woman I was out of bed. She helped me learn to love myself and got me into the rooms where I picked a temp sponser because I was told to. I am going over step 3 tomorrow with her. I didn't know her, we didn't click. We are developing a relationship to carry us through.
What I'm trying to say is that along my path there were different people for different times. I am now beginning to build friendships.
Sounds like a very loving group you found.
Sending prayers
K
I do not believe in coincedence
I could relate to your post. WhenI first joined AA I got a temp sponser and never heard from her( recently saw her at state convention,she's very happy for me and turns out it was not a rejection)
I connected with an online womans group and a beautiful soul from the other side of the globe took an interest in me and became my sponser, she guided me through detox and let me know someone cared. We came to a point where she had nothing left to offer and needed to take care of herself. She left the group and I was hurt, I felt a connection. We occasionly chat online and it's all good.
Then along came a strong wise woman met on a recovery forum who literally reached through the telephone and dragged the suicidal wreck of a woman I was out of bed. She helped me learn to love myself and got me into the rooms where I picked a temp sponser because I was told to. I am going over step 3 tomorrow with her. I didn't know her, we didn't click. We are developing a relationship to carry us through.
What I'm trying to say is that along my path there were different people for different times. I am now beginning to build friendships.
Sounds like a very loving group you found.
Sending prayers
K
I do not believe in coincedence
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thank you Steven. Jeni, you are sweet thank you. I should look at my own strength.
Kari, thank you for sharing your experiences.
Ive been listening to The Power by Rhonda Byrne over and over again to help remind myself to change my thinking.
I relapsed but this time I got back into the rooms. I heard one man state his name and say he is a grateful alcoholic. I must be grateful for everything I have and the people who have come and gone in my life in order to stay sober.
All I can do is send love and prayers out to my former sponsor/friend. She never meant to intentionally hurt me she has her own problems she needs to deal with. I cannot harbor negative feelings or resentments towards others bc that is what drove me to drink in the first place.
I must be open and accepting of new people. Hopefully when I become a sponsor I will show someone love, lack of judgement and acceptance.
Thank you all for your kind words they mean a lot to me. I am grateful I did have the courage to post about my relapse and such. I didnt want to share what happened with my sponsor bc I do not like to gossip or speak negatively about others. Ive always tried to look for the best in others sometimes its gotten me into trouble but I have to learn to see red flags before developing such a close relationship with some.
Kari, thank you for sharing your experiences.
Ive been listening to The Power by Rhonda Byrne over and over again to help remind myself to change my thinking.
I relapsed but this time I got back into the rooms. I heard one man state his name and say he is a grateful alcoholic. I must be grateful for everything I have and the people who have come and gone in my life in order to stay sober.
All I can do is send love and prayers out to my former sponsor/friend. She never meant to intentionally hurt me she has her own problems she needs to deal with. I cannot harbor negative feelings or resentments towards others bc that is what drove me to drink in the first place.
I must be open and accepting of new people. Hopefully when I become a sponsor I will show someone love, lack of judgement and acceptance.
Thank you all for your kind words they mean a lot to me. I am grateful I did have the courage to post about my relapse and such. I didnt want to share what happened with my sponsor bc I do not like to gossip or speak negatively about others. Ive always tried to look for the best in others sometimes its gotten me into trouble but I have to learn to see red flags before developing such a close relationship with some.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Why on earth would a sponsor have a party with alcohol? More than that...why did she invite her sponsee to a party with alcohol? Just like everything else there is good ones and bad ones. Im sorry you went through that.
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