Luling

My husband calls me from work today and asks, "Could you put a few beers in the fridge for me?" Of course I did it, I'm not trying to give him a hard time about his drinking just because I quit, but still. And I shouldn't complain, he's been great about staying here with the kids while I go out for a run or walk to take my mind off drinking, and that's been a life saver. Really.

He has a drinking problem, so it's not so easy to just ask him to ditch the beer and wine for a while. He's really great, and I'm hoping one day he'll want to quit drinking too. But I'm not focusing on that; if he's not ready, there's not much I can do ... right?

It's just that I'm tired of seeing it. And smelling it. And watching him drink it. And I'm tired of the way the beer bottles sound when they clink against each other in the fridge. And the sound of the wine bottle sliding across the counter when he picks it up to pour another glass. And I'm tired of putting his beer in the damn fridge when he's at work.

Is there anyone who can relate to this? I'm not tempted by the way, just annoyed at the constant presence of alcohol. I'd love to be able to put it out of my mind once in a while. I'm on day 11 and doing well, but I wish I didn't have to look at/smell/hear alcohol ALL THE TIME this early in my recovery. So tired of it.

That's my rant for the day. I guess there's not much I can do except tough it out, right?

Sapling

I admire your strength on that Luling...That's not easy...I think a few people here are going through that. You just have to go through it and know that you can't drink...No matter what. Who knows?....Maybe he'll like the change he sees in you and join in...Just take care of yourself for now...You can't change him...But you can change how you react to him.

xenoughx

Luling,

Have you asked him about it yet?

Carrie

ru12

Hi Lu. He probably had to watch you do the same things plenty of times right? I don't like being around drinking people either now. How my wife put of with my craziness I'll never know.

There are things you can do about it. Tell him how you feel. Don't buy it for him and don't put it in the fridge. I'm guessing he isn't an alcoholic as he cares that his beer is cold. Warm beer never bothered me when I was itching for a run . . .

steelmagnolia

Sweetie...to be honest... It sounded sorta "in your face to me"! I'm not at all impressed with his compassion and understanding towards you. Is he "fer ya or agin ya" gettin sober? Good love, mags

Elisabeth888

Wow, I could hear those sounds as I read those sentences. That would drive me nuts.

My husband is a daily beer drinker. He isn't an alcoholic I don't think, but we always have it. And he has a liquor cabinet. The good thing is that all of it is in the basement so I don't have to look at it. He can keep it in his mancave.

Can you discuss this issue with him and maybe have him keep his beer out of the refrigerator? Tell him to put it in a cooler in the garage or something.

I feel more comfortable without alcohol around. I can't have it in my face this early in recovery.

Luling

Thanks for the replies --

Carrie, we don't really talk about this openly; it's uncomfortable. We don't use the phrase "drinking problem," instead we say, "not good at moderation."

Steelmagnolia, I don't really know what he thinks about me getting sober. He doesn't actually think I have a drinking problem because he drinks more than I do. Actually, he surely must know I have a drinking problem but ... well, we don't really talk about it. We have a good relationship and talk about everything else, just not this.

BTW, I lied when I said I wasn't tempted.

auden67

I agree, I'm not sure it's the most supportive thing to ask you to chill his beer when he knows you are abstaining. I asked my boyfriend not to drink around me for a while (he's not a problem drinker, maybe one a night at most). Since I'm not drinking, he's not much either. Maybe he's a bit threatened by your quitting, so he's sort of insisting on not keeping it out of view? I would communicate to him that's hard at first, and you'd really love to keep your temptations down, and ask him what he would be comfortable doing to compromise. Make him come up with what he is willing to do as a supportive partner. Hugs!

Luling

Elizabeth, the fridge is a great idea. I could buy a small one for the garage. And the wine could be moved to the study.

Speaking of wine, I did a stupid, stupid, stupid thing tonight. I'm cooking dinner, a pasta dish. The sauce requires a little red wine, and as I added it to the sauce, I thought, "I'll just pour myself a little glass." And then my heart started racing in anticipation -- how messed up is that? I'm doing so well, and stupid things just jump into my mind like that. I should have picked a different recipe, duh. I didn't drink though.

Dee74

A lot of people here deal with drinking spouses...it's difficult but it's not a dealbreaker...and you'll always find support here, luling

Personally I think a separate fridge is a great idea - and asking him to be responsible for his own supply, chilling etc is not unreasonable.

and... don't get me started on cooking with alcohol
Try some non alc recipes

D

Elisabeth888

Kudos for not drinking!

I think there is a sticky on what you can use to sub for wine and liquor in recipes.

Luling

Lol -- I didn't even think about the wine until I was halfway through the sauce, and by then I thought, I'm doing well, no big deal.

So can I eat this pasta? I can just give this to my family and make a sandwich for myself.

Dee74

I'm not going to tell you what to eat LOL - some people here swear they have no problems with using alcohol in cooking and good luck to them

You should know tho that alcohol doesn't cook out as much as people think it does tho
Alcohol Burn-off Chart

If you feel you might be triggered by the taste or the smell, then maybe make that sandwich.

D

Dee74

I used to have a link but they changed it and now include some 'less alcoholic' non alcoholic substitutes (yeah makes no sense to me either...) so I've been looking for a new link

this is pretty good
Alcohol Substitution List - Cooking and Alcohol

D

Luling

Hmmmmm ..... Better not take the chance. It's okay, I make a mean tuna melt.

Anna

Luling, you can do this. Your idea about a fridge for the garage is a good one, and hopefully you can adjust to your husband`s drinking around you.

I never keep alcohol in the house and never cook with alcohol. As Dee said, it does not burn off when you`re cooking. So, enjoy your tuna melt.

Uninvited

I'm sorry to hear that luling. Calling you up to tell you to put his beers in the fridge when he knows you are struggling with alcohol seems a little disrespectful to me. Bordering on sabotage.

nel68

Luling I can relate, when I first quit my husband did not drink that much in the beginning but know that its nice out he will sit on the deck every evening...OMGawd! He will have a few but it is so getting on my nerves! Let me tell ya... at first didn't bother me but lately I seem focused on is drinking for some reason. Plus he will come in to chat(mindless chatter to me..lol) when I am watching a show its driving me crazy. I have been talking to him about not drinking every night even tho he has a few compared to how I drank.....anyways I know how you feel sorry for my ramble.

flutter

Having it in the house is one thing, but asking for you to help him with his drinking is another. However, if you've never really talked about it, how is he to know how much it might bother you? It might surprise you that he is really clueless about it, and maybe he'll agree to keep it elsewhere after you've at least said how important your sobriety is to you, and how for now, it makes you uncomfortable to have in your face all the time.

My husband is a normal drinker. We have a mini fridge in our basement where he keeps a few beers and I think sometimes there's a bottle of whiskey and cokes down there too. Out of sight, out of mind really.

As for being married to someone with a drinking 'problem', I personally couldn't do it. I was raised in an alcoholic home, I am a recovered alcoholic, I've had enough of it. My recovery is more important to me than anything in my life, much more so than my marriage. Stick close to here, there's a few people here that have a drinking (and problem/alcoholic drinking) spouse.

suki44883

I also agree with Flutter that if you haven't actually told him this stuff bothers you, he may just be clueless. In any case, I'd let him know and then see what he does. If he continues on the same, then I would consider that maybe he doesn't especially like that you have quit drinking. That happens quite often.