What shall I do about my parents?
 

First let me say thanks to everyone here for their continued support. I find it really helpful to combine regular visits here with my AA programme.

I want to open a discussion about my parents which I hope may be of interest to other alcoholics and their families. The last time I got really drunk, I ended up on my own in my flat refusing to answer the phone. My parents became increasingly anxious about my situation and in the end they drove up from their home about 150 miles away and used their spare key to open up the door to my flat and "come to my rescue".

I don't remember much about their arrival as I was pretty much in blackout but I do remember them bundling me into their car and driving me down to their house where I sobered up for 24 hours before they delivered me back to my place of work. They insisted I returned to their house (by train) at the end of the working week and watched over me like a hawk all weekend. They also insist I called them every day and spend next weekend down at their house, too.

I have mixed feelings about all this. On the one hand, I am grateful. After all, they did help me break out of a downward spiral and I have been sober since their "intervention". On the other hand I feel rather cornered and constrained. And it was, to some extent, a rebellion against my family's very conservative values which led me to take up drinking in the first place. The other danger I sense is that I turn my parents into my Higher Power, relying on them for my recovery rather than trusting my own HP.

All of this is written from my own perspective as an alcoholic, of course. I may be failing to see the situation through their eyes, and this makes me feel guilty. I have a bad habit of turning guilt into self-pity and then compensating by drinking again. So all in all, I don't want to reject my parents help - I really do value it. But I don't want to become trapped in a co-dependent family relationship which could be damaging to all involved.

E.P. you have wonderful parents who love and care for you. You and your disease have created a situation which they are illequipped to handle, but they are doing the best they know how, just like my parents did for me when they dragged me out of the park. My life had been unmanageable for some time and good parents do the natural thing, and step in and manage things. When I began to get well I ran into some resistance on that front, and it is entirely understandable. They wanted me to get well more than anything and still had dounbts about my ability to do that and cope with life. I had let them down before on many occasions, so it was not surprising they wanted to keep a close eye on me.

But as I worked the steps, they and some of my old friends began to see a change in me, before I was aware of it myself, and as I changed so did they. Forget about co-dependent bs, that's only a name they call people who really care about sick alcoholics. Do your best with the steps and evrything else will come right.

EP...I reckon you already know what to say.

You're an adult, and if there's ever something you need to step up and take responsibility for, it's your recovery....in fact taking responsibility was actually a large part of my recovery, because I'd never done that before...ever...in my adult life.

But understand why you need to stand on your own two feet. It's about you, EP - Not them.

Don't resent them - that's not a useful emotion - it's wasted energy, and you'll need all your energy for this.

Understand them, understand where they were coming from...but don't resent them for trying to do something.

My advice? Tell them how glad you are of their love and support, but let them know this is your job, EP.

You may not have experienced it, or you may not believe in it, but I reckon roughly half the forum could re-educate you on that line of thinking GL....

D

Thanks so much for these excellent replies. I will pray to my Higher Power that he will help all of us recover as a family from active addiction and the impact it has on us all.

Work those steps...That's where change happens. You and everyone around you will see it. Good luck to you.

Just maybe your HP (Higher Power) wanted your parents to be the catalysts in jump starting your personal journey to recovery. Now it's up to you to work on the relationship you have with your HP and to stay stopped.

In the program (steps) of AA, we work on a conscious contact with out HP. We are then granted this New Manager in our lives so we can be useful to others. We are the hands, legs, and mouths of our HP. Our HP aligns our will with theirs. We then begin to live a most loving and useful life filled with spiritual principles. "No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." Your parents were just what your HP ordered, but no, they are not your Higher Power, they were just useful to you (and your HP) at this time.

I also found I was using my family as a "reason" to begin drinking, yet now I see that I had many characteristics of an alcoholic way before I began to drink. Today, I know that to drink means to die, for me. I have better things to do with my time than to commit slow suicide today.

Work the steps fearlessly and then thoroughly, the guilt will leave. Once you have worked the steps of recovery through the first time, try reading Ernest Kurtz's book Shame & Guilt.

For now, stick close to AA and your sponsor and network of friends in recovery.

In time, it will all make more sense to you.

Glad you are on your sober journey!

Peace, hugs & love,

Loving and caring parents are HP's gift to you.
Your successful recovery can be your gift to them....:yup:

Why not invite them to a local AA open meeting?
Then you can let them see we are not all nut cases...
added plus...you can get AA acquainted there too.

Forward we go..side by side

Thank you so much for these thoughtful responses. I am pleased to say that my parents are supportive of AA and my father has in fact attended an open meeting of the fellowship with me. I will see them again this weekend and I will arrive sober and refreshed.