Think about quitting?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 328
Think about quitting?
If you’re thinking about quitting, I pray you don’t follow a path anything close to mine.
I thought about quitting at least 15 years ago, but I didn’t. Intellectually, I knew that I was an alcoholic, but didn’t do anything about it until I lost my business, a job, a house, and my wife divorced me; all in the past two years, all while pouring most of my drinks from the “closet”. Somehow through the drunken haze in the past two years it all became clearer when:
*I put a “sober since” date in SR at least a dozen different times, under various names.
*I’d wear my glasses, rather than contacts. That way nobody could see my glassy, red eyes.
*My chin got a twin, right below the original.
*I accidentally drove a golf cart through a bunker, stopped, got out and raked the sand, and drove off. But I didn’t know that until somebody told me the next day. Lord have mercy…
*I always left a couple fingers of liquid gold in my fifth of tequila at the end of the day so I could feel really good about not drinking the entire bottle.
*I would rotate my alcohol purchases through multiple locations so none of the folks serving me at the counter would think I had a drinking problem.
*I avoided answering the phone when I was drunk. That way the person on the other end wouldn’t have to draw unwanted conclusions from my slurred words.
*I started drinking straight from the bottle simply because it was more convenient. And out of a paper bag so nobody could see what I was drinking, even though nobody was ever in the house to watch me.
*I’d wake up the next morning feeling a little numb, rather than sick and nearly dead after drinking a fifth of tequila.
*I fell off the roof and broke my arm and ribs, yet answered the doctor with an emphatic “No” when he asked if whether I had been drinking.
*I blamed the ugly scent oozing from my body on the food I ate that day, fully realizing that any food I ate didn’t smell anything like alcohol when it comes out of your pores. I know, TMI.
*The police pulled me over because I was swerving into the other lane. When asked if I had been drinking I grinned and blamed it on texting while driving. And when he found the empty bottle of tequila under my seat, I told him it wasn’t mine. It’s a good thing he didn’t light a match, and a miracle I didn’t kill someone.
*My 10-year old girl laughingly called me a drunk when I was tucking her in even though I was sure I had done a masterful job of hiding my relapse from her and my little boy. I walked away, closed her door, and poured the rest of my tequila down the drain with tears rolling down my cheeks.
It’s an abbreviated list, for sure. It wasn’t the first time I poured my last bottle of alcohol down the drain. And long before my body could tolerate massive amounts of alcohol, I too suffered through the horrible hangovers and other things many of you suffer through today. As time moved along the amount of alcohol needed to obtain the buzz increased, while everything else in my life wasted away. I hurt a lot of people along the way, including myself.
I knew what I was doing 15 years ago. I wish I would have listened to my rational self back then. But I didn't. But I did six days ago and quit the following day.
Maybe, just maybe one person can learn from my experience and choose a life of sobriety a little earlier in the progression than I did.
Day 5 is coming to a close. On to Day 6 with vigor.
I thought about quitting at least 15 years ago, but I didn’t. Intellectually, I knew that I was an alcoholic, but didn’t do anything about it until I lost my business, a job, a house, and my wife divorced me; all in the past two years, all while pouring most of my drinks from the “closet”. Somehow through the drunken haze in the past two years it all became clearer when:
*I put a “sober since” date in SR at least a dozen different times, under various names.
*I’d wear my glasses, rather than contacts. That way nobody could see my glassy, red eyes.
*My chin got a twin, right below the original.
*I accidentally drove a golf cart through a bunker, stopped, got out and raked the sand, and drove off. But I didn’t know that until somebody told me the next day. Lord have mercy…
*I always left a couple fingers of liquid gold in my fifth of tequila at the end of the day so I could feel really good about not drinking the entire bottle.
*I would rotate my alcohol purchases through multiple locations so none of the folks serving me at the counter would think I had a drinking problem.
*I avoided answering the phone when I was drunk. That way the person on the other end wouldn’t have to draw unwanted conclusions from my slurred words.
*I started drinking straight from the bottle simply because it was more convenient. And out of a paper bag so nobody could see what I was drinking, even though nobody was ever in the house to watch me.
*I’d wake up the next morning feeling a little numb, rather than sick and nearly dead after drinking a fifth of tequila.
*I fell off the roof and broke my arm and ribs, yet answered the doctor with an emphatic “No” when he asked if whether I had been drinking.
*I blamed the ugly scent oozing from my body on the food I ate that day, fully realizing that any food I ate didn’t smell anything like alcohol when it comes out of your pores. I know, TMI.
*The police pulled me over because I was swerving into the other lane. When asked if I had been drinking I grinned and blamed it on texting while driving. And when he found the empty bottle of tequila under my seat, I told him it wasn’t mine. It’s a good thing he didn’t light a match, and a miracle I didn’t kill someone.
*My 10-year old girl laughingly called me a drunk when I was tucking her in even though I was sure I had done a masterful job of hiding my relapse from her and my little boy. I walked away, closed her door, and poured the rest of my tequila down the drain with tears rolling down my cheeks.
It’s an abbreviated list, for sure. It wasn’t the first time I poured my last bottle of alcohol down the drain. And long before my body could tolerate massive amounts of alcohol, I too suffered through the horrible hangovers and other things many of you suffer through today. As time moved along the amount of alcohol needed to obtain the buzz increased, while everything else in my life wasted away. I hurt a lot of people along the way, including myself.
I knew what I was doing 15 years ago. I wish I would have listened to my rational self back then. But I didn't. But I did six days ago and quit the following day.
Maybe, just maybe one person can learn from my experience and choose a life of sobriety a little earlier in the progression than I did.
Day 5 is coming to a close. On to Day 6 with vigor.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Brilliant post crewisms. I too have been in denial for many many years.
It feels great to chuck all that nonsense away, stand up and be accountable to ourselves finally.
I'm on day 5. Also feeling positive about the future, and it feels great to be sharing it with so many like minded people.
Thankyou x
It feels great to chuck all that nonsense away, stand up and be accountable to ourselves finally.
I'm on day 5. Also feeling positive about the future, and it feels great to be sharing it with so many like minded people.
Thankyou x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Thanks so much for this list. My sponsor asked me to draw up something similar as part of my Step One. I did so but still ended up relapsing on a number of occassions. Like you, I am back to the beginning. I've done eight days without a drink now. I've been to meetings pretty much every day but I haven't written an updated unmageability list. Perhaps I should.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
I quit April 21st this year so I'm new here. I relate to the tolerance with no hangover the last few months. That's what scared me and I was afraid of dying in my sleep. Make it a go this time, ok? Watch out for that addictive voice. It can be tricky. keep connecting here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by crewisms 
Maybe, just maybe one person can learn from my experience and choose a life of sobriety a little earlier in the progression than I did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by Sapling
I think a lot of us can relate to your story...I know I can. Except for changing my name here. I was 5 months sober when I found this site. Like you..I chose a life of sobriety many times....And then did nothing about it. I don't see anything in your post about what you are doing different...Other than a new name and a new sobriety date here.
Beyond posting in SR for the first time, the biggest difference are that I’ve chosen to be open about my alcoholism with my friends, family and co-workers and actively engaged in helping others do the same, rather than live a life of selfishness (in all facets of life) that was contained every bottle of tequila or any other alcohol I consumed.
And rather than dive into and obsessing about any singular method of obtaining and retaining sobriety, I’m using what works for me from AA, AVRT, Christianity and any other source I can find that fits my personality and my belief system.
For now, what has helped the most is embracing how I became a one-man, under-the-influence wrecking crew and taking steps to change that going forward, and probably more important, for the first time in my life I’m asking for help with my addiction, often through SR.
Day 6 begins with vigor and commitment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 79
Crewisms
Bless you for writing that.
It took courage and strength and I have no doubt it will tip it (not the bottle) for someone on the edge of quitting or not.
I too am onto day 6 tomorrow "with vigor and commitment"
Bless you for writing that.
It took courage and strength and I have no doubt it will tip it (not the bottle) for someone on the edge of quitting or not.
I too am onto day 6 tomorrow "with vigor and commitment"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 173
Thatnks for your post. I will never forget the misery of my last drink, it keeps me sober-that, and turning it over to God each day before my feet hit the ground- and thanking Him at the end of the day for not letting me pick it back up. This is the program that has kept me sober since Nov.1, 2010 one day at a time.
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