Do I have to hit rock bottom?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 221
Do I have to hit rock bottom?
This always felt like a stupid question to me, My mom didn't hit rock bottom, shes 19 years sober. So my answer was no. I had 30 days sober and I was proving that you didn't have to everyday I stayed clean. Eventually I relapsed. Many relapses followed and I never beat myself up. Now today I am overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt.
My life was unmanageable and miserable, and still is most of the time. I've done a lot of bad things to other people and myself. My family doesn't trust me anymore. I've worn them out with my addiction, the next step for my addiction is getting thrown out of their home and worse. I guess I'm what you would call a "high bottom addict". But I was so low for so long, I've been through some very trying times and I have suffered a great deal of emotional pain for someone my age. I think its enough for anyone to ask for help like I did and take the path I have taken since March 2012. Its been a journey, I felt a confidence that I haven't felt in a long time, now that's all gone.
Now I don't know where I'm at. I'm doing the AA program with a sponsor, or rather I'm forcing myself to do it in hopes that something changes. This weekend was insanity, Sure I had fun but I took some big risks. I ran the gambit on Sunday at a BBQ on a friends lake. That day I had morphine for breakfast, klonopin for lunch, klonopin and lots of alcohol for dinner, and a pot brownie for desert. When 2am rolls around I have a half an hour drive home and I'm pretty well intoxicated as you could imagine. I could have stayed the night at my friends but I hardly ever do when I'm drunk. I end up getting lost, there were police everywhere that night. Tailing me at times, it was scary. Somehow 1 hour later I managed to get home. I remember praying another ******** get me out of this one and I'm done, but I did thank my HP for getting me home safely. Tomorrow would be a better day, and I would set things right.
Yesterday I had another BBQ I could go to. I woke up thinking about how much fun I had the night before swimming on the lake and talking with friends. Not at all thinking about the drive home that could have so easily ended in disaster. So I went to this BBQ and I drank all day, we went out on the boat and went swimming and had a good time. After I sobered up some I went home that evening. Before I left a very close friend of mine said something to me. He said something like "Take it easy man, I just want to make sure you are going in the right direction" I was all yeah yeah yeah I know. I got home and I thought about what he said, it brought me straight back down to earth. Somebody other than myself recognizing my behavior actually made me think about it. I'm so good at forgetting the bad things, its like I can block it out. But someone else recognizing it hit home.
Today I am absolutely gutted. This emotional pain in my stomach makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. What have I been doing these past weeks. Seriously why can't I commit to this ****, what do I have to lose in my life until enough becomes enough. Am I destined to continue down this road?
I don't feel worthy posting and chatting on here anymore, I feel like "that guy". I keep coming back after relapsing and now I'm that flakey *******. I like this place and these people so much. I could use honest advice today. I don't know I just need to hear something. I apologize if I'm rambling, but I have to get this off my chest.
My life was unmanageable and miserable, and still is most of the time. I've done a lot of bad things to other people and myself. My family doesn't trust me anymore. I've worn them out with my addiction, the next step for my addiction is getting thrown out of their home and worse. I guess I'm what you would call a "high bottom addict". But I was so low for so long, I've been through some very trying times and I have suffered a great deal of emotional pain for someone my age. I think its enough for anyone to ask for help like I did and take the path I have taken since March 2012. Its been a journey, I felt a confidence that I haven't felt in a long time, now that's all gone.
Now I don't know where I'm at. I'm doing the AA program with a sponsor, or rather I'm forcing myself to do it in hopes that something changes. This weekend was insanity, Sure I had fun but I took some big risks. I ran the gambit on Sunday at a BBQ on a friends lake. That day I had morphine for breakfast, klonopin for lunch, klonopin and lots of alcohol for dinner, and a pot brownie for desert. When 2am rolls around I have a half an hour drive home and I'm pretty well intoxicated as you could imagine. I could have stayed the night at my friends but I hardly ever do when I'm drunk. I end up getting lost, there were police everywhere that night. Tailing me at times, it was scary. Somehow 1 hour later I managed to get home. I remember praying another ******** get me out of this one and I'm done, but I did thank my HP for getting me home safely. Tomorrow would be a better day, and I would set things right.
Yesterday I had another BBQ I could go to. I woke up thinking about how much fun I had the night before swimming on the lake and talking with friends. Not at all thinking about the drive home that could have so easily ended in disaster. So I went to this BBQ and I drank all day, we went out on the boat and went swimming and had a good time. After I sobered up some I went home that evening. Before I left a very close friend of mine said something to me. He said something like "Take it easy man, I just want to make sure you are going in the right direction" I was all yeah yeah yeah I know. I got home and I thought about what he said, it brought me straight back down to earth. Somebody other than myself recognizing my behavior actually made me think about it. I'm so good at forgetting the bad things, its like I can block it out. But someone else recognizing it hit home.
Today I am absolutely gutted. This emotional pain in my stomach makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. What have I been doing these past weeks. Seriously why can't I commit to this ****, what do I have to lose in my life until enough becomes enough. Am I destined to continue down this road?
I don't feel worthy posting and chatting on here anymore, I feel like "that guy". I keep coming back after relapsing and now I'm that flakey *******. I like this place and these people so much. I could use honest advice today. I don't know I just need to hear something. I apologize if I'm rambling, but I have to get this off my chest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
You're as normal as the rest of us Dispatches....I think you just have to get to the point where you want it bad enough you won't put yourself in situations like you just did. It's all about change. When I got to AA...The only thing I wasn't willing to change was my sobriety date. And I haven't....yet.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
You'll know when it's time to tap out ...time to commit to AA.
You know the difference between committed and involved ??......
It's like a bacon and egg breakfast.. the chicken is involved and the pig is committed.
All the best to you.
Bob R
You know the difference between committed and involved ??......
It's like a bacon and egg breakfast.. the chicken is involved and the pig is committed.
All the best to you.
Bob R
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Dispatches - You didn't ramble. We get it, & we know it's complicated. There's no reason to stay away. We're here to help you figure it out. I drank for a few months after joining, gathering the courage and strength to make the big change. Finally, I was convinced that I needed to give up the idea of drinking socially. Stay here and share your thoughts. We care about you.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hey Dispatches
It's tough making that decision to really commit to sobriety. I spent years thinking I'll do it tomorrow. It's early days for me (40 days) but for me the giving up has actually, so far, been much easier than making the decision to absolutely commit to giving up. I found it really hard to come to terms with letting go of alcohol.
Keep on posting - lots of us will know what it's like in that period between intellectually knowing you need to give up and emotionally being able to accept and even enthusiastically embrace it.
It's tough making that decision to really commit to sobriety. I spent years thinking I'll do it tomorrow. It's early days for me (40 days) but for me the giving up has actually, so far, been much easier than making the decision to absolutely commit to giving up. I found it really hard to come to terms with letting go of alcohol.
Keep on posting - lots of us will know what it's like in that period between intellectually knowing you need to give up and emotionally being able to accept and even enthusiastically embrace it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Hey Dispatches,
Your post is heartbreaking to me. I remember feeling that way almost a year ago.
First off, please don't drive when you're impaired. You may not be finished with this yet but you certainly don't want your "bottom" to be an incident where you involve an innocent stranger and another family. Let's try to limit the destruction you're doing to your own life and your own family. Nobody else deserves to be dragged into this, you know?
I can't remember how many times I woke up with the same hopeless feelings you have right now. There were lots of times my friends told me to take it easy - eventually I just started drinking at home so I didn't have to hear it. I decided to quit all the way back in 2009 and then continued to drink until June 2011. I know how it feels to feel like it's never going to be over.
Do you remember how you felt when you had 30 days sober? It's possible to get back there again, and well beyond that point also. Use that feeling as a beacon in the darkness you're feeling now. You've done it before and you can do it again. Remember how good it felt to start down a different path. There's no reason you can't do that again. There's no reason for you to EVER go back to where you were this morning.
Your post is heartbreaking to me. I remember feeling that way almost a year ago.
First off, please don't drive when you're impaired. You may not be finished with this yet but you certainly don't want your "bottom" to be an incident where you involve an innocent stranger and another family. Let's try to limit the destruction you're doing to your own life and your own family. Nobody else deserves to be dragged into this, you know?
I can't remember how many times I woke up with the same hopeless feelings you have right now. There were lots of times my friends told me to take it easy - eventually I just started drinking at home so I didn't have to hear it. I decided to quit all the way back in 2009 and then continued to drink until June 2011. I know how it feels to feel like it's never going to be over.
Do you remember how you felt when you had 30 days sober? It's possible to get back there again, and well beyond that point also. Use that feeling as a beacon in the darkness you're feeling now. You've done it before and you can do it again. Remember how good it felt to start down a different path. There's no reason you can't do that again. There's no reason for you to EVER go back to where you were this morning.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
Dispatches, you sound alot like me.
Look at some of my old posts. I felt like "that guy" for a long time too.
Maybe it's time to end the debate in your head. Acceptance ain't easy, but once you get there, it makes all the difference.
I personally don't like the idea of "rock bottom", because there's always another bottom.
I won't bore you with the gory details of my story, but this thing of ours is absolutely progressive.
Anyway, we get it, and you are not alone. There's help out there.
take care,
-SD
Look at some of my old posts. I felt like "that guy" for a long time too.
Maybe it's time to end the debate in your head. Acceptance ain't easy, but once you get there, it makes all the difference.
I personally don't like the idea of "rock bottom", because there's always another bottom.
I won't bore you with the gory details of my story, but this thing of ours is absolutely progressive.
Anyway, we get it, and you are not alone. There's help out there.
take care,
-SD
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
We didn't create a pile of poop in one night, it won't go away in one day. Start a journal, it's always helpful and helps to get a lot of the dirt out. Reach out for someone with a day less than you. It does help to help someone else and it's never too early to start.
Been there. Right where you are. In some ways, I'm still there....(completely dysfunctional family---my aunt told my sister my cousin had a cocaine problem 7 years ago, but if you look at her FB page, she's on a constant drink/drunk fest, but they think she's okay, and I'm sober, but still the jerk), anyway, don't beat yourself up. Stay sober one day at a time, things can be changed one day at a time.
I feel your pain.
Hugs & love,
Been there. Right where you are. In some ways, I'm still there....(completely dysfunctional family---my aunt told my sister my cousin had a cocaine problem 7 years ago, but if you look at her FB page, she's on a constant drink/drunk fest, but they think she's okay, and I'm sober, but still the jerk), anyway, don't beat yourself up. Stay sober one day at a time, things can be changed one day at a time.
I feel your pain.
Hugs & love,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 328
Dispatches -- There wasn't any "rock bottom" for me, per se. My journey was somewhat like getting banged up on the bottom of a river for over 15 years, only occasionally coming up for air. I'd shoot through rapids below rather than on the surface, face bloodied and body and soul bruised by the constant barrage of hitting rocks and challenges of all shapes and sizes. Calmer waters would having me feeling more confident and give me a false sense of control, and in a second, with a little sip, I’d find myself crashing to the bottom of a waterfall, yet again. For me, it was a massively rocky bottom with a lot of major plunges. I don’t recommend that approach :-)
Whenever I broke my sobriety it was because I always put myself in a position to do so. I knew exactly what I was doing and chose to do nothing about it, that is until my 10-year old daughter called me a drunk. I finally got it. Perhaps you, too, can use the words of somebody else to finally emotionally accept where you are – the words of your friend. And perhaps, one moment at a time, you can work to avoid situations that may not be healthy for you.
Many of us have been right where you are intellectually and emotionally. Whether sober or not, stay with us.
P.S. I’m on Day 5. Again. But I’m not going to drink today.
Whenever I broke my sobriety it was because I always put myself in a position to do so. I knew exactly what I was doing and chose to do nothing about it, that is until my 10-year old daughter called me a drunk. I finally got it. Perhaps you, too, can use the words of somebody else to finally emotionally accept where you are – the words of your friend. And perhaps, one moment at a time, you can work to avoid situations that may not be healthy for you.
Many of us have been right where you are intellectually and emotionally. Whether sober or not, stay with us.
P.S. I’m on Day 5. Again. But I’m not going to drink today.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 13
Dispatches, I am on day 1 today and struggling..I am just a mom with a drinking problem (champagne and oj my wine of choice). What led me to try to stop again, wasn't a bottom recently it was being in a court room because my son got a DUI. Luckily, he didn't hurt anyone but we saw a person in there that had hurt a whole family in an accident even a baby. I thought my "rules" protected me (I don't drink and drive) but saw myself in that person being sentenced and 130,000 dollar bail. It "woke" me up to myself and what I have become over the years and how I am "not" really living the life I can live. I am not even sure what that looks like, this other life. As a mom and new friend, maybe we can help each other stay strong..I could sure use help too! Stay put if you do use or drink, but I think you are ready to stop..check in to a in-patient if you think you need it..Ask for help from your family/friends too! 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Dispaches.
Your post really touched me because I understand you completely.
I think wanting to quit has to become the number 1 priority in your life, more important than seeing friends and going on BBQs.
You have to want it so badly that you will go to any lengths, and listen to other alcoholics advice on what has worked for them.
You made 30 days, that felt good.
Today you feel only negative emotions, and have put yourself and others at serious risk by driving.
Which of those feelings would you prefer to aspire to for the rest of your life.
I'm only on day 4 after a disastrous Friday last week and I spent the weekend feeling pretty much like you do now.
Let's do this together, lean on each other for support. We can do this xx
Your post really touched me because I understand you completely.
I think wanting to quit has to become the number 1 priority in your life, more important than seeing friends and going on BBQs.
You have to want it so badly that you will go to any lengths, and listen to other alcoholics advice on what has worked for them.
You made 30 days, that felt good.
Today you feel only negative emotions, and have put yourself and others at serious risk by driving.
Which of those feelings would you prefer to aspire to for the rest of your life.
I'm only on day 4 after a disastrous Friday last week and I spent the weekend feeling pretty much like you do now.
Let's do this together, lean on each other for support. We can do this xx
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