cllwdo

My boyfriend is currently in treatment/recovery for alcohol. He just told me that he was told that he needed to write an ammends letter to his ex because he is angry that she didn't stop drinking while they were together, even though he had been in treatment previously while they were married. So I guess he partly blames her for being back in recovery. Am I being selfish/ridiculous to feel concerned with this? It makes me feel like he is angry with her or makes me wonder if he is just upset that she didn't stop and then they didn't work out. I know he had started drinking again 6 months before they split so I don't know that that is the sole reason they divorced but it just makes me a little insecure about his anger... And im not sure how or if I should address this? I don't want to cause any unnecessary stress or frustration on him right now.

jobei

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

It's part of letting go and surrendering.

Inca

I don't think you have much to worry about. It's part of the amends process to forgive and come to terms with what has happened in the past. Everyone's different but I'd be surprised if an ex did not show up on the list as part of the amends process. It's more about letting go than trying to rekindle a relationship. It might be difficult right now, but letting him run his program may be the best way you can give support. It's also recommended that people don't share their lists of resentments with loved ones for this reason. It can make others uncomfortable.

Mark75

Was she harmed?

cllwdo

No, she was not harmed. She just wouldn't quit drinking in front of him and I guess he is angry at her for that.

cllwdo

Sorry I am learning how these threads work.....
No, she was not harmed. He is just angry that despite her knowing that he was recovering frm alcohol addiction, she continued to drink in front of him.

Mark75

Well, neither you or I can, or should, "work his program" for him... I did my step work with others in AA, not my wife... so much gets misunderstood by spouses and... a lot of times spouses don't have all the information necessary to understand.

For your general information only... anger (resentment) gets worked on in step four and five... often we find that our resentments may have caused harm, even, well, especially, to those we resent(ed)... and amends are steps 8 and 9.

I would recommend that you give him lots of space, maybe express how hearing about his resentments and amends is confusing and upsetting to you and maybe... that's best discussed with his sponsor?

You worry about you...

BTW.. my wife, not alcoholic, nor even a heavy drinker, drinks in front of me... has since the day I quit.... people drink, how I react to that is what is important.

Hang in there, It gets easier!!

steelmagnolia

This is his stuff right now and, as hard as it is to step back from it...you have to. Inserting yourself into this will only land you in a bad place. Let it be. Good love...mags

Dee74

I don't think you're being selfish or ridiculous - just human.

I think all this says tho is your partner thinks he has an amends to make and he's doing his best to do that - it's for the good of his recovery

Maybe this is about closure - closing old doors and starting new chapters than it is about lingering regrets?

D

onlythetruth

He is doing his best to deal with his emotions and feelings. Often writing them out, as in an "amends" letter, can be helpful. This really has nothing to do with you.

Keep in mind that there's a difference between writing a letter and sending it. I cannot tell you the number of letters my therapist had me write when I was in early recovery. She didn't want me to send any of them, and I never did. Where I needed to attempt to repair a relationship, I did so in person.

SOBERINNEPA

Ditto.

Writing does NOT equal sending.

You don't want to read what's in his journal either.

sugarbear1

I don't understand how he's on step 9 while still in rehab. Most don't take you past step 4, as a sponsor is needed for step work and it will continue during a lifetime of personal growth. The steps are in order for a reason. An apology letter is not always the best amends. Step 5 gets us out of self and selfishness and hopefully gets us to see things in others' shoes. Being upset with another and then apologizing is a bit ludicrous to me. It just doesn't sound as if he's done a fearless and thorough step 5.

I hope he works hard for his continued sobriety.

Are you in Al Anon? It may help you.
Peace,

jobei

Yea sugarbear I was wondering the same thing. A lot of rehabs use "AA" related methods in their own structure based on the counsellor's "opinion" of what should be done and in which order. I find that using the steps the way they are written and in that order works well... but to each their own right?

sugarbear1

"He just told me that he was told that he needed to write an ammends letter to his ex because he is angry that she didn't stop drinking while they were together,"

Again, it does depend on the purpose of this exercise. Hopefully it won't be sent to her.

If he worked the 5th step, this wouldn't even be a concern...I mean, they were married, I would think there were other issues he would need to make amends for instead of his own selfishness. The amends is not really to make US feel better, but to know how the other person felt at the time and to let them know we are remorseful. Of course, she's an ex for a reason. Unless he was very verbally and/or physically abusive, then there would be another amends, again, it doesn't sound right. Maybe it's to understand his feelings only.

I'd still get to Al Anon, if you choose to stick with this male. Work on yourself and allow him to recover on his own. There's nothing you can do to make his recovery any more successful, it's up to him to do the real work.

Yeah, I really need to work on my opinionated self, don't I??

Take care!

omegasupreme

Austin is a hot bed of enthusiasm when it comes to 12 step recovery whether it's in the treatment centers, meetings for the alcoholic/addict, or the family and loved ones involved.

What measures are you taking for your own recovery?