Dee74

I enjoyed drinking too...until I didn't...and then for the last 7 years of my drinking I found I couldn't stop.

As long as my drinking remained a viable option, as long as I clung to romatic notions of drinking, and my pros were a match for the cons, it was hard to quit.

The idea of not drinking anymore horrified me too - and terrified me - but the fear of it was much much worse than the reality of quitting...quitting freed me....it was hard, but not onerous.

Noone here would be sober if they lost on the deal.
I wish I'd quit sooner.

I hope you'll decide to give it a go sooner than later, oinobares

D

oinobares

My wife hid the bottles from me. I'm not about to turn the house upside down looking for them. I suppose I drank too much last night. We had guests, and there was no drama whatsoever, but my wife knows precisely when I "cross over." I made ribs on the grill, and I guess I just took too many passes through the basement beer fridge. I feel very afflicted. In the roughly 90 days I went dry, I was working (writing--which is necessary to my livelihood, but which I hadn't done truly consistently in years), I was not obsessing about booze, I felt great. Now I am extremely confused. I feel guilty about everything and nothing: take the sponsor--I haven't talked to him in more than a month. He called twice, I told him I was doing fine. So the conclusion I have come to is: yes, I am struggling mightily with step one.

Purplecatlover

Change only happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go.*

When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities. When God doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

These 2 quotes helped me.

I'm not sure what your religious beliefs are, you said you pray...
I believe the devil will use whatever he can to get us to believe his lies, addiction, self doubt, guilt, etc.
Only with God's power within you can you see the truth. Pray for God to open your eyes to see the lies & to cement His truths in your heart. God came to set the captives free, but you have to walk away from the shackles when He unlocks them.

Alcohol has you deceived into thinking you like it. Do you like depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, self loathing? I doubt it. And these are all from alcohol.
The "enjoyment" you get from it is a chemically induced illusion. Not a real feeling.

But the pain & suffering you feel after are real.
You must shift your thinking about what alcohol is REALLY doing for you.....absolutely nothing.

oinobares

I do pray, but not because of faith. I pray because I have humility. I am a broken person; in Adam's fall sinned we all. I pray to relieve my suffering. I'm not especially religious. I was raised in a Quaker environment. Less doctrine, more "when you are moved by God" and "you carry the light within you." I have long prayed for more faith, because I really lack it. Four years of therapy has helped turn me from a glass half empty to a glass half full kind of guy. I utterly do not understand how this insidious problem has come upon me.
I'm not a bad person. I spend way to much time worrying about other people. My dear mother has even said: start worrying about yourself, i.e. take care of yourself. This is an alien idea to me. My sponsor at our first "sit down" said to me, do you seek oblivion. Yes, of course, I feel incredible loneliness and I treat that by getting more isolated and lonely. so now I am on the brink of crisis again because I feel like bingeing. Writing/talking here is the only thing stopping me now from doing that.

Purplecatlover

You need to see yourself as God sees you. Pray for that. He willingly died so we would not be separated from Him. He loves you, cares for you like a father does for His children.

I read 2 great books that helped with my recovery.
Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson
Simple Faith by Eddie Snipes.

When we have a close, loving relationship with God, he enables us to do the impossible.

God forgives you, no matter how many times you fail. You are His child & He wants you to accept that. He's given us a free gift, all we have to do is accept it.
You deserve to be free & happy. All you have to do is BELIEVE.
You have all the faith you need (mustard seed)
You just need to exercise that faith. By hearing the worth of God. Rom 10:17

I'll be praying for you my friend.

oinobares

@purplecatlover

your post made me cry. I just don't feel worthy of anyone. So if God or my HP can alleviate that, there I be going.

Purplecatlover

You are worthy! God created us for a reason & it's not to be miserable, I can assure you.

What is in the past is gone now.

as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:12 NIV84)

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge–that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, (Ephesians 3:16-20 NIV84)

Lost3000

I'm a once lost and now sort of found person. I feel like Anna, that's it's a disease. Or at least I compare it to one in the sense that if I had epilepsy for example, there would be certain things I couldn't do in life.

My husband has epilepsy and I often compare my alcoholism to his disease. He has epilepsy. He accepts it and lives life to its fullest. But there are certain things he cannot do. He doesn't spend any time pining away about it, just knows it, accepts it, and moves on.

It hasn't really impacted his adult life greatly. He takes meds on a daily basis, and sees a neurologist often, but his day to day life is great. Sure, occasionally he has petite mals (tiny seizures unnoticeable to others), but it's not a death sentence. Sometimes he has bad days, but he gets through it and the next day is almost always better. He cannot join the military, but he works in IT and loves his job. So like us, he maintains his disease and knows that there are certain things in life he can never do, but lives life fully and doesn't let his disease keep him from being happy. Hope this helps.

oinobares

I actually study sacrifice and sin and transgression. How odd is that. The fact is that I think too much. My intellectual self thinks me out of AA and recovery all the time. And i don't need any Big Book quotes to know that that is a problem. I just read recently John Berryman's "Recovery." I'm not sure what it had to say really sunk in.

oinobares

And now I am drinking and I don't know how to put it down.

Lost3000

You really just have to make a choice and stick to that choice, like anything in life. I wish you the very best.

Purplecatlover

No one can make the decision for you. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. That's when & where I got sober for good.

Just know this, when you are ready, God will be there with open arms, like the progigal son. No condemnation, no punishment, He knows you've punished yourself enough.

Sapling

This is todays reading in the Daily Reflections...We read it in my meeting this morning...I was thinking about you when I listened to it...I guess the message is....Keep coming back.

TRUE TOLERANCE

The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 139

I first heard the short form of the Third Tradition in the Preamble. When I came to A.A. I could not accept myself, my alcoholism, or a Higher Power. If there had been any physical, mental, moral, or religious requirements for membership, I would be dead today. Bill W. said in his tape on the Traditions that the Third Tradition is a charter for individual freedom. The most impressive thing to me was the feeling of acceptance from members who were practicing the Third Tradition by tolerating and accepting me. I feel acceptance is love and love is God's will for us.

From the book Daily Reflections
© Copyright 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

oinobares

All of your thoughts and comments are so relevant and I am very grateful for them. I feel like there is a devil on my shoulder constantly intoning: "you suck." For the time I was dry (I've been told I wasn't "sober"--that still rankles) I was making huge advances in my life. Huge! So why my god why!!! "I'm losing such a central part of me, I can't let go of it" Peter Gabriel, available on youtube, I Love to be Loved. There is nothing more in my life that I have hated as much as being in this predicament. Nothing.

oinobares

Actually the explanation my therapist gives me about self-sabotage is that I hate feeling good, which he calls the aversive reaction. When things are going well, I find a way to mess them up. (or some part of me does, the part of me that is "addicted to unhappiness")

Lost3000

This one really sums up well what I was trying to say. Thanks!!

Lost3000

Ohhh, the devil on the shoulder. I have one too. I've managed to shut him up for the most part. But then every once in awhile, bam! There she is.

oinobares

I'm into my third bottle of wine. And my wife will know it.

edit: i want to call my sponsor but I am embarrased. I have failed.

Sapling

What's it going to take for you?....When is enough...Enough?

terrymeador

P.U.S.H. through Pray Until Something Happens... and it helped me to do last paragraph page 84