awuh1

I know you don’t think you have a problem with step 1 but let me give you my reasoning why this may not be the case. Your sponsor at one point told you he thought you had a problem with step 1. After a few months sobriety you have walked through target and picked up alcohol “as though it was the most natural thing in the world”. The title of this thread is “acceptance “. You recently just drank wine.

You can rationalize it any way you want but the problem has to do with step 1.

A person who fully admits powerlessness over what happens after the 1st drink accepts their condition. This is what the word “admits” implies. This is not done solely on a cognitive level but also on an emotional level. Sufficient work on the emotional level of this step prevents the subtle rationalization(s) needed to pick up drink 1.

Just one more thing. This is at least the second time you are having problems right around the 3 month milestone. I can very much relate to that. I just could not seem to make it to 4 months. One day I was sitting in a meeting and wondering why I was listening to the same people sharing the same old things as they do every meeting. It occurred to me that I had decided to go to that meeting because I thought I might be of some use to someone else (imagine that, me with just a few months). Then, shortly afterwards, I realized I had just reached 4 months of sobriety, for the first time since my adolescence. The two were connected. I thought a lot about the connection as I sat there. I still remember that internal dialogue all these years later. If you’re like me you will need to put your sobriety into action. Perhaps you will be able to help another drunk who has the ability to warp reality with a single thought.

2granddaughters

Attending AA meetings regularly helped me deal with the wreckage of the past and get me into "today" sober and hopeful.

Now I attend AA meetings regularly to help me with the treatment of my alcoholism by a "daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition".

Wishing you the best.

Bob R.

oinobares

I'm so grateful for all of the comments. I actually feel quite lost at the moment. I haven't binged, but I know my own pattern. I need to reflect on all of this and get unlost. The past three months have been great with my work. And also, as to some of your concerns, I have been in talk therapy for four years now, weekly. (I used to occasionally show up lit for those sessions.)

Thank you all kind souls again.

Dee74

Welcome back

I'm not in AA, but I found the more I lived the kind of life I knew I was capable of - sober and being of service to myself and others - the more the shame and the guilt of the past receded for me.

I can look myself in the mirror now and not look away - the external appearance is still pretty rough lol but I'm much closer now to being the man I know I can be - and the man I want to be.

I'm essentially who I've always been - but no longer who I was.
It all starts with being sober I think - the change begins there.

The past is gone - we can't change a second, however much we want to do that.
But we can do a lot with today

D

MalkavianEmily

I was in a meeting on Friday, and the reading didn't so much strike a chord as hit a nerve. Come to think of it, so did the reading at tonight's meeting.
And yes, every share I hear, I recognise something. I'm still finding it hard to use 'the A word'. Because I really don't want to. I know I need help to quit. But admitting more than that... I'm finding it difficult

awuh1

"I'm essentially who I've always been - but no longer who I was."

Very nice Dee, and that refers both to your words and yourself.

Threshold

I got over it by 1) not identifying myself as a drunk/addict, to me "addict" is an adjective, not a label. It is something that is true about me, but it is not the totality of who I am.

2) by stopping using and, as you say, getting busy living.

3) can't change yesterday, can do all sorts of good with today.

4) accept that I can't drink/use...and also accept that there are literally millions of things I CAN do, more than enough to make up for those few things of which I am not capable.

that's were I am today

oinobares

@ hypochondriac: I quote you: "Isn't the way to transcend this to realise that you had a problem and that you solved it. If you have accepted that you are an alcoholic and can no longer drink,"

I can be an alcoholic and drink. That is the problem. I enjoy drinking. I really do. It gives me great pleasure and I've always been an omnivore and a non-allergic, so the idea that something is taboo (oh yeah, this is what I study anthropologically) really bothers me.

So I guess like the rest of life we just have to see how it shakes out. Whilst trying my best to take care of myself.

Dee74

It all boiled down to me accepting I can be the person I want to be, and live the kind of life I want to live...or I can drink - but I can't do both.

D

Zencat

Ops deleted post.

oinobares

I have to remind myself: there is only one reason I am here.

oinobares

The idea of not drinking, of abstaining to my grave, horrifies me. Why? Because it is something I enjoy. Who among us likes losing friends?

OCDDan

interesting thread, thanks.

hypochondriac

Sorry Oinobares, I didn't realise that you were still drinking. In which case I don't know what to say...for me I had enough negative consequences to make me not want to drink anymore. A little bit of abstinence makes it easy to forget that but I wouldn't want to trade the way I feel now for a few hours of zoning out. I always thought that if anyone, alcoholic or not, did a cost/benefit analysis of their drinking then they would come out in favour of abstaining. I mean, alcohol doesn't actually do anything for us, it's just an illusion. I like to detach from the world sometimes but there are other ways, some of them are taboo too x

I hope you decide to quit, but I hope things don't have to get really bad for you to do it x

oinobares

Ok so it is pretty clear I have a problem with the first step.

oinobares

I'm an alcoholic. I know this. There is no doubt. But I like drinking, so I keep on.





i'm an alcoholic who enjoys drinking. I have no problem admitting this fact.

oinobares

@hypochondriac: yes I am drinking.

oinobares

kis miserable, obviously.

Sapling

You're not done yet. How do you stop something you enjoy doing?....You know how I knew when I was done?....I had nothing and no one left to lose...It wasn't working for me anymore....It wasn't fun anymore...The pain of what it was doing to me was greater than the pain of having to give it up. I didn't enjoy it...I hated it...And what it did to me. I was done. I was powerless over alcohol...And my life had become unmanageable.

Sapling

I said this to myself for over 20 years....Paid the price for it too. What a fricken bad idea that was.