JimJim

Hey all

Firstly, I apologise for posting whilst I have been drinking. But, I need to record it for myself, a confession if you like. I went one month without the booze which is the longest in my lifetime. It was fantastic. The situation: I went away for the weekend and had a three hour train journey back to fill Sunday night. I filled it with booze. The reason? ( never good enough I know) I guess i wanted the time to pass.

I walked into the train staition hoping the shop was shut. But I kind of hoped it would be open so I could buy booze ( AV?). I went to walk in and buy it, but then walked out and sat in the waiting area for twenty minutes going through all of the reasons not to buy it and had a real battle with myself.

I bought it and felt shame. I drank it as fast as I could and felt shame. Six cans of cider were gone within the hour. THe forst sip tasted horrible. It never got better. I Cried through my first can.

I'm back at home now and I am drunk, my intentions are to reflect upon this post in the morning and thereafter. I know I do not want to drink any longer. It has no benefit to me. This is no way to live. I will post again soon. The positives? I hope thoses that are tempted read this and know that the cravings for drink are a myth and will bring you nothing! I feel horrendous.

Best wishes to you all

BillyPilgrim

The last time I drank JimJim, I remember thinking how horrible it tasted.

It didnt stop me that night, but I never drank again

Hope you stop now and go to bed

Wake up tomorrow and make plans, AA or SR or any of the other routes

It doesnt matter the road you take, the place you arrive does

Billy

Hevyn

JimJim - maybe this was the proof you needed to lay it down once and for all. There's nothing in it for us anymore. All roads lead to misery.

Now you're ready to move forward - and we're here to support you. Better days are coming, Jim.

suki44883

I bought it and felt shame. I drank it as fast as I could and felt shame. Six cans of cider were gone within the hour. THe forst sip tasted horrible. It never got better. I Cried through my first can.

This struck me. Not sure why, but it did. I wish I could hug you right now, JimJim. I think you need a hug.

Edat84

Keep coming back my friend. Many of us can relate and have been there. You know what you have to do to stay sober. Come back to the solution.

hypochondriac

Glad you posted this Jimjim. Engaging with that voice that tells us to drink will always end in drinking. I did that for years, but I never had the sober time beforehand. You've had a good glimpse at sober life which you can get back to tomorrow xxx

scrambled2012

Good to have you back Jim~~~~
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Dee74

Sorry to hear this, but I really hope this can be your turning point Jim...

you've done great work over the last month - now it's time to put it all together, think about what else you need to do...& take 'er home

D

Flying4Life

Glad you have gotten some insight thru this experience. You don't have to keep living this way. This is a new moment and a fresh chance to commit to your sobriety. You can do it!
:ghug3

Luling

Sorry, JimJim. I hope this experience is what you need to renew your determination.

JimJim

Hey all,

Thank you for your great replies. It touches me to know that people are in the same situation and have the same feelings. Despairing tears literally fall down my face, I can no longer drink for the misery it brings. This has to be the end of driniking for me as it bring feelings of great desperation. It is a blessing that this is a record and I will look upon it tommorrow.

Thanks.

desertsong

We know that despair, Jim. Really. This can be your last binge. Tomorrow can be a new day. Let us help.

Zee

Its good to get it all in print. It was my birthday this saturday. I wanted to drink so badly. Everyone around me at birthday gathering were drinking. I cried twice (although nobody saw me). But waking up on sunday morning with no nausea/headache was great. My liver is continuing to heal and I am guilt-free. I have been sober for nearly 9 months. I plan not to ever drink again although having the strength not to is the hardest thing to do. You just have to dig deep! We are all in the same boat here, struggling along. Chalk this one up as a glitch. You know it gets better

Anna

I'm sorry for your despair Jim. You know you don't have to go through this again.

debsam

Jim,

^ This^. I felt your pain here, because I have been there. Those exact feelings..and that was the last time I drank. This can be the last time for you too my friend.

Big hugs Jim

CaiHong

Hi JimJim,

You did well to post and reach out. This not major, you are aware of the AV and how insidious it is.
Hope the hangover is not too terrible or maybe it should be terrible as another reminder why we gave up drinking. you'll be right

Love
CaiHong

Tippingpoint

I think sometimes it can be helpful to dip your foot back into that pool just so that you can truly know that the water is not pleasant. It's an experience that will make you stronger and more capable of moving forward.

Good luck!

JimJim

I'm back on the sober bus!

Going back three days, I did not stop that night unfortunately, I woke up with my skin crawling, so I strated to polish of the rest of the two litre bottle of cider I bought on the way home from the station to make me feel ok. Luckily I passed out mid day and woke up feeling only averagely hungover so poured the rest down the sink.

Fast foward a few sober days and I have to reflect on why I drank maybe? I guess because im an alkie! One of the best I would say. I had already passed the train barrier so I had to sit for about 30 minutes looking at the damn shop! I could not drink those cans fast enough on the train. The hole was not big enough and I asked the trolley guy for a cup so I could pour it into my stomach faster, desperate to get that comfortably numb feeling or buzz as some call it. I mean, I had just ruined a month of sobriety, the longest I have ever been sober so I had to find some pleasure!? Not even some extra litres of the stuff when I got home could make it arrive. No Pleasure/buzz right through until blackout and waking up in my own urine.

I gave up on the 22nd April and I still consider that my sober date. That is when I was at my wits end with the stuff. I remember the morning, I truely knew that I was giving up for good. This 'slip', relapse whatever you want to call it was a new experience. I knew when I was buying the stuff that I was through, It was a different feeling. After spending a month sober, there was nothing I got out from drinking on that night, nothing came of it. I use to enjoy drinking it was fun to get hammered, then I think it just became a daily habbit for years. I got sick of it and it made me feel desperate. That's all it bring me now is despair. After reading some of these posts on here of people relapsing, I think you have to know you are done with alcohol and that's when you know you wont buy it anymore

The last few days I have not craved alcohol, I really am appreciating a clear head in the morning. I have been getting into herbal tea! lol. I would recommend the night stuff with valarian in (someone on here recommended before). It helps me sleep and I look forward to drinking that before I go to bed.

Thanks for letting me ramble anyhow!

sugarbear1

Congratulations on 2 days of sobriety!

Sapling

It doesn't really matter to me what your sober date is...Just curious how this works.....And I did have one question....Are you going to do anything different than what you did when you went back out after 30 days?