Starting Again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 57
Starting Again
Hi my name is tim and I've been an alcoholic for ten years, on and off. Longest period without a drink in this time has been about 2 months. I'm up to 9 - 12 standard drinks a day, but I don't drink every day. I'm sort of stuck in a cycle of binging - Junk Food Day 1, Less Junk Food Day 2, And then I start eating normally on Day 3 but wind up getting drunk later that night. And then the process starts all over. I have pains in my kidneys, gallbladder and pancreas. Heart could be irregular. General anxieties. On Day 1 I feel like crap every time, but sometimes get caught on drinking again because it makes that pain temporarily go away. This would happen maybe 40 percent of the time. Make it to day two, and I feel ten times better, but still have some headache and nausea which often prevents me from making another stupid decision. By Day 3 I feel healthy and have very little appetite as my eating by this stage makes me feel overweight. During Day 3 my mind seems to play tricks on me. I wake up and think it's so good I'll never drink again, by lunch I'm setting the 100 day safety net, by afternoon I'm thinking perhaps the weekend, and just before dinner I'm wondering (with tiny hopes) if I can convince myself drinking would be okay tonight. Staring down the barrel at 7pm, after a hard day's work, and feeling in good health, it seems like such a waste of a night if I don't drink. I even start to get angry at my sober self for telling me off for not drinking. Angry about the eating, and angry that I wasn't 'strong' enough to suck up the pain. But that's nothing compared to how angry my 7am self is the next morning. So I'm angry at myself all the time.
Just trying to stop yet again. Day 1. This one will be easy. Day 2 moderate. And Day 3 always tests me. I also know Days 6 - 12 are even harder by comparison, but after that it gets easier. I think. Been a while since I've gotten that far...
Just trying to stop yet again. Day 1. This one will be easy. Day 2 moderate. And Day 3 always tests me. I also know Days 6 - 12 are even harder by comparison, but after that it gets easier. I think. Been a while since I've gotten that far...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Tim
Welcome to SR
I found posting here really helped me break that 3-4 day cycle - it was much harder to drink again when I'd actually spent time thinking about it, posting about it and reading other peoples stories.
I'm sure you'll find a lot of support here
Have you seen a Dr - all those pains sound like you might need a check up - just to be safe?
D
Welcome to SR
I found posting here really helped me break that 3-4 day cycle - it was much harder to drink again when I'd actually spent time thinking about it, posting about it and reading other peoples stories.
I'm sure you'll find a lot of support here
Have you seen a Dr - all those pains sound like you might need a check up - just to be safe?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 57
I'm not good with going to the Doctors. Way too scary at this point. I will say though my body doesn't feel any worse off than it did a few years ago, actually somewhat better. I used to drink to black out a lot of the time, and the gallbladder and pancreas pains were so severe then I would literally shiver all over, now they're just kind of annoying like : 'Come on man, quit this ****.' I also noticed that during my daily bouts of after weeks and weeks the pains go away and then come back during withdrawal. Cause I'm only drinking half the time I still have them, actually it was the kidneys that forced me to stop drinking last night ... ouch just felt it again. Sometimes I wonder if it's all in the mind too, like when I think my kidneys are in pain, then they start to hurt just like now... Yeah. As I said. I don't like the doctors. I use my brain to heal me. Hmm. Will have to admit the decision to quit at present is being influenced by this bad health here more than anything else.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I think most of us are scared to go to the Dr - but I still recommend it for everyone - I had a bad home detox.
I look at it this way...if there is something wrong it's best to pick up on it as soon as possible...if there's nothing wrong, you've set your mind at ease.
Ultimately tho...it's up to you Tim.
D
I look at it this way...if there is something wrong it's best to pick up on it as soon as possible...if there's nothing wrong, you've set your mind at ease.
Ultimately tho...it's up to you Tim.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
If you are too scared to see a doctor, then that is more reason to see one! Its like a doctor denial... I had that... I eventually went and turned out I had damaged my liver, alcoholic hepatitis and malnutrition! Up to that point I was still drinking, and like you, feeling that I was missing out on something if I didn't drink!
I didn't even realise that anything was wrong. I was in fact stick thin, distended belly (asctites) and a kind of grey/green colour. It happened very quickly! If things can be seen sooner rather than later, there is less chance of it becoming nasty. And it can be nasty believe me!
I didn't even realise that anything was wrong. I was in fact stick thin, distended belly (asctites) and a kind of grey/green colour. It happened very quickly! If things can be seen sooner rather than later, there is less chance of it becoming nasty. And it can be nasty believe me!
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Going to the doctor may be scary Tim but not going doesn't do you any favors. Buck up some courage there and go get a general health screening. You're putting your body through hell and you might find that you just need a little help from the doctor to get back on track. Also, your Family Physician could point you in the direction of a therapist or addiction counselor for additional help. If there is something wrong, you're a lot better off finding out now rather than later. I know you know all of this but you need to hear it again and again. See a doctor.
As for breaking through that cycle, i hear ya. I used to sober up until Day 4 or 5 when my hands would stop shaking enough for me to sign my name to buy more booze. I broke through my Week 1 by posting on here a lot, going to AA daily (or more), seeing a therapist, eating well and just getting my duff out of bed and moving around a bit. I read a lot and color geometric patterns (very focusing and kinda silly but i like it) to de-stress. Journaling can help a lot too if you enjoy writing. It's great to get what's in your head down on paper, especially when you're going through periods of cravings so you can later evaluate what's going on and how you can break that cycle or avoid it all together.
Welcome to SR. If anything, just post and read here a ton!
As for breaking through that cycle, i hear ya. I used to sober up until Day 4 or 5 when my hands would stop shaking enough for me to sign my name to buy more booze. I broke through my Week 1 by posting on here a lot, going to AA daily (or more), seeing a therapist, eating well and just getting my duff out of bed and moving around a bit. I read a lot and color geometric patterns (very focusing and kinda silly but i like it) to de-stress. Journaling can help a lot too if you enjoy writing. It's great to get what's in your head down on paper, especially when you're going through periods of cravings so you can later evaluate what's going on and how you can break that cycle or avoid it all together.
Welcome to SR. If anything, just post and read here a ton!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 57
I really appreciate the advice there with the doctor... But I'm not going to do that. Quit drinking. Sure. No piece of cake there, but I'm not going to the doctor. Just not.
As for the cycle, it's like there are two Tims. Morning / Afternoon Tim hates alcohol, is glad he's not going to drink that night, but Evening / Night Tim gets kind of crazy and thinks it's funny to get drunk. I might have to post here when that Tim comes out but he might find it funny not to so I don't know. It's a real Jeckyll and Hyde thing. Dexter and his dark passenger hey.
As for the cycle, it's like there are two Tims. Morning / Afternoon Tim hates alcohol, is glad he's not going to drink that night, but Evening / Night Tim gets kind of crazy and thinks it's funny to get drunk. I might have to post here when that Tim comes out but he might find it funny not to so I don't know. It's a real Jeckyll and Hyde thing. Dexter and his dark passenger hey.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
Thats up to you Tim. I know men can be stubborn when it comes to doctors! My husband is. I had to drag him kicking and screaming even when he had chest pains! Our doctor (while he had him in his clutches) took some bloods as well... turns out he has slightly raised cholesterol and nothing else is wrong! He hated me at the time, but when he found out nothing was wrong, he liked me again! I think that the next time he goes, he will probably be 95!
BTW, I hear good things about Dexter... isn't he the nice guy cop who is a serial killer? Will have to see if its coming to UK TV!
BTW, I hear good things about Dexter... isn't he the nice guy cop who is a serial killer? Will have to see if its coming to UK TV!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 57
I've never been to an AA meeting. The district I live in has ... a flavor of people that I don't gel with. I'm not a very social person either. I kind of want a clean break where alcohol isn't on my mind, but if I attend those meetings I'm sure that's all I'll think about.
At the moment it just feels really difficult to crack 3 days (and prior to that it was 8), and I think I need some kind of mantra that's going to shut out the Hyde thoughts when they come along. Some days it just takes over completely without even a moments thought. At the slightest inconvenience or quip rationale, and I'm on my way to the store again.
Dexter is a quality show, yes.
At the moment it just feels really difficult to crack 3 days (and prior to that it was 8), and I think I need some kind of mantra that's going to shut out the Hyde thoughts when they come along. Some days it just takes over completely without even a moments thought. At the slightest inconvenience or quip rationale, and I'm on my way to the store again.
Dexter is a quality show, yes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Welcome to SR, Tim. I had a lot of false starts in my recovery; coming here made a huge difference and helped me find the right approach for me.
Good advice about seeing your doc, but you seem clear in your choice for now. Everybody's different, so this is next to meaningless, but I had a lot of pains that went away once I quit drinking; most recent tests show everything's fine. But I believe those pains were a warning sign of serious problems up ahead—a red light at the intersection, not a yellow one.
Glad you're here and ready to give it a go again.
PS: I freakin' love "Dexter"—I typically wait until a season comes out on iTunes, and then I'll run through the whole thing in about a week. Talk about addictive...
Good advice about seeing your doc, but you seem clear in your choice for now. Everybody's different, so this is next to meaningless, but I had a lot of pains that went away once I quit drinking; most recent tests show everything's fine. But I believe those pains were a warning sign of serious problems up ahead—a red light at the intersection, not a yellow one.
Glad you're here and ready to give it a go again.
PS: I freakin' love "Dexter"—I typically wait until a season comes out on iTunes, and then I'll run through the whole thing in about a week. Talk about addictive...
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I don't really gel with the people in my area either (D&D 31 year old Nerdchick in ruralish Wisconsin) gut going to those AA meetings daily in my early sobriety really got me through personally. I finally got to the point in my drinking where i'd tried everything else (rehab, therapy, psych, meds) and i had nothing to lose. I decided to give AA one month. I'd go to a meeting a day for a month. It wasn't going to cost me anything, wouldn't hurt and it it failed then at least i could say i'd tried it. I guess what i'm saying is be able to say at least i tried it. You've got nothing to lose.
And Dexter is pretty damn awesome.
And Dexter is pretty damn awesome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 57
I guess I'm saving aa and doctors for when / if the current giving up doesn't work. I think the next big one will be counseling before those two though. I tried the journal last time, but it didn't work. So trying this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
So trying this.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Glad you're changing it up. If this venture doesn't work, change it up again. Many people relapse then try to give up alcohol using the same failed methods. That's what i did dozens of times!
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by TimW 
I've never been to an AA meeting. The district I live in has ... a flavor of people that I don't gel with. I'm not a very social person either. I kind of want a clean break where alcohol isn't on my mind, but if I attend those meetings I'm sure that's all I'll think about.
At the moment it just feels really difficult to crack 3 days (and prior to that it was 8), and I think I need some kind of mantra that's going to shut out the Hyde thoughts when they come along. Some days it just takes over completely without even a moments thought. At the slightest inconvenience or quip rationale, and I'm on my way to the store again.
Dexter is a quality show, yes.
At the moment it just feels really difficult to crack 3 days (and prior to that it was 8), and I think I need some kind of mantra that's going to shut out the Hyde thoughts when they come along. Some days it just takes over completely without even a moments thought. At the slightest inconvenience or quip rationale, and I'm on my way to the store again.
Dexter is a quality show, yes.
It sounds to me like Rational Recovery's AVRT method of quitting may be the best fit to what you are looking for. AVRT stands for Addictive Voice Recognition Technique. It helps make recovery as short as possible and as private as possible. It is designed to enhance self-recovery which is one way people have been recovering for hundreds of years.
There are four long AVRT threads on the Secular Connections page of the SR website. I'm sure if you post a new thread on Secular Connections explaining your desire to quit and the difficulties you are having, you will get some feedback that may allow you to make headway towards a solution.
GT
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Welcome Tim. There is a path to freedom from the struggle and torment. The insanity of it all can end. It will be good while however until you will stop thinking of alcohol and/or your struggle with it.
Have a read of the Big Book it is free online. reading it, and being on SR gave me the strength I needed to get over the hump and be far enough away from the gravitational pull of alcohol.
Have a read of the Big Book it is free online. reading it, and being on SR gave me the strength I needed to get over the hump and be far enough away from the gravitational pull of alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 57
Made it to Day 3 again. This one's the toughie. About a month ago I broke through to Day 4, two months ago made it to Day 6, three months ago Day 8. And my record for this year would be 13. Just some history. Guess I'm just going to stick with what I did yesterday and hope nothing different happens.
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