I am an abusive jerk
 

It is 5:30am and I haven't slept all night (and I'm driving out of town today). I hate myself. I am the worst parent. I always have been. Last night my 13 yo texted me that she lost her ipod at a party somewhere outside. I got very mad at her. She looked all over and the parents of the party looked as well. To my husband and mom I was calling her horrible name bc she lost it (f^&%ing idiot etc) and I wasnt very nice to her either. I knew she already felt bad (now she faces a long car ride with no music, games, etc) but I just kept rubbing salt in the wound. This is what I have always done. My anger spirals out of control. I wanted to use so badly...when I am numb I am calmer and nicer. What is the point in being sober if I am such a horrible person down to the core anyway? My kids deserve a kind and caring mother and instead they got me- a mom who flies off the handle at every little thing. I feel they would all be better off without me (I'm not suicidal- just wanting to run away).

What happened last night is the core of what is wrong with me. My guilt over being a bad parent and my anger taints everything. I don't want to be who I am. I am a mean person and I feel sorry for my kids. My daughter was already mad at herself, she didn't need me to make her feel worse.

I hate myself and I don't know what any of this has to do with my addiction. This seems to just be a huge character flaw within myself that I can't get rid of.

hey.... I've had a lot of anger issues and had quite a bit of therapy to deal with it. Have you thought about seeing someone to talk it through/work out ways to deal with this?

There is nothing "wrong" with anger per se, but it's how it's manifested. If you're saying things to your daughter if you beat yourself up it's going to go round in circles e.g. if you hate yourself you may get angry again then it comes out.

I'm not a parent though, but it's just my advice from my own anger stuff. I saw a therapist (stopped drinking too), then when I feel angry I don't fight against it (I allow myself to feel it), I also do mindfulness breathing exercises and go running. Hitting pillows makes me feel angrier. I try to find ways to calm down without fighting it.

For now, I'd try walking away, breathing deeply then coming back. Others who are parents may have other advice. I also find when those I love tell me not do things I didn't always listen. It was talking it through with someone impartially that helped me recognise it.

There is a good way to take care of those charactor flaws aeo....But in the mean time...Maybe it wouldn't be a bad time to have a heart to heart with your daughter about what you are going through...Apologize and let her know why you emotions are where they are right now...I founds my first couple months I could snap at anything...I think I was just p!ssed off at trying to live without my friend alcohol. That goes away...But I said a lot of "I'm sorrys" early on.

This morning I am not angry at my daughter anymore. I know fear sets off my anger. We are in a VERY tight financial spot and ipods are $$ so the thought of that money gone scares me.

I have seen therapists to try and talk about the anger but never seem to get anywhere. When I am not feeling it in the moment it is hard for me to talk about or work with. I just feel very hopeless right now.

I had these anger issues even during years I wasn't drinking though. Was I alcoholic even when not drinking? Does that even make sense? How can it get better? I am going to ruin my kids' lives with my anger. It comes on so suddenly sometimes. At least when stoned I was never angry...

I don't know about you...But I was.

If you feel guilty please apologize to her and explain your feelings. I grew up with a bitter angry mom who flew off the handle. I never got apologized to. I think it will mean a lot to her.

you've identified that you have a problem and it's obvious to me that you really do care....you react and show anger because you're scared if the circumstances, not that you WANT to be abusive to the kids.

If it were me, I would apologize for yelling/swearing at your daughter (and to the parents of her friend too) and explain minimally....only because she may already have a lot to bear. Kids worry, she may already be internalizing.

hope the iPod does show up, or she can earn the $$$ herself to replace it.

This could be true. I developed an eating disorder at age 13 and there are many similarities between that and addiction.

Luckily I was doing this all from my couch so I never saw the other parents! What do you mean by explaining minimally?

I always seem to be saying I'm sorry.

My dad had the same temper but his has mellowed tremendously as he ages.

Maybe now that I am sober it might be a good idea to try some therapy again along with my AA

Depression can manifest itself as anger.
You might want to see a doctor about it. Sometimes depression can be treated, sometimes it's harder, but it's worth giving it a go. My heart goes out to you.

Did your daughter mention your anger and words to her friend's parents? I misread and thought you called the F-word to your daughter directly, now i see it's was to your hubby and mom.

what I meant by minimally was not to go into depth about your alcoholism with her. she may feel like part of it is her fault you aren't happier.

in the long run, it's just stuff and can all be replaced. but you want to repair the relationship with your kids as soon as possible. kids lose stuff all the time, and maybe it is irresponsible, but she doesn't deserve to be made to feel worse.

I am being treated with medication for depression. I have suffered from depression since I think I learned to walk.

there is a whole LOT written in the BB on anger and it starts with the 4th step, but there are 3 steps before that. once we straighten out spiritually, we straighten out mentally, emotionally, and physically.
learning to communicate like an adult has taken me T.I.M.E. and i am still a work in progress.
keep on trudgin!!! it will get easier!!

AA will help me deal/cope with anger issues? I hear people talk at meetings about how they have learned to deal with anger situations and how they no longer feel the need to muck up the situation even more. I pray that I can have this one day as well. I don't want to be an angry person.

its all in the big book. got a sponsor?

just to add, i used to be a rageaholic.it controlled me and i HATED it and me for it. it has been a long time since i've had a brainstorm and i still get angry at times, but i dont let it control me. it took a lot of work and T.I.M.E. to get to where i am. you can be free of the grouch and the brainstorm,too!!

YES- I have a sponsor and once it becomes a decent hour I will can her.