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I am an abusive jerk

Old 05-26-2012, 04:38 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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aeo...if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were my wife. But I do know better. I have 15 yr old twins and a 16 yr old. Our finances are very tight as well. I understand the angst you felt, even if it came out wrong.

But I'm thankful to you and all the other responders here for the reminder that anger issues are all part of the package of alcoholism (heck, even part of being human), and can be worked through with recovery programs. Since I quit drinking, my anger and rage has gone from 1000% to 100%. And I'm happy with 100%, because its within normal limits, although at the high end. My wife, who still drinks, but less than when I was there to goad her on, has also become less of an angry person. Sobriety and recovery are solely responsible. And we are angry people. Our kids have started to come out of their shells since not everything is a shouting match anymore.

My point is that it gets better. Don't beat yourself up for your reaction. Just learn by it, and give yourself time. And I totally agree with the advice to have a talk with your daughter. I do that frequently with my kids now when either I've lost it or their mother has. They have often taken the opportunity to share things with me that I don't know I would have heard otherwise.

I also use prayer for my anger and that of others in the house. It helps me. There's a book called "The Dance of Anger" that has helped my household as well.

Peace. And thanks for sharing!
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:40 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LoftyIdeals View Post
aeo...if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were my wife. But I do know better. I have 15 yr old twins and a 16 yr old. Our finances are very tight as well. I understand the angst you felt, even if it came out wrong.

But I'm thankful to you and all the other responders here for the reminder that anger issues are all part of the package of alcoholism (heck, even part of being human), and can be worked through with recovery programs. Since I quit drinking, my anger and rage has gone from 1000% to 100%. And I'm happy with 100%, because its within normal limits, although at the high end. My wife, who still drinks, but less than when I was there to goad her on, has also become less of an angry person. Sobriety and recovery are solely responsible. And we are angry people. Our kids have started to come out of their shells since not everything is a shouting match anymore.

My point is that it gets better. Don't beat yourself up for your reaction. Just learn by it, and give yourself time. And I totally agree with the advice to have a talk with your daughter. I do that frequently with my kids now when either I've lost it or their mother has. They have often taken the opportunity to share things with me that I don't know I would have heard otherwise.

I also use prayer for my anger and that of others in the house. It helps me. There's a book called "The Dance of Anger" that has helped my household as well.

Peace. And thanks for sharing!
Thank you for your post. It means so much to me to hear others' experiences.
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:41 AM
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Don't beat yourself up for your reaction

amen!. yer not a bad person getting good. yer a sick person gettin weller!
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Old 05-26-2012, 05:22 AM
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Originally Posted by aeo1313 View Post
I just feel very hopeless right now.
Yesterday you were sober, AEO. Today you are also sober, and you will be sober this entire holiday weekend and beyond.

With sobriety there is hope, Friend, lots of it. When the alcoholic fog lifted I was appalled with who I found. Now almost three years sober I am still a work in progress. But, without sobriety there would be no progress, only digression into a progressively deeper state of oblivion.

You too will progress as you maintain sobriety and work your program. While the line might not be perfectly straight, it will keep getting better. Progress but not perfection, eh?

Lastly, please do not give your addiction one millimeter as you head to the Lake for a long weekend that will be fantastic but will also have no shortage of opportunities to drink.

(paraphrasing) "I am a less angry and better parent when I use"

From a certain vantage point can you see in the above an addicted mind angling towards that next drink and/or pill?

Just keep an eye out for that kind of "stinkin thinkin", k?

May you and yours have a wonderful and safe weekend!
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Old 05-26-2012, 05:24 AM
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Aeo, I have issues with anger too. Fortunately, now that I'm no longer drinking, I handle them much better but when I was drinking, I would fly into rages at my husband and kids that were just plain awful. There's no way to take back what was said, but your daughter is old enough that a sincere apology from you, along with an explanation of your finances and why you got upset, will probably go a long way.

I sat my almost 17 year old son down one day, not long after I got sober, and had a long talk with him about my drinking, how it changed me, and why I couldn't stop. I told him that it had NOTHING to do with him - that none of it was his fault and that I never wanted him to blame himself for my behavior. Then I apologized to him for every last thing I did and said to him that had hurt him and I asked for his forgiveness. I think that was one of the most meaningful talks we've ever had.

My point is that your daughter is old enough for you have an honest conversation with her about your depression, your anger issues, etc. She needs to know that none of it is her fault, that it is something inside of you that you are trying to learn to control. Kids internalize so much of what we do as parents ... they are quick to blame themselves for every little thing and it's our job to make sure that as the adults, we don't put that responsibility on them either intentionally or unintentionally. The great thing is that kids are so resilient when we give them a chance to be. I wasn't sure I'd ever have a good relationship with my kids after being so abusive while I was drinking, but they have forgiven me and moved on and we've had a chance to rebuild. I wish I'd had that opportunity with my alcoholic parents.

Please don't beat yourself up too much, Ann. Give that little girl a big hug and an apology and maybe you can use the time in the car to just chat about life.
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Old 05-26-2012, 05:57 AM
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I have a temper too, and like Desertsong, I had to quit because I was flying into rages at my bf and kids when I drank. it got to the point that my bf started being afraid of me and my reactions.

I agree with the others - try not to be so hard on yourself. Not many parents would take the loss of such an expensive item gracefully. And look on the bright side - you worked out most of the rage away from your daughter and her friend's family. So it could have been much worse.

I am in therapy to help me with anxiety, PTSD, and anger issues. It does help me. A lot of alcoholics have other issues as well, including problems with anger. If you see a therapist that specializes in addiction, you may get the help you need.
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Old 05-26-2012, 06:22 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Dear aeo-

First I want to applaud you for coming here instead of using!!!!! I really do know how hard it is to get through a fit of rage totally sober. Before I started drinking alcoholiclly, I would act out in anger, putting my fist through a mirror, ripping loved ones apart with my words and an all around witch. Whats worse, I thought I was entiteled to this behavior. So I believe I had the personality before I started to numb out. To me, the beauty of recovery is a chance to recreate me with the help of my higher power. It takes time and as my sponcor says, we make mistakes all day long. It's ok. The fact that you came here and poured out your heart instead of picking up shows growth and strength already!! Youre on your way to where you want to be!
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Old 05-26-2012, 09:57 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Thank you all so much. I woke my daughter up with a hug and an apology and we've had a peaceful car trip so far.
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:21 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Aeo,

Thanks for starting *this thread. It's obvious you love your kids deeply. They will not be better off without you. Your running away will only add to the stress and confusion they may be feeling right now.

I sat down with my then teenage daughter after a year or so of sobriety and explained to her that I couldn't drink anymore and how I was trying to stay sober. I apologized for anything and everything mean I ever did and said to her while I was drinking, that I couldn't remember anything specifically but was sure I had been mean and unfair to her. She said she couldn't remember either other than the times I drove her to and from her boyfriend's house very fast with the music blasting and singing at the top of my lungs.

I apologized to her for that.

I dreaded (fear) having to have this conversation with my daughter and it turned out to be, at least to her, just another normal mother daughter chat. At least that was my perception.

What I am trying to say is that when drinking or recently sober our minds still distort reality a bit and things we say and do tend to be exaggerated in our minds causing huge guilt and regret that arent really proportionate to the act itself. Do your best not to call your daughter an effing idiot again, but all the other stuff you said and felt wasn't really that wrong. My 9 year old loses her prescription glasses a couple of times a year and I have lost it a few times as well.

Excessive guilt and shame are normal in early recovery. Don't trust your feelings too much during this time.

Take care and best wishes to you.
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:45 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Tempers are tough to conquer, especially if they've been modeled (by your father) but you can overcome anger.

One thing worth considering is physiological causes and contributors, including diet. Even slightly high blood pressure will increase anger and irritability, even in a Buddhist monk.
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Old 05-26-2012, 02:38 PM
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it has been my experience, when I finally wanted to change, AND MY LIFE BECAME IMPORTANT TO ME........I took the needed steps to change.
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:14 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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On the lake. This is hard. I am feeling really down. Will stay sober and get through this. I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sad.
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:24 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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be grateful that you have another chance today and i betcha you will be glad you wake up sober tomorrow. ig you can't sleep, try some deep breathing and relax your shoulders.

a wise person on these boards (Dear Ann) says....the difference between a bad day and a good day is about 2 days
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Old 05-26-2012, 05:31 PM
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There is always light A - don't let negativity drag you down.

You've identified a problem, you're doing something about it and you're doing everything you can to make everything better

Those are all definite steps in the right direction

D
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Old 05-26-2012, 06:03 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Im taking a walk. Just talked to my sponsor. Now I'm just crying on the aide of the road. Pretty sight I'm sure
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Old 05-26-2012, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by aeo1313 View Post
Im taking a walk. Just talked to my sponsor. Now I'm just crying on the aide of the road. Pretty sight I'm sure
It's OK to cry aeo...You won't have to pee so much. Just think about how well you are doing...And how much you have to be grateful for. You're doing great...Give yourself credit.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:13 PM
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I am incredibly proud of you. you are HERE talking about your feelings, DOING the right thing, taking the high road and doing the tough work.

You are LIVING the road to recovery...you knew it wasn't going to be easy, and it's not. you know where I am right now and I cannot tell you how much I admire you doing this difficult, wrenching work, which is going to PAY OFF big time, lady!! :ghug3
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