crewisms

Last night I spent about 20 minutes kicking the soccer ball around with my seven-year old son. He would kick the ball towards me, and too slow to react and move a foot or two to kick it back, I’d saunter over to the ball and retrieve and send it back to him. After the ball dribbled past my feet for the 40th time, he says “Dad, all you have to do is move your foot to block it.” I quickly mumbled some excuse about my hip hurting, and just as quickly shook the waves of guilt running through my mind by wandering into our apartment to take a deep swig of tequila on an empty stomach. The warmth passed through me. Ah, much better.

I went back outside to find him sitting on the ball. The look on his face said it all.

He vaguely understands that I quit drinking a couple years ago. He doesn’t know that I started again after four months of sobriety. My slightly older daughter jokingly called me a drunk the other night. I reminded her that I don’t drink anymore. She apologized and I walked away satisfied she believed me; even though I’m sure my breath could have started a fire had it landed on an open flame.

My face is bloated, and facial psoriasis fueled by alcohol had broadened its hold on me. My eyes are perma-red. I weigh 30 pounds more than I should. I can’t play with my kids more that 10-15 minutes without breaking into a sweat and losing my breath. I am a single daddy 50% of my life. I am a master at hiding my drinking, but interestingly enough I can smell alcohol on somebody a mile away whenever I’ve managed to quit for more than three or four days. Most of the people in my life know that I quit drinking. And I’m sure most of those people know that I started again, but won’t say anything.
I know I’m not fooling anybody, including myself. I know I need to quit again. So here I am, quitting once again, while simultaneously thinking it would be nice to drop by yet another liquor store to buy another bottle of tequila, and consume it when I get home and know I don’t have to drive anywhere. But I won’t do that today. Buy another bottle, that is. Instead, I’ll clean my place, go for a walk, pick the kids up from school, enjoy my son’s baseball game, come home, cook them dinner, put them to bed and prepare for a night of sweats.

I’ve managed to taper my drinking in the past month, so I know my withdrawals won’t be as severe as they could be (I unfortunately have plenty of experience with this). I am new to SR and very grateful for finding this community. Thanks for listening.

Day one is today.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

I have a feeling that says you aren't fooling anyone but yourself. I bet your children know that you aren't telling the truth. Kids know. I am glad you are deciding to stop and hopefully stay stopped this time.

Please see a doctor, you aren't immune from withdrawal seizures. I'm not trying to be mean, just letting you know the way it really is.

Glad you are here!

Peace and hugs,

SDSurfn

crewisms, the similarity to your situation and mine is incredible.

I too have a 7 year old son. I too can barely kick the ball around for 15 minutes.

I too am about 30 pounds over weight. My face is bloated and eyes are red after yet another binge.

Day 1 and I am going to a meeting at 6PM. I'm going to meet alot of new sober friends I hope.

Hopefully the shakes and sweats will have calmed down by then.

I am desperate.

And sorry, this is your thread, I didn't mean to hijack it. I just was struck at how simkilar your story is to mine.

Take care,

SD

Weasel1966

Welcome.

SR is a great place for support. Post and read. We will keep you honest in your efforts to remain sober.

I am new also. 4 days today.

You sound like you are in a place where you are ready. Stay strong tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.

Ken

crewisms

Sugar -- Your thoughts are appreciated and welcome.

SD -- Thank you sharing our common ground.

Elisabeth888

You can do it Crews! You will feel so much better. Do be careful about withdrawals- call for help if you need it.

One thing that is working for me is focusing on things that I want to do/accomplish. I want to be sober more than I want to drink finally.

And I know that for me, to have one drink is like pissing it all in the wind because it will not be just one.

artsoul

Welcome crewisms!

I know that kind of sadness you get when you realize what alcohol is taking away from your life. It's hard work trying to present a positive face to the world all the time.

I'm glad you reached out here today - stick around and soak up some of the hope and inspiration! We know what it's like. Things will get better.:ghug3

lilac0721

Hi, crewisms! Those of us who hide our drinking from our loved ones because we were supposed to have quit drinking don't really fool them. My husband knows when I drink (most of the time, anyway).
You are in good company here!

Sapling

This isn't a bad plan....That's how I stopped and met the friends I have. I don't know if you have a plan or not crewisms....But this one I'd recommend because I know it works...If you work it.

crewisms

Everybody. Thank you so much for your thoughts and support. I have a couple close friends that have successfully taken the AA approach. I've tried it on more than one occasion and it didn't work for me. I don't know why. I know it works for a lot of folks. I've also tried some other methods, too. I'll find the right combo to work for me. For now, this is the first time I have ever opened up in a forum, and it feels right to me, for me.

Anna

I'm glad you found us, and Welcome!

You'll find many different recovery methods here, so take a look around and make yourself comfortable. We do understand how hard this is.

instant

Glad you have joined us. Giving up is a good move. Alcohol corrodes relationships. The fooling yourself is a sure sign that it is eating your soul as well.

Dee74

welcome crewisms

D

Recharger

Great to have you here Crewisms. There is some really helpful stuff on here about how to beat the demon drink. Have you checked out the threads on AVRT? This stuff really made sense to me and has heped so much in putting things in perspective. Best wishes,

Recharger

akazia21

My daughter calls alcohol "yukkies" She is 5 with a processing disorder and speech delay, but she recognizes liquor stores, and told me how when I drink "yukkies" then I go "blehhhh" (throw up) and my tummy hurts and I cry. Sad but true. Children know what's going on. She told me this the other day when I was getting gas as the liquor store is right next to the gas station. I don't want to hear that story again, although it is a good but painful reminder of how I am when I drink.
You can do it, and you will find lots of support here.

sugarbear1

AA didn't work for me for 25 years, although I would go back every once in a while....
Today, I credit AA for saving my life. The steps of AA are what did it, they are the real "program of recovery" and the meetings exist so the newcomer may find us so they can get a sponsor, but it is the steps that create a change inside of us. That is priceless.

Whatever you do, do it like your life depends on it. Your family deserves a truly present daddy!

You can do this!!!!!

Peace & Love,

IndaMiricale

Welcome to SR.

Together we can do this. I am all in at AA also. I am just another miracle, it saved my life too.

Zencat

AA is not for everybody and that okay. It takes courage to find the program that will help you to recover from alcoholism/addiction.

You'll know when you do have a method that is for you...it will speak to your heart.

crewisms

Thank you all! From the moment I picked the kids up from school we stayed busy grocery shopping, cooking, playing and going on a long bike ride. The first night of withdrawals was a rough, as expected (based on way to many experiences), but I woke up feeling pretty good. The kids and are planning the rest of our long weekend: plant a garden, ride our bikes, go to a movie.

I feel strength and love with SR. I am so very grateful.

crewisms

Recharger -- I started looking into it a few days ago. My plan is to try different things and embrace and practice what seems to work for me, including AVRT and anything else that helps! Thank you :-)