EXM6

For some of us who would have considered ourselves 'emotionally unhealthy' while we were drinking, probably have found ourselves in situations that 'emotionally healthy' people who would have RAN from. I'm finding that with my last relationship. The relationship before him, I had ripped and destroyed with my ugly drunk side and it took this really nice man a year and a half before he said enough was enough. A year after him, I had finally made peace with what I had done in that relationship so I wanted to be different the next time around.

There were warning signs from the first day of my last relationship and I realize, if I was as 'ok' emotionally as I thought I was -- I would have went in the other direction. For almost a year, he would break up with me and use that as an excuse to sleep with other women... He would say horrific things to me in these break ups... and for once in my life I found myself saying things like "I'm not going to engage in this -- I'm not going to say things I don't mean just to hurt you... I love you" instead of meeting his venom with my own.

Instead of LEAVING like a 'healthy' person would have done -- I started drinking again. We were trying to "work on things" and with that it was expected for me to just get over everything. In trying to do this, I drank. Obviously this started more problems. When he would do something, because I was drinking -- my reactions would be SO over the top that it erased any ownership he felt he should take. My behaviour also gave him more ammo. In the end, I was just a drunk piece of trash -- who had lost everything. He still HAD it all, his career, no criminal charges, a house, his happiness, and dignity were still intact. Aside from love, I stayed in the relationship for the last few months to PROVE I wasn't these things he was saying. However, the longer I stayed -- the more I made the nasty things he said about me a reality. How can you argue that you're not a waste of a human being when you're getting drunk all the time and waking up at the police station, not knowing how you got there?

In the last five days -- I have spent so much time thinking about how I want to "show him." How I want to "show him" I wasn't someone he should give up on. How I want to "show him" that I'm not all those things he has spewed at me. I have been thinking about the moment he gets in his next relationship and it doesn't work out because he gets mad at her for making him wait in the hall that extra minute or she gives him a disapproving look. It gives me SATISFACTION to think of this... Even though I probably won't ever hear about it.

How do I just LET THIS GO? I don't want to be this person. I don't want to spend my nights thinking about this. I don't want to be someone who hopes someone else screws things up for themselves -- I want to genuinely hope the best for him. I want to focus on my own sobriety as a thing that I WANT for my own life -- not to "show him." Because he's addicted to the drama of it all -- I know he'll check back in, if not just once. Instead of waiting for that moment just to be like "HA in your face -- I'm doing so well..." How do I just get to a point where I let that feeling GO and be proud of doing so well for me and not him? I don't want to be vengeful. I don't want to live well because it's the "best revenge..." I KNOW deep down I am not those things he says I am... so why do I so desperately feel the need to prove it to him? At the end of the day, I just want to be kind... and this line of thinking does NOT fit in with that version of who I want to be.

choublak

I'm trying to figure this out myself. I wish I had some advice or something to give.

Luling

I think it's okay to feel angry and want a little revenge -- as long as you don't let it distract you from taking the steps you need to take for yourself. You know what you have to do to get better, and you are doing it. In time, your feelings will follow your actions. You'll find that you don't have so much room for your anger, so you'll let it go, a little bit at a time. As long as you don't feed it, it will get better.

I do think he sounds like someone you would be better off avoiding at all costs, he's not good for you. And when you find yourself thinking about him, it's okay -- think about him for a minute, then let the thought go on to something else. One day he will see what a great person you are and he'll realize how wrong he was about you, but by then you probably won't even care (okay, a little smugness might be in order), because you'll be so busy being fabulous.

Fandy

it's been over 2 years since i broke it off with "Mr. Fandy". i felt like this at one point, but over time it's got MUCH less important. i have so much more to look forward to with MY life. his drama can remain with him, it's no longer my problem

jobei

Surrender your anger to a higher power. That's the only way it worked for me and my ex.

Anna

Revenge is a toxic emotion.

I am a firm believer in the law of attraction. What you put out there, is what you get back. When you are putting out nasty, negative thoughts and actions, that's exactly what will continue to come into your life. When you begin to put out compassionate, caring thoughts, your life will change.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It does not mean that what happened to you doesn't matter or that it's forgotten. It means that you no longer have to carry the negative stuff on your back, day in and day out. You can choose to let go. It is a choice, and you will feel lighter.

You might want to read 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle. It's an amazing book.

EXM6

Definitely! It's funny how crippling anger can be. It's like you're stuck in that exact same spot if you keep feeding the beast. It could be ten years, and it's like it happened yesterday because you've been feeding it that long. Meanwhile, the other person feels the ten years that has passed and the situation feels like a lifetime ago.

Also, sooo true. You get to a place where you actually feel BAD because you've finally found forgiveness for the person and have moved on. All you say just resonates how stuck I could be if I keep giving into the thoughts. I don't want to be stuck -- it's just hard getting out!

EXM6

Just like your quote says "I've seen too much to go back and pretend..." I'm glad you've found the place you are in now.

EXM6

I'm definitely trying! haha, I have my many moments where I'm not angry and just try to throw all my emotions back into the Universe and let it rest. Now I just need to find the strength to ignore the thoughts.

EXM6

Everything you've said here is EXACTLY how I feel. I don't WANT to be revengeful... I'd rather be the compassionate and caring person that you speak of. I try to control my thoughts, sometimes they just sneak in. It's exhausting being so angry.

I spend just as much energy trying to find it within myself to forgive him as I do being angry... I hope with time this becomes less even. I know, no matter what he may have done in our relationship... He DIDN'T lead me to the mistakes I have made with alcohol. Even if I waited and managed to not drink through this chaos, it would have eventually been something else because I still hadn't made the decision to NOT drink. He has his own issues, and I wish I could find it within myself to be accepting and empathetic to that thus finding myself able to forgive. Just, how the heck do you get there?

I will definitely check out the read -- thanks for the recommendation!

ReadyAndAble

Oh, I know how you feel. When I'm confronted by petty or selfish or mean behavior, I tend to fantasize about how I could get even, and often those fantasies involving stooping to their level. But you know what? I've realized that being petty or selfish or mean does not make me feel better at all—I always end up feeling worse. I also remind myself that what someone else says or does doesn't really harm me; it may make me feel bad, but I'm still the same person inside. But if I behave badly, in a way that reduces my self-respect, well then I have suffered actual harm. I've changed myself, and not for the better.

So I've concluded the best revenge is to not be like them. to feel sorry for them, because they can't see the difference between right and wrong. And to feel pride in myself for recognizing the difference, and trying to do the right thing.

Fandy

I started out with gratitude and would post every night that I was "faking it until I can make it".
then anger/resentment turned to apathy (no I'm not AA)

one day I realized that I had made it...and most of my anger had dissappated. i no longer felt like I was carrying a big sack of rocks around my neck.

WritingFromLife

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal, and part of the grieving process of a break-up. If it lasts a long time, or if you act on it, different story! books on forgiveness (FORGIVE FOR GOOD Luskin is a good one) might help you change your perspective and bring about that love that is really in your heart! It's frustrating though...when you feel something, and you know it's not how you really are---and in fact, that's it---you are NOT your feelings--

BadCompany

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...stillness.html


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...esentment.html

Here are a few articles I have posted concerning resentment. Hope they help.

EXM6

Ugh, you're sooooo right! Whenever I lose myself in that way, I feel like a big giant idiot -- regardless of what may have come before it. It doesn't matter how someone treats you, if they treat you poorly -- you just don't put up with it... That doesn't mean acting hurtful back, it means walking away.

It's funny that I posted about this today. I swear to god the Universe is testing me in a big way at this point in my life. My daughter left tonight and I have not been able to successfully NOT drink yet when she's not here. I go to the store, load myself up with some Pepsi and come home. Who happens to be right outside of my apartment playing ultimate frisbee? Yup, the ex. Instead of ordering a bottle, I called a friend. I'm sure he's waiting for a reaction, a text message, a drunken phone call... Anything. He's not getting it this time. It's time to wish him well and like Fandy said, leave the drama with him.

Dee74

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

D

EXM6

That's absolutely perfect. Thank you.

Impurrfect

I wanted revenge on my first XABF, one I committed about 20 years to (he did NOT commit, had other gf's, and I accepted it)

I worked my recovery, both for addiction and codependency. Recently met up with a mutual friend, find out he's married one of the other gf's and instanly went to "why her? why didn't he commit to me?!?!"

I came her, I made myself write a list of pros and cons with him. Yes, there were good times, but I always had to "pay" for it. Why did he choose her? Because he can do whatever he wants and she will allow it.

I wish them both the best, am grateful that I'm no longer in the picture. If I ever come in contact with him, I will make amends... I was sick with codependency, clingy, thought he was vital to life.

I've grown, over the past 5 years in recovery from addiction and codie-ness. He couldn't handle the person I am now, as I have grown. I've gone from thinking a man completed my life to wanting someone who complemented my life.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

EXM6

Geeze, I'm this bad after a year -- I can't even fathom 20! Good for you for getting out.

I could definitely see that. I went back and forth between being a little jellyfish with no spine, and finding my strength and speaking up for myself before the drinking started. Interestingly enough, all the break ups happened on the days I would stand up for myself... And in the first half, I really did it in a reasonable way and he'd leave every time, sleep with someone else, and then beg for me back -- or I'd have another jellyfish moment and beg for him back. If he couldn't deal with that -- he'll NEVER handle the person I am working towards being, and WILL be.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

SASA

I know it sounds funny what I will say, love is the answer.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

So if you really loved him, you would want him to be happy and if this means being without you that should be okay too. True basic love is pure. Everybody has problems and acts due to many different reasons, we may never undertsand them. We can remove ourselfs from the environment and just forgive and be thankful for the lessons and times we learnd and spent togehter.