Sasha4

I have not had a drink in ages.

I just cannot do it.

I am proud that I have managed to not drink at home in the evening, on holiday recently and at Christmas and New year, which in the past would have been boozy affairs.

My anti-depressants seem to be working better, when they are not mixed with booze.

But - i feel awful. I don't know how to describe my feelings.

I feel anxious all the time, especially the mornings.

I keep remembering horrible behaviour from myself and towards others.

I feel resentful how some aspects of my life have turned out. And this is a lot of mine own doing, because I think I knew deep down that things were not right.

I should have gone, but I stayed and I used booze to cope with it all. So no-one to blame but me and my lack of courage.

My partner does not seem to be understanding or have any empathy for me. That makes me think, in life, no-one really knows you or understands you and and that makes me feel lonely.

I think that although now I don't have to cope with the booze side effects, things are clearer, but perhaps not in a good way.

Its made me see that in some ways, yes I was bad, but there were reasons for it.
Genuine upset, hurt feelings, stress I had little control of.

It also makes me realise that my partner used to get at me for how I was but he was often no better. And he seems to forget a lot of the hurtful things he said and did.

In fact he even said to me " do you know the reason why I drank so heavily? It was because I could not cope with things I did'

Does he not know that this is the exact same reason I did? Is that not why a lot of us drank - to escape reality and the mess we made? Did he think that I enjoyed the years when I felt wretched and drank and drank to cope with it.

I know he has sent messages to some of my friends about my worries and I don't think it's fair.

For example - he had an affair and moved out to be with her when our baby was 3 months old. Another man wanted to take me out but I was so hurt and horrified that he had ruined everything, there was no way I could see or date another man. It just would not be right.

Yet he sent a message to a friend complaining that there was this 'man on the scene when he moved out'.

He neglected to say he moved out because he started an affair when I was pregnant. But all he would say is that I was a nightmare to live with. Yes in some ways I was. But it turned out I was very poorly with my pregnancy. I was also hormonal and he also was cruel at times as he was seeing someone else and really wanted to be with her rather than cot shopping with me or coming to scans.

There was no man on the scene and even if there was we were not together so what business was it of his?

He asked an ex boss to talk to me about stress at work as I had a meeting due to a fall out between me and my manager and was convinced I was going to be sacked. She replied with a message saying that I never change and that until it's over I would make his life unbearable.

He never mentioned the huge debt he had built up again and my fears that there was no way financially we would have survived if I lost my job. The impact on our daughter would have been really bad. I pay all her childcare as he is so broke so she would have to leave nursery which she adores.

Is this my punishment for drinking and the effect it has had on others around me?

I'm sorry for the giant post. I just needed someone somewhere to confide in as I have no here else to turn.

I don't understand the world and seem not to be able to live and cope in it anyway.

I wish I could vanish from the face of the world at the moment.

Sapling

Hey sasha...This is a great place for support.....I just have a question for you. Have you ever considered face to face support?...Like AA?...Being around some people that are recovered and want to help you? People you can hang out with...And talk to?

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry you're struggling with these emotions.

It seems like you're full of guilt, shame and resentment and those feelings can cause so many problems in your life.

The bottom line is that I hope you can learn to forgive yourself and to forgive your partner. Let go of the negative feelings that are dragging you down. It doesn't mean that you say it was okay to be treated badly or to treat others badly, but it means you are lifting the negative burden from your shoulders. You can choose to not carry it any longer.

When I stopped drinking I desperately wanted my family to understand how my alcoholism had happened, what had gone wrong with me. The reality was they really didn't want to hear about it. Of course they wanted me to be better, but beyond that there was little interest. I realized at that point, that yes, we are alone in this journey in some ways, but when I look around here at SR, I see many other people who are on the same journey and we can share.

Have you considered couples counselling for the problems with you and your partner?

Dee74

I can't give better advice than Anna did Sasha.
I'm really glad to see you back tho - there's a lot of support here

D

Sasha4

I attend AA meetings and I find them really helpful. I feel safe there.

Anna you right - I am full to the brim of self loathing, hatred for myself, shame, guilt and a big dollop of unworthy too.

I am just so lonely and I suppose so sad, and very,very tired of everything.

Are all relationships this hard?

Does everyone walk around thinking I don't fit in here and feel on edge all the time?

I have never had unrealistic ambitions and hope, I just wanted normal....

Sapling

I do too...I'll tell you what is more helpful...Have somebody take you through those 12 steps....That's how I dealt with the shame, guilt and remorse. It changed my life. And saved it.

Zencat

As Anna suggested, couples therapy may be the way to go. Also it may be helpful to see a therapist on you own.

I've been very fortunate to have psychiatric, therapy and groups to help me be relieved of many emotional problems. There are times that professional help is needed for serious emotional problems. Self-help groups are great, but my needs exceeded their ability to help. I had to much at risk (my sanity) to be rehabilitated by lay people.

Sapling

AA treats alcoholism...If that's your problem...That's what it's for.

Michael66

Hi Sasha,

I don't know what to advise, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless you +

Michael

LoftyIdeals

Hi Sasha...

Congrats on your sobriety. There are many parts of my life where I used alcohol to mask the pain, including relationships. It's hard to soberly face the scenarios that were created during our drinking days, but that's what we have to do. If we flee back to alcohol, we are just rebuilding the bad and delaying the inevitable. I'm glad you are not doing that.

I encourage you to lift this up to God in prayer. It works!

Sasha4

I'm going to try, but another awful day.

At least I am at home now, out of view and I can cry as much as I want without having to explain.

I have decided that I need to put 'operation disappear' into action and gradually shed all of my previous life away - friends, limited family contact, home, work, social activities etc etc.

Then there will be no more hurt feelings, crossed wires and there can only be me to make me feel bad, no-ne else.

Thanks for your kind words

Sapling

Operation disappear....That's where I was when I got into recovery. It was driving me fricken insane.

Zencat

I think I get what your saying. There was a time that I needed a place to retreat to. A place where I could recuperate without a bunch of distractions, stressors and interruptions so I could work on my recovery. I connected with helping others in my community to help me along. I made a lot of progress because of my peaceful and safe surroundings. I hope you find what you need to be in a better place emotionally/mentally/physically.

Sasha4

I just want to be on my own, far far away.

To never have to 'take part' in life again.

I have made some plans so that financially I will be okay. If I can just hang on for a couple more months.

It gives me great pleasure to disappear into my own head and plan what it will be like. I think these thoughts are the only thing keeping me going.

I don't think I even want to drink over the bad thoughts I have anymore.
I know I feel bad enough without an extra helping of anxiety and paranoid thoughts brought on by one teeny tiny drink.
The chest pains I am having are horrific enough without adding any self medications like booze.

I know drink is not a happiness maker for me.
All it did was just delay me facing up to the problems I have to live with today.
All it did was break or my dreams, goals and happiness.

I don't know if I am making any sense whatsoever.

Sapling

Makes sense to me Sasha...Don't drink.

roseblossom

This is what I had to do too at one point in time. My ex-husband did the same as yours. He cheated during my pregnancy, didn't see the baby for 3 months and continued to see the woman after the birth. Meanwhile, as far as he was concerned, I was seeing someone else. There came a time when I was tired of the accusations, cheating and disrespect. I changed locations moving 2 hours away with my children. I found peace, happiness and a new life. Everything became so much easier when I eliminated the negative people from my life. I did not have problems with substances then as that was years ago but I did have self-esteem problems due to a marriage from heck. Whatever you choose, make yourself and your children happy first. Worry about the rest later. We really do teach people how to treat us. Your in my prayers.

bloss

Have you tried talking to a therapist, discussed with your doctor how bad you feel? Stopping drinking is terribly hard, sometimes we need extra help like it says in the Big Book.

roseblossom

I'm getting excited for you because i remember the feeling your describing! Hang in there! Tell yourself you can make your best plans with a clear, sober mind. Get excited! Your time has come!

Sasha4

Roseblossom - do you still have contact with your ex husband, if you don't mind me asking? Could you tell me some more of your story please, as long as it is not painful for you or you don't want to?

Did you feel like you would be eternally heart broken too, like I do?
Does it ever get less painful?

I just hope in a year I have done it, and I am not still talking about it.