Edat84

These past few weeks I've been letting my addiction win. I've been sneaking to the liquor store before going to my out patient counseling. I have no license so I do all this after I'm dropped off. I'm having the hardest time finding hope that things will get better. And feel alone. All I do all day is plot when and how I can sneak my next drink to escape reality. And the whole time I know I'm just feeding my addiction and wasting my energy when I can be using it to fight back. But I just feel stuck.

scrambled2012

Hi Edat,

It is good that you have written these words down. In the midst of your outpatient treatment and while still using, you have grown in your self awairness and self-honesty, enough to write and post these truths.

You might want to print out your statement, and make it more real. You may also want to share it with someone close to you, if you have enough trust in them. I know the further feedback you will recieve here will add ideas better then this; but I also think, I really believe, that the self awaireness and honesty you are showing right now is the spark within you that is fighting to be free.

DisplacedGRITS

Hi Edat. I know how you feel. You haven't hit your rock bottom so how about you bring your rock bottom up to hit you? Do some real thinking about your life. Think even about the short term. In a week you could be walking the same path or starting a new one to sobriety. You can start now or you can start later. It's your decision but you need to decide and stop playing games and pretending you're fooling people. You think they don't know? They do. And if they don't they'll find out then you're right back to where you were. Brutal, horrible straight up honesty with yourself and others is all you can do right now. Answer honestly. Do you want sobriety? Are you ready to commit to being sober? Are you willing to do ANYTHING to stay sober? If you're not ready than at l.east be honest with yourself and others and end the charade. Lying will keep you in your addiction. Honesty will set you free.

Edat84

I know this is part of my issue. I feel I have nobody to talk honestly and share where I'm at. Without the fear of being judged or harassed.

DisplacedGRITS

Considered AA? Worked wonders for me and i'm an agnostic.

Edat84

Yes I have attended NA and AA. I used to do opiates before I feel back to the drink. When I was working a 12 step program things where so much better. I read my BB and the NA book everyday. But since I lost my license it's hard enough to find rides to my out patient. Let alone to a meeting.

DisplacedGRITS

Try calling some AA numbers. You may be able to get a ride. If it helped in the past it's worth a shot now. Use every tool avaliable to you. Sobriety is worth it. Remember, people in AA are always looking to be of service. It does us good to be of help and helps us on our path of sobriety. Reach out for the hand of the recovery and you'll find it reaching back for you.

Threshold

Edat, sorry you have no meetings easily available, but very glad you are staying in the literature.

I went through the "sneaking" phase...playing the "let's see what I can get away with!" game helped distract me from the real issue. The only one I was cheating was ME...and robbing myself of time, life, wellness.

Playing like I was a naughty teen was fun sometimes...but it didn't get me anywhere but into more trouble.

My daughter is potty training my grandson...I was offering suggestions. I asked her if she'd let him know how his life would improve, he'd have more control and be able to do more things when he was potty trained. She said he just says "no" he won't use it.

Hmmm...Sounds a LOT like his grandmother. Having too much fun saying no...and letting the good life sail on by.

I think I was in love with the drama (some days I still am) of being an addict, struggling to quit, failing, hand wringing, calling people, crying...

I had to get tired of myself, and my games and just do this thing, not put the responsibility on other people, their availability, meetings, etc etc.

I learned recovery can be just as much a "game" as addiction, with all sorts of distractions, drama, finger pointing etc...or I can stop playing around and get on with life. Like my grandson, "P*ss or get off the pot"