Tough Love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 518
Tough Love
I've been avoiding SR.
You guys know why.
I am pretty much on the verge of giving up.
I have waited over a month for an appointment with an addictions counsellor and apparently it is going to take even longer. My doc won't see me for 5 weeks and I can't book an appointment with a therapist if my life depended on it (still on hold...20 minutes and counting).
Just wanted to let you know.
Not sure what I am doing wrong here...but nothing seems to be working out in my favour. I work hard and nothing new happens. I do good for a while and then I am back at it.
So I am going to take a hiatus from here. As much as it has helped me in really tough times I just feel like it isn't fair to the people that want it even more then I do.
I mean...I want it, A LOT....but I just can't do it.
I don't want it to kill me.
I really really hope that it doesn't.
I know this post will be met with some harsh words...because here I am again...try and fail, try and fail.
Thanks to everyone that was so incredibly supportive...you are all amazing and have helped so many people...
You guys know why.
I am pretty much on the verge of giving up.
I have waited over a month for an appointment with an addictions counsellor and apparently it is going to take even longer. My doc won't see me for 5 weeks and I can't book an appointment with a therapist if my life depended on it (still on hold...20 minutes and counting).
Just wanted to let you know.
Not sure what I am doing wrong here...but nothing seems to be working out in my favour. I work hard and nothing new happens. I do good for a while and then I am back at it.
So I am going to take a hiatus from here. As much as it has helped me in really tough times I just feel like it isn't fair to the people that want it even more then I do.
I mean...I want it, A LOT....but I just can't do it.
I don't want it to kill me.
I really really hope that it doesn't.
I know this post will be met with some harsh words...because here I am again...try and fail, try and fail.
Thanks to everyone that was so incredibly supportive...you are all amazing and have helped so many people...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'll repeat what I've read so many times. (and skip the AA lecture, if you want it, you'll go, shoving it down your throat won't help).
there isn't any shame in failing, but in not trying. (i'm paraphrasing, but you get the meaning). i don't think i have enough digits to count my re-starts, I just never advertised them.
just because you fail is no reason to leave. Read and post for YOU, don't worry about the rest. if you get encouragement and support here, why leave.
there isn't any shame in failing, but in not trying. (i'm paraphrasing, but you get the meaning). i don't think i have enough digits to count my re-starts, I just never advertised them.
just because you fail is no reason to leave. Read and post for YOU, don't worry about the rest. if you get encouragement and support here, why leave.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
When the lottery first came to Virginia, I remember one of their advertisements for the big weekly drawing:
Chances of winning: 1 in 700 Million
Chances of winning if you don't play: Zero
Same thing with getting sober.
Good luck.
Chances of winning: 1 in 700 Million
Chances of winning if you don't play: Zero
Same thing with getting sober.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I was going to say AA too Bayliss.
I think I expected too much help from my doctors..I would have thought that some kind of understanding of urgency would have been a given...I ended up getting passed around and even when I did get to see an addictions counsellor it did me no good.
I bet if you wrote a list there will be things you haven't tried, or things you could have tried harder at. I'm not being mean, it's just that I know that's kinda what I did. Lots of excuses. They certainly don't feel like excuses at the time though so I can understand the despair you are feeling now.
Lots of hugs...and I really hope you won't leave here just yet x
I think I expected too much help from my doctors..I would have thought that some kind of understanding of urgency would have been a given...I ended up getting passed around and even when I did get to see an addictions counsellor it did me no good.
I bet if you wrote a list there will be things you haven't tried, or things you could have tried harder at. I'm not being mean, it's just that I know that's kinda what I did. Lots of excuses. They certainly don't feel like excuses at the time though so I can understand the despair you are feeling now.
Lots of hugs...and I really hope you won't leave here just yet x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by bayliss 
So I am going to take a hiatus from here. As much as it has helped me in really tough times I just feel like it isn't fair to the people that want it even more then I do.
SR works for you and helps you....this website isn't just for people who don't have slips or relapses. Keep coming back while you're waiting for treatment.
Pity parties not allowed. If you want it, keep after it! Hope to see you post again today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wis
Posts: 172
Bayliss, do not leave. I just had my first relapse yesterday. I will not let it stop me nor would I let the 20th relapse stop me. You said you honestly want to be sober so your have to keep fighting. Don't drink today!! Post tomorrow if you made it through today and we will take it from there. Today is day one for me as well. If you want to do this together I have no problem. Lets make today the first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 518
I just feel like I keep disappointing everyone...more so when I am disappointing so much in myself.
AA doesn't work for me. I did it. I went. I read the Big Book. I had a semi-sponsor (don't ask) and tried working the steps. It just isn't for me.
I am ashamed to say that I always start up with good intentions. But I never write my plans out and WORK THEM OUT from day to day.
I have a fantastic day or two or three and then decide "hey! I can do this! I can be a "normal" person"...there is no such thing as normal. I know...
I KNOW that I need to try HARDER.
But I always feel like I am giving it my all and then this happens.
I know that no one here is perfect.
I am a perfectionist though...and feel like if I don't do my best and 100% then it isn't worth it. What a warped way of thinking. I know.
I had ice cream the other day from an ice cream shop...I didn't realize that next to my cappuccino biscotti flavor was a rum one...so some of that had dropped into my ice cream...as soon as I had that hit of rum or two...I thought "I FAILED!" and the AV went into overdrive.
GAHH!
THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!
AA doesn't work for me. I did it. I went. I read the Big Book. I had a semi-sponsor (don't ask) and tried working the steps. It just isn't for me.
I am ashamed to say that I always start up with good intentions. But I never write my plans out and WORK THEM OUT from day to day.
I have a fantastic day or two or three and then decide "hey! I can do this! I can be a "normal" person"...there is no such thing as normal. I know...
I KNOW that I need to try HARDER.
But I always feel like I am giving it my all and then this happens.
I know that no one here is perfect.
I am a perfectionist though...and feel like if I don't do my best and 100% then it isn't worth it. What a warped way of thinking. I know.
I had ice cream the other day from an ice cream shop...I didn't realize that next to my cappuccino biscotti flavor was a rum one...so some of that had dropped into my ice cream...as soon as I had that hit of rum or two...I thought "I FAILED!" and the AV went into overdrive.
GAHH!
THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by bayliss
Tough love towards myself too.
Call around for other therapists. You will find one. And honestly, I'd go to a meeting while you're waiting for treatment. At least you won't be drinking IN the meeting, it's focused on recovery and you might meet a nice person or two there. Not a waste of time, if you are waiting for access to treatment, IMO. Get a therapist and then dump the AA meeting if you want to, but honestly I would get out and get to some kind of recovery-oriented activity.
Remember your "why" from your first post. Everyone here knows the pain you're in and what the temptations are. Post as much as you want. I'll be reading and even if I don't have any good advice I'll keep you in my thoughts and send you a smiley or two.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
You aren't disappointing anyone here!!! It helps all of us to read how other people are coping. It's that sense of solidarity and understanding that is so vital yo us all.
Some people are doing brilliantly, some are relapsing, some are hopeful, some anxious. But there isn't a single one of us who hasn't struggled and felt despair at some point. Helping each other along is what keeps us all strong. Your battles might touch someone else who is reading, who has been in the same position and found their way through.
Don't stop posting. We are all standing alongside you and have our hands and hearts open. Don't give up xxxx
Some people are doing brilliantly, some are relapsing, some are hopeful, some anxious. But there isn't a single one of us who hasn't struggled and felt despair at some point. Helping each other along is what keeps us all strong. Your battles might touch someone else who is reading, who has been in the same position and found their way through.
Don't stop posting. We are all standing alongside you and have our hands and hearts open. Don't give up xxxx
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I get how some ppl don't like AA...... and don't like that we mention it alllllllll the time..... but we mention it because it DOES indeed work if the person is willing to go through the steps.
Bayliss....sure, keep trying. Most AA folks had to burn up all other options before they were willing to surrender and start doing that which they reeeeeally didn't want to do - ie, work steps that they didn't like, believe in, or think would work. For some, they can hit meetings and that's that - life gets better and they stop. Others can work some of the steps and get better. Some have to work all the steps once and they're good. For whatever reason, ppl like me have to work them all the time, over and over. For ppl like me it's not a "take what you want and leave the rest" deal - belieeeeeve me, I tried.
If you're in the class I am, reading, meetings and some step-work is close to doing nothing at all - again....I tried my darndest to just do parts of it. It just didn't work for me until I surrendered to it big-time and just did it. Granted......I was pondering shooting myself not too soon before so, you can say, I'd gone pretty low before I finally gave in (and, from the outside, my life looked pretty good - pretty "functional").
If you're just that dead against it.......I'll just pray that you're not in the class I am - those who can't stop no matter what. Those who, even when they stop (which is darn near impossible), still can't find a manner of living that completes them and feels OK. Those who have no choice BUT to find a spiritual solution.
.....last thing I'll say about AA here unless someone asks me directly (and this is really directed at someone other than Bayliss who's considering "trying" AA):
Going to meetings isn't "doing AA."
Reading the book isn't "doing AA."
Trying some steps isn't "doing AA."
That might help a LOT of folks......but for some alcoholics, those things above are not going to cut the mustard. The 12 steps were the 12 things ppl have been doing to recover for almost 100 years. Follow part of the map and you're not going to get to the same destination. You might get somewhere nice......but it'll be different. If that destination is sobriety/happy/recovered.......and you're the type of alkie who needs the "whole pie" and not just a piece.....then I'll warn you - don't look to cut corners.
Working the first 11 steps, getting that spiritual transformation that comes as THE guaranteed result of doing them, practicing those same principles in all your affairs and perhaps most importantly - helping others to get the same thing you just got === that's "doing AA." I've never met or even heard of anyone who's done that who didn't overcome booze AND get a better/happier life.
Bayliss....sure, keep trying. Most AA folks had to burn up all other options before they were willing to surrender and start doing that which they reeeeeally didn't want to do - ie, work steps that they didn't like, believe in, or think would work. For some, they can hit meetings and that's that - life gets better and they stop. Others can work some of the steps and get better. Some have to work all the steps once and they're good. For whatever reason, ppl like me have to work them all the time, over and over. For ppl like me it's not a "take what you want and leave the rest" deal - belieeeeeve me, I tried.
If you're in the class I am, reading, meetings and some step-work is close to doing nothing at all - again....I tried my darndest to just do parts of it. It just didn't work for me until I surrendered to it big-time and just did it. Granted......I was pondering shooting myself not too soon before so, you can say, I'd gone pretty low before I finally gave in (and, from the outside, my life looked pretty good - pretty "functional").
If you're just that dead against it.......I'll just pray that you're not in the class I am - those who can't stop no matter what. Those who, even when they stop (which is darn near impossible), still can't find a manner of living that completes them and feels OK. Those who have no choice BUT to find a spiritual solution.
.....last thing I'll say about AA here unless someone asks me directly (and this is really directed at someone other than Bayliss who's considering "trying" AA):
Going to meetings isn't "doing AA."
Reading the book isn't "doing AA."
Trying some steps isn't "doing AA."
That might help a LOT of folks......but for some alcoholics, those things above are not going to cut the mustard. The 12 steps were the 12 things ppl have been doing to recover for almost 100 years. Follow part of the map and you're not going to get to the same destination. You might get somewhere nice......but it'll be different. If that destination is sobriety/happy/recovered.......and you're the type of alkie who needs the "whole pie" and not just a piece.....then I'll warn you - don't look to cut corners.
Working the first 11 steps, getting that spiritual transformation that comes as THE guaranteed result of doing them, practicing those same principles in all your affairs and perhaps most importantly - helping others to get the same thing you just got === that's "doing AA." I've never met or even heard of anyone who's done that who didn't overcome booze AND get a better/happier life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi bayliss
I'm sorry things don't seem to be going right - but really - they rarely do. It's part of the challenge of early recovery.
I really don't think this is the time to give up.
I always thought I was working hard enough too - but the plain fact is I was still drinking....there was clearly more work to do.
If you can't get into one doctor, ring 2 dozen or 3 dozen more.
If AA is not for you, try SMART, try Rational Recovery, try SOS, try LifeRing.
If none of that works, try rehabs.
You can do this. You're no different to anyone else here.
The thing is - you have to want to do this - and if you want it, you'll never give up, even in the rough times, and you'll stay here....
You'll get back what you put into your recovery.
You've had the advice, love and support of all of us for a long time and that will continue if you want it to...but the balls with you Bayliss, and its time for you to pick it up.
I really hope you do
I'm sorry things don't seem to be going right - but really - they rarely do. It's part of the challenge of early recovery.
I really don't think this is the time to give up.
I always thought I was working hard enough too - but the plain fact is I was still drinking....there was clearly more work to do.
If you can't get into one doctor, ring 2 dozen or 3 dozen more.
If AA is not for you, try SMART, try Rational Recovery, try SOS, try LifeRing.
If none of that works, try rehabs.
You can do this. You're no different to anyone else here.
The thing is - you have to want to do this - and if you want it, you'll never give up, even in the rough times, and you'll stay here....
You'll get back what you put into your recovery.
You've had the advice, love and support of all of us for a long time and that will continue if you want it to...but the balls with you Bayliss, and its time for you to pick it up.
I really hope you do
Last edited by Dee74; 05-23-2012 at 03:18 PM.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Bayliss ... you and I are cut from the same cloth. Believe me when I tell you that I understand EXACTLY where you are right now. I'm not meaning to be cruel ... not at all. I feel for you and it hurts me to see where you are right now. Reach out. Please. I'm here for you - truly. I want what you want for yourself. Let's do this thing ... take it ... make it ... make it yours. Let me help.
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