Tough Love
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
Bayliss don't feel bad or that you're weird because you are finding it hard to stop.
The only thing that finally got me to stop was law enforcement; that was the thing that made me go unitl day four, for the first time in I don't know how long. I was scared and wanted to be as sharp as possiable going before the judge.
Bayless, for months before that, months and months, day after day after day I had started each morning saying never again and ended each day drinking. Maybe once or twice I was able to make it two days without drinking at all, but that was rare.
I was drinkng more then I was earning, my vision was blurry, my memory was clearly being harmed; all of this, and yet I coudn't bring myself to stop.
Don't be down on yourself. Stopping is hard as hell. Fear helped me to finally get some momentum going, SR helped me to keep that momentum; Grace of God I will stay stright. I remember being stuck, I don't want to go back to that, because it was so hard to get unstuck.
I don't know what might help you, I wish I knew the right words. All I can say is I'm here; we are here, for you with whatever advise, support, and friendship we can offer. You are not in this alone. Take the pressure off yourself, read, hang out, post, and be good to you. See what happens while you wait for an appointment, or go to a meeting or don't go to a meeting, whatever, but don't give up and don't feel you need to be perfect to be here. None of us are perfect, never will be, never have been.
wishing you the very best~~~~
The only thing that finally got me to stop was law enforcement; that was the thing that made me go unitl day four, for the first time in I don't know how long. I was scared and wanted to be as sharp as possiable going before the judge.
Bayless, for months before that, months and months, day after day after day I had started each morning saying never again and ended each day drinking. Maybe once or twice I was able to make it two days without drinking at all, but that was rare.
I was drinkng more then I was earning, my vision was blurry, my memory was clearly being harmed; all of this, and yet I coudn't bring myself to stop.
Don't be down on yourself. Stopping is hard as hell. Fear helped me to finally get some momentum going, SR helped me to keep that momentum; Grace of God I will stay stright. I remember being stuck, I don't want to go back to that, because it was so hard to get unstuck.
I don't know what might help you, I wish I knew the right words. All I can say is I'm here; we are here, for you with whatever advise, support, and friendship we can offer. You are not in this alone. Take the pressure off yourself, read, hang out, post, and be good to you. See what happens while you wait for an appointment, or go to a meeting or don't go to a meeting, whatever, but don't give up and don't feel you need to be perfect to be here. None of us are perfect, never will be, never have been.
wishing you the very best~~~~
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Republic of Ireland
Posts: 93
Listen to all those replies babes, and just don't give up. We are all in the same situation|
This forum is the best for support and no one here is to judge you.
We all want to try and help each other get through tough times.
Take Care. x
This forum is the best for support and no one here is to judge you.
We all want to try and help each other get through tough times.
Take Care. x
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Bayliss, i'd love it if you stayed around. You only really fail if you give up and you haven't given up yet. You're fighting. You're fighting your a** off. Have you considered having an accountability partner from SR? I'm early in my recovery as well but i'd love to help. You don't need to apologize to anyone here. You haven't let us down. We are friends in this journey and walk together but in the end it is a personal journey. You only need to apologize to yourself. We are here for support. Nothing else. Your recovery is for you, not us. Are you trying to gain sobriety for yourself or for those around you? You must be number 1. Be selfish about it. It's for you. If other people benifit from your sobriety than that's just icing on the cake. I hope you stick around. You're not a lost cause. You're still fighting and we're still here to help you fight.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
No matter what's going on, Bayliss - please don't stop checking in. Like Fandy, I had many failed beginnings, but I never said anything. I knew I'd get it someday, and I did. You will too - when the time is right. You're part of the family, and we don't want to lose you. This forum isn't just for triumphs and success stories. It's for all phases of recovery, struggles and setbacks included.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Bayliss, glad you came back! It would be pretty silly to have a recovery site just for folks who have successfully left alcohol and drugs behind, now wouldn't it? 
Not to mention tedious, because once people escape addiction, it seems the most popular activity is to argue about the best way for everyone else to escape addiction. 
So forget about recovery for a second. Let's talk about drinking. What do you get out of it? I mean, you have shared some pretty terrible stories about what happens when you drink. I remember a week or two ago you said you had a couple drinks and nothing bad happened—but that's not exactly the same thing as saying, woohoo, that was awesome. You may be only 25, but it seems like you've already hit the point where drinking is no longer any fun at all.
So what is it—what makes it so hard for you to embrace the idea of never having to feel that way again?
And why do you need to wait until your see a counselor or your doc? I mean, that's helpful, for sure, but it's not like they have a magic wand or can do the work for you. Those visits would be all the more valuable if you've already gone a few weeks without a drink.
Why not hit a meeting? AA, SMART, whatever. I mean, they may not feel like a good fit or a super fun time.... but it beats the heck out of active alcoholism, doesn't it?
Not to mention tedious, because once people escape addiction, it seems the most popular activity is to argue about the best way for everyone else to escape addiction. So forget about recovery for a second. Let's talk about drinking. What do you get out of it? I mean, you have shared some pretty terrible stories about what happens when you drink. I remember a week or two ago you said you had a couple drinks and nothing bad happened—but that's not exactly the same thing as saying, woohoo, that was awesome. You may be only 25, but it seems like you've already hit the point where drinking is no longer any fun at all.
So what is it—what makes it so hard for you to embrace the idea of never having to feel that way again?
And why do you need to wait until your see a counselor or your doc? I mean, that's helpful, for sure, but it's not like they have a magic wand or can do the work for you. Those visits would be all the more valuable if you've already gone a few weeks without a drink.
Why not hit a meeting? AA, SMART, whatever. I mean, they may not feel like a good fit or a super fun time.... but it beats the heck out of active alcoholism, doesn't it?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Bayliss: I don't believe you're hurting anyones chances here just because you relapse. Quitting is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but that's what makes it so rewarding in the end, and if you want it you will get there. When I first began the recovery process my wife was a heavy drinker, and I often snuck a shot here and there. Everyone thought I was doing so well although I was having fallback after fallback but I eventually got there. Now I'm working on mental issues, and had another meltdown a couple of weeks ago, but I will get there on those issues too. And I know you can get there as well. Even if you don't log on, keep reading as EVERYONE here cares about you even if you do relapse now and then. As has already been said there is a lot of real life support out there as well, take advantage of AA and other support, that's what they're there for. But never ever ever say you can't do it because you can. I wish you the best of luck in whatever your decision is.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm sorry for what you're going through, bayliss. I know how frustrating doctors/psychologists can be sometimes, and I hope you can find some solutions to that soon.:ghug3
I don't think you have to "quit" the forum even if you don't want to post right now. Just know that we care about you and don't want to see you suffer any more from drinking (though most of us have learned through pain, so we understand).
I think you really do want to quit when something bad happens, but that obviously fades and sooner or later another "reason" to drink comes up. I don't think it's about the reasons, though - like ReadyandAble said, it's more about the what alcohol does for you, which in the end is being able to run away from yourself and your feelings about what's happening. It's hard to change direction and start moving towards ourselves, but it's something we have to do sooner or later or die (emotionally and mentally, then physically). We can only be happy by accepting what we feel, accepting what is and living fully in the present. And while that's a big challenge, every step counts.
We're always on your side......:ghug3
I don't think you have to "quit" the forum even if you don't want to post right now. Just know that we care about you and don't want to see you suffer any more from drinking (though most of us have learned through pain, so we understand).
I think you really do want to quit when something bad happens, but that obviously fades and sooner or later another "reason" to drink comes up. I don't think it's about the reasons, though - like ReadyandAble said, it's more about the what alcohol does for you, which in the end is being able to run away from yourself and your feelings about what's happening. It's hard to change direction and start moving towards ourselves, but it's something we have to do sooner or later or die (emotionally and mentally, then physically). We can only be happy by accepting what we feel, accepting what is and living fully in the present. And while that's a big challenge, every step counts.
We're always on your side......:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Hey Bayliss... please don't give up on recovery! I really don't have any advice beyond what others have posted here. Something will work... you just haven't found it yet. What won't work is drinking constantly and you know that. We all do. It's why we're here. You're not letting anyone down... including yourself unless you do GIVE up. You are attempting to do something at a young age that most of us were not even able to come close to doing... it's quite ambitious. Like anything else special in life it is not easy to attain. I've heard people say that they are thankful for the tough things they've been through... that is has made them stronger. This makes sense to me but at the same time if I could go back and remove all of that suffering that I put on others and myself... I would. You don't have to suffer!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: northeast
Posts: 142
Bayliss,
I am in a similar situation as you. I feel as though I can't commit and am in a constant draining struggle with myself. I am weary from it. I am a health nut and excercise freak in all other respects. I also drink to get drunk anywhere from 3-7 days a week because frankly I love the feeling. I do not like what it is doing to me long term though. that is why I hang out here. I only recently started posting, but visiting here has at least kept me from spinning completely out of control. It has also chanllenged me to truly think inwardly about all of this. Even if you choose to keep drinking for now, stay and read, and keep thinking. you might not think you are changing, but somewhere in some dark corner of your brain this sight might just be planting a seed that will take some time to grow to maturity. I hope that is what is happening to me. I forgot wher I heard this but the quote went something like this. "change happens very slowly, and then all at once"
Wonder
I am in a similar situation as you. I feel as though I can't commit and am in a constant draining struggle with myself. I am weary from it. I am a health nut and excercise freak in all other respects. I also drink to get drunk anywhere from 3-7 days a week because frankly I love the feeling. I do not like what it is doing to me long term though. that is why I hang out here. I only recently started posting, but visiting here has at least kept me from spinning completely out of control. It has also chanllenged me to truly think inwardly about all of this. Even if you choose to keep drinking for now, stay and read, and keep thinking. you might not think you are changing, but somewhere in some dark corner of your brain this sight might just be planting a seed that will take some time to grow to maturity. I hope that is what is happening to me. I forgot wher I heard this but the quote went something like this. "change happens very slowly, and then all at once"
Wonder
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by endlesspatience 
Just can't do this on my own any more.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
AA works, bayliss.
It just happens to be the absolute last thing that an alcoholic like me wanted. There was a big part of me that screamed "I'd rather die than submit to those 12 Steps"..... and I could almost hear God say in a soft understanding voice "It's your choice, Bob".
You are going to have to come to the realization that you CAN or CANNOT drive your own bus to sobriety, then either DRIVE it or let AA drive it.
All the best, I have stood where you are and decided to give AA a chance.
I would have died in '89 if I hadn't have.
Bob R
It just happens to be the absolute last thing that an alcoholic like me wanted. There was a big part of me that screamed "I'd rather die than submit to those 12 Steps"..... and I could almost hear God say in a soft understanding voice "It's your choice, Bob".
You are going to have to come to the realization that you CAN or CANNOT drive your own bus to sobriety, then either DRIVE it or let AA drive it.
All the best, I have stood where you are and decided to give AA a chance.
I would have died in '89 if I hadn't have.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: California
Posts: 34
Hey bayliss~
I don't believe this is a hopeless case, maybe you're simply not ready to make a commitment to sobriety. The good news is that you are aware of the problem and investigating the solution. I knew I had a problem years ago, yet I had no interest in giving up on drinking. I lost a lot in my life...all of it due to alcohol. That only caused me to drink more. I thought it couldn't get any worse...Wrong.
Someone on this thread mentioned...fear, that often fear is what drives us to sobriety. This rings true with me or I would still be at it. I drank myself into survival mode. My once comfy life has become a distant memory.
Now I'm nearly old enough to be your mother and I am starting over again from scratch. In my twenties I was extremely successful. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself in this predicament at this point in my life.
I am really pulling for you bayliss. You are a smart young woman with so much opportunity ahead of you. Imagine where you want to be at 30, 40, and so on. This is the time that you begin to mold your future. That's the beauty of your self-awareness and the fact that you want to make a positive change that will significantly dictate your future.
I may get yelled at for this comment but I don't think AA is more powerful than your own true desire and will to quit drinking out of pure love for yourself. I feel the same for Doctors, therapists, rehab centers, etc.. The effort comes from you no matter what help you seek.
I hope you stick around...this feels like a pretty safe place to be:ghug3
I don't believe this is a hopeless case, maybe you're simply not ready to make a commitment to sobriety. The good news is that you are aware of the problem and investigating the solution. I knew I had a problem years ago, yet I had no interest in giving up on drinking. I lost a lot in my life...all of it due to alcohol. That only caused me to drink more. I thought it couldn't get any worse...Wrong.
Someone on this thread mentioned...fear, that often fear is what drives us to sobriety. This rings true with me or I would still be at it. I drank myself into survival mode. My once comfy life has become a distant memory.
Now I'm nearly old enough to be your mother and I am starting over again from scratch. In my twenties I was extremely successful. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself in this predicament at this point in my life.
I am really pulling for you bayliss. You are a smart young woman with so much opportunity ahead of you. Imagine where you want to be at 30, 40, and so on. This is the time that you begin to mold your future. That's the beauty of your self-awareness and the fact that you want to make a positive change that will significantly dictate your future.
I may get yelled at for this comment but I don't think AA is more powerful than your own true desire and will to quit drinking out of pure love for yourself. I feel the same for Doctors, therapists, rehab centers, etc.. The effort comes from you no matter what help you seek.
I hope you stick around...this feels like a pretty safe place to be:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 518
Thank you everyone for your kind words, encouragement, prayers and love. I'll keep rereading this thread when I'm having a tough time.
And am going to take in everything that was said.
Hope you all are having a lovely sober day.
-Bayliss
And am going to take in everything that was said.
Hope you all are having a lovely sober day.
-Bayliss
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