Graklesnack

Decided yesterday I needed to get help, after years of avoiding it. I was (or am) in bad shape, and I knew the booze was killing me but I didn't care. I just wanted the death to be painless, like choking in my sleep or something like that Jimi Hendrix style. I've not been quite so bad the past few months, mostly as a result of reading some books and talking to an old friend. A friend tried to get me to go to AA a few years ago but she was late getting to the meeting so I bailed. I'm going to AA for the first time this Friday evening (I'd go sooner but there aren't many in my area), as I think I'm ready. My 'old friend' mentioned earlier started outpatient rehab yesterday, and I told her that I'd also try to do something. I got drunk off of some Sailor Jerry (94 proof) a week ago, the most drunk I've been in a long time, and said mean things to her. I felt so guilty about it, since I would never say anything mean to her otherwise since she's a good friend. I don't even remember what I said, but she gave me an earful the next day. I just get possessed by demons or something. I hate the person I turn into.

I've been binge drinking for the past 7 or so years, really badly the past 4. I'll drink a full 750 ml bottle of 80 proof booze, nurse the hangover for the next day or two (or longer, depending on my employment), then drink another. Beer was OK too, but I'd have to drink a whole case of it. Ended up passing out on sidewalks, slept behind bushes a few times since I lost my keys and had to wait until morning for the property managers office to open. Kicked out of several bars until I realized that I should stay home when I drink. Lost a good job, lost most of my friends, and I'm too ashamed to see my family aside from my mom and sisters. Credit ruined, but I'm fortunate to not have any legal problems. As a result of isolation, copious alcohol, and eating poorly, I've probably gained 100 pounds in the past 5 or so years. Which, of course, makes you even more ashamed and self isolating. Needless to say I haven't been in any kind of relationship in a very long time. I've been able to hold onto employment, barely, but I work for a contract agency in IT so sometimes I can go months between assignments. Too much free time is a bad thing for me.

Anyway, before I ramble on too long, I just need to get through the next two days for the Friday meeting. I'll probably break down if asked to speak, but I guess after the first time it won't be so bad. I need to do something before I completely burn what few bridges I have left. I do look forward to waking up in the mornings with no regrets about what I may have done the night before, far worse than a hangover.

IndaMiricale

Welcome Home


I look forward to hearing about your meeting on Friday. I slept or passed out I should say in all those same places. Now I fall alseep where I choose.

Keep coming and posting.

Suez

Hello nice one on the 2 days sober my 1st day will be tomorrow I have woken up in a similar feeling situation 2 u today and something has 2 b done! Hopefully coming and speaking on this will help you your scenario seems v similar 2 mine it's comforting knowing your not alone xx

Weasel1966

Welcome to SR. I cannot offer solutions but can offer my support.

Remember not one of us here is ever so low we cannot get back up. Lean on this place as much as needed. Our collective broad shoulders has plenty of strength.

I am day three here.

Go to the meeting and connect locally as well.

All the best to you.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR and congrats on 2 days!! Glad to hear you are going to a meeting, but in the meantime, someone is always here, 24/7.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Sapling

Welcome to SR Graklesnack

This is a great site to give you an overview on meetings.

Your First AA Meeting<

And here is a copy of the Big Book...Read the Doctors Opinion and the first seven chapters to give you an idea what it's all about. That's the directions for the 12 steps...The solution.

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous

Glad to have you aboard...Any questions....Just ask. Congrats on 2 days!!!

Graklesnack

Thanks everyone for the welcome. After 2 days is my usual length between binges, the real test will be the next 2 days. A few months ago I went 2 weeks, simply because I didn't have the money for alcohol. I did alright, I guess, aside from insomnia.


Great links. The more I think about the first meeting the more nervous I get. I know I'll have to psych myself up for it, and try not to do donuts in the parking lot in my haste to get away.

I think I still have the book somewhere, someone gave it to me a few years ago. It's hard to read, though, since it makes me think about alcohol. I don't think I'll start on it until after the meeting.

Sapling

That's OK...They have a good section on fear on that meeting link.....Everybody that goes to a first meeting has it.