jv369

i can't believe how this disease is kicking my ass.

my av got really loud and i caved. it was a hot day with a fire going and next thing i knew i had a beer in my hand. i thought if need be i'll quit again with a day of unease. that was 3 weeks ago and this was te worst withdrawal in 6 years....even with the meds.

this is day 2, didn't get much sleep last night and couldn't eat much. i wanted to type a post on here last night but my hands were shaking too bad to use the keyboard.. today anxiety has eased a little,but still feel really shaky and groggy.

i was gonna say hopefully this will be the last of it. but the more and more i think of my life and how it has become(it's no longer a life) the more i am truly believing this will be the last time.

i have been thinking about it, and i have a couple starter ideas. i am going to make a list of all the cons of my drinking(the list is huge) and i am keeping in my wallet. every time i get the urge i will pull out that list and read it. i have also decided to just not be around anyone who drinks, which sucks cause my whole family does. but what has to be done has to be done. i will go back to aa meetings. i still believe their program never really worked for me but i do believe in a group of sober people being very helpful. i still plan on seeing my doc.it is a plan in works, but it's a start.

i just want to feel normal and happy again......not spending every waking moment of every day planning and thinking about my drinking.

desertsong

I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through, jv. It's tough, I know. I'm glad you're going back to AA and it sounds like you're putting together a plan to stay sober this time.

The only thing I would say about AA is ... it works if you work it. Did you actually work the steps with a sponsor? Or were you just going to meetings? Meetings are great but they aren't the program - the steps are. If you haven't done so already, and you're still open to attending AA, please get a sponsor and get going on those steps. That's where the miracles happen.

Glad you're back with us.

Anna

Yes, and you can do it!

I think it's especially important to stay away from people who are drinking, early on in recovery. There will be a time when this won't bother you, but right now, you have the right idea.

It sounds like you have a good plan.

jv369

thanks and yes i did get a sponsor. i did the steps twice, the second time i poured my heart i to. i got a home group and did a lot of service work. i did he wrok, and i also stayed sober for 4.5 years. but here is the kicker, i never did lose the desire as promised. through that whole time i was living with sober and working with 100% sober people, there wasn't really any chane to drink. but the entire time the though was running through my head that later on, when circumstances changed, i could drink again. and i did, pretty much immediatey after i got the chance. i also managed to keep my drinking to a moderate level for over a year, i kept my debt at 0, i worked hard on my business, my house was always clean, i bought a new 4x4 rig and put $4k in to it. i liked my life. but things started excalating, and now consequences are appearing. not many so far as for what i have gained myself, more no longer living an active life, damagin my body and daily anxiety and depression.

like i said, willing to try again. but i have done the work before and i never recieved all the promises. i don't want to drink, but my av does and he just wont shut up. i think this time i need to start learning to be stronger than my av, instead of giving my will over to a power i do not believe in.

on a side note, i'd like to ask people's opinions on something. when i get to this point i can't stand the though of going back home the first few days. i just feel incredible guilt and disgust(and srprisingly my house isn't a mess right now). so i sober up at m parents place, where i feel much more comfortable. my parent's have a big screen movie room, dwnstairs and seperate from the rest of the house. my dad has vowed not to drink and spent time with me while i go through this, he has been very supportive. the only hitch is that my mom drinks every day. her drinking does not seem to trigger me at all, it's just what she does. am i putting myself in bad sport here? i feel i would be tempted to cave if i were alone in my own place at this time.

Dee74

welcome back jv

D

instant

Welcome back. I am glad you are giving it another go. Sounds like things have changed.

Wrt place to be- only you know what will be workable for you

Fallow

I dont know if thats putting yourself in a bad spot or not. I always have alcohol at home so its not really a choice for me. I just figure if I wanted to drink the store is there anyhow so whats the difference.

I relapsed and drank the past few weeks also. And share some of the same stories you shared. Good luck! I think we can both do this!

jv369

so i managed to do two good things today(actually, three....the first being not drinking). i went over and cleaned my place up. it was already fairly clean, just had to open the windows for some air, clean up a few empties and put my stinky bedding in the laundry. i'm glad i got it done as the house owner is having a realtor walk through.....wanted it looking have presentable.

second good thing i did was called up my support. through the last 5 months of doing the detox, drink, detox, drink thing i never called anyone about it. i have 3 people in recovery who i believe are probably my best friends. i finally called all three and they all said they would help me in any way. one even offered to drive out right then and now, 45 minute trip, just to take me to a meeting. now i have at least some accountability and my support is back in the loop. all three said they would call be daily. it feels really good, i think i want it this time.

no i did not take my friend up on his off, but only because i am in a good spot right now but still going through pretty crappy withdrawals. i told him well go to one tomorrow, and since i didn't drink today i think it's a sure bet i will see him.

now it's almost time to try and get a have decent night's sleep tonight.....gotta go back to work in the morning.

Sapling

You say that AA didn't work for you...Yet you stayed sober 4 and half years...Things were going well and you were liking life...That doesn't sound like bad results to me. You say you didn't lose the desire to drink?...For 4 and half years?....I don't know...Maybe you just weren't done when you started. If you're ready...I'd try it again.

jv369

well, day 4 down the drain. i hooked up with a good friend from when i first cleaned up, we went out and got dinner. i then went to a meeting with him and we met with another person i originally cleaned up with. this guy went out shortly after rehab, drinking and drugs and all that. i hadn't heard from him since. turns out he's got his life completely turned around now. he got a new wife, house, cars and all that. the best art is he is now a counselor at the same recovery house we both cleaned up in. also ran in to someone i work with.

it was a good night, but it left me with an uneasy feeling. i think i know what that is. i think i'm pissed off that so many people close to me know, now my addict brain is angry because it will be harder to go out again. i know i'm doing all the right things this time, but i think i'm gonna have to be vigilant and remember why i am doing them.

the other reason i think i am upset is because i feel i need to seperate myself from my family for a while. it sucks because we are all very close and really enjoy each other's company, but most of my family drinks and for the time being it just makes me uncomfortable and angry.

this saturday i plan on driving in to town and spending the day with said friend i went to dinner with.

on to day 5.

Sapling

Maybe it's good to have some people to keep you accountable.

I'd say that's pretty key to whether the the whole thing works or not. As far as your family goes....I have members of my family I can't be around...I don't care who you are...If you're a threat to my sobriety...My sobriety comes first.

CaiHong

JV your post makes me feel uneasy for some reason. You say you are angry and pissed off and that AA kept you sober but never delivered on the promise of releasing you from the desire to drink. you don't believe in a HP neither do I and would never ask anyone to but I have experienced that HP and I believe you have as well. What kept you sober for that long?

Anyway I wish you well.

CaiHong

awuh1

In reading your posts, from this thread, I’m sort of optimistic that you will get back on track and enter a sustained period of sobriety. Perhaps even for several years, just as you did last time. I am less optimistic that you will maintain sobriety over the longer term …. unless something changes. There was a flaw in that sobriety (at least as I see it). Exactly what it was is not apparent. Things were going well, yet you decided to drink. It’s a bit of a puzzle. Something happened that lead you to take a first drink. Perhaps it was related to this.
You state that you worked the steps, but you also state: I think you need to have SOMETHING you actually believe in to work this step properly. A ... G roup O f D runks ... perhaps, or a moral code …. Something? Some power greater than yourself, that can bend your will for the greater good? Hope this notion helps you… for the longer hall. Best wishes and good work on that 4+ years of sobriety. It was not wasted.