wonderfullife

Hello gain all,

After 5 good days without sugars or alcohol, I slipped back into my bad habits of 7-10 drinks a night. Its as though there are two of me. Woke up today after 10 drinks, hit a great morning workout, and now feel very detached. I simply do not understand how to stop drinking permanantly. Part of me wants to but the other part just can't wait until friday night to do it all over again. that other part also wants to drink tonight. I know that I wont drink tonight but thats mostly because of health reasons and my wife would be upset with my drinking too much. But without my wife, I would drink. So how does one find the conviction to stop drinking? Especially when a large part of me does not want to. How do I finally make that connection? Do I have a reverse intervention and tell my friends and family that I need to quit? Is that the support and "help" that people talk about? As for AA, I don't think that would deter my drinking. I see myself sitting through a meeting and then leaving to go drink. I feel that family might be the best route, but that scares the .... out of me. Thanks.

Wonder

Sapling

I guess for me....I needed every part of me to want to....I paid the price dearly to get that...But when I was done.....I was done.

Db1105

As far as AA, or any other program, you won't know until you try them.

MarylandRick

Exactly, how do you know it won't work? Don't you think others who have walked in similar shoes have said the same thing?

For me, I had to experience enough pain and humility before I would accept I couldn't do it alone. You don't have to feel anymore pain than you feel righ now, just give it a fair shot.

Weasel1966

Wonder no one can tell you when it is time. Certainly you do not sound ready.

I can tell you that I went to 2.5 rehabs. I used to leave the second one on family day with my partner and go directly to the bar. I realize now that what I was doing was more to show myself I could ask for help. My heart was not in it. Even when my life was falling apart financially, losing friends and work.

Today is much different. I cannot even imaging drinking everyday the 10 - 20 drinks a day I was just even a year ago.

Time.... Desire.... Affects of drinking... Age... There are so many variables.

There are patterns on SR that one can see if you read long enough. A continuUm that we are all on but at different points.

I encourage you to be around sober people. Inject into your life the reality of what you are doing. Do not hide in it.

Asking for help is a good first start. Learn and go from there.

All the best to you.

DisplacedGRITS

If willpower alone was enough, many of us would have quit on the first try. Try an AA meeting. Obviously willpower isn't alone doing it for you.

DisplacedGRITS

Oh, and by an AA meeting i mean several. Commit yourself to at least a week of AA meetings. Try one a day for a week. Many people who are serious about quitting do 90 in 90. I made it to about 52 or so before a vacation threw me off my game. Now i feel like 2-3 a week is what i need but in my very early recovery i NEEDED those daily meetings. I skipped dinner for meetings. It was my priority over all fun things. More important than family time or meals and believe me, my husband thanked me for missing out on time with him if i was at a meeting. Yes, it's that important. Don't knock AA till ya try it. I did and i regret it. I lost so many years knowing about AA and stubbornly "knowing it wasn't for me." I was wrong. All i had to do was give it an honest, open shot. Go to a meeting without prejudice. You might be surprised. You might save your life.

Anna

Personally I would not tell friends and family with the hope that they will intervene. This is really something you need to do for yourself. It would be great to have support from family and friends, but I don't think it would be healthy to depend on them to make/keep you sober.

Hopefully you will decide to stop drinking because you want to and you will be motivated to do what you need to do.

DayTrader

"help and support" - for me - means help and support from people who absolutely know what they're talking about. I've had enough theory, hypothesis, and opinions to last a lifetime. The help and support I look for now comes with qualifications.

Don't mistake "meetings" for "AA." Going to meetings won't guarantee sobriety...they don't even do much more than hint at it....and even then it's a temporary fix. Working the steps is "doing" AA. Meetings are just where we meet to talk about working the steps, what we're doing, etc. FWIW, I went to meetings and drank for about 6 or 7 months..... proof positive that meetings won't get or keep you sober all the time. For some, meetings are enough. For others, we need to work the program of AA over and above going to meetings. That said, recovery in AA DOES guarantee a solution to your drinking - the trick is in actually following the program. It's like a map - follow the directions and you'll get from point A to B. Skip turns or distances on specific roads......and you end up somewhere different.

One problem I've run into is relying to heavily upon ppl in my life. The can be a disappointment - obviously. Now, I've done it plenty. At first it was a therapist, and/or a girlfriend.......then a sponsor.....then a homegroup. They're people and, like people do, they fall short from time to time. After a couple knocks, I wasn't willing to risk getting drunk because person X, Y or Z decided to do (or not do) A, B, or C tonight.

wonderfullife

Thanks everyone,

I want to be ready. I just don't know what that means. I have become so good at maintaining this but I can see cracks beginning to form physically, mentally, and spiritually. I don't want to get worse yet I am trapped in the "one more time" mentality that I know is ridiculous. I just can't find the resolve to finally make that commitment. That scares me. All of this scares me greatly. Every part of it from drinking, to thoughts on moderation, to ending the drinking for good. I never thought that I would end up here and am probably in denial that I am indeed here. Thanks again for some very great words. your help and advice is something that I thank you for greatly.

CarolD

When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested...I joined AA.
With that in mind....
I so hope you will explore the program that gives me purpose and joy...

When I started my Steps...I shifted from shakey sobriety into solid recovery.
I've watched that miracle happen to countless others...

Of course...AA is not the only way...however why not check into
all options available? Added plus in AA....you will get support
from some very interesting characters..


Hope you soon will decide to move into a healthy sober future.
Blessings to you and your family ...

Jitterbugg

Hi wonderfullife,
I guess the main motivator for my sobriety is that I have run out of options. I have bankrupted myself, lost my career, and been arrested numerous times due to my alcoholism. I am a classic example of the drunk who had to hit rock-bottom before I was willing to do anything. When I get a craving, I think about all the degrading and humiliating circumstances I had to endure as a result of drinking. The memory and shame is enough to fight through the urge of picking up a beer. Otherwise, I will be dead or institutionalized. There can be no other outcome.

wonderfullife

Hello again,

To clarify, its not AA that I think will fail me. It is myself I fear will fail AA. Before my career as a teacher, I was an attorney for a brief period. I am very good at creating an argument for or against (or both in this matter) a certain case. I guess that I am not ready to admit defeat. It seems as though my logic, along with the addiction, holds the upper hand. I have somewhat known this for about two years now. I never once thought the fight would be this difficult. I feel ashamed for letting this happen. I feel terrible for my wife having to admit she loves an alcoholic/hopefully recovering alcoholic. She is very strong, and I think that she sees my drinking as a choice. I am finally seeing this as something that is not a choice. When one spends the entire day focusing on health, planning to stay sober, wondering when he can drink again, living in the absolute shadow of alcohol, and yet still crave that few hours of time when all of this worry and internal discussion stops with a drink, then one might finally quit. At least thats what I hoped for. When I tried to quit, I was not allowed. Friends, society, fear, and most of all my addicted mind sent me forth to drink shots of vodka and pretend that I only had a few beers. I fear that I can't change. I have all of the support one could hope for. I truly fear right now that I cannot correct this situation. I am currentlly writing this craving not one drink but ten. a good decent drunk. This is why I am here. thanks again to everyone on this forum. One request that I do have is that the people here with a couple years of sobriety please reach out to me with just a little more detail about stopping this insanity. Maybe with a pm. I am ready to receive help.

wonder

Dee74

You can do what I did wonder - keep drinking...get worse, lose a lot of the things you love - get sick...

I don't recommend that tho.

Just don't assume because you can just about get away with it now that it will always be that way - I lost my footing very suddenly and very quickly.

There's a lot of recovery programmes out there - I think you at least owe it to yourself to look at a few of the available options

Here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

least

For me, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. When I reached that point I was ready. I like my life now. I feel good most of the time and wake up and go to bed feeling grateful. Two and a half years ago I never felt good and was never grateful for anything. I wouldn't trade my life today for that nightmare - not for anything.

I hope you can work something out to come to a healthier lifestyle for you.:ghug3

sugarbear1

Why not read the book Alcoholics Anonymous online? It's also in an audio version. Then listen to some speaker tapes on xa-speakers.org. Maybe something will click inside of you. It's not the meetings that keep me sober, it's working the steps. Sandy B. is an awesome speaker and has some step information on the xa-speaker site.

If you aren't really ready or willing to stay stopped, you may not be ready to quit.

Sobriety is a whole new world. It's waiting for when you are ready!

Peace,

CaiHong

Hi Wonderfullife,
When I read your post I thought to myself this is someone who is on the road to healing. he has started to question his drinking, realizing the negative effects it is having on his life.
But not truly convinced deep down, where it matters, where the change begins. It is a mystery to me as well when we cross over and stop sitting on the fence. What I would suggest though is start immersing yourself in sober activities such as AA, this forum,read about other programs. I get what you are saying about how do I get to the stage of really wanting to give up. Start by reprogramming your brain.
Like you I don't want one or 2, I want to wipe myself out, sober nearly one year and the desire to drink has left me.
It is so freeing. I can now get on with my life without having to worry about messing up due to being drunk

I wish you all the best
caiHong

wonderfullife

Thanks again everyone.