EXM6

I've lost almost everything that I have worked SO hard for. I went to college, and then University... Volunteered in my field and worked full time while raising my daughter. I FINALLY got into my career in September, shortly after bought a car... I only had it for six months before I lost it all. I work as a counsellor for at-risk youth. My co-workers and boss supported me after my DUI and I didn't lose my job. They couldn't do it again when I was charged with assault last week. I woke up in jail and had no idea why I was there.

I know that I'm just on the verge of losing more... I'm going to have to move and I won't be able to see my daughter when I go into treatment. I'm trying not to lose my car, even though I can't afford it. I worry that my career is done for, given the field I work in. I couldn't imagine doing anything else -- I love those kids.

I don't know if it comes across that I'm having a pity party for myself, and perhaps I am but I don't blame anyone but myself. No matter what ****** things happen to us in life -- we have the option to refrain from being ****** ourselves and I chose to drink. I know it's not that simple but no one MADE me drink, I allowed myself to. Ten years of working so hard to get to where I was and I managed to screw it up in six months. I'm SO angry at myself. I'm SO frustrated that I spend more time in my life working my way out of crap than reaping the benefits.

Luckily I haven't lost it all... yet. I still have an amazing support system and most importantly my daughter. If I lost her, I know I'd just lay down and give up. I WON'T lose her, I can't but I have to do more than just say it aloud or type it here... I have to take the steps to ensure it won't happen.

I have been coming to this site for years but this is the first time I think I've really utilized it for what I need. The insight from everyone is incredible... Everyone's experiences, words of hope, etc. I apologise if I appear very high-maintenance right now with my long post -- but I feel this is the first time I'm actually "getting-it" if you know what I mean?

I don't want to give up on my life, I don't want to give up on me. My ex has spewed a ton of venom about me the last few days about what a piece of trash I am, and you know what -- he's wrong. I'm not this person. I'm not.

Sapling

You're right....You're not.

Anna

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Honestly, I think we've all lost things due to our drinking and it's very sad, but the main thing is that we can learn and move forward. It sounds like you're going into treatment and that's a good idea. You may or may not be able to work in your field again and I guess time will tell. But, no matter what, you can land on your feet and be okay.

artsoul

No, you're not a piece of trash, none of us are. Infact, the alcoholics I know are some of the most wonderful people I've ever met (when they're in recovery, of course!). You have a degree and a passion for working with kids - that's a real gift, in my opinion, and as in recovery, you have another message and greater level of compassion....... Don't let go of that!

I had some real negatives in my life when I got sober and it did take a while to put the pieces together again. Some days it seemed impossible, but when I stopped to think about things, I realized that there was much to grateful for - a roof over my head, enough to eat that day, eyes and ears and hands and feet to work....... a lot of people don't have those things.

I didn't see your post as a pity party at all - actually, you sound determined and ready for a better life! Just remember you don't have to have it all figured out right now - just focus on today, do the next right thing and stay sober!

EXM6

Thank you... You people are absolutely wonderful.

Sapling

And so are you EXM6!!!

Payton

I imagine if you really get sober and get healthy, the life you have in the future will be even better than what you feel you've lost. Life is long, if we take care of ourselves, and you will have the chance to rebuild your life. ((EXM))

EXM6

It's true what you say Payton about life being long. The day after my last arrest I thought to myself "I'm going to die today..." I thought I was making a responsible choice as a mother to end my life because I know we have incredible people who love us and would take really good care of her. I googled "painless ways to commit suicide" and ended up on this funny website (I love how even at our lowest we don't seem to lose our sense of humour), and one thing it pointed out was... If you lived to be 75 and are under the age of 38 -- you still haven't even lived half your life. I'm 30. I think back to the millions of things I have had happened and how much time 30 years REALLY is... and it's true -- life is long!

Needless to say, the idea of dying didn't seem so ideal anymore.

CarolD

I lived in a city for many years...as a drinker.. as an active alcoholic and an AA recovered one.

AA recovered one. I did not own nor wish to have a car
No ..this had nothing to do with drunk driving ..just like to keep a simple life.
Why hang om to anything you can't afford?

Welcome back....blessings to you and your daughter ..