EXM6

In the past five months, I have received a DUI, been charged with assault, had a miscarriage, had an abortion, lost my job, had my ex tell me I'm trash and that he never wants to talk to me again after he mentally beat me down for over a year and cheat on me over and over.

I let this all happen because I allowed my relationship to dictate how I felt about myself and turned to drinking instead of just getting OUT of the situation. I couldn't leave him because I "loved" him and I just felt if SOMEONE showed him that, it would destroy all the darkness he deals with inside. Instead, I've only destroyed my life and myself.

I've been a very strong girl my entire life... but I now feel the lowest I have ever felt. I've lost that life inside of me, that little firecracker spark that I hold so dear to me... I don't know how to get it back. I am on a waiting list to seek treatment, but I guess I just need to vent to people who understand in the meantime. Please help... I feel hopeless.

neferkamichael

I know all about DUI's and making a mess of things. I hope that's as bad as your rockbottom gets. Prayin for ya.

DisplacedGRITS

Welcome to SR. Now that you're out of that you're out of that relationship you may have already taken more steps than you even realize on your path to a sober life. Even though you're on a waiting list for rehab you could start attending AA meetings now. I've found them to be amazingly helpful in my recovery. Congrats on breaking free of that toxic relationship. A breakup of any kind is a terribly, gut wrenching thing to go through (like breaking up with alcohol) but eventually you look back and realize how much better off you are without that relationship.

badatbooze

Your not alone exm. You will get lots of support here...keep you chin up! Every bad thing or event in my life I owe to alcohol. Give it up and that little firecracker will be lit up again...smile!!

Dee74

welcome to SR EXM6

I know you'll find a lot of support, encouragement and ideas here - welcome to our community

D

IndaMiricale

Welcome

I myself hit so many lows to get to the point of trying something better. You can find your miracle , you already are here keep coming back.

CaiHong

EXM6,
Welcome to sober recovery. I read your post and I thought to myself well at least she has a clean slate for a fresh start.
All that has happened is sad.

I think displaced grits said it all really, start now, be thankful that you are out of the relationship, it's time to heal.

I am coming up to a year sober with the help of AA and this forum. I have developed belief in myself and that strong person that alcohol chipped away is back but stronger and certainly wiser.
All the best. You can do this, you know that.

caiHong

workingknee

yes, you are not alone - welcome to SR:ghug3

eh1988

Welcome!!! Glad you are here and at least trying to fix things. As low as you feel right now, take a second and think about how much lower it could get. Stopping drinking is the best thing you can do right now, it truly does stop the bleeding. It doesn't make life perfect, you don't wake up everyday on a cloud and playing with unicorns. But I can tell you that dealing with problems while I'm sober is much easier than dealing with them while I'm drunk. Wishing you the best keep coming back.

instant

It's great that you understand the issues and that there is a space to grow. Well done!!

Change4good

Welcome! Glad to have you with us.

This sounds trite, but is SO true in my experience. You CAN turn things around. You have the opportunity to recover, and move on.

We are here to help. Keep posting.

Jitterbugg

Hi EXM6,
I know what you're going through (besides the miscarriage of course). I had a DUI, was charged with assault. and lost my job too. I went to rehab last year and it was great. Hang in there until treatment.

Sapling

I know that feeling of hopelessness....I was listening to a speaker talk about how we cross a line with alcohol where it actually steals your soul....Or that life inside of you...As you call it. That happened to me. I didn't know how to get it back either.
I went to a 30 day treatment and they introduced me to AA...We had our own meetings everyday...They brought speakers in...And gave us exercises to help us work the 12 steps. I liked what I heard and a lady there took me to an outside meeting....I knew that's where I needed to be. I left treatment two weeks early and went to AA on my own. I was paying for it out of pocket...No insurance...And AA was free. I went to meetings...Got a sponsor to guide me through the program and take me through the steps. I not only haven't had a drink in almost 11 months...I got my soul back...I got that life inside me back....So just so you know....There is hope. Welcome to SR EXM6...Glad you are here.

2granddaughters

Are you going to AA meetings?

Wishing you the best.

Bob R (near Windsor)

akazia21

I know exactly how you feel. I have 3 DUI's, lost my job this year, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I know it can feel hopeless at times, but to me, as long as you are alive and breathing there is always hope. You are not alone here

sugarbear1

I'd start attending AA meetings. Welcome! - Alcoholics Anonymous - Greater Toronto Area Intergroup - Canada

You aren't alone and you aren't the only one to make poor decisions while under the influence.

Stick around here, too!

I wish you well.

Hugs,

LoveMeSomeBeer

I'm new, but quickly learned that. It sounds to me that it's a good thing that your X doesn't want to talk to you...he sounds like he wasn't too positive to be around.

Chin up and keep posting. Your "firecracker" will come back. It's NEVER too late and you are young.

Prayers.

EXM6

Thank you so much for the hopeful words everyone! I have been here before, but my user name was "SullenGirl..." I felt this name to be inappropriate for me because that ISN'T who I want to be, and isn't who I normally am. This time I decided to go with EXM for one of my favourite songs by Fiona Apple called "Extraordinary Machine." It's a song I have felt I have always identified with, to the point that I have some of the lyrics tattooed to my leg... It reads "If there was a better way to go then it would find me..." and I'm hopeful this time that is true. I know all of this may sound hokey to some -- but you have to start changing your attitude somewhere right, and that's where I am -- trying to have that better way to go find me..."

It's Day 2 for me, and I feel like I'm living in a haze but I FINALLY get that I cannot be trusted with alcohol... That it will own me if I let it. While I have understood I've had a problem for several years -- I've never really GOT how much power it has over me. A big eye opener for me was watching the survelliance tape from the night I assaulted someone. I thought I HAD to have been provoked -- it isn't like me to just do that. Sure enough the altercation went on for what felt like forever, and the man did nothing to me... I threw myself all over the place because I was stumbling so bad, think I may have hit my head hard enough to be unconcious a few times as I would just lay there after the falls. It was really sad -- I never have to see myself like that, I've only heard stories about that girl I become when I'm drinking. I finally got to meet her for the first time... and I just wanted to give her an effing hug.

I find it extremely helpful to come here and hear all of the things you guys share... It makes me feel like I'm not alone-- that this also happens to others. For those who have lost it all and regained it back with sobriety -- it gives me hope that I will be able to do the same. Thank you, thank you so much.